VIDEO: MOVIES: REVIEW: Death At A Funeral (2010)

[IMDB link] [Netflix link] [Original 2007 movie IMDB link] [Original 2007 movie Netflix link]

PLOT SUMMARY: Worst. Funeral. Ever.

UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): Illegal drugs lead to complications.

QUIRKS: A remake of Frank Oz‘s original movie. Yes, the original movie was made by Bert / Grover / Cookie Monster / Yoda / Fozzie Bear / Miss Piggy. But this guy can make movies, too. He made The Dark Crystal, Little Shop Of Horrors, The Stepford Wives. So he knows how to make a good movie. However, it was still remade 3 years later, as the original was a UK movie.

In fact, this remake is almost a scene-by-scene identical remake. In this case, that’s a good thing. I was scared they would butcher it.

PEOPLE: Directed by Neil LaBute, who did The Wicker Man remake. With Keith David (Goliath from Gargoyles, Gamer, Coraline), Loretta Devine (Muriel from The PJs cartoon, Cougar Club, Boston Legal), Peter Dinklage (who was in the original version, as there aren’t a lot of little people to cast in such roles, and was also in Nip/Tuck), Luke Wilson (Idiocracy, Blades Of Glory, My Super Ex-Girlfriend, Old School, The Royal Tenenbaums, Scream 2, Bongwater), Zoe Saldana (Avatar, Uhura from the Star Trek reboot, Pirates Of The Carribean), Regina Hall (Superhero Movie, Scary Movie 1-4, The Honeymooners Remake), Chris Rock, James Marsden (Cyclops from the X-Men movies, Zoolander, Sex Drive, Superman Returns), Ron Glass (the priest from Firefly/Serenity), Martin Lawrence, Columbus Short (Quarantine), Tracy Morgan (Superhero Movie, Half Baked), Regine Nehy as the just-turned-18 hottie, Kevin Hart (Superhero Movie, Epic Movie, Scary Movie 4, The 40 Year Old Virgin), and Danny Glover (2012, Blindness, Be Kind Rewind, Saw 1, The Royal Tenenbaums, Lethal Weapon 1-4).

VISUALS: Not much going on, but one scene is really gross looking.

MORALS: If you fill a pill bottle up with pills that aren’t what’s on the label, maybe you should remove the label.

GOOD STUFF: Incredibly awkwardness; drug-related hilarity; funeral-related hilarity; gay-related hilarity. This version is a bit more relateable to Americans the the British version.

BAD STUFF: A *lot* of people are turned off that they simply “copied” an existing movie. The thing is, nobody saw the original (‘cept us). This gave a chance for a great story to be told to an American audience. A lot of people have problems with the cast being replaced by black people. Initially, I thought this might detract from the movie, as a lot of the funny British situations are due to their dry culture. But the British version was FAR from dry, it was a crazy story. It worked really well with black Americans as opposed to white Brits. In the end, it didn’t really matter that they changed everyone to black. Big fucking deal.

A lot of people hail this as being unfunny, unlike the original. BUT THEY ARE THE SAME FUCKING MOVIE. Scene by scene, character by character. This is one of the most faithful remakes I’ve ever seen. I can’t fathom how someone would love the original and hate the remake. It’s just a form of elitist snobbery.

CONCLUSION: Loving the original and hating this remake constitutes a stupid opinion — they are, scene by scene, character by character, the exact same movie. The difference are slight — this is one of the most faithful remakes I’ve ever seen in my life. There’s simply no reason to not have a consistent opinion between the two. I thought I wouldn’t like this nearly as much as the original, but as it turns out, I liked this MORE than the original. I am pretty consistent in enjoying anything Americanized more than the original. I thought this would be an exception, but nope. I liked this better than the original, which we watched in 2008. We almost didn’t watch this; I’m glad we did.

RATINGS:
Clint: Netflix: 4.4/5 stars. IMDB: 8/10.
Carolyn: Netflix: 4/5 stars. IMDB: 7/10.

We weren’t as good at rating movies back when we watched the original. When I went back to Netflix, I saw it was rated 3/5 stars. I was kind of surprised we rated the original that low.

The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 5.0/10, Netflix: 3.3/5 stars (Netflix‘s predicted rating for us was 3.7/5 stars). Very low. But then you have to take into account that 20% of people voted 1/10. These are remake haters who voted 1/10 without watching the movie. IT’S PRACTICALLY THE EXACT SAME FILM. If you throw their votes out, you get a rating closer to the original.

The native public rating for the original: IMDB: 7.3/10, Netflix: 3.7/5 stars (Netflix‘s predicted rating for us was 3.4/5 stars).

So Netflix did accurately predict that we’d like the remake better than the original. Which is funny, because I thought for sure, replacing all the British people with black people would make it less funny. Try not to interpret that as racist, please — we all have our preferences.

RECOMMENDATION: Check it out! Check the original out too! They are 2 sides of the same coin.

MOVIE QUOTE: Ryan: Look at Martina, man the girl’s all grown up.
Aaron: You mean little Martina? She’s like in the 12th grade.
Ryan: Well she may be in 12th grade, but that ass is in grad school.

 

JOURNAL: YARD SALES: 2013 Expedition #1: Let’s go yardsaling with a handlebar mustache and fake blood on my neck!

SUMMARY:

Got up around 7:45AM, made it out driving by 8:25AM and went out until 1:28PM for a total of 5h3m (3h16m spent driving, 1h47m at sales).

Spent $97.75 plus ~$14.58 gas for 54.3 miles of driving (12.7 mpg @ $3.41/G), for a total cost of $112.33.

We drove to 52 yard sales, stopping at 26 (50%) of them. We made 27 purchases (51 items) for a total estimated value of $770.52, leading to a profit/savings of $658.19.

So in essence, we multiplied our initial investment by 6.86X.

(Also, if you think about it, the profit counts for even more when you consider that we have to earn $770 on the job, pre-tax, in order to take home the $658 in cash that we saved. How long does $770 of disposable income take to earn, vs the 5 hrs we spent here?)

Anyway, this works out to a *post-tax* “wage” of $130.33/hr as a couple or $65.17/hr per person.

COMMENTARY/ANECDOTES:

[Yes, writing in the 3rd person, because Carolyn & I co-authored this.]

Clint had shaved his facial hair into a handlebar mustache the day before… He had also added some fake blood coming from his ear all the way down his neck. This is something he does while drinking with friends. But then he decided to go yardsaleing like that. Also: Clint was wearing a Celtic Frost shirt with a prominent pentagram on it.

The best part was when we went to a church bazaar. Walking inside of a church, interacting with youth volunteers, all while visibly “bleeding” and wearing a pentagram and handlebar mustache. Fun times.

Despite going go 26 yard sales, only two people total commented on the fake blood. Both were female. The one asked questions about who Celtic Frost was, and what kind of music they were. When we were walking away, she said, “Have a Celtic day!”

Also, a few people commented on Carolyn’s glow-in-the-dark Misfits shirt.

This whole expedition was amazing in that it was amazing that we even got out of bed… Friends came over at like 7:30PM, we were drinking by 11:30PM, and up until 4:15AM or so! Somehow Clint roused out of bed at 7:45AM WITHOUT EVEN FEELING TIRED.

When we got the bowling balls, and the car ramps, we arranged them in the trunk in such a way that the bowling balls kept rolling around inside the ramps. It was funny how much noise they made. Every time the car accelerated or decelerated…. You had a 1-second bowling ball roll sound. One would think it was the sound of damage being done if one did not know what was causing it.

We had to use Carolyn’s phone to navigate at one point because we’re dorks and didn’t think about how you could cross over Rolling Road and go straight. Derp.

There was a really nice-looking blue acoustic guitar for $50 that we didn’t buy. It was the nicest shade of blue I’ve ever seen on a guitar in person.

There were tons of Walking Dead graphic novels that we missed by 2 minutes.

There was a pair of the original Hulk Hands for $10. We could have completed our set, and we called Sean to see if he would be interested in the other one, but we all passed. They were being sold by a single-mom woman who was being kicked out of her rented house in 30 days, and she had all kinds of cool stuff (the swords, lizard costume gloves). Clint spent a long time talking to her, and she thought he was in his 20s. Nope… I’m 39, ma’am. (I didn’t actually call her ma’am.) She had all the Dragon Ball Z action figures that Clint bought to prank his DragonBall-Z-loving co-worker by hiding them all over his cube. (Only to receive an announcement 2 hours later that they were replacing our cubes with pathetic little kiosks.)

Clint saw the fur rug and asked for the price. When the man said $10, Clint consulted with Carolyn. She got out and looked at it, and they decided to go ahead and get it, so Clint paid for it. While Carolyn picked it up and started taking it to the car, the man yelled at Carolyn that she didn’t pay for it, and she pointed at Clint and said, “He paid.” Then the guy was like “Oh, I thought you meant that other rug…” He decided to go ahead and let us have it for $10. I wonder if Clint being bloody and handlebar-mustached had any effect on the negotiation of the situation.

click through for the booty…

 

AUDIO: MUSIC: REVIEW: Alice In Chains: Facelift: SONG RANKINGS

I was so annoyed that this album became popular RIGHT after I started listening to it. I actually had a copy before they ever had a video on MTV. Then they became super-mainstream.

Still, this is my favorite Alice In Chains album – and frankly, the only one I think is truly worth owning and KNOWING.

Without further adieu, here is a listing of the songs in the Alice In Chains album “Facelift”, in order from best to worst. Yes… This probably took me 40 minutes to evaluate and verify! Sweet love my labor…

THE LIST:

01_We Die Young [JtC's #2]
04_Bleed The Freak
06_Love, Hate, Love
02_Man In The Box
07_It Ain’t Like That [JtC's #3]
03_Sea Of Sorrow [Parthena's favorite]
12_Real Thing [they should've fleshed out the structure more]
05_I Can’t Remember [possibly the best bridge on the album, though]
09_Put You Down
11_I Know Somethin’ (Bout You)
10_Confusion
08_Sunshine [JtC's #1]

I will accept other submissions of other peoples’ rankings, but you MUST *actually* evaluate all the songs. That means comparing one song to the song next to it, bumping it up one, and doing it again and and again until everything is sorted. This is very similar to a bubble sort.

Here is the full album on youtube:

 

VIDEO: MOVIES: REVIEW: Eyeborgs (2009)

[IMDB link] [Netflix link] You are being watched!

PLOT SUMMARY: In the future, there are a LOT of cameras. Everywhere. Eventually, mobile cameras are introduced. But are these cameras killing people? Is there a conspiracy to kill the president?

UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): America fails at protecting democracy and liberty.

PEOPLE: Written and directed by Richard Clabaugh. Starring Adrian Paul (Duncan MacLeod in Highlander:Endgame/The Source and the TV series) as the agent, Megan Blake as the hot, older reporter, and Luke Eberl as the purple-haired musician who just so happens to be the president’s nephew. But of course nobody knows this, as journalists in this day & age would lose their journalism license if they were to ever report on such a fact. Terrorism is a big scare in this movie. Also with Danny Trejo, who’s in so many movies that he watches movies without realizing he’s in them, and then goes, “Hey! I’m in this!”.

QUIRKS: Terrorism politics. Technology. Paranoia. Action. These are a few of my favorite things…

VISUALS: Those robots are really creepy. This pretty much depicts how I DON’T want things to turn out.

SOUNDTRACK: Bad Religion’s 21st Century Digital Boy! Used somewhat appropriately, actually. Definitely appropros for the movie.

POLITICS/MORALS: Putting blind faith in technology is even more dangerous than putting blind faith in god. God stopped lying to us after the bible was written. Technology can invent new lies that harm us in new ways. Just because technology is awesome — and a positive force for humanity — doesn’t mean we can take it as a substitute for the real thing. Seeing something on camera is not the same as seeing it with your own two eyes.

Also, it is important that citizenry retain (and maintain) the right to record our public servants as they perform their duties. If we cannot record police, politicians, and congress, then we don’t really know what they are doing, do we?

Also, sites like WikiLeaks preserve freedom by allowing a place for critical leaks to be deployed to the public. While the movie didn’t directly cover this, it is an implication of the movie nonetheless.

And above all — beware electronic voting machines that have no clear way of verifying their results!

One more thing! This movie also shows how even the smallest details can be used against you in ways you don’t expect.

Oh wait! Another thing! Actual eyeborgs in real life may not be far off. Here’s a prototype already in development. Well, actually, it’s not really a prototype in development. But if it was in development, do you think they’d tell us? I’m writing this article in 8/2010, but it’s not going to post until 5/2013. I wonder how much farther this will have come by then. [Edit: Pretty far. They now actually have mosquito sized drones, which can of course carry miniature cameras! Amazing. In just 2.75 years, things have progressed even more than I thought after watching Eyeborgs.]

GOOD STUFF: Great political paranoia! And the ending? Oh my god. That’s probably the most realistic part of the movie right there. [highlight for spoilers]→ You won’t be happy, but it is well worth the wait.

BAD STUFF: The movie comes off as a cerebral, paranoia-inducing, techno-political conspiracy/suspense — but then it partially descends into an action flick with robot fights, guns, and a bomb. The profound political conspiracy would have come off better without the mindless action, and the action would have come off better without the slow conspiracy beginning. The two different aspects of this movie tended to detract from each other, rather than add to each other.

CONCLUSION: The techno-politics, surveillance paranoia, and implicit* political commentary of this movie is AMAZING. The ending is a GREAT TWIST, without really being too big of a stretch (at least, not when compared to the premise). This is like 1984 meets The Matrix (but without as much action). It was a slow build-up — not a lot of excitement per se — and then later half made the mistake of focusing on the action at the expense of the story. This movie, unlike most, had the potential to be a 10/10, but blew it. I still give it an 8/10 — a high 8. Carolyn gave it a 9. I’m sorely tempted to.

*[Don't worry, there's still plenty of EXplicit political commentary too.]

RATINGS:
Clint: Netflix: 5/5 stars. IMDB: 8.4/10.
Carolyn: Netflix: 5/5 stars. IMDB: 9/10. “Still had a few loose ends I wanted tied up.”

The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 5.0/10, Netflix: 2.6/5 stars (Netflix‘s predicted rating for us was 3.1/5 stars–it knew we’d like this more than average, at least). It seems like the public just doesn’t get the importance of technological politics (This review was written in August, 2010). After all, if they did, they’d be more livid than they currently are.

RECOMMENDATION: Paranoia-loving, surveillance society-hating, George Orwell fans, politics lovers, surveillance haters — you all need to watch this… NOW. It’s not quite a masterpiece, but it’s pretty damn good!

SIMILAR MOVIES: Metropia. It’s like a small-scale, low-action, animated version of this movie. I now consider Metropia to be a “failed animated Eyeborgs”, though Metropia is about mind control [and not just surveillance], and thus has a different kind of paranoid feel to it.

 

VIDEO: MOVIES: REVIEW: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 (2012)

VIDEO: MOVIES: REVIEW: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 (2012)

Twilight 5: Breaking Dawn Part 2 (2012) -
Clint: 4/5 stars, 8/10.
Carolyn: 4/5 stars, 7.6/10.
Native ratings: 4.0/5 stars Netflix, 5.7/10 IMDB.

“Twilight sucks!”
It’s not so bad. It’s just Underworld with more romance and less action.

“It sends the wrong message to women! It’s Mormon propaganda!”
Uhhh… I watch South Park and Beavis & Butt-head and Family Guy. You think I care if a bad message is sent? My favorite horror franchise is Saw.

“The relationship is so dysfunctional! It’s a trainwreck. Why would anyone want to watch that?”
HellOOOOOOO… Dysfunctional relationships have always been great to watch! Natural Born Killers, anyone?

“Vampires that sparkle! What the fuck!”
Right… I forgot that when an idea, like vampirism, is introduced into the cinema world, that it means that any other movie using that idea should do it the exact same way. For this reason, I hate the Star Trek reboot and The Fly remake. Just kidding! The whole point of a media is for people to create different interpretations of the same concept. It’s like arguing that a metal song shouldn’t have horns. Limits are stupid.

So anyway…. Of the 5 Twilight movies, this was the best. The ending could be construed as a let-down, but this one really had the least romance and, I think the most action of any Twilight movie.

Plus, it’s over now, and that makes me happy, since it’s not the greatest franchise in the world. But it was good enough to watch all 5 movies. I think movie #2 was the worst of the 5.

LINK URL: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1673434/combined

 

VIDEO: MOVIES: REVIEW: Sleeper (1973)

[IMDB link] [Netflix link]

PLOT SUMMARY: A man is revived 200 years later, only to be used for an anti-government plot against a fascist police state government. Hilarity ensues.

UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): Ulcer surgery leads to complications.

PEOPLE: Written, directed, and starring Woody Allen. That’s almost always a sign of a bad movie, except in this case. Co-starring Dianne Keaton (Mad Money, The Godfather), except that this time it’s 1973 and she is a TOTAL BABE.

And yes, the same voice that did Hal in 2001 did the voice of the surgery computer. I thought that voice sounded familiar!

QUIRKS: Comedy, sci-fi, and political satire. Sci-fi comedy is a big recipe to success (see also: Futurama, Tripping The Rift, Hot Tub Time Machine), one that is often underutilized due to people hating sci-fi so much.

VISUALS: An almost Clockwork Orange-esque depiction of a future with a government gone mad.

SOUNDTRACK: Old jazzy music apparently recorded live at some pub. Almost a throwback to the vaudeville days, though I may just be talking out my ass since I know nothing of those days.

POLITICS: A great example of how generic people can end up being quite happy with a fascist, abusive, censoring “Big Brother” 1984-esque government, as well as being trained to exist in a state of learned helplessness. This movie is political without throwing it in your face. Comedy is forefront, but the satire and social commentary can’t easily be ignored.

GOOD STUFF: Lots of good jokes, great slapstick scenes, plenty of future-based humor, and plenty of biting social commentary. This is a movie that keeps you laughing almost all the way through; something that’s hard to accomplish.

BAD STUFF: It had its “Woody Allen is annoying and corny” moments, sort of like how Spaceballs had its “Mel Brooks is annoying and corny” moments. But these moments were fewer than with Mel Brooks’s stuff. I draw a comparison between the 2 of them for several reasons: They both have made a lot of movies that people think are funny but that really aren’t. They both use self-deprecating humor that often isn’t funny. Despite this, both have made at least 1 5-star movie. Mel Brooks’s magnum opus is History Of The World Part 1 (NOT Spaceballs!). And for Woody Allen, it’s this movie.

CONCLUSION: Pretty damn funny! I’m not big on old movies, so this is pretty much my favorite pre-1980 comedy. I *HATE* Woody Allen, so this is my favorite Woody Allen movie. That this takes place 200 years in the future, and has biting social-political commentary and crazy slapstick situations that are incredibly hilarious. I can’t quite put words to how funny some parts of this movie are. The 1970′s view of the future reminds me of A Clockwork Orange, but if it were a comedy. Pretending to be a robot is hilarious. Fighting futuristic jello is hilarious. People no longer knowing how to have sex without the use of a machine is hilarious. This film is full of laughs. I watched it many times as a child, and it was great to finally see this as an adult, and to finally truly understand all of the jokes and political commentary. This caused me to raise my rating of this movie from 3/5 stars to 5/5 stars.

RATINGS:
Clint: Netflix: 5/5 stars. IMDB: 8/10. I upgraded my rating from 3/5 stars.
Carolyn: Netflix: 4/5 stars. IMDB: 7/10.

The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 7.3/10, Netflix: 3.6/5 stars.

RECOMMENDATION: Even if you hate old movies, this is one worth checking out. Even if you hate Woody Allen, this is one Woody Allen film worth checking out.

MOVIE QUOTES: Lots of great quotes from this movie! Too many to list…

[a 22nd century historian shows Miles a videotape of Howard Cosell]
Historian: We weren’t sure at first what to make of this, but we developed a theory: we feel that when people committed great crimes against the state, they were forced to watch this.
Miles Monroe: Yes. That’s exactly what it was.

Dr. Melik: This morning for breakfast he requested something called “wheat germ, organic honey and tiger’s milk.”
Dr. Aragon: [chuckling] Oh, yes. Those are the charmed substances that some years ago were thought to contain life-preserving properties.
Dr. Melik: You mean there was no deep fat? No steak or cream pies or… hot fudge?
Dr. Aragon: Those were thought to be unhealthy… precisely the opposite of what we now know to be true.
Dr. Melik: Incredible.

 

VIDEO: MOVIES: REVIEW: Clash Of The Titans (2010)

[IMDB link] [Netflix link]

UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): Fuck Gods.

PEOPLE: From the director of The Transporter 2 and The Incredible Hulk (2008) (the Ed Norton one), and who watched the original movie a lot while growing up. Perseus is played by Sam Worthington (Avatar, Terminator Salvation). Zeus by Liam Neeson. Hades by Ralph Fiennes (Voldemort from Harry Potter, The Hurt Locker, Cemetery Junction, Sunshine). Io by Gemma Arterton (St. Trinian’s 1 & 2). Big cast, actually. Lots of characters that you don’t even really get to know.

QUIRKS: A remake of the 1981 movie. I watched the original sooooooo many times. In fact, when I was a child, the only action figure I ever bought new was a Perseus action figure from the original Clash Of The Titans movie. However, this remake’s plot is quite different from the original’s.

VISUALS: Way better than the original. Seeing it in 3-D would probably be cool, but we only saw it in 2-D. I hear they only converted it to 3-D after the fact. People whine about that. But I saw Nightmare Before Christmas in 3-D, and it was AMAZING. That movie was not shot in 3-D either. After-the-fact conversions *do* work, so I’m not going to automatically discount the 3-D version. Maybe someday I’ll watch this in 3-D at home, when we have a 3-D setup.

The original… looks like an episode of Land Of The Lost! It’s very obviously like… clay model monsters. If put in theatres today, people would laugh hard.

WILHELM SCREAM: One (we didn’t notice).

MORALS: Fuck gods.

BAD STUFF: The standard “worst movie ever” type hate that EVERY movie remake or book/comic/video game adaptation gets. The very fans that inspire remakes are the ones who criticize them the most. They’re lame. I mean — the movie was made by someone who watched the original a lot while growing up! Then again, maybe they have a point. And it WAS rushed — it could have been 45 minutes longer and not felt so rushed. I’m still not super critical with eye-candy fantasy-action movies. They’re obviously popcorn entertainment, and we were definitely entertained.

More hate here and here.

CONCLUSION: Tough to say how I feel; my judgment is clouded with comparisons to the original, even though watching the original today would be like watching Land Of The Lost (i.e. laughably bad special effects). The eye candy was certainly better (HD vs the VHS I watched the old version in *every day for a full summer*). But it seemed to be missing SOMEthing. Not sure what. Maybe it was simply that I was not watching this as a child.

One thing to note — I have not seen the original in decades. That way, I didn’t get all pissed off when things worked out differently.

RATINGS:

Clint: Netflix: 3.4/5 stars (high 3). IMDB: 7.4/10 (high 7). I was tempted to give this 4/5 stars (“really like”) and 8/10, but ended up with 3/5 (a high 3), 7/10 (a high 7). I’m not sure if I’m really being consistent with myself — I wrote this review weeks after watching it, and the post-movie high has faded. Carolyn dropped her rating too. Maybe we just forgot the good parts? I mean, Hades was pretty cool.

Carolyn: Netflix: 3.6/5 stars (low 4). IMDB: 7.6/10 (low 8).

The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 6.0/10, Netflix: 3.5/5 stars (Netflix‘s predicted rating for us was 3.6/5 stars).

RECOMMENDATION: Watch it for popcorn entertainment. DO NOT HOLD IT IN COMPARISON TO THE ORIGINAL. It’s best that you consider it a completely different movie, not really a remake.

SIMILAR MOVIES: I don’t quite see why this is necessary — but there’s going to be a sequel in 2012. Also, check out Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief. It’s basically Clash Of The Titans meets Harry Potter.

MOVIE QUOTE: Perseus: If I do this, I do it as a man.
Draco: But you are not JUST a man!

FRIENDS’ RATINGS: Ian‘s review here. (He didn’t like it.). Bunny Day says: “the original is so intensely important to my formation that i’m not really sure how to articulate it.”

OTHER REVIEWS:
Outlaw Vern likes it a lot.

 

VIDEO: MOVIES: REVIEW: Dracula 2000 (2000)

[IMDB link] [Netflix link]

UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): [highlight for spoilers]→ Judas became a vampire.

PEOPLE: Wes Craven! A great selection for someone to direct a vampire flick! Starring Gerard Butler (How To Train Your Dragon, Kable from the movie Gamer, Leonidas from 300) as Dracula. Van Helsing is played by Christopher Plummer (Dr. Parnassus from The Imaginarium Of Dr. Parnassus, Charles Muntz from the movie Up, #1 from the movie 9, Twelve Monkeys, Wolf, General Chang from Star Trek 6, Dreamscape). His company buddy Simon is played by Jonny Lee Miller (Aeon Flux movie, Hackers, bit part in Trainspotting, Eli Stone). There’s also a part with Danny Masterson (Hyde from That 70′s Show). And a small part for Nathan Fillion (the captain from Firefly and Serenity). And also Geri Ryan (7 of 9 from Star Trek Voyager–what a hottie). The mystery girl (her reason for inclusion in the movie becomes apparent as the movie progresses, so I won’t spoil it here) is played by Colleen Fitzpatrick, singer of Vitamin C (their CD is behind her in the record store), and occasional performer on TV shows & movies (2 episodes of Daria, a few Hanna Montana eps, and hopefully that is the last time Daria and Hannah Montana will EVER be mentioned in the same sentence!, Naked Gun 2.5, Liar Liar, Hairspray).

QUIRKS: Modern-day vampire movie.

VISUALS: Creepy Dracula reveal! One of the best. Wes Craven is really good at build-ups. He’s not as good at conclusions, but his build-ups are awesome. See also: The Nightmare On Elm Street series.

SOUNDTRACK: More interesting than most: Slayer, Pantera, Static X, Disturbed, Powerman 5000, Monster Magnet, Godhead, System Of A Down. Let’s ignore the fact that Linkin Park was included. Night On Balt Mountain helps make up for that too. Mostly, these are bands I don’t listen to. But these are bands that sound much more like band I do listen to than most soundtracks… I wish I’d noticed the Slayer.

MORALS: Burglary is bad. You don’t know what you’ll find…

GOOD STUFF: The point-of-view scene of Dracula walking through the record store and making all the girls horny. AWESOME. And no sparkling.

BAD STUFF: Some bad acting during the first 10-15min. Some of the deleted scenes — like Dracula’s extended conversation with [highlight for spoilers]→ Jesus — should have been included.

CONCLUSION: Interesting take on the [highlight for spoilers]→ Judas thing…. I really thought he was going to turn out to be Jesus! :) This movie, while not spectacular, definitely gave us “one night’s vampire entertainment”, without having to take a romantic route, and without having to take place in the past. I like Wes Craven’s style. While it wasn’t GREAT, it was still good — despite the low IMDB rating.

RATINGS:
Clint: Netflix: 3.6/5 stars. IMDB: 7/10. (A low 4/5, 7/10.)
Carolyn: Netflix: 3/5 stars. IMDB: 7/10.
The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 4.8/10 (wow! low!), Netflix: 3.1/5 stars (Netflix‘s predicted rating for us was 2.9/5 stars–lower than average! WRONG!).

RECOMMENDATION: Vampire completists and Wes Craven fans should check this out. If you’re expecting a lot of vampire killing action — like in, say, John Carpenter‘s so-so vampire movies, or in the Blade movies — you may be disappointed. There’s only approximately 4 vampires in the whole movie.

SIMILAR MOVIES: Actually has 2 sequels! #3 has a higher rating than #2.

MOVIE QUOTE: Simon: “Never, ever fuck with an antiques dealer.”

Solina: You know, it’s a special thing to be chosen. Feels like being born.

FRIENDS’ RATINGS: Rachel Weird: “Drac 2K is a great movie. The soundtrack is great too. I know I have it on VHS somewhere…”

Morgan Procter: “@Rachel: When my friends and I got out of the theater, our first comment was, “That should’ve been titled ‘Drac 2K’!”"

 

VIDEO: MOVIES: REVIEW: The Time Machine (2002)

[IMDB link] [Netflix link]

UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): [highlight for spoilers]→ Time traveler fails to save his fiance.

PEOPLE: Directed by Simon Wells — H.G Wells great-grandson — who didn’t get another directing gig for 9 years. That might be a good thing. He also had “extreme exhaustion” and caused them to have to bring in another director for the last 18 days of shooting. Maybe that had something to do with it.

Screenplay by John Logan, who did a much better job on Star Trek:Nemesis, The Aviator, and even Gladiator than in this. In this case, he took a literary masterpiece and made a mockery of it.

Starring Guy Pierce (Memento, The Hurt Locker, Ravenous, L.A. Confidential) as the time traveler. The future love-interest / native woman / “new Weena” is played by Samantha Mumba (a Black-Irish singer). Honestly, I thought she was Zoe Saldana from Avatar the whole time. But no. She’s actually hotter than Zoe Saldana, now that I’ve performed some “research”.

And keep a lookout for Alan Young, the original Filby from the original Time Machine (1960). He is the flower store clerk who says, “Can I help you?”, when the main character goes back in time and sees his fiance for the 2nd time, right before [highlight for spoilers]→ she gets killed in a horse accident. And the Uber-Morlock was played by Jeremy Irons, who was in The Colour Of Magic, Inland Empire, Die Hard:With A Vengeance, and The Lion King.

QUIRKS: Time travel remake, Hollywood-ized.

VISUALS: The main boss melting away into time was one of the most creepy awesome deaths ever. It was done soooo well, even if it was just cgi. We had to watch it twice in a row. It was creepy and chilling. This may be what pushed the movie, BARELY, into 3-star territory for us. Seeing it in HD made it a better movie than when we watched it in 2003 in sub-dvd quality. The visuals are, as a whole, far better than the quaint and laughable visuals of the 1960 Time Machine movie. The vision of the world 750M years from now was pretty awesome too — with the sun going red, and the earth’s surface mostly a charred rockscape that looked like someplace Skeletor would like to live.

SOUNDTRACK: VERY cheesy Africa/Lion King-esque music/”make us feel hope” music. So, so, so incredibly lame.

WILHELM SCREAM: Only the one in my head when I realized what they’d done to Welles’s story.

MORALS: Don’t let Hollywood remake your movie.

POLITICS: Release was delayed by 911. So friggin’ lame. Bin Laden made this movie come out later.

BAD STUFF: All Hollywooded up. The original was better — and I often prefer remakes to the original.

VERY cheesy romance at the beginning.

VERY cheesy “ooh look at the hopeful natives and their peaceful society” plot device. The moral ambiguity has been removed, in place of clear “good guys” and “bad guys”. This is the emotional string-pulling that I think Ian B hates so much :) The Eloi from the 1960 Time Machine were far, far more interesting. It seems like they made these guys look African as some kind of “affirmative action” to rail against the original “Aryan” look of the Eloi in 1960s, complete with the most cheesy music ever. Fact of the matter is, they are supposed to be fair skinned and are supposed to NOT look human. So an Aryan depiction is closer to the original book. It’s not necessarily racist, like so many people thought. Changing them from white to black also erases some of the original social commentary about class warfare.

Also, why the fuck is this Avatar? It even has a white guy going into a black/blue culture, learning their ways, and falling in love with a Zoe Saldana-type character. I know Avatar didn’t come out until 7 years later, but still: When I watch The Time Machine, I don’t want to watch Avatar! This isn’t fucking Avatar, It’s the fucking Time Machine goddamnit! Avatarded, mang!

And what’s with the ending? The time machine is a literal deus ex machina now?!?! It’s a time machine. It’s also a WMD! It slices, it dices, it travels through time, it [highlight for spoilers]→ explodes and kills all the bad guys.

And it all boils down to a fist fight? And not a fist full of hope, like the first Eloi to make a first in the first movie. Mankind is not really redeemed here. It’s just the main character punching a “boss”. Pffft.

ON HAVING SEEN IT BEFORE: Carolyn: Damn, dude, i had NO RECOLLECTION WHATSOEVER. Except for those mountain buildings, which i thought was from some other movie (Avatar was the one i got stuck in my mind). You at least said, “Hey, I’ve seen this scene before” about the holograph [Orlando Jones] scene.

Clint: Yeah, I did say that. My assumption was that I had turned it on in a hotel on vacation or something, realized what it was, and said, “Oh, we’re gonna watch this at some point in the future, so let’s not spoil it”, and then turned it off. I guess, really, that was the only scene I remembered. The rings from the original movie were much cooler.

CONCLUSION: This movie took EVERY point of the first movie and threw it out the door. The only redeeming quality to this movie is the eye candy, especially the “boss death” which is one of the coolest deaths I’ve ever seen — even if it seems to be lifted right out of Cube 2. They took a literary masterpiece, threw everything away, made a mockery of it, and came out with a generic Hollywood film. We actually watched this all the way through without realizing we’d seen it 7 years ago (though we both commented “i’ve seen this scene before” at 2 different places; I thought I’d seen a scene flipping channels; Carolyn thought she was confusing it with another movie). I guess not remembering having watched it in 2003 is a commentary on how generic this is, compared to the original. I had previously rated it 2/5 stars, but upgraded it to 3/5 stars based on the quality of blu-ray vs dvd. Being able to actually see the effect in detail increases their value just enough to increase this to a “barely, barely, barely passable movie”. This is probably still in the lowest 10% of movies that we watch, but I also tend to choose movies I enjoy, and still didn’t mind seeing this (again, apparently). Fans of the original movie, BEWARE. This is a pale echo of the original movie (which I give 5/5 stars).

RATINGS:
Clint: Netflix: 2.6/5 stars. IMDB: 5.6/10. Basically, as low as can possibly be while still rating it 3/5 stars, 6/10. In 2003 I rated this 2/5 stars. It’s only passable in bluray.
Carolyn: Netflix: 3/5 stars. IMDB: 7/10.

The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 5.6/10, Netflix: 3.3/5 stars.

RECOMMENDATION: For completists only. Otherwise, just watch the final fight.

SIMILAR MOVIES: The original (1960), as well as 2 made-for-TV versions (1949, 1978). If anyone knows where to get the made-for-TV versions, I’d love to see them.

MOVIE QUOTE: Uber-Morlock: You built your time machine because of Emma’s death. If she had lived it would never have existed, so how could you use your time machine to go back and save her? You are the inescapable result of your tragedy, just as I am the inescapable result of you.

RELATED: Want to see some crazy shit? http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0268695/board/nest/142566670. Okay,  it’s actually kind of lame, nevermind.

 

VIDEO: MOVIES: REVIEW: The Time Machine (1960)

[IMDB link] [Netflix link] Watched in 720p HD!

PLOT SUMMARY: Guy invents time machine, goes to future, tries to save mankind.

UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): [highlight for spoilers]→ Mankind fails to accomplish anything in a million years, and in fact goes backward.

PEOPLE: Starring Rod Taylor (Winston Churchill in Inglorious Basterds, Falcon Crest). Alan Young (Filby, his Irish friend) later went on to be the voice of Scrooge McDuck, as well as starring in the 2002 remake of The Time Machine (bit part as a flower store worker). He was also Wilbur from Mr. Ed — someone mistook J.R. “Bob” Dobbs on a shirt of mine as Wilbur from Mr. Ed. He was also in Beverly Hills Cop 3. Yvette Mimieux … She’s hot. 1960s hot. I’ll leave it at that. She was also in The Black Hole (1979). Paul Frees, the unfortunately uncredited voice of the rings, later went on to be a voice in The Last Unicorn movie. He was also the “evil car” K.A.R.R. in the one episode of Knight Rider that had a 2nd talking car. Hah!

QUIRKS: Science fiction based on H.G. Wells’s book. Time travel. 1900. A non-futuristic future. Humanity’s rebirth.

VISUALS: Be prepared to laugh at the quaint special effects. They’re not even as good as original Star Trek. The lava was actually oatmeal. In high definition, you can clearly see how certain scenes are 2 separate pieces of film “taped” together. (I don’t know what special effects technology they actually used, but the black border between various parts of the same scene was a good 0.5-1 inches on my 52-inch screen.) They still add to the film, but it is definitely in a corny, dated way. They still had a quaint kind of splendor to them, like original Star Trek.

The “rings” scene is one of the best!!!!!

SOUNDTRACK: I missed the Woody Woodpecker laughs that were put in the background during “Eloi conversation” scenes, as a tribute to the cartoon :/ As well as the little girl picking up a Woody Woodpecker figurine.

MORALS: You gotta fight! For your right! … To not be [highlight for spoilers]→ consumed by sentient predators. Really though — when the first Eloi finally manages to make a fist and use it: It is the rebirth of humanity.

It is one of the simplest moments in all of cinema history to ever represent such a tangible amount of hope.

POLITICS: Mankind often wastes its own achievements – via war. This movie makes that pretty clear.

BAD STUFF: There are lots of mistakes and flaws. I mean, watching a whole [highlight for spoilers]→ city get nuked and being the sole survivor with no radiation damage and being able to walk back to your unharmed time machine? Total bullshit. It’s also funny how easy it is to get laid in this movie. I guess that’s more of a good thing, actually.

CONCLUSION: I watched this as a child many MANY times on a small (13-inch) screen. I never noticed the storytelling / moviemaking / plot / special effects flaws until I watched it as an adult in a 52-inch TV in HD. However, it is a classic story, is quite well done, and succeeds as an AWESOME sci-fi movie despite it’s campy flaws. This is probably the only movie out of the entire 1960s that I can remember greatly enjoying, and I’m glad I watched it again, because Carolyn had never seen it! Even old-movie-haters should watch this one.

RATINGS:
Clint: Netflix: 5/5 stars. IMDB: 8/10.
Carolyn: Netflix: 4/5 stars. IMDB: 8/10.
The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 7.6/10, Netflix: 3.7/5 stars.

RECOMMENDATION: Even if you dislike pre-1980 movies like I do, this is a classic greatly worth checking out.

SIMILAR MOVIES: (Insert any time travel movie here.)

MOVIE QUOTE: Filby: He’s got all the time in the world.

 

VIDEO: MOVIES: REVIEW: The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (2012)

VIDEO: MOVIES: REVIEW: The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (2012)

The Hobbit 1: An Unxpected Journey (2012) -
Clint: 5/5 stars, 8/10.
Carolyn: 5/5 stars, 8.4/10.

Native ratings: 4.2/5 stars Netflix, 8.2/10 IMDB (174th highest-rated movie ever).

A great set-up movie, as expected. You don’t get the satisfaction of a real conclusion, as these stories are LOOONNNNG.

Intro to Gollum, Sting, finding the ring, etc… We are so ready for movie #2!

LINK URL: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0903624/combined

 

VIDEO: MOVIES: REVIEW: Date Night (2010)

[IMDB link] [Netflix link]

PLOT SUMMARY: Boring married couple steals a reservation at a restaurant, causing a case of mistaken identity that causes them to be involved with criminals.

UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): Karma is a bitch for reservation-stealers.

PEOPLE: Starring Steve Carell and Tina Fey. They work really well together as a married couple, though Carell is definitely the funnier one. With Mark Wahlberg aka Marky Mark (Dirk Diggler from Boogie Nights), Taraji P. Henson as the good cop (Queenie from The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button), bad cops played by Jimmi Simpson (The Invention Of Lying, the virtual man from Virtuality) and Common, and a D.A. played by William Fichtner (Blades Of Glory, Ultraviolet, Equilibrium, Strange Days, Go, Armageddon). Brief roles by Mila Kunis (Jackie from That 70′s Show, Meg from Family Guy, Extract), Kristen Wiig (never gets enough camera time!) (Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Walk Hard, Extract, Adventureland, The Brothers Solomon, Knocked Up), James Franco (Harry Osborn in the Spider-Man movies, Pineapple Express). And of course the cabbie is Leon from Curb Your Enthusiasm!

QUIRKS: It’s a comedy-crime-romance film. I’m not sure if that’s the right order. It might be crime-comedy-romance. Or maybe it’s more comedy in the beginning, crime in the middle, and romance at the very end? It’s an interesting combination. The last action movie I saw that had this much comedy in it was possibly Big Nothing (but it had no romance).

SOUNDTRACK: Not particularly remarkable to me, but it opened with Ramones‘s Blitzkrieg Bop.

MORALS: Authority sucks. But kids suck even more.

POLITICS: Politicians are corrupt.

CONCLUSION: It’s not a 5-star comedy OR a 5-star action/crime/thriller movie, but the two aspects combined made this a successful 4-star movie. Carolyn & I both had a great time watching this. Carrel and Fey work really well together, and they threw in just enough jokes and ridiculous situations to keep the laughs coming — up until the action and romance took over at the climax (which is to be expected in a movie like this).

Also, this movie just reaffirms how shitty it is to have children, and how they take away your freedom.

RATINGS:
Clint: Netflix: 4/5 stars. IMDB: 8/10.
Carolyn: Netflix: 4/5 stars. IMDB: 8/10.

The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 6.6/10, Netflix: 3.8/5 stars (Netflix‘s predicted rating for us was 3.9/5 stars).

RECOMMENDATION: Carrel & Fey fans should check this out.

SIMILAR MOVIES: Big Nothing, but add romance.

MOVIE QUOTE: Phil Foster: He turned the gun sideways! That’s a kill shot!

 

VIDEO: MOVIES: REVIEW: Vanilla Sky (2001)

[IMDB link] [Netflix link]

UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): [highlight for spoilers]→ Stalker sends man to his own personal hell.

PEOPLE: Tom Cruise, Cameron Diaz, and Penelope Cruz. Cameron Diaz’s character was indeed creepy, despite the fact that in real life, it is Tom Cruise who is the creepier of the two. And Penelope always seems to be in love triangle movies — I’m looking at you, Vicky Cristina Barcelona.

QUIRKS: Remake of a spanish movie “Open Your Eyes” (the original had Penelope Cruz too!).

Non-linear storytelling. And it’s not just for the sake of doing it, like it is in some movies. There’s a good reason [which can't be revealed without spoiling it] for things to be done this way. It also adds to the mystery aspect, and dreamlike feel of the movie.

VISUALS: This is more of a cerebral movie than a visual movie… but there are definitely its visual moments. Definitely.

BAD STUFF: Some people were confused by it, but those people were dumb.

CONCLUSION: While I don’t have much to say specifically about this movie… It was definitely great, and tied together very well. Much more philosophical than I thought as I was watching it. And just confusing enough to be very engaging.

RATINGS:

Carolyn: Netflix: 5/5 stars. IMDB: 9/10.
Clint: Netflix: 5/5 stars. IMDB: 9/10. I kinda felt it was 4/5 stars most of the time, but then the ending really tied it together. Unable to decide whether I’d rate it 4/5 or 5/5 stars, I am deferring to Carolyn’s judgment.

The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 6.9/10, Netflix: 3.1/5 stars (Netflix‘s predicted rating for us was 3.8/5 stars).

RECOMMENDATION: Don’t pass this up based on its summary; this movie is deeper than it lets on.

SIMILAR MOVIES: Tons, but to say which ones might reveal plot spoilers ;)

MOVIE QUOTES:

Sofia: Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around.

Rebecca Dearborn: What is any life without the pursuit of a dream?

FRIENDS’ RATINGS: Parthena & Christian loved it. Tatiana & Benj really liked it. Glen & Stacy liked it. But Ian didn’t like it.

 

VIDEO: MOVIES: CARTOONS: REVIEW: Metropia (2009)

[IMDB link] [Netflix link]

UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): Shampoo leads to complications.

PEOPLE: Voiced by Vincent Gallo, Juliette Lewis (Strange Days, Natural Born Killers) — but the faces, I’m not so sure who the faces were. They all looked like familiar actors to me, but all replaceable.

QUIRKS: Bleak, dystopian, almost cyberpunk-ish corporate controlled future world. Extreme paranoia. Voices in your head. Corporate conspiracies and control. Shades of 1984.

VISUALS: Crazy visuals; glad to watch this in 1080p. Photo-realistic faces, but everyone’s heads are noticeably too big to be real. I believe they were *intentionally* going for the uncanny valley effect. It worked. The film is creepy and paranoid enough; the visual style just adds to it. I think some of the same motivations were used for doing this as with A Scanner Darkly, the movie this most resembles in both style and substance.

MORALS: Sometimes you gotta do some insane things just to retain your individuality. Sometimes you don’t even realize this is the case.

POLITICS: Corporations don’t care about peoples’ individuality; they care about profit.

BAD STUFF: The ending seemed like kind of hasty fizzle-out. The movie is kind of short, at 1:25. This movie might have been a 10/10 if it lasted 2 hrs and had an awesome ending. The subplot with his girlfriend at home seemed a bit superfluous.

CONCLUSION: A great, paranoia-inducin’, corporation’-hatin movie about corporate greed vs freedom, conspiracy, and wigging out while looking at crazy animated photorealistic uncanny valley visuals.

RATINGS:
Clint: Netflix: 5/5 stars. IMDB: 9/10.
Carolyn: Netflix: 5/5 stars. IMDB: 9/10.
The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 6.1/10, Netflix: 3.2/5 stars.

RECOMMENDATION: Animation and politics lovers will like this.

SIMILAR MOVIES: A Scanner Darkly. And some hints of 1984.

 

VIDEO: MOVIES: REVIEW: Bound (1996)

[IMDB link] [Netflix link]

UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): Lesbians fuck each other, then the mob.

PEOPLE: Directed by Andy and Lana Wachowski (Speed Racer, V For Vendetta, The Matrix trilogy). The Matrix was made by these guys because the studios were impressed with their work on this film.

Starring Jennifer Tilly (Bonnie Swanson, wife of wheelchair-cop-guy in Family Guy, Tideland) in her sexiest role EVER, and Gina Gershon (Six in Tripping The Rift‘s 2004 season, Catwoman in The Batman cartoon) in her most un-attractive role ever — but she still fails at being un-attractive.

With Joe Pantoliano (Memento, The Matrix, Daredevil, Percy Jackson & The Olympians:The Lightning Thief, The Goonies), John P. Ryan, Christopher Meloni (Law & Order, Oz, Carriers, Harold & Kumar 1-2, Wet Hot American Summer, Fear & Loathing In Las Vegas, 12 Monkeys), and Richard C. Sarafian

And a cameo by Susie Bright, who I saw speak at Virginia Tech! Like 80% of the audience had to walk out because they couldn’t take the sex clips she played to explain the sex topics she talked about. Pussies. Susie Bright also helped as a technical consultant for the bedroom scenes.

QUIRKS: Lesbian seduction. Chase the money.

VISUALS: Lesbian seduction. And oh, the great directing style of the Wachowskis.

SOUNDTRACK: Too busy thinking about lesbian seduction to notice.

MORALS: Make sure you know who you trust.

BAD STUFF: Chase the money isn’t as titillating as lesbian seduction.

CONCLUSION: Take a normal chase-the-money film, add some lesbian seduction as well as the superb direction of the Wachowskis, blend together, and get a really good thriller, compared to others of the same genre.

RATINGS:
Clint: Netflix: 4/5 stars. IMDB: 8/10.
Carolyn: Netflix: 4/5 stars. IMDB: 8.6/10 (a low 9).

The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 7.4/10, Netflix: 3.5/5 stars (Netflix‘s predicted rating for us was 3.8/5 stars).

RECOMMENDATION: The Wachowskis make some really good movies. That is the basis for watching yet another “chase the money” movie. Go for it.

SIMILAR MOVIES: Judas Kiss, The Big Nothing, High Times’ Potluck, Sin City. Tons of movies follow the “scheming to chase the money” formula. Though not many have the lesbianism angle at the same time.

MOVIE QUOTES:

Violet: I’m not apologizing for what I did. I’m apologizing for what I didn’t do.

Corky: For me, stealing’s always been a lot like sex. Two people who want the same thing: they get in a room, they talk about it. They start to plan. It’s kind of like flirting. It’s kind of like… foreplay, ’cause the more they talk about it, the wetter they get. The only difference is, I can fuck someone I’ve just met. But to steal? I need to know someone like I know myself.

 

JOURNAL: HOUSE: 2013 Real Estate Assessment

(NOTE: This post is an updated copy of my 2012 post [see also: 2011, 2010,  2009,  2008])

(Check our your property value using the official Fairfax county link.)

THE BASIC SUMMARY: Our real estate assessment stayed the same. No up or down. To. the. dollar. That’s fishy. Seems like perhaps values went down slightly, but Fairfax County wanted to keep the tax revenue going. A 0.00% increase (house went up 0%, land went up 0%), which is obviously less than the average of yearly gains (5.8% a year on average, as of 2 years ago), and slightly less than last year’s 3% increase. Our house value increased $0 a month. That would make this the 4th worst year for our investment return, and the worst return of the last 3 years as well. But we’re still way ahead.

In 1999, we bought the house at  $141K.
In 2000, we  were  assessed  at  $142K.
In 2001, this  grew   by 3.5% to $147K.
In 2002, this  grew   by  39% to $205K.
In 2003, this  grew   by   3% to $211K.
In 2004, this  grew   by  24% to $261K.
In 2005, this  grew   by  34% to $349K.
In 2006, this  grew   by  13% to $395K. [addition basically complete]
In 2007, this  grew   by   3% to $406K  (peak)
In 2008, this dropped by   7% to $375K. [addition officially complete]
In 2009, this dropped by   3% to $364K.
In 2010, this dropped by  18% to $298K. (ouch)
In 2011, this  grew   by   3% to $307K. Finally a gain! 
In 2012, this  grew   by  ~3% to $316K.
In 2013, this   remained      at $316K.

We’re 22% down from our peak value. (But not 37% like 3 years ago)

The house is still worth 2.36X more than we owe on the mortgage (2012=2.32X,2011=2.27X).

We still owe $133.9K on our mortgage [2012=$136.1K].

In 2013, we owe about $2000 less on our mortgage than we did the prior year. [2012=we owed $700 MORE than the prior year due to refinance costs].

So we are still ahead (assessed value minus what is owed on the mortgage) by $182.0K. (2012=$179.8K, 2011=$171.7K, 2010=$163K).

However, our gain in getting ahead was only $2.2K this year, far less than previous years’ gain in being ahead. (2012=$8.1K, 2011=$8.7K).

We’ve lived here 13 years now, so that’s a running average of getting $12,997 ahead each year. This running average has been declining: 2012=$14,903,2011=$15,609.
Per month, that is $1083 ahead each month. [2012=$1249,2011=$1300] ahead each month.

Our mortgage is down to $1025 from  $1300 (refinanced), so this place seems to literally be paying for itself: It’s value goes up more each month, on average, over the entire time we’ve lived here… Than how much we pay each month!

(Of course, the addition wasn’t free, it was about $80K, so we’re really only $102.0K ahead (2012=$99.8K,2011=$91.7K), or only $7,283 ahead per year (2012=$8,317,2011=$8,336), or only about $606 (2012=$693,2011=$694) ahead each month. Still not shabby.))

These people who say houses aren’t a good investment don’t know what they’re talking about. Even if it’s value drops 90%, you’re still getting 10% more of your money back than if you were renting! And we’re sure as hell doing better than dropping 90%… We’re getting double our money back, assuming value holds.

We also have way more living space than people who pay the same amount: 2500 sq ft @ 1025/mo = 41 cents per square foot per month. People in this area (inside the D.C. beltway, or inside D.C. itself) are often paying rates 3-4X as much per square foot month.

Here’s the new graph:

2012′s graph:

2011′s graph:

More:

Broken down via land vs. building:

LAND:
2000: $71K
2001: $71K
2002: $90K (+27%)
2003: $100K (+11%)
2004: $150K (+50%)
2005: $184K (+23%)
2006: $166K (-10%) [addition completed]
2007: $166K
2008: $184K (+11%)
2009: $166K (-10%)
2010: $148K (-11%)
2011: $148K
2012: $152K (+2.7%)
2013: $152K

BUILDING:
2000: $71K
2001: $76K (+7%)
2002: $115K (+51%)
2003: $111K (-3%)
2004: $111K
2005: $165K (+49%) [addition possibly counted here]
2006: $229K (+39%) [addition completed]
2007: $241K (+5%)
2008: $192K (-20%)
2009: $198K (+3%)
2010: $150K (-24%)
2011: $159K (+6%)
2012: $164K (+3%)
2013: $164K

FOOTNOTE: 2006 was about when the construction was mostly finished, but due to problems with it being completely finished, it might not have been legally counted as finished until 2008.

RANDOM NOTE: The Google Chart Playground is very, very useful. Saves a lot of manual page refresheses…

Mood: did not want to type this up the day I re-installed windows!
Music: GWAR!!

THE END

 

JOURNAL: ANECDOTES: HIGH SCHOOL: The album I hated the most ever may as well have become one of my best Halloween costumes

Here’s an old story… The year was probably around 1991 or so.

me, 1991ish

I would skip lunch every day during the week, so that I could pool my lunch money in addition to my $2/week allowance and be able to afford a new cassette each weekend at Potomac Mills
mall.

Random hot ‘older’ chick (now younger than me, I bet) that we dared Ravi to take a random picture of. Potomac Mills Mallrat days, 1991ish.

Occasionally, I would buy an album simply because I’d heard someone mention the name, or because I thought the cover art was good. Especially if it was on a label I liked, like Noise Records.

Dreamweaver: One of the greatest albums of all time.

There was no real way to find out about music. Everyone else’s taste sucked. For instance, to get my first Misfits album, I asked punks in the record store which one I should buy. They sent me home with Earth A.D.. Yay.

Earth A.D.: A great Misfits album to start with. If you can handle that, the rest will be easy. Here’s a drawing I traced from the Die Die My darling 12-inch vinyl single. DDMD is also on Earth A.D.

So anyway — this week, I decided to buy Slip It In, by Black Flag. Without knowing at all what it sounded like.

To this day, I can’t STAND Henry Rollins, OR HIS FUCKING NECK. (Except his open letter to Ann Coulter. That was awesome.)

Suffice to say, I was incredibly, incredibly disappointed with this album. I found it to be one of the most annoying, grating things that I’ve ever heard. And I was someone who pretty much listened exclusively to speedmetal (as it was called then, today, thrash metal more accurately describes the specific metal I would listen to).

”What is this shit?!?!?!?!”

I tore the cover up into tiny pieces. I then consumed each and every tiny piece, until the entire album cover had been eaten. Since I thought it was shit, it was fitting to use my body to turn it into actual shit.

Sometimes I eat weird things. Like a whole piece of paper during class in college once, ’cause I was so hungry and I don’t cut class.

I then broke apart the plastic cassette. I stretched the tape out from my best friend Sam Watson‘s house, all the way to my house.

path of Black Flag cassette stretch

Never before have I destroyed music in such a total fashion.

the Album Tacos version of this album would have tasted much better…

Anyway, the title refers to one of my best Halloween costumes. This would be around 8th or 9th grade, when I took a broken cassette or two, and covered myself in cassette tape, and simply went as “Cassette Man”. I did this with blank tapes that had broken from overuse or abuse. It was a pretty cool costume, and I bet no pictures of it exist :/

Me & Sam Watson, 1991ish, making ridiculous music that I could stand far more than Black Flag’s ”Slip It In”.

 

VIDEO: MOVIES: REVIEW: Virtuality

[IMDB link] [Netflix link]

UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): Reality TV suddenly becomes important.

PEOPLE: Directed by actor/producer/writer/director Peter Berg (who directed Hancock, and stars in Chicago Hope). Written by a 2 Caprica + Battlestar Galactica + Deep Space 9 + Star Trek:TNG writer/producers.

The 12 crew members are played by Nikolaj Coster-Waldau (captain) (Black Hawk Down), Kerry Bishe (Scrubs), Joy Bryant (Parenthood), Jose Pablo Cantillo (Verona in Crank, a cop in Disturbia, and of course 1 ep of Nip/Tuck, like sooo many people), Ritchie Coster (The Chechen in Batman:The Dark Knight), James D’Arcy (Exorcist 2004), Clea DuVall (!!!!) (21 Grams, But I’m A Cheerleader, The Grudge, The Faculty, Can’t Hardly Wait, Heroes, Carnivale), Gene Farber (4 eps of 24), Sienna Guillory (Inkheart, Jill Valentine in Resident Evil:Apocalypse, The Time Machine), Erik Jensen, Nelson Lee (Blade:The Series), and Omar Metwally (Rendition). The “virtual man” is played by Jimmi Simpson (Bob from The Invention Of Lying, Lyle The Intern on David Letterman 2008-2009, 2 eps of Carnivale, 3 eps of 24).

QUIRKS: Virtual reality. Space travel. Reality TV. And all in the first 15 minutes! I really don’t think these 3 things have EVER been combined! Being on a spaceship with 5 billion viewers of a reality tv show based on you being on a spaceship? Way to add to the stress!

VISUALS: Dry and sterile. This is about being trapped in a metal cylinder [a space ship] for 10 years. Though the activation of the Orion Drive was pretty damn cool.

BAD STUFF: Very very interesting, but the fatal flaw is that the movie just… stops. There really should be more. Carolyn didn’t feel robbed, but I did a bit. I was told to think of it more as a pilot movie, due to the fact that things don’t *REALLY* conclude. I listened to this advice, but never realized that it REALLY IS a Made-for-TV pilot. The movie literally ended without me realizing any of the subplots were even close to being properly concluded. It’s too bad this wasn’t picked up as a series. But they should be more clear that it’s a pilot, when marketing it. Of course, I could have done more research, but I avoid doing that, because I want to avoid spoilers.

GOOD STUFF: The psychology. The virtual reality / computer bug / 2001 angle. The Hollywood / reality TV angle. The save the human species angle. The Parkinson’s Disease angle. There are SO MANY DIFFERENT THINGS GOING ON in this. I see now that it is because they were setting up multiple plots that would take full seasons to come to fruition, but really, it was kind of nice that it was so chock full of interesting happenings. This is, perhaps, an example of what TV has to offer that movies don’t. (Despite the fact that I thought this was a “real” movie when I was watching it.) I don’t watch much sci-fi TV — and it’s not a leading category for my movies either (that would be comedy) — but if this was a series I would be a faithful viewer ’til the end. This could have been a Firefly-level happening, had FOX not been so typically stupid about picking up series.

CONCLUSION: This would have been a 5-star movie if it had not ended so abruptly! That is, had it been a movie and not a pilot.

RATINGS:
Clint: Netflix: 4.4/5 stars (a high 4). IMDB: 8.4/10.
Carolyn: Netflix: 4/5 stars. IMDB: 8/10.
The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 6.5/10, Netflix: 2.6/5 stars (Netflix‘s predicted rating for us was 3.4/5 stars).

RECOMMENDATION: Sci-fi people should check this out! It’s much more psychology-based than effects-and-action-based, which is how science fiction SHOULD be.

SIMILAR MOVIES: Almost seemed like a combination of Pandorum (without the horror elements), 2001 (the movie), Avalon (2001), and the movie Live! (without the political elements).

COINCIDENCES: While talking about the earth being uninhabitable in 100 years, showing red circles in the Gulf Of Mexico followed by a BP station collapsing is quite interesting, what with the current Deepwater Horizon oil well catastrophe currently happening as of the writing of this blogpost.

FRIENDS’ RATINGS: Several people I knew had seen this, and had good things to say about it.

 

JOURNAL: COMPUTER: OLD SCHOOL: I miss my IRC randomly-generated twisted reasons for quitting the channel …. I used the hell out of that /quit command!

IRC downloading, 2001

Remember IRC? It was the first thing I did when I got on the internet in 1992 at Virginia Tech — and the first time I’d done it legally. Funny stuff you could do with the mIRC IRC client. You could have a custom quit message. For example, you could type:

/quit gotta go to work

and then it would say to everyone else in the channel:

ClintJCL (192.168.0.1) quit the channel (gotta go to work).

Wanting to out-do everyone else, I thought it would be funny to say something offensive to a lot of people. Especially since they can’t kick you from the channel — because you just quit! But I wanted my solution to be technically impressive too, so I scripted up random twisted sentences, by creating some text files that would be pieced together, almost like a Mad-Lib. That way, I could leave, and it would automatically come up with hilarious/crazy/sick/twisted things.

Here are some actual examples:

1. ClintJCL (192.168.0.1) quit the channel (sold children to pimps (who will make whores out of them), while they slowly bled to death).ClintJCL (192.168.0.1) quit the channel (got a blow job from your fat mom while on the floor of congress).
2. ClintJCL (192.168.0.1) quit the channel (sold children to cannabalistic African tribes, where they will slowly starve to death)
3. ClintJCL (192.168.0.1) quit the channel (got a rim job from your fat mom in front of the Queen Of England).
4. ClintJCL (192.168.0.1) quit the channel (smoked medical marijuana with The Taliban in front of 221 innocent children).
5. ClintJCL (192.168.0.1) quit the channel (sold children to child pornographers, while they pleaded for their lives).
6. ClintJCL (192.168.0.1) quit the channel (dropped acid with Ronald Reagan while in the White House).
7. ClintJCL (192.168.0.1) quit the channel (sold children to black market organ harvesters, while onlookers laughed).
8. ClintJCL (192.168.0.1) quit the channel (had an intense bondage session with your aunt while watching cartoons).
9. ClintJCL (192.168.0.1) quit the channel (got a hand job from Mohammad Atta on national television).
10. ClintJCL (192.168.0.1) quit the channel (sold children to black market organ harvesters, where their spirit will be broken).
11. ClintJCL (192.168.0.1) quit the channel (spooged all over your raunchy mom in front of 566 innocent children).
12. ClintJCL (192.168.0.1) quit the channel (sold children to medical laboratories for twisted genetic experiments, where their spirit will be broken).
13. ClintJCL (192.168.0.1) quit the channel (snorted crystal meth with George Bush while going on a homocidal killing spree).
14. ClintJCL (192.168.0.1) quit the channel (spanked Mohammad Atta in front of Mohammad Atta’s mother).
15. ClintJCL (192.168.0.1) quit the channel (smoked P.C.P. with George W. Bush in front of 317 starving Afghan refugees).
16. ClintJCL (192.168.0.1) quit the channel (took psychedelic mushrooms with Jesus Christ in front of 567 innocent children).
17. ClintJCL (192.168.0.1) quit the channel (spanked your sister in front of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir).

The possibilities, while not endless, were pretty damn vast.

How did I do this?

I did this by piecing together sentence fragments from text files I created. Sentences followed one of these formats:

1. sold children $read(thingstosellchidreninto.lst) $+ , $read(sadsentenceendings.lst)
2. $read(drugtaking.lst) with $read(funnydrugcelebrities.lst) $read(funnysentenceendings.lst)
3. $read(sexualthingstodowithpeople.lst) $read(funnypeopletohavesexwith.lst_ $read(funnysentenceendings.lst_)

4. It was also set up so that about 5% of the time, it would make political statements, quote Sabbat lyrics, or Praise “Bob” …. but I’m not including those in this blogpost. This blogpost is about funny things I’ve said dynamically and programatically; not static things I’ve said. :)

I will include the actual contents of the files at the bottom of the post. But here is the list of the files themselves:

• drugs.lst: a list of drugs (pot, acid, cocaine).
• drugtaking.lst: a list of drugtaking phrases (injected heroin, dropped acid, smoked pot).
  



• FunnyDrugCelebrities.lst: a list of people/entities that are amusing to think about doing drugs. (The Pope, Barbara Bush, Janet Reno, God).


Haha.. Celebrities are funny to do drugs with. Aren't Sid & Nancy funny? Ha ha.

• FunnyPeopleToHaveSexWith.lst: it’s what the filename sounds like. (Your mom, your sister, your dead grandmother’s corpse, etc).
  

  Funny to have sex with

• FunnySentenceEndings.lst: Tacked on to the ends of sentences to make them funnier. (while in the whitehouse, on national television, in front of 22 cops, in front of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir)
  

  everything's funnier in front of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir!

• SadSentenceEndings.lst: This could have been in the same file as FunnySentenceEndings, but I randomly decided whether it would be funny or sad. Sad ones included “while they begged for death’s sweet release”, “while they slowly bled to death”, “where they will spend the rest of their lives in misery”, and such.
  

  sentence endings so sad...they're funny

• SexualThingsToDoWithPeople.lst: A list of sex acts (had anal sex with, had an intense bondage session with, etc)
  

  No... Really... Weird sex acts ARE FUNNY!!!

• …And the most twisted filename of all: ThingsToSellChildrenInto.lst (sweatshops, sexual slavery, etc – check out the full file below)
  

  Sell them into smoking advertising! HA HA!

• HatedPeople.lst: Only used from within FunnyPeopleToHaveSexWith.lst (because it’s funny to have sex with hated people) and FunnySentenceEndings (because it’s funny to do things in front of the mom’s of hated people). Osama Bin Laden was in this list. I really could have made this a nice, long list if I’d really tried.

And now, past the jump, the contents of the files themselves… But first, a Sloth!

This is actually related to the discussion. Back in the IRC days, my name was _Vengeance_. Needing to win wars against other people's scripts, I ended up running several other clients, including _Wrath_, _Sloth_, and _Avarice_. Well, someone sent this sloth.jpg file to me randomly once! Paranoid people will never experience the joys that can be had by automatically accepting unattended file transfers from strangers!

 

VIDEO: MOVIES: REVIEW: Control Alt Delete (2008)

[IMDB link] [Netflix link] “When your computer’s already your best friend… why not go all the way?”

PLOT SUMMARY: A programmer must deal with the approaching Y2K deadline, while being dumped by his girlfriend, finding a new romantic love interest, and dealing with a new sexual addiction involving a fetish for computers. This is basically a cringe comedy movie. They bill it as a romantic comedy, but there’s really almost no romance at all. It’s cringe comedy. And sexual too. Though there’s not really much real nudity.

UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): Programmer rapes computers at the possible expense of Y2K societal collapse.

PEOPLE: Starring Tyler Labine as the main character. He played a drunk customer in Zack And Miri Make A Porno, and played John Belushi in the movie Behind The Camera: The Unauthorized Story Of Mork & Mindy. Jane the crippled secretary is played by Sonja Bennett. It’s rare for me to say this, but I think she works better as a brunette. She was part of one of the couples in Young People Fucking. The lovely brown-eyed girlfriend that dumps him is Laura Bertram (Andromeda). Gustafson is played by Geoff Gustafson — Dr. Jeff in Hot Tub Time Machine, and a bridge crewperson in the movie 2012. Keith Mendelson was played by Keith Dallas, aka Big Leroy in Snakes On A Plane, and a bit role as a Parthenon Janitor in Percy Jackson & The Olympians:The Lightning Thief.

And let’s not forget The Boss. What a great character she was, with her mousy voice and crazy professionalism. She seemed like Ana from the new V series, if she was on intraveneous Prozac. Played by Alisen Down, who looks nothing like the character she played. As well as Lillian Luthor in Smallville, and lots of sci-fi TV.

QUIRKS: Y2K. Computers. Programming. Fetishes. FUCKING COMPUTERS. Like, raping them. Drilling a hole in them and raping them. I shit you not.

Everybody’s name ends in “son”. Why? I don’t know.

That weird guy who gets more and more numb during the entire movie, and then is unrecognizably different at the end. Why did they include him? Some sort of symbolism? It was delightful quirkiness, regardless.

MORALS: Everyone has a dark side. Rather than persecute those around you for discovering theirs, embrace your own.

BAD STUFF: Should have been called Control Alt Insert, really. Control Alt Delete is already taken by the comic of the same name, and its animated adaptation.

Apparently, sexual fetishes AND computer geekery make for a movie the public hates. Ahh, dumb public. You don’t know what you’re missing. Anything involving weird sex is automatically voted down. Anything involving the dark side of human behavior is automatically voted down. Dumb, dumb public. This was hilarious.

CONCLUSION: An incredibly unique cringe comedy based on computer fetishism and geekery. I’m sorely tempted to give this 5 stars. Never in my life did I think I’d watch a movie with a subplot involving a guy throwing away his Commodore 64 in order to prevent himself from drilling a hole into it and having sex with it. Nor have I watched a movie about Y2K paranoia before…

RATINGS:
Clint: Netflix: 4.4/5 stars — a high 4. IMDB: 8.6/10 — a low 9.
Carolyn: Netflix: 3.6/5 stars — a low 4. IMDB: 7.6/10 — a low 8.

The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 4.5/10, Netflix: 2.2/5 stars (too much for the public to stand, eh?).

RECOMMENDATION: All computer geeks and perverts must see this! It’s a laugh! A subtle, dry, disturbing, cringy laugh.

SIMILAR MOVIES: None. Though one could maybe mention Tetsuo The Iron Man, but that movie is more of a montage of horror than a comedy with a plot.

MOVIE QUOTE: Some good ones, but IMDB isn’t listing any…