movie coverI'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Netflix link] While the Twilight movies are not awesome, incredible, great, or even really good… They are in fact in the passable to decent range, despite how much people who’ve never watched them love to make fun of them. Hell, I love to make fun of them too.

But vampire stories have always had romance. And romance movies have always been released. Why is nobody making fun of awful girlie crap like Where The Heart Is or Anywhere But Here? I guess it’s only fun to have the opposite opinion of a bunch of teenage girls.

To that end, I understand. I make fun of Hannah Montana even though I’ve never heard her music. But I also don’t consider that to be true music criticism. OMG vampires that sparkle, how horrible!! Yes, all vampire movies must be exactly the same!

Well — Twilight 3 had about 30 seconds of sparkling. And a few minutes of painful romance. But the rest? Interplay between groups of vampires and werewolves. Y’know what? If vampires and werewolves are in a movie, I’m watching it. So fuck you.

And you know what? EVEN THE DIRECTOR made fun of Twilight. But then he was chosen as director for Twilight 3, and withdrew his remarks. Pretty funny.

PEOPLE: blah blah same ones. Kristin Stewart was wearing a wig?!! Damn Bryce Dallas Howard is hot. That other chick was Scott Pilgrim‘s sister? The Bauhaus singer was in this?!?

UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): Bella attempts to avoid having an undead hymen.

QUIRKS: Vampires. Werewolves. Romance. New vampires. I think everyone knows what goes on in these movies…

POLITICS: The censors required that the wolves have no genitalia whenever they appear on screen. I shit you not.

MORALS: Choice.. love.. blah blah.. Really though, having to choose between two people, when you love them both, must really suck. I’m glad I don’t really have to deal with that :)

And oh, choosing to become a vampire would indeed be a tough choice. Watching everyone you know die, etc, etc… I’d still do it, though. Even if it meant having to kill humans.

GOOD STUFF: Vampires. Werewolves. Four factions with their own agendas.

BAD STUFF: Well.. Bella and Edward certainly are made for each other. And I don’t mean that in a completely positive way. Between her stalkey obsessiveness, and his deceitful attempts to keep her safe by lying to her… They truly deserve each other. And I don’t mean that in a completely positive way :)

CONCLUSION: Definitely better than Twilight 2–not [quite] as annoying and emo. They had a cuddly romantic scene at the beginning and end, but overall there wasn’t quite so much annoyance with this one. It seems like the story has progressed, and the last 2 movies might be the most interesting ones yet. We shall see.

Clint: Netflix: 3/5 stars. IMDB: 6.6/10. (Vs. 2.8/5, 5.9/10 for Twilight 2, and a 3/5, 7/10 for Twilight 1.)
Carolyn: Netflix: 3/5 stars. IMDB: 6/10. (Vs. 2.6/5, 5.5/10 for Twilight 2, and a 3/5, 7/10 for Twilight 1.)

(I was only gonna rate it 6/10, or 6.4/10, but then I looked back at the first Twilight movie, and it was rated 7/10. I thought this was pretty comparable, or maybe even better than the first one, so I adjusted up to 6.6/10. I still only consider this “decent”, not good. So I might be adjusting my ratings too much here.)

The native public rating for this movie on IMDB seems to be VERY gamed by the batch of Twilight-hating sheeple who rate movies they don’t even watch: 4.8/10. That is unrealistically low, and definitely voted on by many people who didn’t watch it.

But you take a pay service like Netflix, where people actually watch the movies they rate because they pay for the Netflix service, and you get a completely different rating: 4.3/5 stars on average. Which is quite high. Netflix‘s predicted rating for us was 3.5/5 stars–it knows we like this less than the true average.

It’s very funny how our IMDB rating is higher than average, and our Netflix rating is lower than average. IMDB and Netflix voters are two different animals in some situations.

RECOMMENDATION: Most people have already made up their mind here.

SIMILAR MOVIES: Twilight 2 & 3 have shades of Underworld, what with a war between vampires and werewolves happening. But these movies are far more romance-oriented than most vampire/werewolf fantasy movies.


Edward Cullen: [about Jacob] Doesn’t he own a shirt?
^ Lol. Reminds me of Date Night where Steve Carell keeps asking Mark Wahlberg to take off his shirt.

COINCIDENCES: (Twilight 3: Eclipse, real life) Accidentally watched the Eclipse movie while the song Eclipse (8-bit cover of the Pink Floyd Dark Side Of The Moon song) was on pause..

Mood: full of spagghet
Music: Triptykon – The Prolonging