movie coverI'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Netflix link]

PLOT SUMMARY: Kill original vampire before he learns how to make all vampires walk in daylight. Wasn’t this the plot of Blade? Someone should make a chart of vampire movies. Columns for plot elements, rows for movies. I bet a lot would have the “stop them from daywalking” column X’ed out.

UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): [highlight for spoilers] Catholocism creates deadly complications.

PEOPLE: Directed by John Carpenter (Escape From New York, In The Mouth Of Madness, Prince Of Darkness, Big Trouble In Little China, Starman).

Starring James Woods (Videodrome, Cat’s Eye, and a voice in Final Fantasy:The Spirits Within–and don’t forget the Family Guy episode all about him), Daniel Baldwin (Clark Remington from the horribly underrated National Lampoon’s Beach Party At The Threshold Of Hell), Sheryl Lee (Laura Palmer from Twin Peaks), and Thomas Ian Griffith as the head/original vampire.

Sheryl Lee sure likes to play party girls who get fucked up, abducted, tied up, and taken over by supernatural forces.

QUIRKS: Based on a book. Which almost means nothing in the context of a generic vampire-killing flick. Especially since the author said the film ended up containing a lot of his dialog, but none of his plot. (And the dialog was some of the worst part, so I wonder if the book totally sucked!)

VISUALS: Generic action.

SOUNDTRACK: Unnoticeable.

MORALS: Kill vampires. Blame their creation on Catholicism. Funny!

BAD STUFF: The plot wasn’t the greatest. And some of the dialog was pretty bad.

I kept saying “just burn the building down or knock the roof off! Then the sun will get them! Dumbasses!” [highlight for spoilers] But they saved that obvious move for the ending fight.

And then there was the whole, [highlight for spoilers] “Wah wah, once we kill the master you’ll be fine, Sheryl Lee.” And then they did and they weren’t. No explanation. There were still vampires even though they killed the head/master/original vampire. WTF.

CONCLUSION: Ultra-generic vampire-killing movie with very few special effects, characters, interesting locations, or unique aspects.

RATINGS:
Clint: Netflix: 3/5 stars. IMDB: 6/10.
Carolyn: Netflix: 3/5 stars. IMDB: 6/10.
The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 5.8/10, Netflix: 3.3/5 stars (Netflix‘s predicted rating for us was 2.9/5 stars).

RECOMMENDATION: Stay away from this, unless you really want to see every vampire movie ever made. SOME people really like this, though. And we’re still gonna watch the sequel.

SIMILAR MOVIES: Every other generic vampire-killing movie in existence. But Blade definitely come to mind.

MOVIE QUOTE:

Jack Crow: Can I ask ya somethin’, Padre? When I was kickin’ your ass back there… you get a little wood?

Jack Crow: You ever seen a vampire?
Father Adam Guiteau: No I haven’t.
Jack Crow: No… Well first of all, they’re not romantic. Its not like they’re a bunch of fuckin’ fags hoppin’ around in rented formal wear and seducing everybody in sight with cheesy Euro-trash accents, all right? [Do they sparkle? -Clint] Forget whatever you’ve seen in the movies: they don’t turn into bats, crosses don’t work. Garlic? You wanna try garlic? You could stand there with garlic around your neck and one of these buggers will bend you fucking over and take a walk up your strada-chocolata WHILE he’s suckin’ the blood outta your neck, all right? And they don’t sleep in coffins lined in taffata. You wanna kill one, you drive a wooden stake right through his fuckin’ heart. Sunlight turns ’em into crispy critters.

Mood: haha
Music: Pixies – Cecilia Ann