movie coverI'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Netflix link] [Wikipedia link] I never would have heard for this, if Lauren had not sent something out (I’d link to it, but I think it was an email) basically saying, “OMG, this sounds AWESOME!” It got a 6.0/10 on IMDB. Jess Weixler starred, but I really didn’t know any of the people in this movie.

QUIRKS: A vagina… with teeth. VAGINA DENTATA! VAGINA DENTATA! VAGINA DENTATA! Need I say more? I don’t think so. But since you didn’t ask — Her step-brother only does anal sex. I guess he was traumatized as a child… by A VAGINA WITH TEETH!!! WOW!

BAD STUFF: A vagina with teeth! Oh dear God no! NOooo! Nooooo!!! They never show it… But they show the result of its handiwork. It’s NOT pretty. Soooooo not pretty. My stomach doesn’t feel nauseous, but I am tensed up. I’ve practically never been so tense during a movie. This must have been what Carolyn felt like when watching Shrooms (to be reviewed later). I was on edge the whole movie. I was affected. It was intense. Intense experiences are awesome!

GENRE CLARIFICATION: This is described as a “black comedy / horror”, but the only thing truly comedic is – A vagina with teeth!!!!! Yes, a VAGINA with TEETH!! It’s definitely not a comedy, and don’t expect to laugh at any time other than reading the reviews for it. And while this movie is not a straight comedy, it is also not a straight horror movie. There are no zombies. There are no monsters. There’s no deliberate murder. In most horror movies, the evil ones murder the good ones; in this movie, the victims are the evil ones. In terms of karma, more horror movies have horrid fates happening to people who don’t deserve it (like big-breasted blonde sluts who would have otherwise had sex with all of us); In this movie, everyone gets close to exactly what they deserve. This is one of the most karmacly-balanced horrors ever. (How do you spell “karmacly”?)

CONCLUSION: A vagina with teeth! Do you honestly need to know anything more? YOU MUST SEE THIS NOW. You heard me — a VAGINA… That has TEETH! WTF?!?! TEETH! Expectations met…and possibly exceeded!

RECOMMENDATION: A vagina with teeth! If you like vaginae OR teeth.. Nevermind. Just see the damn thing. This is a winning gimmick.

MOVIE QUOTE: Dawn: [after having sex with Ryan] “I can’t believe you’re still alive!”

COINCIDENCES: Bridge To Terabithia & Teeth – 2 movies 2 nights in a row both featuring a rope swing in the woods.

FRIENDS’ RATINGS: I’m the first to see this other than Lauren, who said it was awesome. (more…)