I’ve been grabbing a lot of episodes of “cartoons that never should have been” lately. Not for watching, but mostly for having. And laughing at. And fast-forwarding through. And getting a feel of how bad they were. I present you with screenshots from “Potato Head Kids” (1985) (imdb).

http://clint.sheer.us/download/imagedump/p0tath3ad-k!ds-vlcsnap-5968552.jpg

My God. Pain levels while investigating that show met and/or exceeded that of the New Kids On The Block animated series. At least with NKOTB, I can laugh at the real NKOTB. With Potaotohead Kids, I have no real-life scapegoat to direct my feelings at. I loved Mr. Potato Head toys as a kid. They were so dynamic and versatile and creative. I have no one to else (such as New Kids On The Block) to direct my ire at other than the creators of this suckfest. And it hurts. A lot. As Eve once said about another show, roughly paraphrased — “that show hurts my groin”.

http://clint.sheer.us/download/imagedump/p0tath3ad-k!ds-vlcsnap-5969676.jpg

And yes — there were songs. Goddamned songs. Sung by goddamned little potatoes. It made me want to vomit, drink it, and vomit again just for dramatic effect. For just one example, take the theme song:

http://clint.sheer.us/download/imagedump/p0tath3ad-k!ds-vlcsnap-5968521.jpg

They live in a club-house. I’d rather see them burn in a vat of boiling oil and cut to pieces. Because any french fry is better than this crap. As potatoes, it is their duty to report immediately to a suicide booth — for my consumptive pleasures.

http://clint.sheer.us/download/imagedump/p0tath3ad-k!ds-vlcsnap-5968591.jpg

In today’s adventure, they go surfing… Because there weren’t enough bad surfing movies in the 1980s already!

http://clint.sheer.us/download/imagedump/p0tath3ad-k!ds-vlcsnap-5968760.jpg

What would the beach and surf be without some bullies? I guess the natural enemy of the potato is the human, for we eat the hell out of them, so it only makes sense that the evil one would be a human. I guess they never considered that evil potatoes would really increase their profits — you really think the autobots outsold the decepticons?

http://clint.sheer.us/download/imagedump/p0tath3ad-k!ds-vlcsnap-5968889.jpg

Of course the logical way to defeat bullies is to make them dizzy. Apparently potatoes possess the power to run around you in circles so fast that you can’t even stand up afterwards. Hello, Pentagon? You’re missing a military application of potatoes here.

http://clint.sheer.us/download/imagedump/p0tath3ad-k!ds-vlcsnap-5969370.jpg

Uh-oh! Shark attack! Fortunately there are some friendly dolphins here to save us! Because dolphins aren’t violent creatures at all. They’re all like the ones at Sea World!

http://clint.sheer.us/download/imagedump/p0tath3ad-k!ds-vlcsnap-5969963.jpg

Friendly, anthropomorphosized dolphins. You’d think they were played by Frank Welker, except this show had a different vocal director, and a strange set of voice actors I’ve never head of. Yet, collectively, they were nominated for Best Animation Voice Over Group in the 1988 Young Artist Awards.

http://clint.sheer.us/download/imagedump/p0tath3ad-k!ds-vlcsnap-5970286.jpg

…One last thing. Can somebody please tell me why Potato Heads need a Chocolate Factory? Pleeeeeeeeeeease?

http://clint.sheer.us/download/imagedump/p0tath3ad-k!ds-vlcsnap-5970469.jpg

OH THE HUMANITY MAKE IT STOP PLEASE I BEG YOU

For other postings in my series, “Cartoons That Never Should Have Been”, click HERE. Look for a new one every Friday.