It’s not my first, but it’s my funniest.

First off, Freezepop’s “title song” — which they don’t perform live anymore [they told me when I requested it at a show] — introduces all the members of the band. One of them is The Duke Of Candied Apples, though he has since changed his name to the Duke Of Pannekoeken. The lyric in the song goes like so:

“The Duke Of Candied Apples is my name
making blippy beats that will put yours to shame
email me, duke@freezepop.net
1.7 gigs of spam is what you’ll get.”

So finally, after years of listening to this, and after emailing Liz Enthusiasm to tell her they should cover Men Without Hats Pop Goes The World, I figured, “I’m already emailing them. Let’s go for the 1.7 gigs of spam!”

So I emailed duke@freezepop.net:

“From: __Clint__
To: duke@freezepop.net
Date: Wed, Jan 27, 2010 at 1:59 PM
Subject: i want my 1.7 gigs of spam

and i want it now

less rokk, moar spamm

-Clint”

[Un?]surprisingly, I got a response 11 days later!

“From: the duke of pannekoeken
To: clintjcl@gma1l.com
Date: Sat, Feb 6, 2010 at 2:19 PM

hahaha! yeah, about that. um… hm.. i dont really do that any more : )

how about enjoying this nice picture of spam?


So yeah. I got my spam. It may not be 1.7 gigs, but I feel vindicated.

And here’s the actual song:

(more…)

I'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] What? There’s a 3? Actually, not yet. I appear to have been tricked into buying a fake Jackass 3. The real movie is not yet out. This is a fake. This was mostly rehashed clips from the show or from JackassWorld.com. Still — we watched it, as we have not seen every episode of the series.

PEOPLE: The standard Jackass crew.

QUIRKS: Jackassery. Bad ideas that result in injury or gagging — all implemented with real people.

VISUALS: Some of the most disturbing ever. The most disgusting part was when [highlight for spoilers] one of the guys ate all the ingredients of an omelette raw. Then puked it up right away. Then cooked it. Then ate that. It’s very rare that something can make me gag so much tears are streaming down my face; It usually takes Saw / Hostel -level violence to even get me to squirm.

MORALS: Do ANYTHING if a camera is on you, and it might be funny. ANNNNYYYTHHHIIIIINNNGG!

BAD STUFF: Too bad this was a fake!

CONCLUSION: I wrote one.. but I ated it. And puked it up and ate it again. (Seriously though, I had written one, but at the time of posting, only the word “anyway” appeared here. Don’t know what happened. But we loved the movie, of course!)

RATINGS: I can’t actually rate this because it’s a fake, but I would give it 5/5 Netflix stars and 9/10 on IMDB for being extremely entertaining and funny.

One skit, where they re-enacted a subway safety sign — wasn’t injurious or gross. Sometimes they do that. This one was SO DAMN FUNNY that we had to stop the movie and laugh for a good 2 minutes before we could start it up again.

RECOMMENDATION: Wait for the real Jackass 3. But if you get an opportunity to get the fake Jackass 3 — do so. Just don’t pay money for it, as it probably doesn’t go to the creators

SIMILAR MOVIES: Jackass 1, Jackass 2, Jackass 2.5, and probably the real Jackass 3 when it comes out :) (more…)

 movie coverI'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Netflix link] Movies numbered “2.5″ confuse me.

PEOPLE: The standard Jackass crew. And Mike Judge got roped into a segment! He actually helped inflate air into a guy’s ass with a fireplace bellows! Then he kind of backed away and looked like, “What the hell have I gotten into?”

QUIRKS: The standard Jackass quirks: Extreme revulsion, violence, and stupid behavior. In short: Jackassery.

This one has more interviews, and is presented more as a “making of Jackass 2“. However, it includes pretty much all new jackassery, so it really is more or less a 3rd movie. It’s all the rejected parts from Jackass 2. However, I found them to be pretty much as good.

VISUALS: They will make you gag.

MORALS: Anything for a laugh.

BAD STUFF: They will make you gag.

CONCLUSION: This is still grade-A entertainment, if you aren’t so weak as to not be able to stand it. Netflix: 5/5 stars. IMDB: 8/10. You should have seen Carolyn’s reactions! Half the fun is watching the horror on her face, as she gets freaked out by things that do not provoke such a reaction in myself.

RECOMMENDATION: If you like the series, watch this.

MOVIE QUOTE: Johnny Knoxville: “Hey sir, would you mind driving a golf ball off my friend’s crotch?” (and he did! No real harm, but SUCH INTENSE FEAR!) (more…)

 movie coverI'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Netflix link]

LIMERICK REVIEW: There once were a bunch of crazy Jackasses.
Hurting themselves for the pleasure of the masses.
Torturing themselves in horrible ways;
They must have been sore for many days.
I felt Schadenfreude for their dignity, penises and asses.

HAIKU REVIEW: People hurt themselves
with unimaginably
creative methods.

PEOPLE: The standard Jackass crew: Johnny Knoxville, Bam Margera, Steve-O, Wee Man, Spike Jonze, etc. With cameos by Tony Hawk and some “BMX legend”, who was the only one to successfully do a flip off a ramp with a jet-powered bicycle, as well as John Waters.

I bet no one knew that Spike Jonze (obviously named after Weird Al Yankovic’s inspiration, Spike Jones, of the 1940s and 1950s) wrote a lot of Jackass, as well as the screenplay for the new Where The Wild Things Are movie. AND he was in Three Kings.

QUIRKS: Yes, Carolyn gagged. Even Clint gagged. Several times. The fear of actually puking was never more prevalent.

Yes, they drink [highlight for spoilers] horse semen. And yes, someone there puked as it was happening. Yes, Steve-O purposely attached a [highlight for spoilers] leech to his eyeball. Yes, Steve-O actually put a hook through his cheek, attached himself to a fishing line, and dangled in shark-infested waters — much like the scene in Waterworld where The Mariner uses himself as bait. A shark almost bit his foot off, but he accidentally kicked it away. Yes, Johnny Knoxville ties himself to a rocket that they then launch, inspired by Wile E. Coyote. Yes, the brand someone’s ass with a penis. Yes, they wrestle with multiple anacondas, and play with cobras and bulls as well. And bees. They also have a prank within a prank within a prank where the person who thinks he’s running the prank is actually pranked into actually thinking he’s actually going to die. All while [highlight for spoilers] unknowingly wearing a beard of his peers’ pubes. Yes, they test out riot explosives. On themselves. Yes, a beer enema is completely consumed by Steve-O’s ass, and it’s a damn shame they didn’t use NoFX’s song “Party Enema” for this part. Yes, one of them eats horse shit for $200, in a scene reminiscent of the final scene in John Waters’s Pink Flamingos film. Yes, they get a quadriplegic athlete to fit his wheelchair with rockets, then send him rocketing off a ramp into a lake.

SOUNDTRACK: Slayer’s excellent song “Spill The Blood” from Reign In Blood graces the soundtrack.

VISUALS: Gorey, crazy shit. All of the aforementioned events, and more. Really, it’s non-stop. It’s so intense that breaks will need to be taken just to catch your breath.

MORALS: These guys have no morals and will do anything for a laugh. And it works.

BAD STUFF: Almost gagging. Almost puking. Squirming in your seat while watching unimaginable horrors. Looking away. Movies like Saw 2 make me flinch, but those are fiction. This is not.

CONCLUSION: Netflix: 5/5 stars. IMDB: 9/10.

Loathe as I am to admit it, this is the pinnacle of grade-A entertainment. As far as “reality” goes, this is 1000X realer than American Idol, and 100,000X more entertaining. I think I’d rather participate in most of these pranks than be forced to watch the suckfest known as American Idol.

I haven’t laughed as hard as I laughed while watching this movie in MONTHS.
I haven’t squirmed as hard as I squirmed while watching this movie in MONTHS.

This is an intense experience of comedy, grossness, and the realization that the human body isn’t as fragile as we think it is — or these guys would be SO DEAD.

RECOMMENDATION: If you can stand it, watch this. It’s frickin’ amazing. I don’t remember how it compares to the first Jackass film because these movies are a blur. But as far as reality-oriented offerings go, this is 10/10. I only dock it 1 point on IMDB because of all the gagging and intense disgustingness. But should I really dock it a point for delivering exactly what it promised?

SIMILAR MOVIES: Jackass 1. Jackass 2.5. Camp Kill Yourself. Or any painful reality video…

MOVIE QUOTE: Bam Margera: Please God, don’t let there be a “Jackass 3″.

FRIENDS’ RATINGS: Eric M really liked it. Benj liked it. (more…)

I kind of got sick of having a max picture width of 500 pixels, so I switched my blog’s theme to this one. It has variable width, so depending on your browser size, the article space can get very wide. Way more than 500 pixels.

Do you like it?

I don’t.

I dislike change. And while this may be technically superior, I just don’t like it. I can’t stand looking at it. (more…)

yard sale 2009 was the first year where I started to keep insanely detailed track of my yardsale acquisitions. I figured it would be good to know how much I’m getting out of the experience.

Plus it’s another way to fill my blog with narcissistic content. So here are the final 2009 stats:

NUMBER OF SATURDAY MORNINGS SPENT YARDSALING (“EXPEDITIONS”): 12

TOTAL MONEY SPENT: $358.35

TOTAL ESTIMATED VALUE ACQUIRED: $2,671.55 (SAVINGS/PROFIT=$2313.20)

TOTAL TIME SPENT: [just under] 32 hours

AVG PER HOUR: $72.28/couple, $36.14/person

The beauty of this is that although we saved $2,313 — we really saved over $3,300. Why? Because spending $2313 requires earning over $3300 in pre-tax money. The bonus factor is cutting Uncle Sam out of being able to tax you $1,000, by never earning and spending the money in the first place. They don’t tax savings.. yet!

[And yes, I understand that I still earned the same money regardless of how I spent it, so this technically doesn't apply. But considering I only work when I need to, maybe it does apply? If people die having spent exactly what they earn -- then this is an opportunity to earn less. Trading money for time is life-enriching!]

Click here for other Yard Sale-related postings. (more…)

 movie coverI'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Netflix link] [official site] Watched in 720p HD :)

LIMERICK REVIEW: They once were all just characters in books:
Heroes, villains, charlatans, and crooks.
But then there were the silvertongues,
Who breathed REAL life into their lungs.
And if they ever told anyone, they’d just get strange looks.

HAIKU REVIEW: Fiction characters
should prob’ly just stay that way…
They’re often ruthless.

PEOPLE: From director Iain Softley (K-PAX, Hackers), based on the book by Cornelia Funke. With Brendan Fraser (The Mummy, Journey To The Center Of The Earth), Sienna Guillory (aka Valentine from Resident Evil:Apocalypse), child actor Eliza Bennett, and Paul Bettany (Jarvis from Iron Man, Silas from The Da Vinci Code), Andy Serkis (Gollum from the Lord Of The Rings trilogy, Clueless). And yes, that’s Jennifer Connelly in the itty-bitty role of Roxanne (the wife of Dustfinger). Which makes sense, since she’s the actor’s wife in real life (!).

The book is recent — 2003. The author actually had Brendan Fraser in mind when she wrote the book. The studios had to cave to her demand :)

QUIRKS: “Since the dawn of time, storytellers have enchanted audiences with their words. But there is an even rarer gift. There are those, who by reading out loud, can bring characters to life. Out of books and into our world. Most of these Silvertongues, as they are known, prefer to keep their skills a secret. But some do not even know this gift is theirs, until it is too late.” Expect to see characters out of books come to life. Not as many as you’d like — they’re all from the book Inkheart, except Farid who is from Ali Baba & His 40 Thieves, and Toto from The Wizard Of Oz. This is a fantasy — but one that happens in our normal, non-fantastic reality. Which makes it more interesting than most fantasies.

VISUALS: As fantasy movies go, the visual level here is really low. It takes place in *our* reality. Other than the finale, and some fire play, there’s barely anything unrealistic in this fantasy. Which is in and of itself a bit unusual for a fantasy movie.

BAD STUFF: Nothing, really… But it is rated PG.

CONCLUSION: Netflix: 4/5 stars. IMDB: 8/10. A solid fantasy movie. Good stuff! Not as cliche or as predictable as most fantasy movies. If this was edgier and more intense, it could go on to get 5/5 stars. But it’s kind of a kid’s story in some ways, so it can only be so good.

RECOMMENDATION: Writers might find this interesting due to the characters-coming-alive angle. But anyone who likes fantasy movies would probably like this.

SIMILAR MOVIES: Well… Cool World had the cartoon characters crossing over into the real world… (more…)

  • The two things Clinton had going for him were: No bullshit GROUND wars [he still had his own pet war, though], and reducing our national debt the most any president has done during the 1960s.

    But it looks like today's Democrats have made sure to undo all of that. (Actually, Bush already did that, so this is even worse..)

    WE DON'T HAVE MAGIC MONEY. Did they learn nothing from the bailout? A huge debt will destroy our country. It's already started happening. The dollar is dropping. Nations are starting to trade in other currency. We can't just keep spending money that we don't have.

    I'm sure the liberal cult of Obama is going to talk about how great this is. Short-term thinking for optimistic idealists who think this country is somehow going to go in a better route.

    News flash: Every 5 year period, this country gets worse and worse. I'm starting to think the economy peaked in the 1950s, and freedom peaked in the 1970s, and it's only downhill from here.

    SO HEY! LET'S MAKE IT WORSE!

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