May 2011


 movie coverI'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Netflix link] Not to be confused with American Virgin (2000) (with Mena Suvari!), which is another movie we’ve seen. American Virgin (2000) was an interesting and passable (though low-rated) social commentary focusing on the “new” internet, while American Virgin (2009) was more of a feelgood comedy.

PLOT SUMMARY: A virgin on a college celibacy scholarship ends up accidentally getting drunk and being filmed on Girls Gone Wild (called “Chicks Go Crazy” in the movie). They go on a quest to try to recover the footage, so she doesn’t lose her celebacy scholarship.

UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): [highlight for spoilers] Virginity wasted on hot girl.

PEOPLE: Starring Jenna Dewan (The Grudge 2, and a tiny part in The Hot Chick, and soon to be in the new Melrose Place) as the virgin, Rob Schneider (SNL) as the Girls Gone Wild guy, Brianne Davis as the super-hot, cool, trouble making, free-spirited roommate.

QUIRKS: Going to college. Sexual repression. Road trips. Girls gone wild. NOT related to the American Pie movies.

VISUALS: Lots of pretty girls to look at.

MORALS: Virginity pledges are stupid. Saving yourself for marriage is a waste of life.

BAD STUFF: Rob Schneider will be on many people’s “bad stuff” list — so know that he’s hardly in the movie.

Somewhat predictable.

CONCLUSION: Despite not being the most unique movie, this was pretty fun. A coming-of-age story about a pretty, repressed virgin who finally learns to get her priorities straight.

RATINGS:
Clint: Netflix: 3/5 stars. IMDB: 7/10.
Carolyn: Netflix: 3/5 stars. IMDB: 6/10. “Entertaining. Not terrible. Not especially funny.”
The native public rating for this movie is Netflix: 3.1/5 stars. IMDB: 4.3/10 (when we watched this, there had not yet been 5 votes, but by the time this report was posted, the rating was 4.3/10).

RECOMMENDATION: If a somewhat generic road trip college comedy about a college virgin coming of age sounds interesting, you’ll enjoy this. If you’re tired of National Lampoon/American Pie-esque low-grade direct-to-video comedies, you might not enjoy this.

SIMILAR MOVIES: Has been called “Road Trip for girls”. But I don’t really remember Road Trip…
Miss March also shares similarities, what with the main character being a virgin.

COINCIDENCES: (Transformers:Revenge Of The Fallen, American Virgin) 2 movies in the same night with people who have their first day in college and immediately attempt to change roommates, as well as people *unknowingly* eating pot brownies.
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 movie coverI'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Netflix link]

HAIKU REVIEW: Most of us hate bugs;
Genetic engineering
only makes them worse.

UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): [highlight for spoilers] Cockroaches lead to complications, including missing homeless & children.

PEOPLE: Directed by Guillermo del Toro (Pan’s Labyrinth, Hellboy 1 & 2, and the upcoming Hobbit movies). I thought that would mean this would automatically be good. But in his defense, he disowned the movie after studio interference — and wont work with the Weinsteins anymore.

Starring Mira Sorvino, Jeremy Northam, Charles S. Dutton (Gothika, Se7en, Stephen King’s Cat’s Eye), Josh Brolin, Giancarlo Giannini.

Why are screenwriters Matt Greenberg and John Sayles uncredited in the movie, but credited in some trailers and TV spots? Is it because this sucked?

VISUALS: Yea, some really gross bug stuff. If you ever wanted to experience the Alien movie in an urban setting, it might look like this, except better.

MORALS: Cops that seem like jerks are actually heroes. Hahahahaha.

BAD STUFF: Slow and boring! Where was the excitement?!?! Characters weren’t that likeable either.

CONCLUSION: Gullermo Del Toro does not automatically make a movie good, though he did disown this one, so that says something. Basically, they took a premise that could have been a “generic pass horror movie”, and made it worse than generic. It’s pretty hard to fuck up making a generic movie, but they did. It was slow-paced and boring. These were the similar problems I had with the movie Avalon, but at least Avalon was based on a kick-ass concept that was way more interesting than this piece of garbage was.

RATINGS:
Clint: Netflix: 2/5 stars. IMDB: 5/10.
Carolyn: Netflix: 2/5 stars. IMDB: 5/10.
The native public rating for this movie is Netflix: 3.1/5 stars (2.8/5 stars for people who rate like me), IMDB 5.7/10.

RECOMMENDATION: Stay away from this. Even the movie Infestation is better — but still not a great movie.

SIMILAR MOVIES: There’s 2 sequels?!?!?! WHY, oh why?!?!?

MOVIE QUOTE: [on insect’s inner motivation]
Dr. Gates: Can I eat it or will it eat me?

But to more accurately capture the suckiness of this film, here’s another quote:

Peter Mann: Leonard, have you ever seen anything like this before?
Leonard: Why you asking me if I’ve seen some shit like this before? Do I look like I’ve seen some shit like this before? Hell, no I ain’t never seen no shit like this before. Who the fuck would wanna climb up one of these walls and hang one of these? Musta been a big elephant-ass motherfucker.

FRIENDS’ RATINGS: Ian didn’t like it.
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