October 2012

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 movie coverI'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Netflix link]

PEOPLE: Written & Directed by newcomer Tom Six. “Horror is really unexplored territory, and there are still barriers to look for,” he says. Here’s an interview with him about making the movie: [INTERVIEW].

Bad guy played by Dieter Laser, who has been in lots of German movies. He is basically a modern-day Mengele — this film could indeed be considered a commentary on the Holocaust science “experiments” performed on unwilling Jews. Hell, the character shared the same first name and nationality as Mengele. This is no coincidence. Nor is the inclusion of a Japanese character. This is World War 2 shit.

The two dumb bitches who pretty much deserve to die for being so fucking stupid are played by Ashley C. Williams (the only other movie she was in was Willow when she was 4 years old) and Ashlynn Yennie (who’s been in 2 movies before, 1 a TV movie). Yes, their real life names are Ashley and Ashlynn, and as a duo, they are as stupid in the movie as they sound in real life.

Also starring Akihiro Kitamura, a Japanese actor.

PLOT SUMMARY: An evil retired surgeon conspires to make a human centipede, sewing multiple people together — ass to mouth.

UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): Elective surgery leads to complications.

HAIKU REVIEW: Evil scientist;
Bad elective surgery
that nobody wants.

QUIRKS: Horror without hope. The IMDB forum for this movie has some of the most insane threads ever.

Contains English, German, and Japanese dialog.

VISUALS: They could have made this a lot grosser, actually. For a movie with peoples’ mouths sewn to other peoples’ asses, they could have had a LOT more shit eating. Instead, it’s about 10 seconds. Personally, I would have directed them to choke on the shit and show it dripping out of their nose. For all the people who won’t see this because it’s so gross — I think Troma movies are way grosser. This has blood. And a drop of puss. Whoop de do. Gwar concerts are more explicit. Troma movies have more blood and gore. This is actually tame, visual wise.

MORALS: Don’t be such a fucking dumbass. If you’re in the middle of the woods asking someone for help, don’t turn your back to them. Don’t drink whatever drink they give you. And if you have a chance to escape, TAKE IT, even if it means leaving your friend to die. At least you can try to get help.

GOOD STUFF: Such a feeling of hopeless despair. Such human suffering. THIS… IS… DISTURBING. They succeeded in disturbing me. This is as disturbing as the Saw movies, but with far less gore.

BAD STUFF? PLOT HOLES? STUPID PEOPLE? OF COURSE!: Like the girls never [highlight for spoilers] trying to use the phone. I don’t think these are actually plot holes. I think this is deliberate: These girls are FUCKING IDIOTS. They think cell phones work everywhere; they can’t navigate worth shit; they get lost; they wander into the woods with no sense of direction or purpose; they don’t take obvious ways out. That’s kind of the point–that crazy people aren’t necessarily perfectly methodical in their craziness. It takes a real fucking idiot to fall into the fate of the people in this movie. In a sense, they almost deserve what happens to them for being so fucking stupid. Even the [highlight for spoilers] cops willingly drink from a glass of water provided to them by a suspected mass murderer. I actually think the movie shows how having no street smarts can get yourself killed. I don’t consider their idiocy to be a flaw in the movie, I consider it to be a flaw reflective of the idiocy of certain aspects of humanity.

Of course, not every horror movie needs to have stupid people. If the criminal is a mastermind [and not just a crazy surgeon], he can ensnare smart people. Jigsaw from Saw ensnared plenty of intelligent people — albiet they all suffered from their own personal hubris.

Also, you don’t make a movie about the smart people who figured out how to escape. That’s kind of boring. A doctor tries to do something, but the people are smart, they escape, and it never happens. What kind of movie would that be? What would you call it? The Human Centipede That Almost Was But Then Wasn’t? No! You make a movie about STUPID FUCKING PEOPLE who get in ridiculous situations. You don’t make a movie about normal people who are too smart to fall for this shit. Hell, one of the staples of horror movies in general is that the people are so fucking stupid as to put themselves into these situations in the first place. It’s like what Eddie Murphy said about Amityville (or some horror): When the house says, “Get out!”, it’s time to say, “Too bad we can’t stay!” and get the fuck out. But if you made this happen in a horror movie, it would be over before it started. Of COURSE characters need to be idiotic for these premises to work. To treat a fundamental component necessary for a movie to happen as a flaw is a bit of a heavy-handed judgment to me.

BAD STUFF? NAHHH: People who watch this: They have lots of hate for it. I can’t believe the sheer idiocy of all the people who hate on this movie for being too gross or disturbing. 2 Girls 1 Cup is 100X sicker than this — IT’S A FICTIONAL HORROR MOVIE. IT’S SUPPOSED TO MAKE YOU FEEL HORRIFIED. Hating a horror movie for making you feel horrified is like hating a comedy movie for making you laugh too much, or hating a certain type of candy for tasting too good. To like horror movies but not like being horrified seems like an incredible oxymoron. The fact that so many people had to walk out, turn this off, or later decry it as the worst movie they’ve ever seen PROVES ITS MASTERFUL SUCCESS.

At least in Saw, you had a chance of living if you played the game right. And your actions were of your own free will (play or die). At least in Hostel, your torture ended after a few hours. This is quite possibly a fate worse than any fate dealt to anyone in any horror movie I’ve ever seen. That makes it an automatic masterpiece of horror. Of course, some people say it’s a dark comedy. Aren’t all horrors dark comedies, if you consider the fact that they are fictional?

CONCLUSION: FUCKING AWESOME. And original. And bold, going to new frontiers no horror film has dared explore. Though you could just say this is Croenenberg-ism taken to the max.

Clint: Netflix: 5/5 stars. IMDB: 9/10.
Carolyn: Netflix: 5/5 stars. IMDB: 9/10.
John The Canadien: Netflix: 5/5 stars. IMDB: 10/10.

The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 5.1/10 (really? hilarious), Netflix: 3.3/5 stars (Netflix‘s predicted rating for us was 4.0/5 stars).

RECOMMENDATION: DON’T BE SUCH A FUCKING PUSSY. If you don’t watch this, you’re not a true fan of being horrified. But to be fair, this is a movie for people with creative senses of imagination, who hold nothing sacred (i.e. non-pussies).

SIMILAR MOVIES: Saw, Hostel. People try to compare this to 2 Girls 1 Cup, but 2 Girls 1 Cup is wayyyyy grosser than this. They actually show it, it has vomit AND poop/stuff actually coming out of an actual ass. The Human Centipede is nothing compared to 2 Girls 1 Cup. The Human Centipede is nothing compared to German shit-porn.

MOVIE QUOTE: Dr.Heiter: I’ll explain this spectacular operation only once. We start with cutting the ligamentum patella, the ligaments of the kneecaps, so knee extension is no longer possible. Pulling from “B” and “C” the central incisors, lateral incisors and canines from the upper and lower jaws, the lips from “B” and “C,” and the anus of “A” and “B,” are cut circular along the border between skin and mucosa, the mucus cutaneous zone. Two pedicelated grafts are prepared and lifted from the underlying tissue. The shaped incisions below the chins of “B” and “C” up to their cheeks connecting the circular mucosa and skin parts of anus and mouth, from “A” to “B,” and “B” to “C,” connecting the pedicelated grafts to the chin-cheek incisions from “A” to “B,” and “B” to “C,” creating a Siamese triplet, connected via the gastric system. Ingestion by A, passing through B, to the excretion of C. The human centipede, first sequence.

COINCIDENCES: (The Human Centipede, Delocated S2E06) 2 videos in a row with surgery & someone waking up on a gurney in a cellar after surgery while strapped into the gurney.

FRIENDS’ RATINGS: John The Canadien’s review. Dildo Valerie loved it. Anna Dinamight didn’t like it(?). A lot of other people I know saw it and agreed it was disturbing.

Outlaw Vern’s review (“It’s only incredibly god damn disgusting in what it makes you think about, not what it shows.”) This is the best review of the movie available.

Here’s another review whining that it’s gross.

Here’s another review. (more…)

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 movie coverI'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Netflix link]

PEOPLE: Directed by David Slade (30 Days Of Night 1, Twilight 3: Eclipse). Written by Brian Nelson (30 Days Of Night 1). 99% of screentime goes to the main 2 stars: Ellen Page (Inception, Juno, Kitty Pryde/Shadowcat in the X-Men, 5 eps of Trailer Park Boys) and Patrick Wilson (The A-Team 2010, Nite Owl II in Watchmen). Also a tiny tiny bit part by Sandra Oh (Defendor, Blindness, Sidways, Grey’s Anatomy). (The Janelle chick was in a Smallville ep. Funny how bit players get around more than big players sometimes.)

Ellen Page did a great job playing a precocious 14-year-old ([highlight for spoilers] who might not really be 14). She was 17 years old during the time of filming. So you have a girl — who became a hot woman (now 23) — almost of the age of consent (or of age, depending on the jurisdiction), playing someone a pedophile is trying to hook up with. This was a good casting choice, because it helped keep things a bit more morally ambiguous. After all, in reality, sex between the 2 actors would not be illegal in many states. If they had chosen an actress who was obviously (and in reality) 12 years old, the question of “Could they really fuck in real life?” would not be a maybe, it would be a definite no. Stradding the border of legality helped keep things more interesting. Ellen Page tends to play precocious characters — like in Juno — and this was no exception.

PLOT SUMMARY: Precocious girl holds child molester hostage — and things only get worse.

UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): [highlight for spoilers] Child serial killer convinces pedophile/murderer to commit suicide.


Hardly any actors! Or sets!

Major hostage movie. Almost the entire movie is about being held hostage. I’m reminded of recent movies like The Human Centipede ([highlight for spoilers] what with being drugged, held hostage, and subjected to forced surgery), as well as movies I haven’t seen in awhile, like Phone Booth and Closet Land.

Major tension in this film. Very few breaks. Total cringe moments. Interesting twists. Vigilante justice.

She’s sick–deliberately sick.

Or is she?

VISUALS: I’m glad they didn’t exercise their chance to make things more gory. In fact, this movie is not visual at all. It’s pretty much completely cerebral. Dealing with the tension. Wondering what she has in store. The visuals? Not the centerpiece of the movie.

SOUNDTRACK: Only 9 minutes of music used. In other words: Not the centerpiece of the movie.

MORALS/POLITICS: The whole movie is an interesting moral quandary. Who’s the sicker one here? The pedophile, or the girl who traps the pedophile, and does the things she does in this movie? Then there’s the fact that the whole “age of consent should be 18 (or 16)” thing was foisted upon society by the feminist movement. Prior to that, someone in their 30s having sex with a 14 year old was not considered a big deal. It still isn’t in a lot of the world. It’s probably why Catholic priests rape so much — the age of consent in The Vatican is 12. But anyway, you don’t typically see a lot of older women prosecuted for the statutory rape of underage boys. Sure, it happens. But not at the same rate. And the punishments aren’t meted out the same. There’s no actual equality. The laws are enforced against males more than females because females are perceived to be weaker. Feminism’s equality doesn’t even happen when feminism gets to rewrite laws. And that’s a big fat fail. Personally, I’d rather there be some sort of emotional maturity quotient. There’s no such thing as “the day before your birthday, you’re not capable of deciding to have sex, then the day of your birthday you are”. Humans don’t evolve overnight. There’s no actual, precise line that can be drawn. And yet, there are clearly situations that are wrong, like the one depicted in this movie. And this movie hinges on a lot of those issues. We have a 17-year-old playing a 14-year-old [highlight for spoilers] who may not even be 14 who is quite obviously emotionally mature enough to handle many adult situations — like all the [highlight for spoilers] crazy, fucked up shit she puts the guy through. Oh, he deserved it. But not for what he did to her. He deserved it for what he did to the girls before her.

There are, of course, a bunch of guys who complain that this movie is “anti-male”. Sigh. I suppose Harry Potter is anti-male too, because Voldemort is a guy. People, please! A bad character in a movie is not a statement that all people in his demographic are also bad!

GOOD STUFF: This movie essentially has 2 bad guys, and no good guys. (Or does it?) That is a very interesting set up.

BAD STUFF: People don’t like intense movies. People don’t like hostage situations. People don’t like movies that aren’t uplifting. This movie is very much about darkness, the dark things that people do, and the darkness in peoples’ hearts.

And no, 14-year-olds don’t talk like that. But neither do the people in Juno talk like that. Movies often contain interesting dialog that is more interesting than how people talk in real life. That’s a good thing. If I wanted real life, I’d have one.

CONCLUSION: A great hostage movie made even better by the moral ambiguity of just who is the good guy and who is the bad guy. Or are there no good guys? Or are there no bad guys? Ellen Page is better in this than in Juno. With hints of The Human Centipede, Phone Booth, Closet Land, this was a great exploration of pedophile victims’ revenge. If only the male character could have been the Pope.

Clint: Netflix: 4/5 stars. IMDB: 8/10.
Carolyn: Netflix: 4/5 stars. IMDB: 9/10.
The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 7.2/10, Netflix: 3.4/5 stars (Netflix‘s predicted rating for us was 4.0/5 stars).

RECOMMENDATION: Definitely worth checking out!

SIMILAR MOVIES: Already mentioned above.


Jeff Kohlver: Who the hell are you?
Hayley Stark: I am every little girl you ever watched, touched, hurt, screwed, killed.

FRIENDS’ RATINGS: A few people (Suds Pshaw, Rachel Weird) said this was definitely a “wow” movie to watch… And I agree.


 movie coverI'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Netflix link]

PEOPLE: Nobody we really recognized… This is produced by Michael Bay. But no explosions, haha.

Wes Craven didn’t even direct this! He wasn’t even approached! Seriously, wtf? I guess it sort of makes sense, however, as a director remaking his own film would be a bit like a musician covering his own song. Craven has spoken out against this film. But not Robert Englund

Robert Englund wouldn’t reprise his role as Freddy, because he felt he was too old. So we get Jackie Earle Haley (Rorschach from Watchmen, Breaking Away, Damnation Alley) instead. His makeup is different; more “realistic burn victim” than “male witch”. No more big nose. Those of us used to Freddy looking a certain way are going to be a bit annoyed by that.

Nancy is back, but with a different last name, and now played by age-appropriate actor Rooney Mara (The Social Network). Her mom is played by Connie Britton (6 eps of 24, Spin City, Friday Night Lights), who I just kept thinking was hotter than her daughter most of the movie.

And we have Clancy Brown (Brother Justin from Carnivale, Lex Luther from various Superman cartoons) as one of the fathers. Notable because Clancy Brown rules and should get more parts.

UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): [highlight for spoilers] Vigilanties fail to save their raped children.

QUIRKS: A remake of the original 1984 A Nightmare On Elm Street.

VISUALS: More modern special effects make the things, on average, look better. But of course, Freddy looks different now — a bit more realistic; and that is a bit upsetting if you want it to be identical to the original.

MORALS: Vigilantism might not be the best way to solve your problems.

GOOD STUFF: The suspense, fear, and creepiness of the originals still seems to be intact, albeit with a more modern feel. They kept things very true to the original; this isn’t anything like the butchering of Friday The 13th that we saw in the Friday The 13th reboot remake.

CONCLUSION: As far as remakes go, this was actually more true to the original then I expected. This did not make the same mistakes the Friday The 13th remake made. That’s good.

Clint: Netflix: 4/5 stars. IMDB: 7/10. More or less the same as I rated the original.
Carolyn: Netflix: 4/5 stars. IMDB: 8/10.

The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 5.2/10 (haters hatin’!), Netflix: 3.5/5 stars (Netflix‘s predicted rating for us was 3.6/5 stars–nice that this causes it to be rounded up to 4, which is what we rated it).

RECOMMENDATION: Don’t be scared away from this just because it’s a remake.

SIMILAR MOVIES: A sequel is already in the works.

MOVIE QUOTE: Freddy Krueger: “Did you know that after the heart stops beating the brain can function for well over seven minutes? We got six more minutes to play.”


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