December 13, 2011
December 11, 2011
Stomp on ducks and win a free penis, you say? What does that mean?
Well, it started as a BBS thing in high school, but it really blossomed as a college thing for me. I have multiple friends to thank for this phrase being etched in my mind.
This was the most intense and fun message-based BBS I was ever on in my life — my own BBS On Earth As It Is In Hell (which ran after WTWTA went down) finishes in 2nd place for me. And seemed to be the refuge for ex-WTWTA’ers.
I’m not going to go into the whole “not the internet … busy signals … one person at a time” spiel about BBSes, but anyway, there were lots of message boards (forums), and in one of them, the topic of duck penises came up.
Apparently, according to this conversation, male ducks’ penises are retracted inside of their body.
But of course, the conversation took a turn for the worse, and ultimately, we realized that if you stomped a duck to death, its penis would come out.
Thus, the phrase “Stomp On Ducks And Win A Free Penis” was born.
The second person to help etch this into my mind was Arlo Guthrie, my dorm roommate for my 3rd semester in college.
He had a performance of a piece he wrote, which was a collection of short stories.
He asked me for a title. I provided him with one. Of course I volunteered Stomp On Ducks And Win A Free Penis. It was too great a phrase to die; this meme had to reproduce.
Valerie instructs us on the proper way to stomp a duck penis.
I didn’t realize he was going to make me stand up and tell everyone its origin. I’m really bad a public speaking. I think I was full of adrenaline, and then pretty much shaking as I had to address everyone.
And thus, another 50 people had that phrase stuck in their head for awhile.
Ultimately, I found it on my harddrive and emailed it to him. He had lost his files, and I had found mine. ARLO.DOC or somesuch thing. Opened it up, nice to see what it was.
When talking about it in email, he said: “I mentioned this to my wife recently. Her response was something to the effect of, “I wouldn’t have dated you in college.” She’s right.”
Anyway, I recently realized that if you Googled the phrase, Google came up with nothing. I immediately tweeted it so that google would have it. And now I’m writing up the long explanation, for posterity. The End. (more…)
December 8, 2011
PLOT SUMMARY: A hot cheerleader [highlight for spoilers]→ develops a taste for human flesh after being sacrificed to Satan to help a shitty band rise to success. The movie doesn’t reveal this until it’s almost over, but it really doesn’t make a big difference if you know the plot ahead of time. They really tried their best to give the plot away before anyone watched this movie, and thus I knew more going in than I would have liked to.
PEOPLE: Directed by Karyn Kusama, who directed the Aeon Flux movie [and not much else]. Read her interview HERE. Written by Diablo Cody, who wrote the somewhat-annoying-but-decent Juno. So you can expect some “hip” teen dialog. Or at least what adults think hip teens might sound like. I don’t think any of us really know anymore. I mean, she’s in her 30′s like me.
Starring the insanely hot Megan Fox (Transformers), and the hot (but made to be less hot in this movie) Amanda Seyfried, who I’ve liked since her debut in Mean Girls. Apparently, she takes advantage of Black Friday deals.
Also keep an eye out for lesser roles by J.K. Simmons (I Love You,Man, Juno, Extract, J. Jonah Jameson in the Spider-Man movies, The Lady Killers) and Cynthia Stevenson (Hope from the old NBC sitcom Hope & Gloria, who was also in I Love You Beth Cooper). I didn’t even notice Bill Fagerbakke (Broadway from Gargoyles)!
QUIRKS: A demonic possession horror movie, done with a comedic slant. Some would argue this is NOT horror, but dark comedy.
A lot of people hate this movie, but a lot of people think it’s way deeper than it seems. This 14-page paper makes a strong case for the entire movie being a Christian allegory. Very interesting. Someone else also said this shared an aspect with AntiChrist.
VISUALS: The lesbian kiss of the year: Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried. And it’s not even a short kiss either! Seyfried, however, doesn’t look as hot as she’s looked in previous movies. After all, she’s playing “girl that hot girl hangs out with to look better next to”. But they are both undeniably hot nonetheless. This kiss is the main reason most people are seeing this movie.
Fortunately, we really like horrors… And comedy-horrors are often even easier to digest.
BAD STUFF: A bit formulaic, like most Hollywood movies. A lot of people really hate this movie, but I think it’s because they got so hyped up over Megan Fox that they forgot their own personal movie selection standards. Kind of sad that people flock so easily to something they end up hating.
Also, soundtrack-wise, I’m not sure why they would use the song Violet by Hole, when the movie is named after the song Jennifer’s Body which is on the same album. Why not use the song it’s named after? [Conjecture: Studio interference.]
CONCLUSION: This was waaaaay better than I expected based on all the haters hatin’… though it’s still only a 3/5 star, 7/10 movie.
Clint: Netflix: 3/5 stars. IMDB: 7/10.
Carolyn: Netflix: 3/5 stars. IMDB: 7/10. Carolyn thought it wasn’t as bad as Jon B told her it was going to be, but maybe he helped her lower her expectations. She thought it was kind of funny at times.
The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 5.4/10, Netflix: 3.4/5 stars (Netflix‘s predicted rating for us was 3.9/5 stars).
RECOMMENDATION: If you love horror films with some comedy, here’s another one. But it’s not straight-horror or straight-comedy. Some say it fails at both, others say it succeeds at being more than either. Did you like Drag Me To Hell? This is similar in attitude (but not execution). People are taking this movie way too seriously. Don’t listen to the haters — unless you’re one of them. In which case: Don’t watch this.
I think people who are sick of Megan Fox watch this so that they can complain about how sick they are of Megan Fox. Or maybe they just can’t admit that they want her. I never even noticed/remembered her in Transformers 1. It wasn’t ’til everyone started talking about her when Transformers 2 came out that I realized she even existed.
People also keep bringing up the movie Teeth, but this really is nothing like that except for the fact that it’s a female-driven movie.
Nikolai Wolf: Do you know how hard it is to make it as an indie band these days? There are so many of us, and we’re all so cute and it’s like if you don’t get on Letterman or some retarded soundtrack, you’re screwed, okay? Satan is our only hope.
Needy Lesnicky: Jennifer’s evil.
Chip Dove: I know.
Needy Lesnicky: No. I mean, she’s actually evil. Not high school evil. (more…)
December 7, 2011
December 6, 2011
December 6, 2011
Quite the involved dream compared to usual.
I dreamt that, I guess, I ended up getting that Homeland Security job that Sean R had me apply for (but that I later decided, in real life, was against my best interests). So I was in DC. I don’t know that I was actually there for my first day of the job — I may have been there just as a preliminary meeting/interview. I don’t remember actually working. I believe I had some car problems, and thus couldn’t get back right at the 5PM/end of day time. I was trying to figure out how to get home, and almost called my cousin Jaime, but thought not to. Then I called my cousin Jennifer (Jaime’s sister) instead. But she didn’t answer. Later, in the halls, I actually ran into Jaime, and was like, “Oh, I was about to call you, but tried calling Jennifer instead!” I also ran into Greg Z in some computer lab, and told him about how I was going to work for “the enemy”.
I kept trying to go to bathroom, but it was locked. There was only a woman’s bathroom because the men’s bathroom had been converted, but on principal, I was going to use it anyway since it was a single-person bathroom. However, when I went in, there was a person disguised as a lampshade/coat-rack cleaning the bathroom. I just about whipped it out when they were like, “Whoa, whoa, whoa! Stop it!”, and I was like “Sorry! Didn’t see you disguised there.” [Gee, maybe if this person doesn't want to see somebody whipping it out, they shoudldn't be disguised as a lampshade/coat-rack!]
So then things got more weird. Between the bathroom and the computer lab, at the bottom floor of this building, where I’d been hanging out, a large crowd of people exited from some job.
But one guy just seemed kind of retarded and annoying. I thought he was a homeless mentally ill street person. While I am quite sympathetic to people in such a situation, this guy was getting in my face, getting in other peoples’ face — I really wasn’t sure what was going on. Because I’d been watching the series Oz in real life (and right before going to bed in real life the night before this dream), I was more aggressive than usual. The guy actually reminded me of Cyril, the long-haired blonde Irish brother in Oz who was mentally retarded due to head trauma brain damage.
So anyway, in the dream, I told this guy bothering everybody to “get the fuck out of my face”, much like someone in prison in Oz would. He said something back, and I stepped forward so that I could push him as hard as I can on his chest. He almost fell. He came back and pushed me. “Fuck off, motherfucker!”, I yelled back. Something to that effect. I decided to grab his hair [long, like Cyril's character in Oz], and pull the fuck out of it, and literally drag him away from the people he was bothering (including myself)… So I did just that.
Next thing I know, I’m pulling this random girl by her hair! I had grabbed the wrong long blonde hair! Sheeeit!
I was like, “Oh my God! I’m so sorry!”, and actually put both my arms on both of her arms, as if to reassure her that I’m not here to harm her (by laying my hands on her more right after assaulting her! haha!). I’m pretty sure in a situation like this in real life, the girl would have screamed, or maybe fought back. After all, this random guy who was almost in a fight with another guy just dragged her by her hair then grabbed her by the arms!
But she seemed to instantly understand that my apology was real. She told me it was okay — that she knew that guy, knew how annoying he was, and completely understood why I was acting that way. “You mean he… works here? I thought he was a street person!”, I told her. [I never did find out that person's status.]
Now the weird part is that even though I found this girl by accidentally grabbing her long blonde hair, she later turned out to be a short haired brunette with glasses, slightly styled/curled hair, and a bit on the short side (I’d say 5’3″-5’4″ — and I rarely remember heights of people even in real life, so this is weird that I remember this). Kind of a combination of a couple people I knew in real life: My old crazy junkie single mother violent ex-friend Jen (who burned all her bridges after getting out of jail for heroin possession), and Natasha/Natalie/Trin, this girl we’ve met at goth clubs at various points over the past decade, who keeps having a different name every time we meet her.
However, this dream girl was a bit more my type than both of the girls she is an amalgamation of–even if she was of the “shorthair breed” of female (which I don’t really like that much). The other weird part is that even though this was an office building, the lower floor was now kind of a restaurant/bar/lounge area rather than a computer lab, and the upstairs floors were now apartments rather than rented workspace for companies. It was as if the building we were in had changed, even though we hadn’t moved.
Perhaps this was two dreams — but my brain really put them together as one.
Anyway, we talk and talk and talk and talk and actually REALLY hit it off. I end up going upstairs to her place. She changes clothes or something. While she is gone, I flip through some books on the table. They are comic book stories of superhero origins and adventures — but they are all hand-drawn on hardback books full of blank white pages. VERY odd. Did SHE make these? I did not read any in specific, but kind of flipped through while waiting.
I think multiple people lived here. Perhaps the blonde who’s hair I pulled brought me upstairs, and the short-haired brunette was a roommate. Or perhaps they were the main person from 2 separate dreams, and my brain made them into one. I don’t know.
Anyway, the short-haired brunette and I got to talking much more. We really hit it off. Despite the random, somewhat violent nature of our initial introduction, she did not hold it against me in the slightest. (How could she? At this point she had short hair, so how could I even grab it? Maybe it was 2 people, maybe it was 2 dreams, I don’t know!!!)
It turns out we had a lot in common, though I don’t remember what it all was. It turned out that today was her birthday, yet we spent about 3 hours talking together. She either didn’t go through with her initial plans (because meeting me was so awesome for her, heh heh heh), or didn’t have any. I learned lots of random things about her. The hot character Chicago from the cartoon Producing Parker was actually modeled after her. “Really?!?!”, I asked. Chicago is so totally hot, a long-haired perfect-bodied completely ditzy oversexed horny minx of a cartoon character — at least as oversexed as Jessica Rabbit — and I didn’t quite see the resemblance between Short-Haired Brunette Dream Girl and Chicago from Producing Parker. (Honestly, Chicago was more like the blonde “Version 1″ of this chick, than the brunette “Version 2″ of this chick.)
In trying to figure out how she could possibly be the inspiration for the Chicago character, my only thought was that she must be similarly horny and oversexed, and that this was a good trait to have. ;) She saw my disbelief, and had a made-up conversation between Parker (from Producing Parker) and Chicago (from Producing Parker). She kind of moved her body between the two characters, and changed her voice for each character. Whatever she said, it was hilarious. And I knew it had to be true — she had seen the series, knew the personalities and voices of the characters — and thus shared a passion for adult cartoons as well. And was involved in the making of Producing Parker, ever-so-slightly.
^ Chicago Hyatt, from Producing Parker
It also turned out that her dad had the same name as my dad, and her last name very similar to mine in real life. Same number of letters, with vowels consistently morphed, some dyslexic letter flipping, and one other letter changed.
Although the sun was still up, it was getting late. I had initially planned on leaving the building around 5PM, and it was now closing in on 8:30PM. I had never called Carolyn, who doubtlessly was worried and/or mad that I had not showed up. (I had no cell phone at this point, even though I had one earlier when I was going to call my cousins for a ride…further making me think this might have been two different dreams smushed together.)
So I stand up to go, tell her I had a great time but have to go, lean in, and we make out (full tongue of course). I cut it very short, though –, after maybe 10 seconds. I didn’t want to go too far, plus I suppose it’s good to leave someone wanting more. Or if they hated it, to not overload them with something they hate. I dunno. Having been with Carolyn for 20 years, I’m not too big on the “how long do you make your first kiss?” type of logic. Perhaps this dream let me exercise those atrophied logic circuits a bit. Most of the 10 or so girls I’ve made out with in the past 20 years have initiated it with me, and I tend to just let them go on as long as they want. I’m not used to holding back myself. So this was kind of weird. I guess I was shy…
Finally, for whatever reason, I was able to go home. I don’t even remember how. Let’s just say my car magically fixed itself. When I got home past 8:30PM, Carolyn had simply taken a nap out of the boredom of me not being around, so she spent far less emotional energy worrying/waiting than I had thought, so I was relieved that my spontaneous date/pick-up had not taken the maximum possible emotional toll on her. Had the situation been reversed, I’d have been quite worried for her safety.
I of course told her all about my date and how fun it was, and told her I’d like to do it again. She didn’t mind. We’re very secure with our status with each other.
I began thinking about how I was going to break the news to this new girl… How do you tell someone, after your first date, that you are married, but your wife didn’t mind if you went out on another date?
Would she be livid that I simply hadn’t told her this on the first date? But then I might not have gotten that brief intimacy of the parting kiss… The chemistry might have never blossomed in the first place. How does one manage a situation like that? I worried quite a bit. My feelings for Carolyn were no more diminished than a parent’s feelings for their first child are diminished when they have a second child. However, I was crushing pretty hard on this girl-who-didn’t-mind-meeting-by-having-her-hair-pulled-and-who-was-modeled-after-a-cartoon-character-I-enjoy, and was simply worrying a lot about how this was going to work out. After all, she seemed to live in the apartment/office building/lounge/bar that I seemed to work/interview in. It’s not like I wasn’t going to run into her again — even if I never called her (on my sometimes there, sometimes not there cell phone), I’d definitely run into her at work sometime! Especially if that mental guy was harassing me and her and everyone else.
I worried about this for some time, but woke up — before Carolyn’s alarm in real life, even though I could have slept in all day if I’d wanted — more refreshed than I’ve felt in the morning in ages. I had to go to the computer and type this up quick before I forgot the details. It took a full 30 minutes to type up, and now, in real life, the tiredness is finally catching up to me.
What an involved dream!
December 3, 2011
December 3, 2011
[UNCOMFORTABLE?] PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): Highschoolers try to get laid.
QUIRKS: A return to the spirit of the original American Pie movie. No more college kids; we’re back to highschoolers trying to lose their virginity. “The Bible” from American Pie 1 [I had forgotten about it] is the basis for this movie, which takes place in the same high school. Arguably, this is much more of an American Pie sequel than American Pie 5:The Naked Mile and American Pie 6:Beta House were. Written by one of the co-writers of American Pie 2 and Slackers.
PEOPLE: Once again, all the “regular” actors are gone [for a 2nd time], except for Eugene Levy, who once again hilariously comes off as the master of getting laid, and the original author of “The Book Of Love”.
The 3 main male virgins are played by Bug Hall (Alfalfa in the 1994 Little Rascals movie–There was a Little Rascals movie?!?!), Brandon Hardesty (a total Jonah Hill wanna-be), and Kevin M. Horton. Another Stifler, played by John Patrick Jordan (Evil Bong 1-2), is relegated to a very minor douchebag role. Their love interests are played by, respectively, Beth Behrs (a beautiful newcomer who reminds me of a blonde Felicia Day), slightly sultry Jennifer Holland (Zombie Strippers!), and the brown-hair brown-eyed Melanie Papalia, who reminds me of someone I can’t quite put my finger on (She’s been in a few shows, including an episode of Smallville, so maybe that’s where I remember her from).
We also have small roles with Curtis Armstrong (Revenge Of The Nerds 1-4) as a teacher, Rosanna Arquette (pierced girl Judy in Pulp Fiction, Diary Of A Sex Addict) as a mom, Jill Teed (one of the ass-raping cougars in National Lampoon’s Going The Distance, Capt/Detective Maggie Sawyer in 4 2003 episodes of Smallville, Mrs. Gordon in the Flash Gordon 2008 series, Madeline Drake in X-Men 2, Mission To Mars) as a hot principal.
And of course cameos by Bret Michaels (singer of Poison), Kevin Federline (ex-husband of Britney Spears), Dustin Diamond (Screech from Saved By The Bell), Christopher Knight (Peter Brady from The Brady Bunch), Tim Matheson (Jace from the original Space Ghost cartoon, Jonny Quest from the original Jonny Quest cartoon, Otter/Eric Stratton from Animal House, Van Wilder’s dad from Van Wilder 1, The West Wing, Bonanza, The Virginian), Robert Romanus (Fame, Fast Times At Ridgemont High), Carrie Keagan, Sherman Hemsley (George Jefferson from The Jeffersons, Senseless) as a preacher, Steve Railsback (Charles Manson in Helter Skelter).
VISUALS: There are a LOT of hot girls in this movie. I mean, that goes without saying for any American Pie or National Lampoon movie… But they may have just taken it to another level here. Plus we watched it in HD.
SOUNDTRACK: They brought back that “she only cums when she’s on top” song from the original American Pie 1 movie. And Yello’s “Oh Yeah” makes an appearance.
MORALS: Not many, other than getting laid is worth the effort, and saving yourself for marriage is a waste of time [and your body].
BAD STUFF: They should have had more of the hot Principal.
CONCLUSION: By bringing it back to high school virgins, they really brought the American Pie franchise back to its roots, making this more refreshing than the last 4 American Pie movies. In fact, we liked this about as much as American Pie 2, and out of all 7 movies, only American Pie 1 was conclusively better than this. I’m now actually looking forward to the next American Pie movie, instead of just being “willing to watch” the new ones.
Clint: Netflix: 4/5 stars. IMDB: 8/10.
Carolyn: Netflix: 4/5 stars. IMDB: 8/10.
Almost tempting to give this 5/5 stars.
The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 4.8/10 (way too low, as usual), Netflix: 3.0/5 stars.
For comparison, our past American Pie ratings:
American Pie 6:Beta House: 3/5, 6.4,5/10.
American Pie 5:The Naked Mile: 3/5, 6/10.
American Pie 4:Band Camp: 3/5.
American Pie 3:American Wedding: 3/5.
American Pie 2: 4/5.
American Pie 1: 5/5.
However, sequel-haters in general wont be able to properly manage their expectations, and will probably still hate it for not having the original actors and other crybaby reasons. This explains the low IMDB rating.
SIMILAR MOVIES: American Pie 1.
^^ Go to 1 minute mark to see 3 girls making out, a fantasy scene from the movie.
December 2, 2011
UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): [highlight for spoilers]→ Geeks try to ruin fun for non-geeks.
PEOPLE: We still have one of the original American Pie writers involved, though hardly anyone else. John White III and Steve Talley reprises their roles as Erik and Dwight Stifler from American Pie 5: The Naked Mile. (Talley was also in National Lampoon’s Van Wilder 0: Freshman Year). Christopher McDonald reprises his role as Mr. Stifler. He was Tappy Tibbons in Requiem For A Dream, and was also in The House Bunny, Fanboys, Superhero Movie, The Faculty, SLC Punk!, Fatal Instinct, and Mad Money (which we are going to watch soon). Eugene Levy stops by for several minutes — being the only actor to appear in all 7 American Pie films. Meghan Heffern was a lovely girl-next-door type, and stars in some horror movie called Insecticidal. She hasn’t done much, but seemed very real. Nic Nac seemed familiar — he was the gay corporal from Van Wilder 0: Freshman Year. A couple of the generic backdrop eye candy girls were also in Mean Girls. Strange, strange.
QUIRKS: College. Girls. Alcohol. Fraternities / pledging. Rivalry. Bestiality. Female ejaculation. Horse sperm Russian roulette.
The major quirk of this film is that it is much like many other fraternity rival films (Van Wilder 2, Revenge Of The Nerds) — except in THIS one, it is the geeks who are the bad guys. (What a twist?) That’s really the only refreshing aspect of the entire movie. Everything else is basically something you’ve seen before, but done again differently. Which is fine by me. I love party movies.
There is less emphasis on Stiffler specifically. Although he is the “main” character, he’s not in this as much as past Stifflers have been in past American Pie movies. This probably has the least romance of any American Pie movie to date.
VISUALS: The girls do take their tops off…
MORALS: Sometimes the geeks are the bad guys.
BAD STUFF: Not very unique. But then again, sequels shouldn’t typically BE unique. They are by definition “more of the same”.
It is also a bit scattered, as it focuses on several subplots rather than one arching plot. 0:20-0:40 felt like they had no plot at all, as they were just jumping from character to character. However, I think this helped de-emphasize the romance. What is a weakness can also be a strength. But the movie was indeed “all over the place” moreso than past entries in this franchise.
CONCLUSION: A decent party / rival fraternity college movie. It doesn’t get hunkered down by the romance, and keeps the comedy central to the plot. Slightly better than American Pie 5: The Naked Mile. We shall be progressing to American Pie 7 before too long.
Clint: Netflix: 3/5 stars. IMDB: 6.4/10. Tempted to give this a 7, but I was probably caught up in the “fun” aspect of the movie.
Carolyn: Netflix: 3/5 stars. IMDB: 5/10. She said she liked Naked Mile better, and this one seemed scattered.
The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 5.3/10, Netflix: 3.4/5 stars.
RECOMMENDATION: If you watched the American Pie franchise this far, you may as well continue. A *lot* of people liked this one better than #5 (The Naked Mile) and #4 (Band Camp). Some people even liked this better than American Pie 1 and American Pie 3 (American Wedding).
Comedy central has a version that has some entirely different scenes. It replaces the little people with “geek” house guys. Best to avoid this version.
December 1, 2011