My Parody Religion Is Better Than Your Parody Religion … or: How I Survived X-Day XI [2008]
Day Two

(READ ABOUT DAY ONE HERE…)

As mentioned in day one … we went to bed the drunkest we have both been at once all year. Maybe all decade. And woke up at 4:30AM to save our stuff from the rain…. Then slept… Then:

Some really annoying helicopters went overhead for no damn good reason at all (this is a very rural area), waking us up. Can’t even be free enough to sleep in in a tent in the middle of the woods in this country! They were VERY close helicopters. Finally, around 8:15AM, the hunger was unbearable, so we rose.

It was still raining. It would continue to rain non-stop until 1:30PM, never raining again the whole weekend. When we woke up in the morning, we freaked out. We were also wet. The inside of the tent was wet. The only dry parts were inside our sleeping bags. I had slept with no pillow, either. It was STILL raining — non-stop for 4 hours now. Our morning conversation went something like this:

Carolyn: “Where’s my cellphone?” Clint: “I don’t know!”
Clint: “Where’s my wallet?” Carolyn: “No clue!!”
Carolyn: “What about our cigarettes?” Clint: “I have no idea!!!”
Clint: “Where’s the camera?!” Carolyn: “I don’t know!!!!!”
Carolyn: “Where’s our camping backpacks?” Clint: “Fuck if I know!!!!! We better get up!!!!!”

It took us awhile to find everything; it was like reconstructing a crime scene. Things were in the truck, but in places that we didn’t remember. I had an INCREDIBLE headache, which was described in our handwritten travel journal as “OH FUCK SO FUCKING HUNG OVER MY FUCKING HEAD HURT LIKE HELL” written in maniacally large letters. (At Assateague, everyone breezed right past the X-Day session, because I tend to fill an entire page up without breaks. But I do this to conserve paper, ya tree-haters!). Carolyn joked that someone must have given us a roofie — and we overheard someone else make the exact same joke too. Funny.

I also was able to correctly recall just how much we drank, and it turned out that we both had about 80 oz each. (6+ beers equivalent, which included a shot of tequila and a swig of whisky from various people). This is a lot for us, and was in violation of our “One forty good, two forties bad” rule that we had learned from a previous camping trip where we both got way more drunk than we wanted. We also had had NO DINNER, so we were doing this on mostly-empty stomaches. NOT a good idea. This would explain a lot, including why Carolyn had to puke some at the Four Flushers.

The guy in the stall next to her asked, “Is everyone alright in there?” Carolyn replied, “We’re fine.” Which was weird, because I wasn’t present for this. The guy responded, “No dying until Saturday”. [For the uninitiated, Saturday, 7/5, is the RUPTURE.]

The guy ended up next to Carolyn at the sinks and talked about getting old — because he does the same thing in the morning.

So, as mentioned before, it was STILL raining from the 4:30AM storm. It was quite cold, compared to the extreme heat of the day before. When we went to the other tents, we were pleased to find that someone had saved our camping chairs from getting soaked. A lot of people were under Rev. Eggplant’s(?) small pavilian/cabana structure. About 8-12 people were able to cram under it. Carolyn went back to sleep until 9ish while Clint hung out alone for 30 minutes or so, and eventually Carolyn re-joined Clint.

Good conversation was had. We talked about the FAIL blog, having to explain it to the one person who didn’t know what we were talking about. Just as I finished my explanation, 808 & Christie fell through the camping furniture (a large 4-person folding plastic picnic table) they were sitting on. “FAIL“, I quickly said, providing an example for what we were talking about to the few people there who weren’t familiar with the FAIL blog. Everyone had a big laugh, and of course pictures were taken before they got up (P.S. Please wear underwear next time, 808):

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Christie and 808 – Camping Table FAIL (by Christie)

Another person we ended up hanging out with and talking with a lot was Rev. Panik. Surprisingly, a lot of these SubGeniuses had been in the army — which makes zero sense to me. The army is the antithesis of SLACK to me. So anyway, Rev. Panik was talking about what it was like being in the army during the Furby craze. I had mentioned that they are really creepy when you skin them, which he had done! Anyway, MY furby was skinned due to dying from shaken Furby syndrome when a co-worker brought his girlfriend (who should not be a parent) over. She killed my Furby!

But Rev. Panik skinned his Furby for more utilitarian purposes. He eventually re-wired its audio inputs directly to a portable CD-player headhpone jack, and pumped metal music into his Furby for a week straight. During this week, many of the army people had been discovered to have Furbies, so finally the sarge got pissed off an ordered all the soldiers to retrieve their Furbies. Yelling in a stereotypical sarge-like manner, he ordered that the Furbies all be arranged in formation. Rev. Panik’s bad was apparently farther away than everyone else’s, so by the time he retrieved his skinned Furby, everyone elses Furbies were already lined up in formation.

The sarge gave Rev. Panik a hard time about his Furby being skinned, asking why in the hell he did that? Rev. Panik told him, “Sir, Furbies are a scourge on the planet, and all of them must be destroyed. I took it apart to understand how to better destroy them.” The sarge orders him to deploy his Furby into the formation with the rest of the Furbies. He flips it on, and it yells some random heavy metal stuff from the past week of constant music input. “NOOOWWW!! LISTEN!!!! NOOOWWWW!!!” At that point, every other Furby in the formation said, “I’m scared” in unison. I would LOOOVE to see that scene. Rev. Panik’s Furby was banned from the Furby Brigade.

We decided to go into town and pick up enough beer and cigarettes for the rest of the weekend. The “Amish Crossing” signs were funny — you usually only see those types of yellow ‘crossing’ signs for animals and children. We got to the store and realized a huge mistake we had made: Not getting cigarettes in VIRGINIA, one of the cheapest tobacco states. Particularly notable was that a pack of Newports cost $6.66. What the government doesn’t seem to realize is that when they price legal drugs at a price higher than what can be had on the street, that they basically create a criminal incentive for black market cigarette trading. If they raised cigarettes much more, people would start getting them from the same illegal drug dealers that deal other drugs. Politicians should be forced to take Economics 101.

Anyway, we got a couple cases of beer and a couple packs of cigarettes. Quite expensive. No credit cards; cash only.

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Air shrine sign outside of Pavilion – our view while playing rummy in the shade

The rain finally stopped around 1:30PM, right before the officially scheduled events starting at 2PM. We grabbed some beer — it seemed like someone had taken some out of our cooler, because we should have had more than 6 left. Oh well. We made it to the pavilion in advance, and played some rummy on one of the 2 cable-spool wooden tables there. After 6 hands, I was leading Carolyn 315 to 160 — but we would have to wait until the next day to get to the 500 point goal.

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pagan art right outside of the pavilion

The pavilion itself was quite interesting. Lots of SubGenius stuff adorned the walls, including this full-size J.R. “Bob” Dobbs which caused me to do multiple double-takes:

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Bob. Not real.

We also whipped out some of our “visual enhancement toys” from college, and had some fun taking pictures through that:

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Carolyn & Clint – through the trippy toy

A dude hooked up the audio equipment, and I asked him if it was daunting. He said he just hopes that he remembers how to do it from last year. I was not jealous of this task:

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Setting up sound equipment

Registration commenced, and we brought our piece of paper that said we had already paid. Armbands (which some put on their ankles) were given out as proof of payment.

Stang and Dr. Hal ran their live Hour Of Slack. After listening to the Hour Of Slack on and off for so many years (especially in 2007, at work, with my office-mate Mark U), it was an honor to be present during the creation of one. During the live Hour Of Slack, they passed aorund posterboard for people to draw on. I don’t think the 2 were actually related. Though later, at another recording, they passed around pieces of paper for people to write down their inner demons and gorillas. Another time, they passed around pieces of paper for questions for Dr. Hal.

I had the opportunity to participate in the “Ask Dr. Hal” session. Dr. Hal is very good at giving 3-minute answers to 3-second questions. I cheated and slipped in a “two part question”, that was really 2 questions:

1) Why is the sky?
2)Why does The Conspiracy value cleanliness so much?

Awesomely, Dr. Hal managed to talk for six minutes to answer these 2 questions. Eventually, the Hour Of Slack radio show broadcast my answers. I extracted them and re-hosted them for my personal posterity. Now presenting: Dr. Hal Answers Clint’s 2 Questions:

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Hour Of Slack recording – Rev. Ivan Stang & Dr. Hal (from SubGenius.com)

Around this point, it was so cold Clint had to go and put on his longjohns. And this was while the sun was up, despite blistering temperatures the day before.

They then had day 1 of the Bulldada Auction, auctioning off various weird items. A Jesus Christ tapestry? $7.

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Bulldada auction – Jesus tapestry

A book on cults around the world was won by Rev. Egg plant. I didn’t get to bid because I was in the bathroom. I asked to look at it, and it included 2 pages on my grandad’s cult, The Church Universal and Triumphant. Neat! The book did NOT include anything about The Church Of The SubGenius. Still, reading about my grandfather’s cult while standing in the middle of another cult was priceless! :)

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Church Universal And Triumphant, my grandad Mark Prophet’s cult

Anyway, at the auction, they had announced a “beer tasting” event, which was really just an excuse to direct a few (15-25?) people towards the Qwijibo-A-Go-Go Lunge, and a giant inflatable couch. This was around 5 or 6PM.

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campsites on our way to the lounge

Sometime during the day, Clint also ran into Suzie The Floozie assembling the “Why NOT A Goat?” goat. This is a tribute to Mary Magdelen’s legal problems — she lost custody of her child for attending SubGenius events, but the judge eventually had to recuse himself after BoingBoing brought attention to his obvious religious leanings, abusive conduct, and failure to separate his religious views from his professional conduct. She lost custody again, and then daddy got a felony drunk driving conviction, so she finally won custody again. But not before paying $120,000 in legal fees. Paypal donations can still be sent to magdalen@subgenius.com. Imagine if 120,000 people gave her $1? Several pictures of the goat were taken in various stages of construction over the weekend. Look for more later:

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Susie The Floozie assembles the fake goat, including the insertion of a fake vagina
Later, someone filled it with a white sticky substance to freak out anyone who put anything in it.
It worked.

Even the bathrooms were entertaining. Susie had put up signs in all the bathrooms saying: “Jenkem huffing chamber & fermentation station. Do not flush!” CotS really latched on to the jenkem meme when it came out!

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Jenkem huffing chamber

And this sign was already in the bathrooms when we got there:

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I hope you have heard the song White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane.

We were a little worn out, and had actually stopped drinking around 2PM, after having about 4 beers each. So we did not socialize much. We napped in our chairs some–or was that just Carolyn? A video was posted on YouTube, and we are completely missing from it despite having been there. We talked with Rev. Comma Door(sp?) and his friend. Carolyn hid behind the inflatable couch:

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Carolyn sitting by inflatable couch

Stang and Dr. Hal were there, but since we were not feeling very social we never approached Stang. We should have, but…. Sooo tired at this point. We needed naps, or at least to be zombies for awhile.

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Lord Cyclohexane & Rev. Panik met Dr. Hal (from SubGenius.com)

This other dude apparently got stoned for his first time ever or something — after some serious drinking. He lied on the grass for quite some time. Some people were a bit concerned, as were we — but he was alive.

Later, he started puking up what mostly water and beer, while simultaneously attempting to crawl away. So he was crawling in the pukey grass he’d just puked on. It was quite a spectacle. I should have taken a video. The fact that he was wearing a white button-up shirt and black tie (everybody dresses strange and ran dom) made it that much funnier:

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Quijibo A-Gogo Lounge – guy passed out in grass

Near the lounge there was a neon “Bob” sign. How do these things get hooked up? Are they here all the time? Where do they go after X-Day?

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Neon Bob sign

After that(?), we decided to have some hotdogs for dinner. Not wanting to build a fire, we got our buns, put our condiments on, put our hotdogs onto hotdog forks, and began wandering towards fires. The de facto “main” fire (inasmuch as there was anything “main” … “main” here means there were usually 10-15 people around this particular fire) did not have open flames at the moment — which was about the only moment it didn’t. We wandered up towards the main pavilion a bit, to the front of the field, and found an open fire that we approached. This is where we met Gypsy Prime, James, Tangent & his girlfriend, and Rev. Panik was apparently part of this group as well. We also met “Red” from last night — though Clint had no recollection of meeting him the previous night. He had taken the name Reggie Zus. Christie and 808 from down by Eggplant’s mini-pavilian hung out at this campsite that night as well.

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808 and Tangent

It turns out that we would hang out with the people who’s campfire this was most of the rest of the weekend. They had fire. They were low-key. We were near another campsite that actually played music I liked at points — always a surprise (White Zombie followed by Midnight Oil’s “Beds Are Burning”, and then Sex Pistols? You mean I’m not the only one who would ever do that?). Gary (Cuzbuggery aka Captain Velcro) and his skinny girlfriend were there a lot too.

Gary had a canteen, but it was not for water. James asked – “So if you put gin & vermouth in it, does that make it a cantini?” Laughter ensued.

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Christie & 808, Gary and his cantini in the background

The guy (in the picture above) from ANONYMOUS also showed up, as SubGenius had invited ANONYMOUS to X-Day via YouTube videos.

He was incredibly drunk. He had also never SEEN a campfire until the day before, and was acting kind of childish and amazed by it. He got a hold of a pack of matches, and it was like he’d never seen a match before. He stole Carolyn‘s chair and wouldn’t give it back to her when asked. He bummed a beer, but then later we drank some of his. He would go off, and then come back.

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Cuzbuggery’s girlfriend & Anonymous

He got a burning stick out of the fire and was amazed that he could write with the “suit”. (He tried to say “soot”, and Clint was the first in the group to decipher that he was saying “soot” and not “suit”. Accents are funny!) So he wrote, “I Rock” on a beer case cardboard. His amusement was simultaneously annoying yet amusing:

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Anonymous is easily amused with soot

Then ANONYMOUS had the great idea of putting a full beer into the campfire. Me & Carolyn & Christie hid behind the tent while everyone else stood within 3 feet of the beer as it slowly boiled off, sounding like a tea kettle. I took 90 seconds of video or so, though really all there was was audio — the video was mostly black. But the sounds were captured:

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beer bottle in fire met with casual indifference you would not get from pinks


‘video’ of beer bottle boiling

Ultimately steam shot from under the bottle cap, towards the bottom of the bottle, until it was completely empty. They’d successfully wasted a beer.

The great thing about SubGenii is that in a normal pink crowd, you would have had people getting mad about this, and other people whining about it, and other people saying, “Get that out of the fire!” With a SubGenius crowd, nobody asks for permission for anything, or really gives a shit what you do. Thus the whole endeavor of bottle-in-fire ended, and 5 minutes later it was like it never happened.

Granted, Christie and us didn’t want to be within direct line-of-site to the bottle; but we didn’t care that they were doing it. We just thought they were crazy. Apparently we were crazy because the bottle was harmless.

Other antics included the HUGEST JAWBREAKER EVER, which was passed around. Several people spent over a minute each trying to get it in their mouths. I guess I’m a germophobe:

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Reggie Zus with huge jawbreaker

We did take a respite from the group to walk around and check out the area a bit more.

MANY tents had strange, eerie lights designed to be weird:

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strange light over tent

In any direction, you could see shadowy figures walking:

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shadowy people on a shadowy planet

And of course, loud music was being played at the pavilion most of the time. We noticed a Black Sabbath cover at one point. You really didn’t have to go to the pavilion to hear the music.

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creepy green light near the pavilion

The weirdness just kept going:

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creepy zombie face icon

and going:

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tiki shrine

…and going.

It was around then that the next “drive-in” movie was being played outside at the movie-stage, but we unfortunately never made it to any movie again after Dead Man. Some bands were playing in the main pavilion, and you could hear them everywhere.

As we approached that area, we heard some surf-rock instrumental that may or may not have been “Miserlou”. But we didn’t stick around. Some people went to the hottub. Christie & 808 said they’d come back, left, and never came back. :)

At some point, Cuzbuggery/Gary/Captain Velcro was very, very, very drunk. He got ‘lost’. His skinny girlfriend came to look for him, and he wasn’t around. So she left. Then he came up to the campsite stumbling around (don’t fall in the fire!) and I quickly said, “Go! Go! Go! She went that way! She’s looking for you!”

Much debate ensued as to whether this was the best course of action, or if he should simply wait at the campfire. The thing is, how long would it be before girlfriend came back to the campfire? Probably awhile. I’d hate to search everywhere only to find out the person I was searching for was right there where my search began. And it turns out they got re-united within 5-10 minutes anyway, so I think this was the right thing to do. Besides, pointing drunk people in random directions is fun! (And the direction wasn’t random anyway.)

A lot of campfire talk was had, and finally Carolyn was tired and went to bed. Not content to go to bed right away, I sat at another fire, absolutely zombified, participating 0% in any conversation — but listening — for a good 15 minutes. The fire inexplicably had an inextinguishable green flame in it, yet another weird thing doubtlessly done on purpose by some SubGenius:

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green flame in fire

Finally I said ‘screw it’ and went to bed. *Everything* inside our tent was completley soaked except the inside of my sleeping bag. I used my leahter jacket and some of Carolyn‘s dirty clothes as a pillow. I asked Carloyn if she was alive, and she was. (She vaguely remembered this. I didn’t.)

READ ABOUT DAY THREE HERE….

READ ABOUT DAY ONE HERE…

See also: Doktor Holocaust’s X-Day reviews: Day 1, Day 2, Day 3, Day 4. And the official reports from SubGenius.com.