Attention Marilyn Manson! Your fans are douchebags! Well, not all of them. But a higher percentage than with other bands, that’s for sure. To impatient readers, you might want to skip down to exhibit 4 below, to see how I ended up giving this bitch her come-uppance by deliberately pouring a drink on her. She deserved worse.

So I went to the Marilyn Manson show tonight, and apparently I had my freak magnet turned on high. To get in, you have to first pass an id checkpoint just to walk in the outside non-club shopping center area. Then you go in the club, and get searched. Then you pass the club id checkpoint. Then you get searched again. I thought it excessive, but after the douchitude of the night I’m kind of glad nobody there had any knives or anything.

Freak Magnet Exhibit #1: “really high euro-dude”

First off, while eating at Ram’s Head Live, we attract some photography by this foreign European guy who later said he was “really high”. At first it was just weird how he wanted to get a picture of me eating a hot dog in mid-bite, and Carolyn eating a pizza in mid-bite. Then it rapidly progressed from “charming in a way only a foreigner could get away with because ignorance of our ways is the only way what you’re doing isn’t creep” to plain old-fashioned “Okay this really is creepy, maybe you should go away now”.

I didn’t really want to spend my time talking to him. I bought a hot dog, and had to hear something about hot dogs. Something which I could not understand. I didn’t care. He was fortunately easily distracted, so he walks a good 10 feet away, and gets into a “mini-tussle” with someone else … No actually physical force used, but he pissed the other guy off enough that I think the other guy (painted face posterboy Marilyn Manson fan) pushed into one of the security folks, and it looks like security may have removed him from the club because. I don’t really wish the worst on people, but I was thinking perhaps they should have removed the foreign guy. At this time, he was currently doing things such as squirting the communal ketchup into the communal sauerkraut, and picking up the tip jar (with money in it) and going, “What is this???” Definite tension, and I was just like “Why do I attract these people?” Well, it was probably Carolyn doing the attracting, atually, since she’s so damn attractive. :)

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Freak Magnet Exhibit #2: Club-acquaintances inevitably end up standing next to us
These are good freaks, but I’m still a freak magnet.

Then we ran into Todd & Jenn & Kat, from Bound. And so I had to hear all about the new venue opening up next week, and oh look, see this flyer, this doorway is from this building, which is the oldest building in d.c., and look, that’s Jen in the corner, and look, I photoshopped it to make it look like she has restraints. We’re having 3 bands next Friday. I like Todd, but sometimes he’s one-dimensional. Promote his event, scam on women. I guess that’s 2 dimensions, really. But I don’t really need to listen to the dvd commentary track for a single-use flyer. That’s minutea. I don’t need to know the names of the bands, when that would have 0% influence on whether I would go. I just… don’t like to talk about events as much. Some people hype things up before hand… I prefer to talk about things after the fact. Sooo much hype. So so so so so much hype. Of course it was good to see them all, but it was like reading spam emails.

Freak Magnet Exhibit #3: Goth Co-worker?
(another cool newly-dubbed freak)

Then I recognized a co-worker of mine (well, ex-co-worker now), dressed in a gothy leather shirt with a lot of cleavage … It was nothing remotely close to anything you would ever wear to work, or even to a function with co-workers, or even to most house parties. That was fun. I always had a feeling about her. Just her glasses rim style and particular shade of red haircolor alone made me think she was “alternative”, maybe gothy, then I found out she goes to Rennfests and Celtic Festivals and such, which made me think “okay definitely alternative”… And she made at least 1 off-hand comment long ago that I felt was only decodeable by me. (Gee, I hope I don’t sound like Colleen Nestler!) It made me think she’s up to things, and I just had to use my imagination. And now here she is in a busty leather shirt at the Marilyn Manson concert. :)
She recognized me but wasn’t sure it was me at first due to my now much-longer hair and beard. It took me a second too, because her hair was now blackish looking, and when I’d seen it last it was red. But she had met Carolyn before a couple times, so I think there wasn’t too much confusion. So we both looked different. We talked for awhile, but of course Todd swooped in and kind of stole the conversation (kinda annoying) to first compliment her glow-in-the-dark rosary and declare, multiple successive times, how “old school” and awesome it is. And then of course promoting his event again, and saying some of the same rigmarole that he said to me.

I know it’s hard to promote events, but the broken record act gets old. At least I was seeing both dimensions of his personality – promoting his event, and trying to talk to every girl on the planet. And I like him, and think he puts on a decent event, I just think that they are so totally over-hyped as to sound like they are more than they really are… And after having popped once in every few months for 5+ yrs, I would think he would realize that we are not regulars, never will be, don’t need the hype, are either going or not, and that whether we go or not is never going to be based on what hype he recently spewed, but our own whims and social calendar.

20080124 - Marilyn Manson concert - 151-5139 - Marilyn Manson singing

So eventually, my [ex-]co-worker friend pulled us over to where they were standing, which was a much better place to stand. Still pretty far from the stage by my standards, but it was damn crowded. At this point, the show started, and people started to surge. Things got pretty tight, and there really wasn’t any way to move in any direction at all. Of course various people tried to say “excuse me” and get buy, and people, including myself, let them by when possible. But once it packed, it became utterly impossible to move in the slightest. I couldn’t move 12 inches in any direction.

Freak Magnet Exhibit #4:
Crazy bitch forces me to start an altercation with her

And that’s when I attracted the whiny douchebag cunt fat bitch selfish Manson groupy who decided, much to my chagrin, to fuck with me. Really, her goal was just to force her way in and get as far up to the front. And there’s an accepted social protocol for that, which is: Try to get to the front, and if you can, good for you. If you can’t, you don’t physically force people out of your way. This bitch was like the goddamned road runner. She literally said “excuse me” and pushed against me no less than 30 times. And I tried to fucking excuse myself, but there was no place for me to excuse to.

Yet she was completely determined to make ME move, even though I COULDN’T. She couldn’t possibly try to walk in any other direction. No, the problem was me, apparently! The fucking bitch!!! There was no place to go!! I should point out at this point that she was just mad at the world because she was short and fat and couldn’t see shit — I mean she like 5’2″, but 250-300 lbs fat.

So what does she do? She turns around, puts herself back to back with me, locks her knees, and literally lays down at a 45 degree angle, putting 100% of her body weight on my back at an angle. I literally cannot move. I mean, she was basically trying to lay on me like a bed. She had decided that I and only I should get out of her way, and she was just going to exert as much physical pressure on me as possible, despite me having nowhere to go. If I could have teleported out of there, she would have knocked the back of her head on the concrete floor because she was completely balanced on me. She’d have gotten a concussion. Too bad I lack teleportation skills.

I made eye contact with a nearby brown-eyed hot chick, to verify that something appalling was happening .. And the chick looked at me, had obviously already noticed the fat bitch leaning on me, and conveyed a very obvious, “What the hell is she doing?” look. Her look was that she was appalled. So, I couldn’t move in any direction, and due to her extreme weight, I could not even turn her around to ask her stop. And it was too loud to really have a conversation anyway. She knew what she was doing.

So after about a minute of this, I was in pain from the extra weight of holding this girl up, Carolyn (in front of me) knew something was up, because she said it felt like a mosh pit — and were nowhere near any kind of pit whatsoever.

At that point, I had no other recourse than to do the obvious — I poured my spare drink (ice-water melted from the ice of my 2nd-to-last-drink) on her head. With a wry grin on my face, while making eye-contact with brown-eyed hot-chick. It was incredibly satisfying.

I could have justifiably doused the whole cup on her at once, but I poured very slowly and deliberately, allowing her a chance extricate her from center of gravity without having to face the humility of being totally doused. Allowing her a chance to react like a human being, get the fuck off of me, and maybe you’ll get less wet if you do it sooner.

Of course she couldn’t eat her just desserts and leave well enough alone; she tried to grab my drink and pour it on me. Fortunately I was both smarter and stronger than her, and it’s easier to hold onto a cup than it is to take one from someone. I held on tight and pulled down on the drink. Since she was pulling upwards, this caused drink to fly upwards and hit several people, in a manner that was very obviously caused by the fat bitch. It actually hit everyone around us except for me, since I had the luxury of slightly tilting it away from me at the last second.

At this point, fat batch was in my face (well, more like my neck), and yelling … But of course nearby brown-eyed hot-chick was also in her face, because she saw how the whole thing went down and had, judging from her look, never seen anyone behave like that at a show before. “Why are you spilling drink on my boyfriend?” Stupid fat monster bitch got yelled at by multiple people. Run away. Run away, loser monster.

Still not satisfied with her now twice-damaged pride, the cunt went and got security. Security came and basically told both of us, “I didn’t see what happened, and if I make decisions, it will be to throw everyone out, so you guys have to behave”. It would have sucked to be thrown out because of some stupid bitch, but she had more to lose — anyone willing to sink to such a sociopathic depth obviously likes Marilyn Manson more than me, and thus has more to lose by being kicked out. I wouldn’t have really cared that much, it would have just confirmed my feelings about Ram’s Head Live not being a great venue.

Of course, the drink was my SPARE ICE CUP, and I didn’t lose any alcohol in this. In fact, I kept sipping for a good hour after that. So I got to pour a drink on somebody AND keep drinking my drink. It was like having my cake and eating it too. I was trying to make sure the fat bitch saw me enjoying my drink. Hopefully she would think it was alcohol, and wonder why I still had it after pouring a drink on her. Of course it was all just ice/ice water. I eat it throughout the whole show. Keeps me from fainting like I did at Ween and Soulfly.

So I don’t think I saw the stupid bitch again, except maybe a few glimpses while I was “watching my back”, which I did the rest of the show. Nothing to mar your experience like a highly increased possibility of being sucker-punched. (Fortunately she was too ugly and sociopathic to have a boyfriend along to send after me.) I’ve been sucker tackled at a club by an enemy before, and it’s not cool. Knowing what it feels like just made me that much more paranoid.

Freak Magnet Exhibit #5:
Wait, t
here’s more douchebags?!?!!

Then later some other douchebag comes up and is like.. having conversations with me about the government, how the guy’s “666” shirt in front of me is cool, and just being really annoyingly friendly. Then he started talking about Hillary in 2008, and I was like no way, and then he was like, “What? We can’t have a brother in there!” …. And then I had to try a lot harder to ignore him, suddenly realizing he’s some gross gracist.

That, and everytime he chanted “MANSON”, it sounded like “MASON”. At first, I didn’t even realize this was what was happening, and was like, “Uh, are you chanting Mason??” And he laughed and was like “No, Man-son!” Carolyn was like “WTF is wrong with you Clint?” — I could see it in her eyes. But then he chanted it again, and Carolyn heard how this guy can’t even pronounce “Man-son” right. It’s like yelling makes him unable to say the “n” in Manson. I think it’s his ignorant racist accent.

That, and we both suspected that he was a “probe” set up by the fat bitch to see if we were dicks or not. Which we’re not. I even made it a point to let him get in front of me, if that was the case. (I would have let the fat bitch in front of me during her “Excuse me”-fest, if it had been physically possible!!)

So anyway, this guy probably distracted me for a good 2 songs…. Why am I a freak magnet? I was actually one of the more normal-looking people there. Actually, I need a shave and a haircut.
Real fun.

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A few non-douchebags – of course being a hot chick helps

So after we hit the bathrooms Kat and her girlfriend were standing around, talking about some guy Kat had fucked, and when they were done, he immediately asked, “Do you have an iron?” Apparently he was doorman at a D.C. club or something, and had go back to work. The other girl she was talking to was adamant that she would never fuck that guy again, if she were Kat, based on him saying that. It was pretty funy, because she asked Carolyn if she would have fucked him again after that, and Carolyn was like, “Sure.” They needed a light, we bummed a cigarette from them, I told them to keep the lighter, and then we left. I got home in like 65 minutes. That’s pretty damn good for downtown Baltimore to my house.

And that was that.

I poured a drink on her head, and it was fucking satisfying, and I got to have random people side with me (social vindication) in it.

I intend to revel in this moment for some time now. . . It’s the closest I’ve been to being in a fight for years.

I was honestly scared that I would end up having to clock her (I’d aim for the face), which would probably not work in my favor. But I’d do it if I felt I had to. Her being a woman would have no bearing on that for me, because I’ve never chosen to clock someone in my life. If I’m clocking someone, it’s because I have no choice. So anyway, I’m a feminist in this regard. Women have equal rights to my fist.

But of course I usually avoid a [physical] fight as much as possible, for all the obvious complications it brings, and for all the obvious solutions that it doesn’t. It’ll be a fantasy of mine for some time, though.

Stupid groupie slut.

Susan: Somehow I suspect your art show probably had less douchebags-per-person than the Marilyn Manson concert, and was physically safer too! :)

Anyway….. Attention Marilyn Manson fans: The message in his music is not that you need to go out of your way to be a douchebag.

ALSO SAW WEEN THE NIGHT BEFORE

Random: My favorite drink to order has been, for a few months, vodka+sprite. I got sick of the sours.

And last night: We saw Ween. It was quite awesome. Sit-down venue, and we stole unused seats, so we actually got a good view, despite me slacking on the pre-sale. They played 32 songs, about a 3-hour set. 7:45-10:45ish. We were home by 11:30! Legs not tired, home early — it’s like going to a Moody Blues concert!

The venue, DAR Constitution Hall, was someplace I’d never been before. They sell you multiple drinks at once (no limit), but then you have to drink it before you go into your seat! So you can’t drink (or smoke) at all during the show! At least that ensures no DUIs, but maaaaaan. We had to down 2 Heinekens and 2 vodka-sprites in the course of 5 minutes.

John The Canadien wrote about the ween show (setlist included) HERE, took a LOT of pictures (to be posted later), and went home and hung out with us after the show. We did “Great Balls Of Fire” shots, and watched some Tripping The Rift, Tim & Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!, Xavier: Renegade Angel, and Boondocks before passing out. And he still managed to leave before Carolyn’s alarm the next morning. I wonder how he gets enough sleep.

ALSO SAW WEEN IN NOVEMBER

It warrants mentioning. Ween came to Baltimore in November at the end of their last tour, then started their next tour here in D.C. It was awesome catching them 2 times in such rapid succession. I’ve now seen them 7 times! Unfortunately I missed the first 5 songs during the November show. Vicky & Sean may remember me taking my sweet-ass time to leave, when they were getting ready to go to the They Might Be Giants show instead. I’d have been fine if not for the car accident, waiting for the tow truck, missing my exit, paying 2 tolls, accidentally getting back on the highway after being in the Sonar parking lot (dumbass moment of the month!), and then the lot being full and having to find street parking. Where I promptly got a parking ticket. All in all, counting the gas, I think I paid $120 to see them! Christ man. At least it was about a 29 show set, so per-song it wasn’t terrible.

SEEING VOLTAIRE NEXT SATURDAY

Voltaire is great. The fact that it is nothing at all like what I typically listen to, yet I still like it — hopefully endorses Voltaire’s music better than anything I can actually say about him.

OTHER BIG MUSIC DATES FOR US

KMFDM Brimborium remix album release date: 2/19
Tiamat Amanathes new album: 4/18
Sabbat at JAXX: 4/19
Ministry at Ram’s Head Live: 4/26