In response to my tweet:

“Accidentally bought white bread because it was cheaper at the $ store. Why do people eat it? Flavorless, substanceless, nutritionless. Boring.”

A surprising number of people responded on Facebook, but Joe R was the only one who preferred white bread. His complaint was that other bread was too dry. To each his own, but this seemed silly to me, since ALL bread is inherently dry. I can’t eat ANY bread without major condiments. I can’t even swallow one bite of a baguette without water; I’m physically incapable of getting it moist enough to swallow without choking me.

Want to kill me painfully? Hold a gun to my head and force me to eat a baguette.

So I had joked that I always use a shitload of condiments (my sandwich today had mayonaisse, mustard, and salsa on it) to keep my bread moist. I said if I was a supervillain, I’d be the condiment king. Except I typo’ed, and wrote “suppervillain”. I liked that typo a lot, and left it in. Some people rolled their eyes behind their monitors in other cities.

Enter Jeremy, with the comment-of-the-week award winning rant about The Condiment King suppervillain:

Condiment King? Mayonnaise no end to his villainy! Really, you never know what that catsup to. You’d butter be careful: if he ever mustard his strength, it would make you s’aioli crap, that guy’s dangerous, worcestershire magnitude of his evil? When it comes to suppervillainy, he’s tapatio ‘le heap! To defeat him would be to vinegar ‘eat battle. I snuck up to his window just to get a pico de gallo, man, it was scary. Tabasc, o, even for a second in his glory… I wasabi ‘ng like a frightened child.

Man… This takes me back to the wittiness of the BBS era — where I originally met Jeremy.

Great job.

Mood: full of overly-priced expensive Panera food that would not be worth it w/o the gift card
Music: Pixies – Bird Dream Of The Olympus Mons