So, some people have “made fun” of me for never taking the metro, or otherwise acted like it’s the equivalent of Macs for transportation (i.e. magically solves all problems).

Me? I used to pay $15 a day to park in L’Enfant plaza, rather than metro. Fuck the metro! And fuck buses! They introduce a whole different slew of problems that I’d rather not have.

1989-1990 - Thomas Jefferson - Brent - bus - flicking off - 0416

Fuck the bus! The bus fucks you!

When I see people at bus stops, I just think to myself about how I pity people poor enough to have to stand outside in the elements and wait for somebody else to have to drive them. You ever see an attractive girl at a bus stop? I did, once, every day. She stuck out like a sore thumb! Most bus people are usually kind of ugly and poor looking. Not to be a snob, buuuuuuut….. I’m a snob. I just pity them for not having their own car.

20090701 - X-Day - GEDC0189 - abandoned bus - now painted

Huh huh huh huh... Poor people.

So I hate public transit for many reasons. Quite simply, even if it meant 30 extra minutes commuting, and $15 extra spent per day, ID STILL DRIVE.

What about everyone else?

I decided to search my google reader for friends comments on “metro” and “bus”. Close to everything is negative. Every comment here is a comment made by a friend of mine on Facebook or Twitter. Friends’ comments are in quotes. My own comments are with an asterisk before them. I should mention that during all of this, I only found about a dozen positive comments about the metro and buses. So in fact, most of this blog post is not written by me, but by everyone who knows me. Crowdsourcing!

Issues include:

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Terrorism:

“…does not like bomb scares that shut down two metro lines, but was happy to see my neighbor after we were booted off the train and out of the station!”

* Terrorist attacks never seem to target people driving on the highway, only those in mass transit. Travel like a sheep, get culled like one. More people may die in car accidents, but those can be avoided by a good driver. A bomb going off — you can’t really avoid that.

* Even the smallest things will fuck up your day if you take the metro. A suspicious package on I-95 would have no affect on me.

911 - Pentagon - official video - WHAT WAS RELEASED - ANIMATED - YOU HAVE TO CLICK ON IT TO SEE THE ANIMATION.

If only you'd driven, you wouldn't be all explody now, would you?

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Lack of freedom, in general:

Don’t you dare take pictures! (Tons of stories like this one, such as this, this, this, and this.)

Lack of freedom includes censorship: DC Metro censorship in the name of God in violation of the 1st amendment. DC metro censorship of anti-prohibition political speech in violation of the 1st amendment.

…Or having your bags randomly searched in violation of the 4th amendment.

…Or being constantly surveilled.

Marijuana!  Hey, at least it's not crack!

Not allowed!

* Simply put, by paying into a system that abridges your constitutional rights, you become complicit in your own self-funded bondage.

* And of course you can’t smoke, eat, or drink. Some of us like to sip our orange juice while driving, or nom on our breakfast while in the car.

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The argument that it saves money, but then a lot of people still have cars, and still pay car insurance, so they don’t really save that much. Those that actually 86′ed their cars simply can’t get to places that aren’t metro accessible, and have sacrificed their freedom for a few dollars…

* The people who gave up their cars talk about saved money, but can’t come to parties, camping, X-Day, anywhere rural, and are basically locked into their little city, with no way to get out. Their sphere of travel is written in stone, and they shall never venture beyond the borders of metro, unless they want to pay exorbitant cab rates. (Outside of traveling to / being in other cities, I have taken a cab once in my life.)

* In 22 combined years of the 2 of us living in our house (11 years * 2 people), which includes about 17 years of employment — only 4 of those years have been at places metro accessible. If we can’t choose from as large of a pool of jobs to commute to, then our opportunity is less, and we end up making less money. Freedom of choice gets you higher salaries. This also applies to friends — I’m glad people in Leesburg, Woodbridge, Reston, and Manasses aren’t automatically disincluded from the list of friends I can easily visit.

* If they want a metro home on a weeknight, they have to leave before midnight. You want me to go through my list of all concerts I’ve ever been to, and list all the shows I wouldn’t have been able to make it to without a car? Sure I could taxi… From Baltimore?! Sounds expensive.

* Good luck fleeing the city in the event of an actual emergency.

More crowded than a dusty Manhattan street on 9/11

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Getting hit with advertising, which you don’t get in your own car….:

“There are now ads in the Metro trains and stations that advertise the use of COMMON SENSE. People wonder why I have such a wonderful opinion of humanity.”

postcard - couple kissing - Are you getting enough? - b42c99 (b&w)

Yes, I am. In fact, I've gotten enough advertising for a lifetime. Fuck off.

* Of course, these ads won’t say anything bad about God, or marijuana legalization (see censorship, above), until people go to court.

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General inconvenience / annoyance with other people:

* CROWDS! (See above.)

Annoying people everywhere.

“remembering why she hates working in DC- traffic, metro with no one talking, the manic escalator habits of commuters (stand on right, walk on left, or FEEL MY WRATH)…..”

* I remember when my car broke down, and I took Van Dorn metro. The parking lot was always completely full by the time I went to work, so Carolyn had to drop me off. It was only 40 minutes — same as driving — when 2 of us were inconvenienced. If I wanted to drive myself, I had to go to Springfield Metro. That upped the total time to 90 minutes. Driving took me 40-45 minutes. A link for those who don’t believe Metro parking lots get full.

* I got to have a little girl kick the back of my seat the entire friggin’ ride.

“Got Godwin’d on my way to the Metro by LaRouche supporters. LOL”

“mad my umbrella got stolen on the metro!”

“I love the metro at 1213 at night. I get to hear two douche bags in suits talk about bullshit. Stay classy DC.”

“14th St NW bus route. Bus driver vs *crazy* lady in wheel chair. Lady refused to lock chair. Kudos to driver for not being unsafe!”

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Standing around other people coughing, and their disgusting germs / bodily functions / physical annoyingness..

“is sure someone must be listening to the announcements on the Metro to wash your hands and cover your mouth when you cough, but it certainly isn’t anyone on THIS train.”

“super creepy woman wearing a surgical face mask on the metro.. not sure if its to protect her… or us… eek”

“metro ride this morning was made a little more interesting than normal when a blind man sold out his guide dog, falsely accusing him of authoring a thunderous blast of flatulence that nearly knocked the train off its rails. This haiku is dedicated to that poor pooch… dogs endure much scorn / taking blame for scores of farts / man’s best friend, indeed.”

“watched a guy chunder all over the metro on the way home at 3am this morning. And then watched him fall off his chair into his pile of chunder. Brilliant.”

20050723 - Clint cut himself shaving - 100-0005 - Clint bleeding, funny face

Get your disgusting bodily functions away from me!!

* My friend Chris H pissed on a metro after 4th of July. No bathrooms anywhere. Carolyn pissed in the parking lot. I pissed under a stairwell. At least we managed to hold it a bit longer, but there was simply no other way possible. DC is a mad house on 4th of July. Glad I go to X-Day now…

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Getting groped / violated / robbed…. Of course, getting groped is so common that in Japan they are starting to have women only trains:

“I think I was just violated on the metro….” [from a pretty girl that I know]

“I hate when somebody sits next to you on metro and they WON’T MOVE once the train is less crowded. It’s usually some dudeface that does “

* Kinda hard to get robbed while driving down I-95.

postcard - 0 - possible BDSM club awkwardness - b42c3 (b&w)

Glen, could you please find somewhere else to stand?

epic fail pictures

Giggity!

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Lack of physical comfort:

* I can set my car’s air conditioning/heat to whatever temperature I want. Since my body lacks thermal regulation, I adjust this frequently throughout my ride. I also remote start my car, so that it is pre-warmed before I get into it. When done right, I never sweat or shiver, year-round.

“just sat in the only wet bench spot on the entire Metro platform. Its gonna be a great day…”

“this bus driver forces an old crippled lady to get off 100 ft. before her stop, despite her protests of not being able to walk that far, because he’s legally allowed to based on “protocol.” I led the charge in getting the entire bus to tell him how fucked up his “protocol” is.”

Not to mention snow making things really uncomfortable:

“Really don’t want to find out what it’s like to walk home from metro tonight. Hoping cabs show up soon.”

Even good comments are bittersweet:

“metro was mostly timely… almost to work … only saving grace was the rare seat on the orange train!”

You’re happy to get a seat? Really? I get to sit down all the way when I drive. The metro has usually been standing room only in my experience. Maybe if you get on at the end of the line you’ll get a seat, but good luck when you have to transfer trains. Standing isn’t execise; it’s pain. Especially if you have plantar fasciitis. People talk about the stuff they get done on the metro, but if I’m standing on a moving vehicle, the only thing I’m going to do is hold the rail the whole time.

20090805 - Ripley's Believe It Or Not! museum - torture - Clint - sitting on the torture chair - (by Vicky) - 3806546444_9015cb57f3_o

This spiked medieval torture chair is more comfortable than standing on the metro.

My name is Sol Rosenberg, and my foot hurts, goddamnit!

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Speaking of falling, falling sucks:

“is sore from fall off the metro bus yesterday afternoon. I really don’t want to go to work, but I really should.”

But even walking sucks if you’re crippled:

“this bus driver forces an old crippled lady to get off 100 ft. before her stop, despite her protests of not being able to walk that far, because he’s legally allowed to based on “protocol.” I led the charge in getting the entire bus to tell him how fucked up his “protocol” is.”

“is not looking forward to taking the metro home this evening.”

And good luck taking an elevator… They really don’t want you to do that: “Crystal city metro stop has a sign saying elevator is across Clark st.Arrow pnts AWAY frm Clark.Elvtr obscured by shrubs,no more signs.FAIL.”

* GOOD LUCK taking any luggage and such. I know when I had a briefcase, and it was standing room only, that meant 1 hand on a rail above my head [because all the vertical rails were taken], and 1 hand holding my briefcase the whole time. By the end, my foot AND arm hurt. YAY METRO [sarcasm].

20090628 - GEDC0137 - Oranjello - in suitcase

Take this on the metro, and you'll have a squashed dead cat! Unless you're planning on baking a cat-asserole, better take private transport.

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Part of comfort is getting to blast your own music… loudly… with your windows open in the summer:

* Oh, sure, you can listen to music on the metro, but it’s much louder in my car with my subwoofers.

20081108 - cars - 170-7043 - Clint's car - subwoofer

Even with 1 speaker blown, this kicks metro's shitty speakers' asses. Also, better music comes out of these. Miley Cyris? Really? Fucking slut.

“Yea, I think Miley needs to rethink her opening act – Metro Station singing a song with I touch myself in the lyrics is a little weird.” [Yeah, I'd pay money NOT to hear Miley Cyris, I'm glad I have never heard her sing in my life.]

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Lack of control / maintaining your own schedule [because you are at someone else's mercy, unless you drive and set your own schedule]:

“Just sprinted to catch a bus. Got there just after he closed the door. I knocked, he looked at me and drove off. Are you fucking serious?”

“Tried “slugging” to work for the first time today. WHY haven’t I ever done this before? Dear Metro, feel free to keep your delays, continual fare hikes, horrible service, and door malfunctions all to yourself cuz I’ve been converted.”

“has had a really stressful morning so far (computer infected with malware and temporarily unusable, metro ran late)”

“Please tell me why they have an attendant at the exit of the metro park and ride if they can’t accept any form of payment aside from a smart trip card and everyone has to back up when one person has a low balance or no card!!!”

“is now dreading driving home in the rain. blah. however, really glad not to be on the metro red line today… apparently someone was hit earlier this afternoon. =-/”

“off to see Soft Cell with the man. Thank God he can drive in DC so we dont have to mess with the metro, stupid orange line.”

“I keep hearing about how disruptive this Nuclear Summit is to the metro,”

“Folks, when the TV people are screaming ZOMG TEH TRAFFIC!! you might want to check Google before you just bum-rush the nearest Metro..” (What, metro doesn’t magically save everyone like Macs do?)

“was late to work because her bus never showed up…but is consoling herself with blueberries.” [first comment in response was:] “My bus didn’t show up either!!”

http://www.flickr.com/photos/brhefele/3506739039/ I’m just going to repeat that link whenever Metro has a problem. 10k updates soon! ;)”

Fail Rail, by brhefele... DC WMATA Really could have used these that day the train hit that other train and killed a bunch of people....

“Y’know what? FUCK Metro. They’re either liars or incompetent, and I don’t know which is worse. #dcmetrofail”

“Metro is a mess, it just continues to get worse. Today I spent nearly 90 minutes to get from Alexandria to DC. Becoming unreliable.”

* Accidents may equal delays when driving, but you smart cell phone / GPS types should be able to plan an alternate route. If you’re on the metro, there’s usually only one route. Good luck with that when anything goes wrong.

“was really surprised when the 23A Metro bus stopped at the Metro depot. Apparently it went out of service without the driver noticing I was aboard.”

“wants to know why her metro train was “express service”, meaning, not stopping at dunn loring? All attempts at being early are “derailed.””

“hearts metro. Their site says, “Some buses are avoiding certain routes altogether” but they don’t provide any details of which streets aren’t being traveled on.”

“I find it quite humorous when people run to catch the metro. They always either just miss it or they end up waiting inside the train for …”

1989-1990 - Thomas Jefferson - bus ride - mask - 0434

Lots of annoying people on public transport.

“It was 3! The signs at metro LIE.”

“Ah, Metro, thanks for bending me over and showing me how to take it like a man. “

“watched the lightning for awhile and felt sorry for the poor people we could see running through the Dunn-Loring metro parking lot in the middle of the storm … Now I learned that the orange line is terminating service at EFC for the time being d/t a power outtage”

“Since I’ve worked some extra hours this week (HELLO, METRO DELAYS!)”

“Metro Metro, how I hate thee!!!!!”

“the metro unexpectedly closed at midnight instead of 2am like I thought. Both [cab rides] were $15-20 including tip, which strikes me as a pretty nice hourly rate.” [But way more than if you drove.]

CONCLUSION

So my conclusion is…. Fuck the metro. And I no longer need to explain why I don’t like it to people. In the future, I will simply refer to this blogpost!

... the metro. It fucks you. In the ass.

I assume once I post this, the metro lovers will leave a bunch of positive comments about it. But once you’ve read this, the study is no longer a blind study, so your data could not really be fairly counted. Fact of the matter is, expressed sentiment about public transport is overwhelmingly negative.

Mood: lazy

Music: Ozzy Osbourne – I Don’t Want To Stop