Movies


 movie coverI'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Netflix link] This is kind of a movie, kind of not. Two 45 minute animations. Together, their length is about the same as a movie.

PLOT SUMMARY: I think the title pretty much summarizes the plot!

PEOPLE: From 2 directors who collectively directed Superman/Batman:Public Enemies, Justice League:Crisis On Two Earths, Planet Hulk, Batman Vs. Dracula, 7 eps of The Batman, 17 eps of X-Men Evolution, 16 eps of Gargoyles, and 16 eps of the 1990s Batman series. From 2 writers who collectively wrote Planet Hulk, Iron Man:Armored Adventures, Wolverine & The X-Men, Fantastic Four 2006, X-Men Evolution, and some eps of The Batman.

Tons of voice actors here. Bruce Banner is played by Bryce Johnson (Popular, 1 ep of Nip/Tuck). The Hulk is played by Fred Tatasciore, who’s done the Hulk in soooo many animated offerings over the past decade, voiced over 150 video games, was Beast in Wolverine & The X-Men, William Shatner in Robot Chicken, the neighbor in Invader Zim, Number 8 in the movie 9. He also does various monster sounds [sounds like another Frank Welker to me], such as the goblins in The Spiderwick Chronicles, and the Zillo Beast in the Star Wars:The Clone Wars series. Wolverine is played by Steve Blum, who’s done 200 video games, was Duke in G.I. Joe Resolute, Green Goblin in The Spectacular Spider-Man, and played Wolverine in Wolverine & The X-Men — this is his 6th time voicing Wolverine. He also played Yakky Doodle in Harvey Birdman:Attorney At Law, the announcer from Grim & Evil, W.I.T.C.H, Jamie from Megas XLR, and plenty of English-dub anime voices, like Great Teacher Onizuka and many other popular animes. He was also Lucifer in Dante’s Inferno:An Animated Epic, in a bunch of anime, and wrote 46 eps of Naruto. Tom Kane who voiced The Professor in the Wolverine half also voiced Professor Utonium in The PowerPuff Girls, and Professor Xavier in a video game.

A lot of the other voice actors were similarly in a bunch of superhero / anime related projects.

QUIRKS: Based on the comics (duh). Superhero action! And with the Thor half, Nordic/Norse fantasy. You even get to see Hel! Not Hell, Hel.

The Wolverine half is inspired by Wolverine‘s first ever appearance, which was in The Incredible Hulk #180.

VISUALS: Excellent animation production.

MORALS: Hulk smash!

POLITICS: Hulk smash!

BAD STUFF: Some complained that Thor was out of character. Others complained that Wolverine was too strong, and would have been torn apart by the Hulk. But both characters have come within a hair’s width of killing the other in the comics, so whoop dee do.

CONCLUSION: Outstanding animated action. You’d think Hulk Vs. Wolverine would be the more interesting half, but no, Hulk Vs. Thor was actually much more interesting. Despite lacking blood and gore, the action scenes in these are still enough to make you cringe at times. Hulk smash!

RATINGS:

Clint: Netflix: 5/5 stars. IMDB: 9/10. Though Clint might rate the Wolverine half a bit closer to 8/10.
Carolyn: Netflix: 5/5 stars. IMDB: 9/10.

Basically, Carolyn seemed to like the Wolverine half the same as the Thor half, but Clint thought the Thor one had a better story — and an actual conclusion to boot. The Wolverine one felt like it started and ended in the middle of the story — true to comic book form.

The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 7.1/10, Netflix: 3.8/5 stars (Netflix‘s predicted rating for us was 4.3/5 stars–correctly offset in the upward direction).

RECOMMENDATION: Hulk smash!!!!!!! Hulk smash!!!! Hulk smaaaaaaaaaaaaaaash!!!!

SIMILAR MOVIES: Planet Hulk.

MOVIE QUOTES:

Sabretooth: [to Wolverine] You’ve gotta love our healing factors. I’m gonna enjoy killing you for days! And then I think we’ll drop the Hulk on an orphanage or something.

Thor: Bruce Banner, I know thee to be a man of honor. I know thee to be a hero. The lives at stake are not your concern, not even human, but I ask you anyway. Be that hero now.

Deadpool: What do you say after the mission, we kill all of those floating babies?
Omega Red: Do you ever shut up, Wilson?
Deadpool: What? Babies creep me out.
[cradles his rifle]

Wolverine: You should’ve killed me when you had the chance, ’cause I’m gonna get outta here, I’m gonna kill all of them, and then… I’m gonna cut out your heart. (more…)

 movie coverI'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Netflix link]

PLOT SUMMARY: This movie is to tourism what The Invention Of Lying is to lying. That is, tourism starts to exist in a world that’s never had it. Quirky comedy ensues, as well as some conflict.

UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): Tourism creates evildoing.

PEOPLE: From the same director as The Hogfather, comes another 3+ hr double-feature TV movie. Watching these in 1 night is quite a challenge!

The main character Twoflower is played by Sean Astin (Samwise Gamgee from The Lord Of The Rings movies, Mikey Walsh from The Goonies, the movie Click, 50 First Dates, Encino Man). Troubled wizard Rincewind is played by David Jason (the original voice of Danger Mouse, as well as the Danger Mouse narrator, and Albert in Terry Pratchett‘s The Hogfather, and Count Duckula). Evildoer Trymon is played by Tim Curry (Rocky Horror Picture Show, Kinsey, Scary Movie 2 Pretorius from The Mask animated series, King Chicken from Duckman, Dr. Sevarius from Gargoyles, Konk from The Pirates Of Darkwater). Death is played by Christopher Lee (just like in The Hogfather; he is Count Dooku in the new Star Wars movies, Saruman in The Lord Of The Rings movies, Sleepy Hollow, The Last Unicorn, and well over 200 movies). The Arch Astronomer is played by Nigel Planar (Neil from The Young Ones, The Hogfather, and one of the Department Of Works dudes from the movie Brazil; he also narrates a lot of the Discworld audiobooks). Cohen The Barbarian is played by David Bradley (Argus Filch in every Harry Potter movie, Arthur Webley in Hot Fuzz).

QUIRKS: Based on 2 of Terry Pratchett‘s books (The Colour Of Magic and The Light Fantastic), and thus it is deliberately quirky fantasy with a lot of dry British comedy.

VISUALS: Decent effects for something on a Made-for-British-TV budget.

WILHELM SCREAM: Thought we might have heard one, but really not sure.

POLITICS: The tourism industry is created not to help tourists, but to make sure as much money as possible is extracted from tourists.

BAD STUFF: LONG! Made for TV. And many people probably don’t like Terry Pratchett‘s “non-serious fantasy” tone. They probably don’t like unrealistic quirkiness for the hell of it. And Death’s eyes are still the saddest special effect in either movies. We still think this formula works though: Quirky is weird, weird fantasy is unique, and unique means a lot to us.

CONCLUSION: An exceedingly long, quirky, non-serious, fun fantasy romp.

RATINGS:
Clint: Netflix: 4/5 stars. IMDB: 8/10.
Carolyn: Netflix: 5/5 stars. IMDB: 9/10.
The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 7.1/10, Netflix: 3.5/5 stars (Netflix‘s predicted rating for us was 3.9/5 stars–closer than the average!).

RECOMMENDATION: Fantasy maniacs should really like this — though you may want to watch it over the course of 2 nights. 10PM is definitely too late to start something over 3 hrs, especially if you tend to take breaks while watching movies.

SIMILAR MOVIES: Other fantasy movies.

MOVIE QUOTE: Rincewind: That’s old Twoflower for you. He just appreciates beauty in his own way. I mean, if a poet sees a daffodil, he stares at it and then writes a long poem. But Twoflower would wander off and buy a book on botany, and then as he reads it he would tread on the daffodil. (more…)

 movie coverI'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Netflix link]

PLOT SUMMARY: Schoolgirls try to find pirate treasure. I shit you not.

QUIRKS: Ridiculous girl power adventure comedy mystery. Not everybody’s cup of tea.

PEOPLE: From director Oliver Parker (Dorian Gray (2009), St. Trinian’s 1 (2007), The Importance Of Being Earnest (2002)) and Barnaby Thompson (producer of Wayne’s World, Kids In The Hall:Brain Candy, Coneheads).

Starring Rupert Everett (Prince Charming in the Shrek movies), Colin Firth (Dorian Gray), David Tennant (Doctor Who), and a bunch of girls… From the first movie, Gemma Arterton, Talulah Riley (The Boat That Rocked), Tamsin Egerton, and Sarah Harding. Not that I have any idea who they are. Just a bunch of hot “schoolgirls” who are all actually over 20. Ahh, the warped realities of ‘cinema’…

VISUALS: Plenty of schoolgirls. And a bit o’ action too.

SOUNDTRACK: Bands with girls in the movie in them. I dunno… Apparently they’re more popular in the UK or something. I don’t care.

BAD STUFF: A ridiculous schoolgirl mystery sounds like hell to a lot of people. Also, if you can actually keep track of the individual characters (I can’t), some of the ones from the first movie aren’t in this movie. So no Lily Cole (NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!). No Mischa Barton. Sigh. It’s a sequel. Of course, this whole franchise is a reboot from the original 5 St. Trinian’s movies (1950s-1980s). So there’s plenty of things to dislike here. We just happen to be too distracted by hot “schoolgirls” to notice.

CONCLUSION: Pretty lighthearted, random, and ridiculous. Judging by our ratings, this was better than the original. But I’m not 100% sure if that’s really true. It’s hard to rate consistently. Just more of the same really. Nothing special. Lighthearted fun.

RATINGS:
Clint: Netflix: 3.4/5 stars. IMDB: 7/10.
Carolyn: Netflix: 3/5 stars. IMDB: 7/10.

The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 5.2/10, Netflix: 3.5/5 stars.

RECOMMENDATION: If you can stand this type of shit… Go for it.

SIMILAR MOVIES: Looks like a 3rd movie is coming out in 2010: St. Trinian’s Versus The World.

MOVIE QUOTE: Zoe [emo]: There’s no reason to be scared of death. ‘Cause death is, you know, like life, but all of the crap gets taken out. Like poverty and fascism and Miley Cyrus.

COINCIDENCES: (double coincidence type) (St. Trinians #2, Bro’ Town #6) 2 videos in a row mentioning King/Queen Lear, as well as doing a “My Precious” Lord Of The Rings parody.
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 movie coverI'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Netflix link] [Wikipedia link] You really gotta watch the extended version of this film. Theatrical cuts tend to ruin movies, and it’s one more nail in the coffin of paying for movie tickets. I don’t know why they do it. BTW – the extended cut pushes the rating from PG-13 to a “soft” R. Ahh yes, the MPAA is involved. That’s why when you view a movie in the theaters it’s worse — they want to protect us from the vision of artists. Fuck them, and fuck giving them money. I encourage readers to pirate the extended cut, and a big fuck you to the MPAA. To omit/shorten the high roller scene in the theatrical cut is utterly-fucking-inexcusable.

PEOPLE: Directed by Zack Snyder, who I have mixed feelings about. Some of his stuff I don’t really like (300), some of it I like, but consider very flawed and unnecessarily hard to follow (Watchmen). But I thought he did a great job on Legend Of The Guardians:The Owls Of Ga’Hoole, which oddly is probably his least favorite to the public. This is his first movie not based on another work.

Major characters: Main character Baby Doll is played by the now-legal Emily Browning (the girl from Lemony Snicket’s A Series Of Unfortunate Events, also Ghost Ship), who somehow manages to pull off an almost-impossible combination of cute, hot, *and* sultry. They were going to use Amanda Seyfried first — who knows if she could have pulled it off as well. I have mixed feelings about that.

Sweet Pea is played by Abbie Cornish (Otulissa from Legend Of The Gardians). Her sister, Rocket, is played by Jena Malone (Gretchen Ross from Donnie Darko, Life As A House). Blue Jones (who may as well be Sleazy P. Martini from GWAR) is played by Oscar Isaac.

Supporting characters: The dance instructor is Carla Gugino (Silk Spectre from Watchmen, Spy Kids). The High Roller/Doctor is played by Jon Hamm — who was a doctor in 2 episodes of AdultSwim‘s Childrens Hospital, and was also in The A-Team, Shrek Forever After, and is a regular in Mad Men. The wise man is played by Scott Glenn (Sheriff Foster from Camille, Ezra Kramer from The Bourne Ultimatum, Roger from Training Day, Father Moody from The Virgin Suicides, Backdraft, The Hunt For Red October, Apocalypse Now.) Amber is played by Jamie Chung (Chi Chi from Dragonball:Evolution, The Hangover 2). Blondie is played by Vanessa Hudgens (Thirteen, High School Musical).

Minor characters: Asshole stepfather is Gerard Plunkett (2 eps of Smallville, Aaagh! It’s The Mr. Hell Show, Sabrina The Animated Series, Snakes On A Plane, 2012).

PLOT SUMMARY: Ultimately this is about trying to escape a mental institution, but it’s quite possible to watch most of the movie without every realizing this. Basically, a girl is committed to the looney bin by her asshole stepfather, and set up to get a lobotomy in 5 days. Between the mental hospital’s treatment of her, and her own guilt for what brought her there, her mind copes by splitting reality into multiple fantasy worlds. [Read the IMDB summaries HERE.]

UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): [highlight for spoilers] Lobotomies are kinda awesome

BACKWARD PLOT SUMMARY: [highlight for spoilers] Girl enters insane asylum, performs reconstructive brain surgery on friend, resurrects dead friends, helps resurrected friend leave asylum and resurrect her sister.

QUIRKS: Considered an action/fantasy thriller musical. That’s a lot of genres to throw together. Sacrifice. Anachronism. Girl power. Girl [s]exploitation. Child abuse. Rape. Bad mental institutions. Lobotomies that should not be. A dream within a dream. Multiple levels of plot. Open to interpretation. A bit pretentious, but then it pays off and seems much less so.

VISUALS: Absolutely amazing visual style. VERY VERY VERY stylized. Zack Snyder stands out here; his gratuitous style works much better when related to a mental patient’s internal mind struggles than it did in the movie 300, where it just kind of got in the way of what was going on. 300 disappointed me. This did not.

SOUNDTRACK: It’s okay. They have some songs I know — Sweet Dreams (Eurhtymics), Where Is My Mind?? (Pixies), White Rabbit (Jefferson Airplane), Search & Destroy (The Stooges) — but they are ALL covers. The Pixies cover in particular really ruins the song. However, when normally confronted with covers, I scoff at the idea that they were used instead of originals in order to lower the royalty payment rate. But in this case, the movie is deliberately anachronistic. They mix time periods together like nothing else. Think: Reel-to-reel tape recorder playing industrial dance music. So using covers actually helps increase the anachronism a bit, by making the music EVEN MORE modern than if they had used the original. (Face it, those songs are all in the approximate 1975-1995 era, and this is a 2011 movie.) So I can understand why that choice was made.

MORALS: You can always fight. So do it. There’s also a big moral here about the value of making sacrifice.

POLITICS: Girls get the shit end of things. Mental hospitals aren’t so great for people.

GOOD STUFF: Some of the most incredible action sequences you’ve ever seen. And a movie that tricks you into thinking it’s a completely different kind of movie than it really is. “In order to impress your audience, you must betray their expectations.” It comes off like Charlie’s Angels but is really more like Pan’s Labyrinth or Brazil.

GOOD? OR BAD? STUFF: Good or bad — this movie is far, far, far, FAR, FAR, FAR darker than people would anticipate by the trailers or plot summaries. It’s actually one of the saddest movies I’ve seen in a long time, while coating the sadness with a sugar-coating of awesome nerdgasm mindless action scenes.

BAD STUFF:

And as mentioned before, the soundtrack has issues.

It’s out of character for me to feel this way, but I think the mindless action were kind of a flaw. In a way, it’s almost like they said, “This is too depressing. Let’s put some mindless action scenes in it.” I was actually bored and unable to pay full attention to some of the action sequences. I will pay more attention next time, now that I understand they aren’t as utterly meaningless as I thought.

Considering that I love action — even animated superhero action — and my favorite action movie of all time is Crank — and I loved the A-Team movie — it’s kind of weird that the action here bored me a bit. Part of it is motivation. In Crank, we have a guy very much motivated to do what he is doing for the right reasons. This is also true in Sucker Punch, but the Inception-level dream-within-a-dream made the literal actions (killing orcs, steampunk nazis, baby dragons) almost utterly unrelated to what was going on in the movie. However, there was definitely symbolism I missed — I’m not good at symbolism. Some explanations online made me feel better about those sequences, and I will enjoy them more when I watch this again in the future. However, without knowing these explanations, I couldn’t help but think that at least with Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, we were in the same reality, and understood his motivations. Here, when Baby Doll is fighting a 20 ft stone samurai, you just wonder what’s the point of it all? At least in Brazil (which also had fantasy samurai), the inner-hallucinations of a mind descending into insanity were still directly related to the main plots of the film.

I think I may have let my foot fall into the same trap that made many people hate this film — however, I pulled my foot out of the trap, cleaned my wounds, and realized that I still love the way it was done.

The movie also comes off as bit pretentious during the first 2/3rds. It comes off as trying to come off very poignant, yet basically giving the simple message of, “If you can fight, you should fight! … So let’s watch some fight scenes!”

And yet… By the very end, the movie truly is much more than it seems to be, so it might not be pretentious after all. It might even be the opposite of that. It gives me very mixed feelings, which makes me keep thinking and thinking about it. And that’s a good thing.

This movie was not well received in the US (22% positive via Rotten Tomatoes, 33/100 on Metacritic). It is sometimes compared to a video game — which I definitely agree with. I thought the action scenes were more like watching someone play a video game than watching a movie. Granted, it would be an amazing video game with better graphics and gameplay than anything that has ever existed on this planet, but still — it was like watching a big cut scene. If you ever played the videogame Heavy Rain — it is a video game that feels like a movie at times. Sucker Punch is a movie that feels like a video game at times. This will piss some people off. Other people are glad to see the lines between mediums slowly blurring. (Incidentally, the stepfather in this movie reminded us of the P.I. in Heavy Rain.)

Don’t listen to the feminist haters of the movie, who hate it for feminist reasons though. They’re full of shit. This movie is about rising against the exploitation. There is a metaphor made between burlesque dancers who prostitute on the side, and exploited female mental hospital patients. It’s a valid point. Yes, the action comes off over-the-top, like an exploitation film — but the ultimate message is that the girls should fight for their freedom rather than sit there and take it. The feminist haters of this movie need to shut the fuck up.

Similarly, a lot of people want to gender-type this as a bunch of “fanboys’ wet dreams”. After all, why the hell would a girl fantasize about nazis, orcs, samurai, and mechas? God people are close-minded. I guess she should have fantasized about a rich prince saving her? C’mon now!

It definitely has a polarized response — people tend to love it or hate it. Not much middle ground.

CONCLUSION: This movie tricks you into thinking it’s a different kind of movie than it really is. It’s absolutely not mindless, like many people (including myself as I was watching it) claim. I actually think this may be Zack Snyder’s best work yet (though my 2nd favorite of his is the Owls Of Ga’Hoole movie, so take what I say with a grain of salt [as usual]). 300 kinda sucked, and Watchmen was awesome but flawed and convoluted. This, too, is awesome but flawed  and convoluted. However, it was much more poignant than Watchman, even if it came off as pretentious while watching it. This movie is actually some of the saddest, darkest stuff I’ve ever seen, sugar-coated with nerdfetish action scenes the likes of which I’ve never seen before. Two great tastes that don’t normally go together make this movie an incredibly unique offering.

RATINGS:
Carolyn: Netflix: 5/5 stars. IMDB: 9/10. “Dark and sad, with a lighthearted feel to it.”
Clint: Netflix: 4.4/5 stars. IMDB: 8.2/10. I very well may upgrade that to 5/5 stars, 8.4-8.8/10 next time I watch it.
The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 6.4/10, Netflix: 3.7/5 stars (Netflix‘s predicted rating for us was 4.1/5 stars).

RECOMMENDATION: Check it out — but beware that it’s a bit deeper than it seems. It will come off a pretentious and pointless, but it ties together by the end — at least, if you watch the Extended Version. If you watch the theatrical version, you’re fucked.

SIMILAR MOVIES: This movie had visual aspects similar to Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, Avalon (2001), and even Charlie’s Angels. It has cerebral aspects similar to Inception, Brazil, Pan’s Labyrinth, and One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest. The level of darkness — blacker than the blackest black times infinity — contrasted with the sugar-coating of feelgood action to make the darkness go down easier — actually reminded me of the feel of Kick-Ass.

A smidge of Pan’s Labyrinth (which even has the main character needing to retrieve a knife and key, as well as self-sacrifice).

MOVIE QUOTE:

Sweet Pea: “It’s you. You have all the weapons you need. Now fight!”

Wiseman: “For those who fight for it, life has a flavor the sheltered will never know.”


FRIENDS’ RATINGS: McGani listed this as the worst movie she’s ever seen. Xister added it to his “list of very few movies I can’t watch”, said he felt like he was watching MTV half the time, a video game the other half of the time. Jesse actually walked out of the theater.

OTHER REVIEWS: Outlaw Vern’s review is a good one, highlighting some of the strengths and many of the weaknesses of this movie. Specifically he helps capture what it is that I didn’t quite like about the way the action sequences fit in. He made a 2nd “Mystery Solved” post about it too.


CONCLUSION 2: MANY MONTHS LATER (A FACEBOOK COMMENT I LEFT ABOUT SUCKER PUNCH THAT I DECIDED TO COPY HERE): 

I would have liked those scenes much less if they weren’t so anachronistic, but for godssake i hope you didn’t watch the theatrical cut, because they totally fucked that up and eliminated the climax scene thanks to the MPAA.

In the end, what we have is something almost as profound and dark as One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest, but deliberately wrapped in a package so trite as to appear like the next episode of “So You Think You Can Fight Anachronistic Enemies Unrelated To The Plot”. But it turns out their actions in all those scenes were symbolic of what was happening in real life, and I just wasn’t observant enough to notice this because I don’t deal with symbolism as well as most (find it pretentious and obfuscating all too often).

I was bored as hell during those parts, thinking it was going to end up being something I’d rate a low-3 or high-2 stars (which is like bottom 10th percentile for me) …

… Then the end happened. (And unlike the people who paid, I actually got to see it all without being censored.)

…And my opinion shot up a lot. To 4-stars at a minimum, this-is-in-the-top-half-[or-third]-of-movies-and-i-should-see-it-again-some-day-knowing-it-all status.

The absolute worst response to this film, however, are the people mad that they didn’t get to see Baby Doll’s dance. It was a McGuffin of sorts, and it kinda worked better if you didn’t see it, like what’s in the suitcase in Pulp Fiction.

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VIDEO: MOVIE: REVIEW: The Avengers (2012)

5/5 stars from Clint & Carolyn
4/5 stars from Eli
3/5 stars from Parthena.

10/10 from Carolyn,
9.6/10 from Clint,
8/10 from Eli,
6/10 from Parthena.

IMDB overall rating is 8.6/10, making it the 65th highest-rated movie of all time. 42% of people rate it 10/10, and only 1/6th of people rate it less than 8+/10. The median rating is 9/10.

No real need to say much about this. Everyone saw it, and it was as awesome as it promised to be. The clashing of egos was hilarious, and it was great to see this epic heroes — built up over the last 5 Marvel movies or so — finally all together on screen at once.

And of course we’ve been watching the cartoon, Avengers:Earth’s Mightiest Heroes, so we’ve been pretty immersed in these characters on a very regular basis.

Eli: “As long as it stands on the other movies I think it was awesome. That being said I could have had a bit more about Hawk. But for pulling together so many heros’ backstories I thought it did a really good job. Plus it was really funny :)”

Carolyn: “I’m leaning towards 10/10, because it had funny banter and good battles. I can’t think of a reason not to give it a 10.”

LINK URL: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0848228/

 movie coverI'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Netflix link]

PLOT SUMMARY: Cobra has re-activated after many years, and G.I. Joe basically have 24 hours to stop a nefarious plot.

UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): G.I.s die.

PEOPLE: Charles Adler (The Red Guy from Cow & Chicken, Buster Bunny from Tiny Toons, Low Light in the original G.I. Joe, Silverbolt in Transformers) replaces Chris Latta (Starscream in Transformers, and Mr. Burns in 3 early Simpsons episodes) as Cobra Commander — just like he replaced Chris Latta (R.I.P.) as Starscream in Transformers! But for the most part, just a bunch of cartoon-industry people. Directed by an old storyboard artist from the recent Justice League series…


R.I.P. Chris Latta, original voice of Cobra Commander and Starscream

QUIRKS: Deaaaaath! Real death! No parachutes coming out of planes that just exploded. Hell, they killed over 10 million people in this! Way more realism with the death, but not with everything else.

Still — some badass fight scenes.

A martial arts move that reminds me of Kill Bill 2.

And some major destruction.

VISUALS: A Titmouse production! That is to say, same studio that brought us Metalocalypse, Beavis & Butt-head tripping in the desert in the B&B movie, Guitar Hero cinematics, and Avatar:The Last Airbender (soon to be a live-action film).

Way better animation than the original series.

Obviously.

That’s kind of the point.

POLITICS: Not enough, really. The Black Panther animated series had a lot more relavent politics.

BAD STUFF: It’s only an hour… It’s only a one-time thing… A lot of characters get killed off. Fortunately I didn’t remember any of them anyway. I was always a bit more into Transformers

The bad guys’ aim is no better now than in the 1980s. Two people can stand back to back in the middle of a room where everyone else is trying to shoot them to death, and THRIVE. Even when the enemy has machine guns and they have pistols.

The “Springfield” town was a little bit too contrived. This bothered Carolyn more than Clint. Clint thought “Springfield” was a neat way of saying “Anyville, USA”. Twenty years of The Simpsons kind of drives that home.

The plot was a bit thin at some points. Total deus ex machina at the end…

CONCLUSION: Despite its flaws, this way way better than the original cartoon. DEAAAAAAATH! REAL DEATH! Over 10 million killed!

RATINGS:
Clint: Netflix: 4/5 stars. IMDB: 7/10.
Carolyn: Netflix: 3/5 stars. IMDB: 7/10.

The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 7.8/10, Netflix: 3.9/5 stars (Netflix‘s predicted rating for us was 4.4/5 stars, turned out to be a bit high).

Lord Cyclohexane says: “Warren Ellis is one of my favorite comic book writers, and he did a fantastic job when he wrote G. I. Joe: Resolute. I hope he gets more cartoon contracts, and I really look forward to the adaptation of his “Ocean” which I believe he himself is adapting.”

RECOMMENDATION: If you liked the original G.I. Joe cartoon AND the new G.I. Joe movie (Rise Of The Cobra), then it is a certainty that you’ll like this. However, a lot of people who liked the cheesy old cartoon then whined about the movie. Perhaps they weren’t ready for a live-action adaptation? Perhaps cartoons done in live action are too serious? Maybe some of those people who hated Rise Of The Cobra would still like this animated offering. It’s only an hour!

Quite a few people flat out say this is better than Rise Of The Cobra. I dunno. I like the glitz of some fancy live-action special effects. But I also love cartoons. In the end, I might like the live-action movie better simply because there is more of it.

MOVIE QUOTE: Cobra Commander: And this is how I win the world. This juncture, of course, is usually where the wheels come off. But not this time!
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 movie coverI'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Netflix link]

PLOT SUMMARY: Owlman is more of a fucking asshole than anybody ever.

PEOPLE: Executive produced by Bruce Timm, who is basically the #1 DC action cartoon force of my lifetime: Justice League, Batman Beyond, Superman, Batman… Every DC comic-related series or movie since 1990 has his name on it. Directed by Sam Liu (Superman/Batman: Public Enemies, Hulk Vs., Batman Vs. Dracula, 7 eps of The Batman series, 3 eps of the Roughnecks Starship Troopers series) and Lauren Montgomery (the Wonder Woman animated movie, Green Lantern:First Flight, Superman/Doomsday).

Interesting casting; they have abandoned the standard 1990s and 2000s voices used for many of the heroes.

Now we have William Baldwin (Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Flatliners) as Batman [No more Kevin Conroy! Wahh!].
Mark Harmon (Freaky Friday 2003, NCIS, Chicago Hope, St. Elsewhere) as Superman [No more Tim Daly! Wahh!].
Chris Noth (Law & Order, Mr. Big from Sex & The City) as Lex Luthor [No more Clancy Brown! Wahh!].
Gina Torres (Zoe from Firefly, Nebula from Hercules/Xena, Cleopatra 2025, 7 eps of 24 in 2004, Cas from The Matrix 2 & 3) as Superwoman.
James Woods (John Carpenter’s Vampires, Videodrome, Cat’s Eye) as Owlman, a real fucking asshole in the movie. [INTERVIEW]
Here’s an interesting one: Wonder Woman was played by Vanessa Marshall, who played Irwin in The Grim Adventures Of Billy & Mandy. From weak black boy to strong white woman, I guess she has a versatile voice, yo. She was also Lust Minion #2 in the animated Dante’s Inferno movie.
Green Lantern is played by Nolan North, who did Cyclop’s voice in the excellent Wolverine & The X-Men animated series, and Dead Pool in the Hulk Vs. mini-movies. And oh, he was a goblin voice in the great live-action fantasy The Spiderwick Chronicles.
A minor part, The Jester, was played by James Patrick Stewart, who some might remember as Keith from Andy Richter Controls The Universe.
And Black Canary? Kari Whurer – from The Adventures Of Ford Fairlane, Eight Legged Freaks, Sliders, and, most memorably, MTV’s Remote Control, where everyone lusted after her from 1988 til 1989.

QUIRKS: Alternate earth superhero action fest!

VISUALS: Great action. Well choreographed fight scenes. I’ve never seen Wonder Woman tie another woman up in such a graceful, action-packed, slickly-animated way. Great job.

MORALS: If you’re not Owlman, you’re not as much of an asshole as you could be.

POLITICS: Most governments would rather placate evil than stand up directly to it. Security over liberty, as usual. (Didn’t anyone learn anything from “Give me liberty or give me death”??)

BAD STUFF: The voice actor casting is distracting to those who have watched every animated Batman incarnation for 20 years.

CONCLUSION: A lot of action! Even in the first half! Solidly entertaining — this is one of the best animated superhero action movies to come out of the past decade. And alternate realities make anything more interesting!

RATINGS:
Clint: Netflix: 5/5 stars. IMDB: 9/10.
Carolyn: Netflix: 5/5 stars. IMDB: 9/10.
The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 7.1/10, Netflix: 3.9/5 stars (Netflix‘s predicted rating for us was 4.4/5 stars).

RECOMMENDATION: Worth seeing for any superhero fan!

SIMILAR MOVIES: Superman/Batman: Public Enemies was similarly kick-ass.

MOVIE QUOTE: This is the first time I’ve seen Wonder Woman with an invisible plane since the Superfriends era. It’s simply too goofy, and they were smart never to use it. But in this film, she ends up with one by the end. It’s not really relevant to the plot, but it’s nice that they give a nod to the original Wonder Woman mythos. The Flash confronts her about it:

Flash: I can’t believe you kept that thing.
Wonder Woman: Spoils of war. I like it.
Flash: What do you need a plane for anyway? You can fly.
Green Lantern: You drive a car.
Flash: That is *so* not the point. (more…)

I'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Not available on Netflix.]

PLOT SUMMARY: A grief-stricken dysfunctional family goes camping.

PEOPLE: It’s a Danish film, so nobody anyone here would know. The director is literally a bitch.

QUIRKS: Camping! Most of this movie takes place at a big communal campsite. Reminds me of Brushwood Folklore Center.

The fat  son reminds me of Ubuntu from The Goode Family.

VISUALS: Camping.

MORALS: Uh… If your dad shoots himself in the head, don’t stop doing fun things because you feel all depressed.

BAD STUFF: The whole movie. How utterly pointless. Billed as a comedy/drama, but really it’s just a shitty drama.

My favorite part was when they showed the camper driving into the campsite. “It looks like Brushwood! X-Day is only a month away! [as of the time of writing this, 6/2010]“. The rest of the movie? Quite awful actually. Slow, pointless drama. I assume the characters are going through some sort of introspective transformation, but we’re never really told what is going on in their head.

As usual, any movie with someone writing a book in it is awful. Just something I’ve noticed. They try to ascribe all this fake profundity on the writings of the writer, but in the end, the few bits of her writing that were “read” in the movie just made me hate everything that much more.

CONCLUSION: Crap.

RATINGS:
Clint: Netflix: 2/5 stars. IMDB: 4/10.

Carolyn: Netflix: 3/5 stars. IMDB: 6/10. I asked her to submit a few words on why she didn’t think it sucked, and she didn’t really have any reasons or response to offer.

The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 5.5/10.

RECOMMENDATION: Tip: Don’t procure foreign movies based on one word titles that happen to be something you like. Then again, I procured Young People Fucking explicitly because of the title, and that movie ruled. But it wasn’t foreign. Thus, I’m saying that this rule only applies to FOREIGN movies. Why? No reason; that’s just my personal experience. My rules for movie procurement have changed. I won’t make this mistake again (hopefully). (more…)

 movie coverI'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Netflix link]

PLOT SUMMARY: A spoof-genre comedy primarily making fun of The 40 Year Old Virgin, Knocked Up, Superbad, and Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Yes, they are spoofing movies that are already comedies. Which sort of defeats the point. I mean, obviously anyone watching this knows in advance that it’s not going to be anywhere near as good as those 4 movies. So people complaining heavily about this movie as if they had no clue it was going to be the way it turned out to be are a bit silly for not realizing that this might not be worth watching. Me? I’m good at setting expectations. [See CONCLUSION, below.]

UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): [highlight for spoilers] 41 yrs of cum built-up spurts into your face at the end.

PEOPLE: Some of the people they chose were funny: They didn’t just spoof movies, they spoofed the actors as well.

Steven Sims played Jonah, an obvious Jonah Hill parody. In fact, he created a show called Destroying Jonah Hill, where his attempt is to besmirch Jonah Hill‘s name so that he can have his own success instead of living in his shadow. He looks like Jonah Hill that much. But maybe with a 5% less I-want-to-punch-you-in-the-face factor.

Stephen Kramer Glickman did a decent job playing Seth, an obvious Seth Green Rogan parody. Not nearly as good as Steven Sims as Jonah Hill, but still. You could tell right away who he was parodying.

Bryan Callen played the main character. He’s been in The Hangover, Old School, Scary Movie 4, MadTV, How I Met Your Mother, 7th Heaven.

QUIRKS: Spoof-genre movie. Lots of poor re-creations of already-seen scenes. But done without any tact, and with far less creativity. I’m a fan of gross humor, and hate when people say “they just go for the easy gross humor”. But in this case, they really are doing it because it’s the easy way out. For once, I agree with the detractors of gross humor. (The grossness is still kinda funny, though.)

McAnalovin’?

VISUALS: The girls were hot. Especially Noureen DeWulf, who looked better in the movie than her IMDB pictures. Maybe we’ll see her in National Lampoon’s Pledge This at some point in the future.

BAD STUFF: Kind of disgusting at points. And a bit pointless. Some of the jokes were pretty bad. Even some jokes I’d heard before — I mean, a guy farting when he meets his love, getting embarrassed, and then the girl farts too so now everything’s okay. I feel like I’ve seen that in like 5 movies already.

Definitely not a top tier spoof movie. I still laughed out loud, but Carolyn didn’t as much.

Some of the negative comments on the IMDB forum were pretty funny. “Mass suicide on release date? Who’s in?” “This can’t end well.” “Dude, this can’t *start* well.” “If this succeeds, I hope the Chinese invade us and take us over.”

CONCLUSION: I expected to howl out loud a few times while thinking most of the jokes were lame — and that’s about what I got. Though I had no clue it would disgust me so much that I had to look away from the screen multiple times. That’s a difficult accomplishment.

RATINGS:
Clint: Netflix: 2.6/5 stars. IMDB: 5.6/10. Basically, as low of a generic pass as humanly possible.
Carolyn: Netflix: 2/5 stars. IMDB: 4/10. Not passing.

The native public rating for this movie is: Netflix: 3.2/5 stars. IMDB does not yet have a rating at the time of writing this, but it surely will by the time this is posted only rates this 2.8/10. Wowie.

RECOMMENDATION: Unless you are a spoof-genre comedy movie completist, stay away from this.

SIMILAR MOVIES: Date Movie. Epic Movie. Meet The Spartans. My Big Fat Independent Movie. That is, the worse half of spoof-genre movies. If you want a good one, go watch Not Another Teen Movie, Scary Movie, or even Totally Awesome if you love the 1980s.

Hmm, I never did see Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday The Thirteenth.

Hmm, maybe they should have just called this Comedy Movie?
(more…)

 movie coverI'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Netflix link]

UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): [highlight for spoilers] Drug-addict detective pushes friends away, solves mystery

PEOPLE: Directed by Guy Ritchie (Snatch, Lock, Stock, And Two Smoking Barrels). Starring Robert Downey Jr. (Iron Man, Tropic Thunder, A Scanner Darkly, Wonder Boys, The Incredible Hulk, Natural Born Killers, Less Than Zero), Jude Law (A.I., I Heart Huckabees, The Aviator, The Imaginarium Of Doctor Parnassus, Road To Perdition, Lemony Snicket in Lemony Snicket’s A Series Of Unfortunate Events, eXistenZ, Gattaca), and Rachel McAdams (The Time Traveler’s Wife, Wedding Crashers, Mean Girls, The Hot Chick). Main bad guy played by Mark Strong (Septimus from Stardust, Sunshine, Syriana).

QUIRKS: Based on a book (DUH!). First Sherlock Holmes movie in America in 20+ yrs. There will be a sequel.

VISUALS: They did a good job setting a movie in the 1800s. And greatly stylized closing credits, FWIW.

BAD STUFF: No cocaine use. Sherlock Holmes was in intravenous cocaine user! That’s part of his character. That’s why he’s so hyped up, observing everything in a manic fashion. He also occasionally uses morphine. But of course our “drugs are bad” culture, despite using more drugs than any other culture, combined with capitalism dictating that everything must go down the makes-most-money route, means that difficult messages that might cause parents to not take their kids to the movies are whitewashed out. Sherlock Holmes is great, but please don’t cast a Pleasantville (and I’m talking about the black and white part) vibe over everything America, kthxbye.

Well, actually, they did mention it, but only in such a subtle way that I didn’t even notice: Watson’s line to Holmes: “You know that what you’re drinking is for eye surgery.” Still, it should have been more obvious that Holmes’s success has nothing to do with sobriety; he’s all hopped up while solving mysteries!

Also, the sound mix seemed inferior, but that could have just been my particular situation.

CONCLUSION: A good action mystery! Good fight scenes too!

RATINGS:
Carolyn: Netflix: 4/5 stars. IMDB: 7.6/10. A low 8/10, basically. “I feel like it was a good movie, but there were times when I found my attention had faltered… so it didn’t keep me gripped 100% of the time… so I thought I should detract for that. but maybe that was just my mindset at the time, and that was why I was easily distracted. :)”

Clint: Netflix: 4/5 stars. IMDB: 8/10. Carolyn might be right about it only being a 7.6/10, but I’m going to go with 8/10 because I don’t feel like thinking about it :)

The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 7.5/10, Netflix: 3.7/5 stars (Netflix‘s predicted rating for us was 4.2/5 stars–correct!).

RECOMMENDATION: Definitely worth seeing!

SIMILAR MOVIES: There will be a sequel in 2011!

MOVIE QUOTE: Sherlock Holmes: “As to the mystery, the only mystery is why you bothered… to blindfold me at all.” (more…)

 movie coverI'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Netflix link]

PEOPLE: Written & Directed by newcomer Tom Six. “Horror is really unexplored territory, and there are still barriers to look for,” he says. Here’s an interview with him about making the movie: [INTERVIEW].

Bad guy played by Dieter Laser, who has been in lots of German movies. He is basically a modern-day Mengele — this film could indeed be considered a commentary on the Holocaust science “experiments” performed on unwilling Jews. Hell, the character shared the same first name and nationality as Mengele. This is no coincidence. Nor is the inclusion of a Japanese character. This is World War 2 shit.

The two dumb bitches who pretty much deserve to die for being so fucking stupid are played by Ashley C. Williams (the only other movie she was in was Willow when she was 4 years old) and Ashlynn Yennie (who’s been in 2 movies before, 1 a TV movie). Yes, their real life names are Ashley and Ashlynn, and as a duo, they are as stupid in the movie as they sound in real life.

Also starring Akihiro Kitamura, a Japanese actor.

PLOT SUMMARY: An evil retired surgeon conspires to make a human centipede, sewing multiple people together — ass to mouth.

UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): Elective surgery leads to complications.

HAIKU REVIEW: Evil scientist;
Bad elective surgery
that nobody wants.

QUIRKS: Horror without hope. The IMDB forum for this movie has some of the most insane threads ever.

Contains English, German, and Japanese dialog.

VISUALS: They could have made this a lot grosser, actually. For a movie with peoples’ mouths sewn to other peoples’ asses, they could have had a LOT more shit eating. Instead, it’s about 10 seconds. Personally, I would have directed them to choke on the shit and show it dripping out of their nose. For all the people who won’t see this because it’s so gross — I think Troma movies are way grosser. This has blood. And a drop of puss. Whoop de do. Gwar concerts are more explicit. Troma movies have more blood and gore. This is actually tame, visual wise.

MORALS: Don’t be such a fucking dumbass. If you’re in the middle of the woods asking someone for help, don’t turn your back to them. Don’t drink whatever drink they give you. And if you have a chance to escape, TAKE IT, even if it means leaving your friend to die. At least you can try to get help.

GOOD STUFF: Such a feeling of hopeless despair. Such human suffering. THIS… IS… DISTURBING. They succeeded in disturbing me. This is as disturbing as the Saw movies, but with far less gore.

BAD STUFF? PLOT HOLES? STUPID PEOPLE? OF COURSE!: Like the girls never [highlight for spoilers] trying to use the phone. I don’t think these are actually plot holes. I think this is deliberate: These girls are FUCKING IDIOTS. They think cell phones work everywhere; they can’t navigate worth shit; they get lost; they wander into the woods with no sense of direction or purpose; they don’t take obvious ways out. That’s kind of the point–that crazy people aren’t necessarily perfectly methodical in their craziness. It takes a real fucking idiot to fall into the fate of the people in this movie. In a sense, they almost deserve what happens to them for being so fucking stupid. Even the [highlight for spoilers] cops willingly drink from a glass of water provided to them by a suspected mass murderer. I actually think the movie shows how having no street smarts can get yourself killed. I don’t consider their idiocy to be a flaw in the movie, I consider it to be a flaw reflective of the idiocy of certain aspects of humanity.

Of course, not every horror movie needs to have stupid people. If the criminal is a mastermind [and not just a crazy surgeon], he can ensnare smart people. Jigsaw from Saw ensnared plenty of intelligent people — albiet they all suffered from their own personal hubris.

Also, you don’t make a movie about the smart people who figured out how to escape. That’s kind of boring. A doctor tries to do something, but the people are smart, they escape, and it never happens. What kind of movie would that be? What would you call it? The Human Centipede That Almost Was But Then Wasn’t? No! You make a movie about STUPID FUCKING PEOPLE who get in ridiculous situations. You don’t make a movie about normal people who are too smart to fall for this shit. Hell, one of the staples of horror movies in general is that the people are so fucking stupid as to put themselves into these situations in the first place. It’s like what Eddie Murphy said about Amityville (or some horror): When the house says, “Get out!”, it’s time to say, “Too bad we can’t stay!” and get the fuck out. But if you made this happen in a horror movie, it would be over before it started. Of COURSE characters need to be idiotic for these premises to work. To treat a fundamental component necessary for a movie to happen as a flaw is a bit of a heavy-handed judgment to me.

BAD STUFF? NAHHH: People who watch this: They have lots of hate for it. I can’t believe the sheer idiocy of all the people who hate on this movie for being too gross or disturbing. 2 Girls 1 Cup is 100X sicker than this — IT’S A FICTIONAL HORROR MOVIE. IT’S SUPPOSED TO MAKE YOU FEEL HORRIFIED. Hating a horror movie for making you feel horrified is like hating a comedy movie for making you laugh too much, or hating a certain type of candy for tasting too good. To like horror movies but not like being horrified seems like an incredible oxymoron. The fact that so many people had to walk out, turn this off, or later decry it as the worst movie they’ve ever seen PROVES ITS MASTERFUL SUCCESS.

At least in Saw, you had a chance of living if you played the game right. And your actions were of your own free will (play or die). At least in Hostel, your torture ended after a few hours. This is quite possibly a fate worse than any fate dealt to anyone in any horror movie I’ve ever seen. That makes it an automatic masterpiece of horror. Of course, some people say it’s a dark comedy. Aren’t all horrors dark comedies, if you consider the fact that they are fictional?

CONCLUSION: FUCKING AWESOME. And original. And bold, going to new frontiers no horror film has dared explore. Though you could just say this is Croenenberg-ism taken to the max.

RATINGS:
Clint: Netflix: 5/5 stars. IMDB: 9/10.
Carolyn: Netflix: 5/5 stars. IMDB: 9/10.
John The Canadien: Netflix: 5/5 stars. IMDB: 10/10.

The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 5.1/10 (really? hilarious), Netflix: 3.3/5 stars (Netflix‘s predicted rating for us was 4.0/5 stars).

RECOMMENDATION: DON’T BE SUCH A FUCKING PUSSY. If you don’t watch this, you’re not a true fan of being horrified. But to be fair, this is a movie for people with creative senses of imagination, who hold nothing sacred (i.e. non-pussies).

SIMILAR MOVIES: Saw, Hostel. People try to compare this to 2 Girls 1 Cup, but 2 Girls 1 Cup is wayyyyy grosser than this. They actually show it, it has vomit AND poop/stuff actually coming out of an actual ass. The Human Centipede is nothing compared to 2 Girls 1 Cup. The Human Centipede is nothing compared to German shit-porn.

MOVIE QUOTE: Dr.Heiter: I’ll explain this spectacular operation only once. We start with cutting the ligamentum patella, the ligaments of the kneecaps, so knee extension is no longer possible. Pulling from “B” and “C” the central incisors, lateral incisors and canines from the upper and lower jaws, the lips from “B” and “C,” and the anus of “A” and “B,” are cut circular along the border between skin and mucosa, the mucus cutaneous zone. Two pedicelated grafts are prepared and lifted from the underlying tissue. The shaped incisions below the chins of “B” and “C” up to their cheeks connecting the circular mucosa and skin parts of anus and mouth, from “A” to “B,” and “B” to “C,” connecting the pedicelated grafts to the chin-cheek incisions from “A” to “B,” and “B” to “C,” creating a Siamese triplet, connected via the gastric system. Ingestion by A, passing through B, to the excretion of C. The human centipede, first sequence.

COINCIDENCES: (The Human Centipede, Delocated S2E06) 2 videos in a row with surgery & someone waking up on a gurney in a cellar after surgery while strapped into the gurney.

FRIENDS’ RATINGS: John The Canadien’s review. Dildo Valerie loved it. Anna Dinamight didn’t like it(?). A lot of other people I know saw it and agreed it was disturbing.

Outlaw Vern’s review (“It’s only incredibly god damn disgusting in what it makes you think about, not what it shows.”) This is the best review of the movie available.

Here’s another review whining that it’s gross.

Here’s another review. (more…)

 movie coverI'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Netflix link]

PEOPLE: Directed by David Slade (30 Days Of Night 1, Twilight 3: Eclipse). Written by Brian Nelson (30 Days Of Night 1). 99% of screentime goes to the main 2 stars: Ellen Page (Inception, Juno, Kitty Pryde/Shadowcat in the X-Men, 5 eps of Trailer Park Boys) and Patrick Wilson (The A-Team 2010, Nite Owl II in Watchmen). Also a tiny tiny bit part by Sandra Oh (Defendor, Blindness, Sidways, Grey’s Anatomy). (The Janelle chick was in a Smallville ep. Funny how bit players get around more than big players sometimes.)

Ellen Page did a great job playing a precocious 14-year-old ([highlight for spoilers] who might not really be 14). She was 17 years old during the time of filming. So you have a girl — who became a hot woman (now 23) — almost of the age of consent (or of age, depending on the jurisdiction), playing someone a pedophile is trying to hook up with. This was a good casting choice, because it helped keep things a bit more morally ambiguous. After all, in reality, sex between the 2 actors would not be illegal in many states. If they had chosen an actress who was obviously (and in reality) 12 years old, the question of “Could they really fuck in real life?” would not be a maybe, it would be a definite no. Stradding the border of legality helped keep things more interesting. Ellen Page tends to play precocious characters — like in Juno — and this was no exception.

PLOT SUMMARY: Precocious girl holds child molester hostage — and things only get worse.

UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): [highlight for spoilers] Child serial killer convinces pedophile/murderer to commit suicide.

QUIRKS:

Hardly any actors! Or sets!

Major hostage movie. Almost the entire movie is about being held hostage. I’m reminded of recent movies like The Human Centipede ([highlight for spoilers] what with being drugged, held hostage, and subjected to forced surgery), as well as movies I haven’t seen in awhile, like Phone Booth and Closet Land.

Major tension in this film. Very few breaks. Total cringe moments. Interesting twists. Vigilante justice.

She’s sick–deliberately sick.

Or is she?

VISUALS: I’m glad they didn’t exercise their chance to make things more gory. In fact, this movie is not visual at all. It’s pretty much completely cerebral. Dealing with the tension. Wondering what she has in store. The visuals? Not the centerpiece of the movie.

SOUNDTRACK: Only 9 minutes of music used. In other words: Not the centerpiece of the movie.

MORALS/POLITICS: The whole movie is an interesting moral quandary. Who’s the sicker one here? The pedophile, or the girl who traps the pedophile, and does the things she does in this movie? Then there’s the fact that the whole “age of consent should be 18 (or 16)” thing was foisted upon society by the feminist movement. Prior to that, someone in their 30s having sex with a 14 year old was not considered a big deal. It still isn’t in a lot of the world. It’s probably why Catholic priests rape so much — the age of consent in The Vatican is 12. But anyway, you don’t typically see a lot of older women prosecuted for the statutory rape of underage boys. Sure, it happens. But not at the same rate. And the punishments aren’t meted out the same. There’s no actual equality. The laws are enforced against males more than females because females are perceived to be weaker. Feminism’s equality doesn’t even happen when feminism gets to rewrite laws. And that’s a big fat fail. Personally, I’d rather there be some sort of emotional maturity quotient. There’s no such thing as “the day before your birthday, you’re not capable of deciding to have sex, then the day of your birthday you are”. Humans don’t evolve overnight. There’s no actual, precise line that can be drawn. And yet, there are clearly situations that are wrong, like the one depicted in this movie. And this movie hinges on a lot of those issues. We have a 17-year-old playing a 14-year-old [highlight for spoilers] who may not even be 14 who is quite obviously emotionally mature enough to handle many adult situations — like all the [highlight for spoilers] crazy, fucked up shit she puts the guy through. Oh, he deserved it. But not for what he did to her. He deserved it for what he did to the girls before her.

There are, of course, a bunch of guys who complain that this movie is “anti-male”. Sigh. I suppose Harry Potter is anti-male too, because Voldemort is a guy. People, please! A bad character in a movie is not a statement that all people in his demographic are also bad!

GOOD STUFF: This movie essentially has 2 bad guys, and no good guys. (Or does it?) That is a very interesting set up.

BAD STUFF: People don’t like intense movies. People don’t like hostage situations. People don’t like movies that aren’t uplifting. This movie is very much about darkness, the dark things that people do, and the darkness in peoples’ hearts.

And no, 14-year-olds don’t talk like that. But neither do the people in Juno talk like that. Movies often contain interesting dialog that is more interesting than how people talk in real life. That’s a good thing. If I wanted real life, I’d have one.

CONCLUSION: A great hostage movie made even better by the moral ambiguity of just who is the good guy and who is the bad guy. Or are there no good guys? Or are there no bad guys? Ellen Page is better in this than in Juno. With hints of The Human Centipede, Phone Booth, Closet Land, this was a great exploration of pedophile victims’ revenge. If only the male character could have been the Pope.

RATINGS:
Clint: Netflix: 4/5 stars. IMDB: 8/10.
Carolyn: Netflix: 4/5 stars. IMDB: 9/10.
The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 7.2/10, Netflix: 3.4/5 stars (Netflix‘s predicted rating for us was 4.0/5 stars).

RECOMMENDATION: Definitely worth checking out!

SIMILAR MOVIES: Already mentioned above.

MOVIE QUOTE:

Jeff Kohlver: Who the hell are you?
Hayley Stark: I am every little girl you ever watched, touched, hurt, screwed, killed.

FRIENDS’ RATINGS: A few people (Suds Pshaw, Rachel Weird) said this was definitely a “wow” movie to watch… And I agree.

(more…)

 movie coverI'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Netflix link]

PEOPLE: Nobody we really recognized… This is produced by Michael Bay. But no explosions, haha.

Wes Craven didn’t even direct this! He wasn’t even approached! Seriously, wtf? I guess it sort of makes sense, however, as a director remaking his own film would be a bit like a musician covering his own song. Craven has spoken out against this film. But not Robert Englund

Robert Englund wouldn’t reprise his role as Freddy, because he felt he was too old. So we get Jackie Earle Haley (Rorschach from Watchmen, Breaking Away, Damnation Alley) instead. His makeup is different; more “realistic burn victim” than “male witch”. No more big nose. Those of us used to Freddy looking a certain way are going to be a bit annoyed by that.

Nancy is back, but with a different last name, and now played by age-appropriate actor Rooney Mara (The Social Network). Her mom is played by Connie Britton (6 eps of 24, Spin City, Friday Night Lights), who I just kept thinking was hotter than her daughter most of the movie.

And we have Clancy Brown (Brother Justin from Carnivale, Lex Luther from various Superman cartoons) as one of the fathers. Notable because Clancy Brown rules and should get more parts.

UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): [highlight for spoilers] Vigilanties fail to save their raped children.

QUIRKS: A remake of the original 1984 A Nightmare On Elm Street.

VISUALS: More modern special effects make the things, on average, look better. But of course, Freddy looks different now — a bit more realistic; and that is a bit upsetting if you want it to be identical to the original.

MORALS: Vigilantism might not be the best way to solve your problems.

GOOD STUFF: The suspense, fear, and creepiness of the originals still seems to be intact, albeit with a more modern feel. They kept things very true to the original; this isn’t anything like the butchering of Friday The 13th that we saw in the Friday The 13th reboot remake.

CONCLUSION: As far as remakes go, this was actually more true to the original then I expected. This did not make the same mistakes the Friday The 13th remake made. That’s good.

RATINGS:
Clint: Netflix: 4/5 stars. IMDB: 7/10. More or less the same as I rated the original.
Carolyn: Netflix: 4/5 stars. IMDB: 8/10.

The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 5.2/10 (haters hatin’!), Netflix: 3.5/5 stars (Netflix‘s predicted rating for us was 3.6/5 stars–nice that this causes it to be rounded up to 4, which is what we rated it).

RECOMMENDATION: Don’t be scared away from this just because it’s a remake.

SIMILAR MOVIES: A sequel is already in the works.

MOVIE QUOTE: Freddy Krueger: “Did you know that after the heart stops beating the brain can function for well over seven minutes? We got six more minutes to play.”

(more…)

 movie coverI'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Netflix link]

PEOPLE: From Alexander Aja, director of Mirrors (yay!!), High Tension (yay!), and The Hills Have Eyes. The writers I’d never heard of, but they wrote 2 eps of Avatar:The Last Airbender, which is kinda funny.

With Elizabeth Shue, as the person hiring a babysitter instead of being the babysitter. I see what you did there! A nod to her role in Adventures In Babysitting.

Also with Christopher Lloyd (Back To The Future), Richard Dreyfuss, Eli Roth, Jerry O’Connell (from Sliders, Scream 2, Stand By Me, Can’t Hardly Wait, and who also voiced Nightwing in The Batman cartoon) as a pornographer. Also with a porn star, a girl who was in 4 Smallville eps, and Jessica Szohr from Gossip Girl as the cute kinda-ethnic-looking love interest who gets sucked into the pornographer’s world.

PLOT SUMMARY: Piranha fish that kill people. It had to happen.

UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): [highlight for spoilers] Earthquake leads to marine life complications; partiers who fail to obey cops mauled.

QUIRKS: Ridiculous remake of an already-ridiculous horror.

VISUALS: 3-D, but we watched it in 2-D. Even in 2-D, it was obvious that a lot of the 3-D shots were gimmicky shots pandering to the technology. And those aren’t as enjoyable in 2-D… This was shot in 2-D with 3-D in mind, and converted to 3-D in post. Some people say that means it’s automatically horrible, but Nightmare Before Christmas was converted to 3-D in the same way, and it kicked ass.

MORALS: Spring break decadence will KILL YOU DEAD. (Haha.)

GOOD STUFF: Entertaining, but so utterly ridiculous.

BAD STUFF: Full of flaws. Script stupidity of the highest order, bad greenscreening, horridly obvious cgi, cgi used where they should have used practical effects, and thus the special effects were below average even though they were technically up to date. Unrealistic horror movie cliches, gratuitous sexy scenes, over-acting (Christopher Lloyd, but isn’t that his shtick?), bad acting. This movie had ‘em all.

CONCLUSION: It’s not really that great. Full of flaws and script stupidity. Better to see it in 3-D if you’re really going to bother. It’s enjoyable, and we still liked it for virtue of being a passable movie… But it’s certainly nothing special or memorable.

RATINGS:
Clint: Netflix: 3/5 stars. IMDB: 6/10.
Carolyn: Netflix: 3/5 stars. IMDB: 6/10.

The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 6.2/10, Netflix: 3.5/5 stars (Netflix‘s predicted rating for us was 3.6/5 stars–A bit in the wrong direction, Netflix.).

Our ratings seem to be pretty inline with the public’s ratings, this time. If not slightly lower.

RECOMMENDATION: Neutral, unless you can see it in 3-D, then: Go for it!

SIMILAR MOVIES: There’s already a sequel in the works…

MOVIE QUOTE: “Chew on this motherfuckers!”

FRIENDS’ OPINIONS: Reverend Pockets: “I saw it in 3D in the theater. I stand by my word. Best Film of ALL time.”

(more…)

 movie coverI'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Netflix link]

PEOPLE: Written & Directed by Adam Green (Frozen).

Has cameos by Robert Englund (Freddy Krueger of Nightmare On Elm Street) [in the beginning sequence], Kane Hodder (Jason) [as Mr. Crowley], and Tony Todd (Candyman) [as Rev. Zombie].

Starring Joel Moore (Norm Spellman from Avatar, J.P. from Grandma’s Boy, Owen from Dodgeball:A True Underdog Story) played a kind of annoying, dorky, buzzkill character, and co-starring Tamara Feldman as Mary Beth. She is replaced by Danielle Harris [Super Capers, Halloween 4-5] in the sequel.

Parry Shen plays the tour guide. The pornographer guy, Joel Murray, was in One Crazy Summer. The token black guy was Deon Richmond (Scream 3, Not Another Teen Movie, Van Wilder 1, The Cosby Show). The older couple on the tour were played by Richard Riehle (who looks like the “This is what I do. I sit on you” guy from Tim And Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!, and will be in Harold & Kumar 3, and was in Palindromes, Mysterious Skin, Office Space, Fear & Loathing In Las Vegas, Lethal Weapon 4, Fried Green Tomatoes) and Patrika Darbo (Days Of Our Lives, Speed 2, Gremlins 2).

Joleigh Fioravanti (who was in 1 ep of Nip/Tuck), plays a soft-core porn-star brunette, with her DUMBEST-BLONDE-EVER “partner” played Misty by Mercedes McNab (Harmony Kendall from Buffy/Angel, Hatchet 2, young Susan Storm from The Fantastic Four movie). Somehow both these actresses return as the same character in Hatchet 2, [highlight for spoilers] even though I thought everyone died in this movie.

The monster is played by Rileah Vanderbilt (Frozen). Pretty awesome to have a monster played by a woman, even if it’s only for budget reasons.

UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): [highlight for spoilers] Fraudulent tour guide kills customers.

QUIRKS: Horror-comedy.

VISUALS: New Orleans-centric visuals: Bourbon Street and Swamps. The monster itself is not that impressive looking. It’s barely a cut above what you’d put in a Troma movie.

Joel Moore’s vomit was real.

SOUNDTRACK: Marilyn Manson!

GOOD STUFF: I wasn’t expecting any comedy, so the fact that this had some laughs in it turned out to be a pleasant surprise.

BAD STUFF: The horror doesn’t kick in for a long time… And when it does, it’s not that scary. So they saved the movie by making it funny — but some of the funny parts could have been funnier too.

CONCLUSION: A kind of generic mediocre horror movie, saved by dosing it with a decent amount of comedy.

RATINGS:

Clint: Netflix: 3/5 stars. IMDB: 6.4/10 (a high 6).

Carolyn: Netflix: 3/5 stars. IMDB: 6/10. “It wasn’t terrible, but it was kind of stilted, in my opinion.. that guy was uber-lame in the beginning…but there were definitely funny parts… The horror part wasn’t as “horror-y” (horrible? hehe) as it could have been. But I don’t think it was trying to be… “

The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 5.8/10 (the sequel gets 6.2), Netflix: 2.9/5 stars (the sequel gets 3.7/5 stars) (Netflix‘s predicted rating for us was 3.2/5 stars).

RECOMMENDATION: Neutral. Only reason to watch this, really, is to affirm the fact that Adam Green’s other movies aren’t as good as his magnum opus, the movie Frozen. If you do watch it, don’t expect to take it seriously.

SIMILAR MOVIES: Hatchet 2 – supposedly more serious and less of a comedy. And it has the “Amy” girl who was in The Walking Dead season 1 [her sister watched her die in ep #4 or #5].

MOVIE QUOTE:

[after Jenna and Misty's make-out session in front of the guys]
Jenna: Eww! Brush your teeth much?
Misty: Lick me, bitch.
Jenna: No thanks. I like my tongue without the syphilis.
Misty: You’re syhpilis, Ms. Big Words!
Jenna: …Okay, that didn’t even make sense.
Misty: Lick me. (more…)

 movie coverI'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Netflix link]

UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): Republicans accidentally make strippers strip better, then[highlight for spoilers] shoot them.

PEOPLE: Starring Robert Englund (Freddy from Nightmare On Elm Street, Willie from the original V series, Jack Brooks:Monster Slayer, The Adventures Of Ford Fairlane) is the only good actor in the entire movie. He’s not exactly an Oscar winner, but he’s still awesome nonetheless. Also with Jenna Jameson (the porn star), Roxy Saint (some singer) as Lilith the goth chick, Penny Drake as the redhead, Whitney Anderson, Shamron Moore, Jeannette Sousa (Urban Legends:Final Cut), and Carmit Levite as the ridiculous Blavatski woman.

QUIRKS: Zombies. Strippers. Badfilm. And that’s about it.

VISUALS: Zombies. Strippers. Tits. Blood.

WILHELM SCREAM: Yup! When she threw a patron against the wall…

MORALS: Nope, not here.

SOUNDTRACK: Pointless.

POLITICS: Anti-Republican statements are thrown in, yet politics have almost nothing to do with anything in the movie. It’s like they just wanted to get on the anti-Republican bandwagon too. The opening 2 minutes was the best part, in this respect.

GOOD STUFF: Zombies. Strippers. Tits. Blood.

BAD STUFF: Wow… Bad writing, bad acting, bad editing, bad special effects, bad cgi, looks like video cameras. Yet… Zombies! And… Strippers!

It got a bit better once you got through the first half, but it really just seemed like an excuse to see strippers acting like zombies. Of course, that’s what the title implies…

It was almost like a Troma movie. If I’d known that going in, I might have been able to deal with it more easily.

The racist comedy isn’t even funny racist comedy. Call a guy Paco, make him have a ridiculous mustache, make him the janator, and then have him say, “Badgers? We don’t need no stinkin’ badgers.” It seems like it was written by a high schooler. A lot of racist comedy is funny — because I am a firm believer that NOTHING is sacred, not even Jesus’s penis rubbing up on the World Trade Centers’ ashes. This time, it wasn’t. Jokes aren’t automatically funny, and a lot of the humor in this movie was just NOT funny.

CONCLUSION: A terrible movie — even when compared to Troma movies. This is trying to be so bad it’s good, and failing by just being flat out bad. Yet, we have zombies and strippers, which was enough for us to want to finish watching it, even though watching it was painful a majority of the time.

RATINGS:
Clint: Netflix: 2.6/5 stars. IMDB: 4/10.
Carolyn: Netflix: 2.6/5 stars. IMDB: 4/10.

Wow. This is about the closest we’ve ever rated a movie to it’s IMDB AND Netflix ratings. 4 vs 4.4, 2.6 vs 2.6!:
The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 4.4/10 (for once, we agree, and rate lower than IMDB), Netflix: 2.6/5 stars (Netflix‘s predicted rating for us was 3.9/5 stars, and was way wrong).

RECOMMENDATION: If you like strippers and zombies, you might want to plow through this just to look at strippers and zombies. Don’t expect a good movie, though. This is badfilm. Don’t even expect a Troma-quality movie.

Also: ONLY WATCH THIS IN BLU-RAY QUALITY. There’s no way the titillation is worth it in standard def.

SIMILAR MOVIES: Lesbian Vampire Killers — though we haven’t watched that yet.

MOVIE QUOTE:

Cole: Hey, you think this is a good idea? I mean, wasn’t that bitch dead a minute ago?
Ian: Fuck it. What’s the worse that can happen?

Paco: It’s Paco time.

(opening dialog) Announcer: George W Bush has won his fourth consecutive term as president, taking Florida, which due to a glitch in the Jeb B voting terminals, tallied one single vote for President Bush and Vice President Schwarzenegger. Bush’s presidency was unanimously declared legally binding by the Supreme Court as well as “totally cool” by Supreme Justice Jenna Bush who subsequently set in motion another Supreme Kegger. Following the landslide victory, a constitutional amendment banning public nudity was implemented. Shortly thereafter, President Bush dissolved Congress, claiming it was “cramping his style.” American Troops continue to be strung thin due to the still raging wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria, Iran, Lebanon, Libya, Pakistan, Venezuela, France, Canada, and Alaska.

^ If only the rest of the movie could have been this good. Or even about this at all.
(more…)

 movie coverI'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Netflix link]

UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): Halliburton makes more money than ever.

PEOPLE: Written by the same writer as The Amityville Horror (2005), The Machinist (2004), and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003). Scott Kosar mostly rewrites old horror movies, huh? Also written by the writer of the movie Pulse. Starring Timothy Olyphant (the drug dealer in Go, Scream 2, Gone In 60 Seconds, the backstabbing producer in The Girl Next Door), Radha Mitchell (Surrogates, Silent Hill, Phone Booth, Pitch Black), Joe Anderson, Danielle Panabaker (Friday The 13th 2009), Christie Lynn Smith.

QUIRKS: Remake of George Romero’s 1973 horror film of the same title. Good action. A couple fairly disturbing scenes. Not your typical “zombies”: They don’t spread their infection. It’s the water that infects you.

I gotta say, the scene where the couple are holding hands [highlight for spoilers] in front of the nuclear explosion just kinda struck me as super romantic and kind of sweet. Is that weird?

MORALS: If people start going crazy, don’t drink the water.

POLITICS: The government is NOT your friend in a crisis situation. They are the ones most likely to kill you! Just look at Hurricane Katrina for another example.

BAD STUFF: The town became a ghost town WAY too soon. I mean, here we are focused on a bunch of characters who randomly didn’t get sick — yet they hardly show anyone else who shared the same fate. Statistically, there would have to be more than just those 3 or so characters! However, it could be that the government had already infiltrated when this happened. Still, they should have made that transition more gradual.

The movie is in general uninspired — it’s pretty exclusively things we’ve seen before. Now that’s to be expected with a zombie / government containment movie, but still. People have plenty of complaints, and they’re valid. But others liked this one better than the original, and I’m betting I would too.

Still — jump scares and deus ex machinas. Watch out for ‘em.

CONCLUSION: The same ol’ zombie / government containment plot. Pretty well executed.

RATINGS:
Clint: Netflix: 4/5 stars. IMDB: 7.2/10. (That is, tempted to give it an 8/10.)
Carolyn: Netflix: 4/5 stars. IMDB: 7/10.
The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 6.9/10, Netflix: 3.8/5 stars (Netflix‘s predicted rating for us was 3.7/5 stars–interesting that it was slightly lower).

RECOMMENDATION: If you need more zombie flicks, here’s one.

SIMILAR MOVIES: Most zombie flicks, except the infection doesn’t really grow here. Everyone simply gets infected at the same time.

MOVIE QUOTE: David Dutton: Don’t ask me why I can’t leave without my wife and I won’t ask you why you can. (more…)

 movie coverI'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Netflix link] More zombie movies! Gotta watch ‘em all!

PLOT SUMMARY: A zombie apocalypse as seen through the lives of a talk show radio host and his co-workers.

UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): [highlight for spoilers] Radio show host causes zombie to attack his wife and child.

PEOPLE: Directed by… Corbin Bernsen (L.A. Law)?!??!
The main radio show host character is played by Bill Moseley (Ligui Largo from Repo! The Genetic Opera, Otis from House Of 1000 Corpses / The Devil’s Rejects / The Haunted World Of El Superbeasto, Grindhouse, Army Of Darkness, and 8 episodes of Carnivale). Dan Lauria (the dad from the Wonder Years) was in it briefly, but I don’t even remember seeing him, so it must have been a tiny part.

Few may recognize his producer/ex- Lucy, played by Patricia Tallman (Babylon 5), as one of the possessed witches in Army Of Darkness. But she was.

QUIRKS: This movie’s plot is based on 3 main aspects. 1) A talk radio show, showing what happens when a radio station is the only “surviving” radio station during a zombie attack. 2) A zombie attack, and a mother’s fight for survival. 3) A terrorist attack, and the ultimate fate of those who carried out the attack.

VISUALS: Not a lot. This is a “mostly talk” movie.

POLITICS: This movie is very political RE: terrorism, Muslims, Muslim hate/racism, and the American military-industrial complex. It had more to say on the topic of hate and paranoia than most movies did. The fictitious radio show from this movie would probably be a very controversial and interesting radio show.

BAD STUFF: Not a lot of zombies or zombie violence compared to other zombie movies. This is about talk radio and as such, there is a lot of… (you guessed it)… talk.

CONCLUSION: A different take on the traditional zombie movie. Interesting. It definitely had its moments, and attempted to deliver a good message. But the implementation wasn’t as spectacular as it could have been. There were no “holy shit” moments; nothing to really stand out and grab you.

RATINGS:
Clint: Netflix: 3/5 stars. IMDB: 7/10.
Carolyn: Netflix: 3/5 stars. IMDB: 7/10.
The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 5.0/10, Netflix: 2.7/5 stars (Netflix‘s predicted rating for us was 3.0/5 stars).

RECOMMENDATION: Zombie completists and talk radio lovers should check this out.

SIMILAR MOVIES: Pontypool.
(more…)

 movie coverI'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Netflix link] [ABC interview with Gregg Araki about this movie] I don’t normally do dramas, but Gregg Araki has yet to ever make a film I didn’t like. I was wondering, for a bit, if he was a “fun Todd Solondz“, but I think the answer is definitely no — this movie was anything but fun. (Smiley Face was fun, this was not.) This was, however, extremely engaging.

UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): [highlight for spoilers] Child molester causes budding friendship between teenage male prostitute and asexual nerd.

PEOPLE: Directed by Gregg Araki (Smiley Face, Totally Fucked Up, The Doom Generation, the movie Nowhere, G.I. Joe:Rise Of The Cobra), who’s never made a film I didn’t like. Based on a book by Scott Heim.

Starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt (Tommy from 3rd Rock From The Sun), Brady Corbet (one of the creeps from Funny Games U.S., Derek Huxley from 24 season 5, Thirteen), and Michelle Trachtenberg (17 Again, Buffy The Vampire Slayer [the series]). With Mary Lynn Rajskub (Chloe from 24 & Veronica’s Closet, Human Giant, The Larry Sanders Show, Mr. Show, Storytelling, Dude,Where’s My Car?), Elisabeth Shue (Adventures In Babysitting, Back To The Future 2-3, The Karate Kid, Hollow Man), and Chris Mulkey (Twin Peaks, Cloverfield, the movie Wasted, Dreamscape).

QUIRKS: Child molestation, child prostitution, alien abductions, blocked out memories.

Two stories that seem to have nothing to do with each other eventually do: Child molestation brings people together.

This is very painful and awkward movie to watch at times. Seeing a child molester go through the steps he goes through to successfully molest a child is more than bit disturbing. Plus, they make the child gay, so he kind of wants it (he had his first orgasm masturbating to his mom giving a guy a blowjob; he was focused on the guy). This makes the whole moral situation even more engaging, as the kid kind of wants it, but not really. Ugh. Could things BE any more awkward?

MORALS: Uhhh… Don’t rape children… And parents? If your kid starts passing out spontaneously and wetting his bed– Maybe, just maybe, something happened.

BAD STUFF: They never really resolved the Mary Lynn Raskjub plot quite to my satisfaction, but maybe I just wanted her to be more. I guess she was simply a red herring, to advance the nonsensical alien abduction plot.

CONCLUSION: Very, very profound… in many ways. Also one of the most disturbing movies I’ve ever watched, in many ways. This made Todd Solondz‘s “Happiness” look like a picnic in the park. Gregg Araki has yet to disappoint me, which is more than I can say for most of my favorite directors.

RATINGS:
Clint: Netflix: 4/5 stars. IMDB: 8/10.
Carolyn: Netflix: 4/5 stars. IMDB: 8/10.

The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 7.9/10, Netflix: 3.6/5 stars.

RECOMMENDATION: If you can handle being greatly disturbed, this is a great movie. I don’t push dramas too much, but I highly recommend this.

SIMILAR MOVIES: Happiness (Todd Solondz) definitely has its slight similarities to this movie, what with pedophilia and child molestation being a theme. But Happiness was a black comedy, and this movie is just… intense drama. The ABC interview with Gregg Araki about this movie also mentions the movie Happiness.

MOVIE QUOTE: [final quote, though not really a spoiler] “As we sat there listening to the carolers, I wanted to tell Brian that it was over now and that everything would be okay. But that was a lie, plus I couldn’t speak anyway. I wish there was some way to go back and undo the past. But there wasn’t. There was nothing we could do. So I just stayed silent and tried to telepathically communicate how sorry I was about what happened. And I thought of all the grief and suffering and fucked up stuff in the world, and it made me want to escape. I wished with all my heart we could just leave this world behind. Rise like two angels in the night and magically disappear.”

FRIENDS’ RATINGS: Ian loved it. Benj & Glen liked it.
(more…)

 movie coverI'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Netflix link]

PLOT SUMMARY: Hit men must hang out in the town of Bruges (Belgium), awaiting an assignment that one of them will dread carrying out.

UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): [highlight for spoilers] Whining child-murdering hitman fails to achieve spiritual bullshit.

PEOPLE: Colin Farrell (Bullseye in the DareDevil movie, Minority Report, Phone Booth, The Imaginarium Of Doctor Parnassus) as the whiny, no-fun hitman. Brendon Gleeson (Beowulf, Alastor ‘Mad-Eye’ Moody in the Harry Potter movies, The Village, Troy, A.I., Braveheart) as the more serious hitman. Ralph Fiennes (Voldemort from the Harry Potter Movies, Sunshine, Strange Days, Schindler’s List, The Hurt Locker) as the big boss. Clemence Poesy (Fleur Delacour from Harry Potter) as a random drug dealer/movie star/accessory to robbery. Also, you may have seen the dwarf before in Harold & Kumar, where he played a giant bag of weed (haha). He was also in Howard The Duck, American Pie:Beta House, and American Pie:The Naked Mile.

I’m kind of surprised how much overlap there is between people in this movie, and people in Harry Potter movies. It also has a brief scene with Ciaran Hinds, who will play Dumbledore in the final 2 Harry Potter movies.

QUIRKS: Hit men, Europe, drugs, midgets, spiritual redemption, slow-paced build-up.

VISUALS: Dreary European medieval buildings.

I liked the Hieronymous Bosch stuff they briefly showed; always been a big fan of his work.

BAD STUFF: The whole moral foundation for the movie is kind of flawed [see MORALS, below], and it’s just a bunch of spiritual redemption bullshit that never really resolves. The movie is, more or less, a waste of time. I don’t know WHAT the hell people see in this to make it an IMDB Top 250 movie; I don’t think this belongs in the Top 1500, let alone Top 250. For once, I’m actually jealous of the IMDB-forum posters who say they turned it off 10 minutes into it.

It wasn’t outright bad — It just held my attention, promising to deliver more, while failing to ever do so.

Very, very, very slow. Too slow. The last movie I saw that took place in such a dreary European setting, with such a slow pace, was Let The Right One In — which also disappoited me.

It definitely had its funny moments, but it felt like they could have done much more with it. It ended up coming off as kind of generically quirky for quirkiness’s sake or something. I’d rather watch Hot Fuzz (which also disappointed me by not being nearly as funny as I thought).

This movie failed as a comedy movie; it failed as a drug movie; it failed as an action movie. All that was left was spiritual bullshit / emo whining related to children (fuck children). It’s like they tried to sprinkle elements (action, comedy, drugs) onto a thin spiritual redemption plot in order to spice it up. And it did spice it up — but only enough to hold my interest, tricking me into thinking there would be a worthy conclusion or message to the movie.

Note to self: Start asking people WHY I should listen to their movie recommendations.

MORALS: So being a hitman is “okay”, and killing innocent people on accident is “okay” — but as soon as you kill a *child* by accident, suddenly even the criminals want to kill you? Because children have magical powers that make hitmen and criminals care? Yeah right. I happen to think killing an adult is worse than a child; more is invested in the adult. So for me, the whole moral foundation of this movie is completely flawed. “What if you kill a kid on accident?” is a stupid question to me–the real question should simply be “What if you kill a person on accident?” It should make no difference if it’s a kid or not. The fact that they had to use a child here just strikes me as emotional string-pulling.

So anyway — If you are someone who swoons and looses all logic when children are involved (like, I’m guessing, the writers of this movie, and most of the people on planet earth who are merely expressions of their child-loving, child-creating DNA-influenced existence), then you might be able buy into it. But only if you can also buy into all the spiritual bullshit too. Good luck with that. I’m guessing most people with kids have already lost sight of reality, and will automatically identify with the morals here. Just another reason to hate kids as far as I’m concerned: How about showing some morals where your DNA isn’t involved?

And of course there’s the whole idea of finding hitmen lovable and cuddly. Which I actually *can* buy into… But Pulp Fiction did it much better. Even How To Be A Serial Killer, while not that great of a movie, caused me to be more interested in its characters than In Bruges did.

In short: OVERRATED. Or as this guy says, it’s “The Emperor’s New Clothes Of Crappy Cinema”. I don’t really think it was “crappy”, but it wasn’t good either.

POLITICS: Not much, but some anti-American sentiment.

CONCLUSION: Bullshit spiritual redemption — and only because children were involved — spiced up with bits of comedy, action, and quirkiness. But not enough to get the taste of bullshit out of my mouth. Failed as a comedy, action, drug movie, leaving only spiritual bullshit. Had its moments, but not worth watching. Definitely not worth of IMDB Top 250.

RATINGS:
Clint: Netflix: 2/5 stars. IMDB: 5.4/10.
Carolyn: Netflix: 3/5 stars. IMDB: 7/10.

The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 8.1/10 (Top 250: #189), Netflix: 3.5/5 stars (Netflix‘s predicted rating for us was 3.6/5 stars–WRONG!). Way overrated.

RECOMMENDATION: If you’re spiritual and into loving children and thinking bad things happening to children are so much worse than adults, and can stand very slow paced movies, then you’ll probably enjoy this based on the high IMDB ratings. But if you’re an atheist child-hater who loves comedy movies and isn’t crazy about mob-style movies — stay away from this. Far, far away.

SIMILAR MOVIES: I’ve heard Pulp Fiction and Fargo, but those movies are actually good. Their quirks are fun to sit through. Their endings leave you satisfied. Not so with In Bruges.

I’ve also heard Lock, Stock, And Two Smoking Barrels, and Snatch. Those movies were mostly un-memorable generic-pass action movies to me. Decent to watch, but no real memory. In Bruges will definitely stick with my memory more, but I still liked it less than all of the above.

I also wasn’t exactly blown away by The Boondock Saints or No Country For Old Men, which are also mentioned alongside this movie at times.

IMDB also mentions Miller’s Crossing. I thought that movie was passable, with some incredible scenes — but it also disappointed me, as many Coen Brothers movies do.

So basically — this isn’t really my kind of movie.

MOVIE QUOTE:

Ken: Harry, let’s face it. And I’m not being funny. I mean no disrespect, but you’re a cunt. You’re a cunt now, and you’ve always been a cunt. And the only thing that’s going to change is that you’re going to be an even bigger cunt. Maybe have some more cunt kids.

Ken: You from the States?
Jimmy: Yeah. But don’t hold it against me.

FRIENDS’ RATINGS: I think Mom, Dad, and my sister loved it. Ian put it in his Top 100 movies of the 2010s. He said it was original and engaging, and I can’t really agree with either of those. :/ Wish I did… I also have another FB friend who said it was brilliant. Really, I don’t see what people see in it. (more…)

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