movie coverI'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Netflix link]

PEOPLE: Arnold Schwarzenegger and Mako (Aku from Samurai Jack) reprise their roles. Olivia d’Abo (the older sister in The Wonder Years, TAK in Invader Zim, Wayne’s World) as the sexy virgin princess with heaving breasts. Her first film. Wilt Chamberlain as the insanely tall Bombaata. Grace Jones as Zula, the scary black chick warrior. She *totally* should have played Storm in an X-Men movie. Halle Berry was sooooo wrong for that role. Tracey Walter (Erin Brockovich, Man On The Moon, City Slickers, Batman 1989, Repo Man) as the comedic relief — a thief who was kind of annoying. Sarah Douglas as the bitchy queen. She played Una in one episode of Gargoyles, was in V, Space:1999, and was Ursa in Superman 1 & 2. Also, there was an uncredited part played by Andre The Giant!

No James Earl Jones, or Sandahl Bergman… [highlight for spoilers] But that makes sense, since they died in Conan The Barbarian. But hey, here’s some Sandahl Bergman for you anyway:


and:

^^^ the confusing effects at the beginning are basically what a lot of Tim And Eric Awesome Show,Great Job! makes fun of!!

QUIRKS: Epic fantasy quest! Horny virgin! Magic, fire, and ice! Resurrection of evil gods!

VISUALS: Really good fantasy world visuals for a movie made in 1985.

SOUNDTRACK: Well… I recognized a song as being from the first movie. There wasn’t exactly a noticeable soundtrack other than that.

CONCLUSION: I actually pretty much liked very close to as much as I liked the first one. Sure, we don’t get the childhood origin story, but that’s really true for any sequel, and it’s a bit unfair to count that against the movie. The bad guys aren’t as cool as James Earl Jones, or those demons in the night, but it was still a “fantasy quest that I really liked”. Some of the set/settings reminded me of The Dark Crystal for some reason.

RATINGS: Netflix: Clint: 4/5 stars, Carolyn: 3/5 stars. IMDB: 7/10.

RECOMMENDATION: If you saw Conan The Barbarian, you should definitely check this out.

MOVIE QUOTE: Jehnna: I suppose nothing hurts you.
Conan: Only pain.

COINCIDENCES: (Conan The Destroyer, Super Capers) In the same night as watching Conan with Arnold Schwarzenegger, Super Capers had a robot that sounded like Arnold Schwarzenegger, including saying “I’ll be back”.

FRIENDS’ RATINGS: Jordan really liked it. Parthena liked it. Ian didn’t like it, and I’d like to hear why, even though I would disagree :)

Mood: meh
Music: KMFDM – Bargeld