Tuesday, February 16th, 2010


 movie coverI'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Netflix link] We watched the Special Edition with Parthena, who owns the original DVD. I thought I’d seen this before, but no. Don’t think I had. Carolyn thinks she has, though.

LIMERICK REVIEW: There once was a boy named Conan,
who grew up to be quite a ronin.
With revenge on his mind,
his destiny he would find.
Meanwhile always seeming to get the woman.

alternate last line:
With enough violence to make me go “Whoa, man.”

HAIKU BY PARTHENA, PRIOR TO DRIVING OVER: The clock is ticking;
I am on my way to watch
Arnold swing a sword.

PEOPLE: Arnold Schwarzenegger. James Earl Jones (once again claiming to basically be someone’s father, more or less) … And damn is he an evil douche in this movie! …And Mako! We immediately recognized Mako’s narrating voice as Aku from Samurai Jack. And later, he came on-screen — our first time seeing his face. Sandahl Bergman as the blonde-haired brown-eyed Valeria (too bad her career went to the crapper… I’ll have to keep an eye for her in Airplane 2). She lost a fingertip to a sword while filming. Gerry Lopez, a famous surfer, as Subotai.

QUIRKS: A fantasy world with demons, giant snakes, swords and sorcery. Gladiator fights, extreme violence, camel-punching, organized cults, and a quest to be fulfilled. A quest for revenge. Arnold sure gets laid a lot in this movie. Though, one of these is best described as lycanthrocoitus interruptus.

VISUALS: Damn good, visually, for something made in 1981/1982. This movie was years ahead of its time, apparently. Director John Milius, whose directing career is over, but also brought us Red Dawn (the first widely distributed PG-13 movie ever) — should really have been allowed to have made more notable movies.

MORALS: Revenge is yummy! If someone kills your parents and your village — and gets away with it… There’s nothing wrong with spending a few decades to make sure they pay! Justice is a bitch!

FUN TRIVIA: The fake blood used in the film came in the form of a concentrate, which had to be mixed with water prior to use. Due to the cold weather, it was mixed with vodka (as an anti-freeze) instead. In the scenes in which the actors were supposed to spit the blood, they would swallow it instead, then go back to the special effects man for more.

CONCLUSION: 4/5 stars on Netflix. 8/10 on IMDB. A solid fantasy/adventure/action/revenge flick. It loses a few points for being a bit incoherent and all over the place, but that might have just been the alcohol in my system.

RECOMMENDATION: Fantasy lovers, violence lovers, action lovers… Even Ahhhnold lovers should really see this. It’s good entertainment! I’m totally going to watch Conan The Destroyer now!

I also did not realize there was a TV series or a new movie to come out in 2010.

MOVIE QUOTE: Valeria: Do you want to live forever?

FRIENDS’ RATINGS: Parthena & Jordan loved it. Christian D really liked it. Ian liked it. Glen didn’t like it (unsurprised). Benj was not interested in it (surprised). Dave O rented it but needs to rate it :) (more…)