October 2012


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 movie coverI'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Netflix link]

PEOPLE: Written & Directed by newcomer Tom Six. “Horror is really unexplored territory, and there are still barriers to look for,” he says. Here’s an interview with him about making the movie: [INTERVIEW].

Bad guy played by Dieter Laser, who has been in lots of German movies. He is basically a modern-day Mengele — this film could indeed be considered a commentary on the Holocaust science “experiments” performed on unwilling Jews. Hell, the character shared the same first name and nationality as Mengele. This is no coincidence. Nor is the inclusion of a Japanese character. This is World War 2 shit.

The two dumb bitches who pretty much deserve to die for being so fucking stupid are played by Ashley C. Williams (the only other movie she was in was Willow when she was 4 years old) and Ashlynn Yennie (who’s been in 2 movies before, 1 a TV movie). Yes, their real life names are Ashley and Ashlynn, and as a duo, they are as stupid in the movie as they sound in real life.

Also starring Akihiro Kitamura, a Japanese actor.

PLOT SUMMARY: An evil retired surgeon conspires to make a human centipede, sewing multiple people together — ass to mouth.

UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): Elective surgery leads to complications.

HAIKU REVIEW: Evil scientist;
Bad elective surgery
that nobody wants.

QUIRKS: Horror without hope. The IMDB forum for this movie has some of the most insane threads ever.

Contains English, German, and Japanese dialog.

VISUALS: They could have made this a lot grosser, actually. For a movie with peoples’ mouths sewn to other peoples’ asses, they could have had a LOT more shit eating. Instead, it’s about 10 seconds. Personally, I would have directed them to choke on the shit and show it dripping out of their nose. For all the people who won’t see this because it’s so gross — I think Troma movies are way grosser. This has blood. And a drop of puss. Whoop de do. Gwar concerts are more explicit. Troma movies have more blood and gore. This is actually tame, visual wise.

MORALS: Don’t be such a fucking dumbass. If you’re in the middle of the woods asking someone for help, don’t turn your back to them. Don’t drink whatever drink they give you. And if you have a chance to escape, TAKE IT, even if it means leaving your friend to die. At least you can try to get help.

GOOD STUFF: Such a feeling of hopeless despair. Such human suffering. THIS… IS… DISTURBING. They succeeded in disturbing me. This is as disturbing as the Saw movies, but with far less gore.

BAD STUFF? PLOT HOLES? STUPID PEOPLE? OF COURSE!: Like the girls never [highlight for spoilers] trying to use the phone. I don’t think these are actually plot holes. I think this is deliberate: These girls are FUCKING IDIOTS. They think cell phones work everywhere; they can’t navigate worth shit; they get lost; they wander into the woods with no sense of direction or purpose; they don’t take obvious ways out. That’s kind of the point–that crazy people aren’t necessarily perfectly methodical in their craziness. It takes a real fucking idiot to fall into the fate of the people in this movie. In a sense, they almost deserve what happens to them for being so fucking stupid. Even the [highlight for spoilers] cops willingly drink from a glass of water provided to them by a suspected mass murderer. I actually think the movie shows how having no street smarts can get yourself killed. I don’t consider their idiocy to be a flaw in the movie, I consider it to be a flaw reflective of the idiocy of certain aspects of humanity.

Of course, not every horror movie needs to have stupid people. If the criminal is a mastermind [and not just a crazy surgeon], he can ensnare smart people. Jigsaw from Saw ensnared plenty of intelligent people — albiet they all suffered from their own personal hubris.

Also, you don’t make a movie about the smart people who figured out how to escape. That’s kind of boring. A doctor tries to do something, but the people are smart, they escape, and it never happens. What kind of movie would that be? What would you call it? The Human Centipede That Almost Was But Then Wasn’t? No! You make a movie about STUPID FUCKING PEOPLE who get in ridiculous situations. You don’t make a movie about normal people who are too smart to fall for this shit. Hell, one of the staples of horror movies in general is that the people are so fucking stupid as to put themselves into these situations in the first place. It’s like what Eddie Murphy said about Amityville (or some horror): When the house says, “Get out!”, it’s time to say, “Too bad we can’t stay!” and get the fuck out. But if you made this happen in a horror movie, it would be over before it started. Of COURSE characters need to be idiotic for these premises to work. To treat a fundamental component necessary for a movie to happen as a flaw is a bit of a heavy-handed judgment to me.

BAD STUFF? NAHHH: People who watch this: They have lots of hate for it. I can’t believe the sheer idiocy of all the people who hate on this movie for being too gross or disturbing. 2 Girls 1 Cup is 100X sicker than this — IT’S A FICTIONAL HORROR MOVIE. IT’S SUPPOSED TO MAKE YOU FEEL HORRIFIED. Hating a horror movie for making you feel horrified is like hating a comedy movie for making you laugh too much, or hating a certain type of candy for tasting too good. To like horror movies but not like being horrified seems like an incredible oxymoron. The fact that so many people had to walk out, turn this off, or later decry it as the worst movie they’ve ever seen PROVES ITS MASTERFUL SUCCESS.

At least in Saw, you had a chance of living if you played the game right. And your actions were of your own free will (play or die). At least in Hostel, your torture ended after a few hours. This is quite possibly a fate worse than any fate dealt to anyone in any horror movie I’ve ever seen. That makes it an automatic masterpiece of horror. Of course, some people say it’s a dark comedy. Aren’t all horrors dark comedies, if you consider the fact that they are fictional?

CONCLUSION: FUCKING AWESOME. And original. And bold, going to new frontiers no horror film has dared explore. Though you could just say this is Croenenberg-ism taken to the max.

RATINGS:
Clint: Netflix: 5/5 stars. IMDB: 9/10.
Carolyn: Netflix: 5/5 stars. IMDB: 9/10.
John The Canadien: Netflix: 5/5 stars. IMDB: 10/10.

The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 5.1/10 (really? hilarious), Netflix: 3.3/5 stars (Netflix‘s predicted rating for us was 4.0/5 stars).

RECOMMENDATION: DON’T BE SUCH A FUCKING PUSSY. If you don’t watch this, you’re not a true fan of being horrified. But to be fair, this is a movie for people with creative senses of imagination, who hold nothing sacred (i.e. non-pussies).

SIMILAR MOVIES: Saw, Hostel. People try to compare this to 2 Girls 1 Cup, but 2 Girls 1 Cup is wayyyyy grosser than this. They actually show it, it has vomit AND poop/stuff actually coming out of an actual ass. The Human Centipede is nothing compared to 2 Girls 1 Cup. The Human Centipede is nothing compared to German shit-porn.

MOVIE QUOTE: Dr.Heiter: I’ll explain this spectacular operation only once. We start with cutting the ligamentum patella, the ligaments of the kneecaps, so knee extension is no longer possible. Pulling from “B” and “C” the central incisors, lateral incisors and canines from the upper and lower jaws, the lips from “B” and “C,” and the anus of “A” and “B,” are cut circular along the border between skin and mucosa, the mucus cutaneous zone. Two pedicelated grafts are prepared and lifted from the underlying tissue. The shaped incisions below the chins of “B” and “C” up to their cheeks connecting the circular mucosa and skin parts of anus and mouth, from “A” to “B,” and “B” to “C,” connecting the pedicelated grafts to the chin-cheek incisions from “A” to “B,” and “B” to “C,” creating a Siamese triplet, connected via the gastric system. Ingestion by A, passing through B, to the excretion of C. The human centipede, first sequence.

COINCIDENCES: (The Human Centipede, Delocated S2E06) 2 videos in a row with surgery & someone waking up on a gurney in a cellar after surgery while strapped into the gurney.

FRIENDS’ RATINGS: John The Canadien’s review. Dildo Valerie loved it. Anna Dinamight didn’t like it(?). A lot of other people I know saw it and agreed it was disturbing.

Outlaw Vern’s review (“It’s only incredibly god damn disgusting in what it makes you think about, not what it shows.”) This is the best review of the movie available.

Here’s another review whining that it’s gross.

Here’s another review. (more…)

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 movie coverI'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Netflix link]

PEOPLE: Directed by David Slade (30 Days Of Night 1, Twilight 3: Eclipse). Written by Brian Nelson (30 Days Of Night 1). 99% of screentime goes to the main 2 stars: Ellen Page (Inception, Juno, Kitty Pryde/Shadowcat in the X-Men, 5 eps of Trailer Park Boys) and Patrick Wilson (The A-Team 2010, Nite Owl II in Watchmen). Also a tiny tiny bit part by Sandra Oh (Defendor, Blindness, Sidways, Grey’s Anatomy). (The Janelle chick was in a Smallville ep. Funny how bit players get around more than big players sometimes.)

Ellen Page did a great job playing a precocious 14-year-old ([highlight for spoilers] who might not really be 14). She was 17 years old during the time of filming. So you have a girl — who became a hot woman (now 23) — almost of the age of consent (or of age, depending on the jurisdiction), playing someone a pedophile is trying to hook up with. This was a good casting choice, because it helped keep things a bit more morally ambiguous. After all, in reality, sex between the 2 actors would not be illegal in many states. If they had chosen an actress who was obviously (and in reality) 12 years old, the question of “Could they really fuck in real life?” would not be a maybe, it would be a definite no. Stradding the border of legality helped keep things more interesting. Ellen Page tends to play precocious characters — like in Juno — and this was no exception.

PLOT SUMMARY: Precocious girl holds child molester hostage — and things only get worse.

UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): [highlight for spoilers] Child serial killer convinces pedophile/murderer to commit suicide.

QUIRKS:

Hardly any actors! Or sets!

Major hostage movie. Almost the entire movie is about being held hostage. I’m reminded of recent movies like The Human Centipede ([highlight for spoilers] what with being drugged, held hostage, and subjected to forced surgery), as well as movies I haven’t seen in awhile, like Phone Booth and Closet Land.

Major tension in this film. Very few breaks. Total cringe moments. Interesting twists. Vigilante justice.

She’s sick–deliberately sick.

Or is she?

VISUALS: I’m glad they didn’t exercise their chance to make things more gory. In fact, this movie is not visual at all. It’s pretty much completely cerebral. Dealing with the tension. Wondering what she has in store. The visuals? Not the centerpiece of the movie.

SOUNDTRACK: Only 9 minutes of music used. In other words: Not the centerpiece of the movie.

MORALS/POLITICS: The whole movie is an interesting moral quandary. Who’s the sicker one here? The pedophile, or the girl who traps the pedophile, and does the things she does in this movie? Then there’s the fact that the whole “age of consent should be 18 (or 16)” thing was foisted upon society by the feminist movement. Prior to that, someone in their 30s having sex with a 14 year old was not considered a big deal. It still isn’t in a lot of the world. It’s probably why Catholic priests rape so much — the age of consent in The Vatican is 12. But anyway, you don’t typically see a lot of older women prosecuted for the statutory rape of underage boys. Sure, it happens. But not at the same rate. And the punishments aren’t meted out the same. There’s no actual equality. The laws are enforced against males more than females because females are perceived to be weaker. Feminism’s equality doesn’t even happen when feminism gets to rewrite laws. And that’s a big fat fail. Personally, I’d rather there be some sort of emotional maturity quotient. There’s no such thing as “the day before your birthday, you’re not capable of deciding to have sex, then the day of your birthday you are”. Humans don’t evolve overnight. There’s no actual, precise line that can be drawn. And yet, there are clearly situations that are wrong, like the one depicted in this movie. And this movie hinges on a lot of those issues. We have a 17-year-old playing a 14-year-old [highlight for spoilers] who may not even be 14 who is quite obviously emotionally mature enough to handle many adult situations — like all the [highlight for spoilers] crazy, fucked up shit she puts the guy through. Oh, he deserved it. But not for what he did to her. He deserved it for what he did to the girls before her.

There are, of course, a bunch of guys who complain that this movie is “anti-male”. Sigh. I suppose Harry Potter is anti-male too, because Voldemort is a guy. People, please! A bad character in a movie is not a statement that all people in his demographic are also bad!

GOOD STUFF: This movie essentially has 2 bad guys, and no good guys. (Or does it?) That is a very interesting set up.

BAD STUFF: People don’t like intense movies. People don’t like hostage situations. People don’t like movies that aren’t uplifting. This movie is very much about darkness, the dark things that people do, and the darkness in peoples’ hearts.

And no, 14-year-olds don’t talk like that. But neither do the people in Juno talk like that. Movies often contain interesting dialog that is more interesting than how people talk in real life. That’s a good thing. If I wanted real life, I’d have one.

CONCLUSION: A great hostage movie made even better by the moral ambiguity of just who is the good guy and who is the bad guy. Or are there no good guys? Or are there no bad guys? Ellen Page is better in this than in Juno. With hints of The Human Centipede, Phone Booth, Closet Land, this was a great exploration of pedophile victims’ revenge. If only the male character could have been the Pope.

RATINGS:
Clint: Netflix: 4/5 stars. IMDB: 8/10.
Carolyn: Netflix: 4/5 stars. IMDB: 9/10.
The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 7.2/10, Netflix: 3.4/5 stars (Netflix‘s predicted rating for us was 4.0/5 stars).

RECOMMENDATION: Definitely worth checking out!

SIMILAR MOVIES: Already mentioned above.

MOVIE QUOTE:

Jeff Kohlver: Who the hell are you?
Hayley Stark: I am every little girl you ever watched, touched, hurt, screwed, killed.

FRIENDS’ RATINGS: A few people (Suds Pshaw, Rachel Weird) said this was definitely a “wow” movie to watch… And I agree.

(more…)

 movie coverI'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Netflix link]

PEOPLE: Nobody we really recognized… This is produced by Michael Bay. But no explosions, haha.

Wes Craven didn’t even direct this! He wasn’t even approached! Seriously, wtf? I guess it sort of makes sense, however, as a director remaking his own film would be a bit like a musician covering his own song. Craven has spoken out against this film. But not Robert Englund

Robert Englund wouldn’t reprise his role as Freddy, because he felt he was too old. So we get Jackie Earle Haley (Rorschach from Watchmen, Breaking Away, Damnation Alley) instead. His makeup is different; more “realistic burn victim” than “male witch”. No more big nose. Those of us used to Freddy looking a certain way are going to be a bit annoyed by that.

Nancy is back, but with a different last name, and now played by age-appropriate actor Rooney Mara (The Social Network). Her mom is played by Connie Britton (6 eps of 24, Spin City, Friday Night Lights), who I just kept thinking was hotter than her daughter most of the movie.

And we have Clancy Brown (Brother Justin from Carnivale, Lex Luther from various Superman cartoons) as one of the fathers. Notable because Clancy Brown rules and should get more parts.

UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): [highlight for spoilers] Vigilanties fail to save their raped children.

QUIRKS: A remake of the original 1984 A Nightmare On Elm Street.

VISUALS: More modern special effects make the things, on average, look better. But of course, Freddy looks different now — a bit more realistic; and that is a bit upsetting if you want it to be identical to the original.

MORALS: Vigilantism might not be the best way to solve your problems.

GOOD STUFF: The suspense, fear, and creepiness of the originals still seems to be intact, albeit with a more modern feel. They kept things very true to the original; this isn’t anything like the butchering of Friday The 13th that we saw in the Friday The 13th reboot remake.

CONCLUSION: As far as remakes go, this was actually more true to the original then I expected. This did not make the same mistakes the Friday The 13th remake made. That’s good.

RATINGS:
Clint: Netflix: 4/5 stars. IMDB: 7/10. More or less the same as I rated the original.
Carolyn: Netflix: 4/5 stars. IMDB: 8/10.

The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 5.2/10 (haters hatin’!), Netflix: 3.5/5 stars (Netflix‘s predicted rating for us was 3.6/5 stars–nice that this causes it to be rounded up to 4, which is what we rated it).

RECOMMENDATION: Don’t be scared away from this just because it’s a remake.

SIMILAR MOVIES: A sequel is already in the works.

MOVIE QUOTE: Freddy Krueger: “Did you know that after the heart stops beating the brain can function for well over seven minutes? We got six more minutes to play.”

(more…)

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 movie coverI'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Netflix link]

PEOPLE: From Alexander Aja, director of Mirrors (yay!!), High Tension (yay!), and The Hills Have Eyes. The writers I’d never heard of, but they wrote 2 eps of Avatar:The Last Airbender, which is kinda funny.

With Elizabeth Shue, as the person hiring a babysitter instead of being the babysitter. I see what you did there! A nod to her role in Adventures In Babysitting.

Also with Christopher Lloyd (Back To The Future), Richard Dreyfuss, Eli Roth, Jerry O’Connell (from Sliders, Scream 2, Stand By Me, Can’t Hardly Wait, and who also voiced Nightwing in The Batman cartoon) as a pornographer. Also with a porn star, a girl who was in 4 Smallville eps, and Jessica Szohr from Gossip Girl as the cute kinda-ethnic-looking love interest who gets sucked into the pornographer’s world.

PLOT SUMMARY: Piranha fish that kill people. It had to happen.

UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): [highlight for spoilers] Earthquake leads to marine life complications; partiers who fail to obey cops mauled.

QUIRKS: Ridiculous remake of an already-ridiculous horror.

VISUALS: 3-D, but we watched it in 2-D. Even in 2-D, it was obvious that a lot of the 3-D shots were gimmicky shots pandering to the technology. And those aren’t as enjoyable in 2-D… This was shot in 2-D with 3-D in mind, and converted to 3-D in post. Some people say that means it’s automatically horrible, but Nightmare Before Christmas was converted to 3-D in the same way, and it kicked ass.

MORALS: Spring break decadence will KILL YOU DEAD. (Haha.)

GOOD STUFF: Entertaining, but so utterly ridiculous.

BAD STUFF: Full of flaws. Script stupidity of the highest order, bad greenscreening, horridly obvious cgi, cgi used where they should have used practical effects, and thus the special effects were below average even though they were technically up to date. Unrealistic horror movie cliches, gratuitous sexy scenes, over-acting (Christopher Lloyd, but isn’t that his shtick?), bad acting. This movie had ’em all.

CONCLUSION: It’s not really that great. Full of flaws and script stupidity. Better to see it in 3-D if you’re really going to bother. It’s enjoyable, and we still liked it for virtue of being a passable movie… But it’s certainly nothing special or memorable.

RATINGS:
Clint: Netflix: 3/5 stars. IMDB: 6/10.
Carolyn: Netflix: 3/5 stars. IMDB: 6/10.

The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 6.2/10, Netflix: 3.5/5 stars (Netflix‘s predicted rating for us was 3.6/5 stars–A bit in the wrong direction, Netflix.).

Our ratings seem to be pretty inline with the public’s ratings, this time. If not slightly lower.

RECOMMENDATION: Neutral, unless you can see it in 3-D, then: Go for it!

SIMILAR MOVIES: There’s already a sequel in the works…

MOVIE QUOTE: “Chew on this motherfuckers!”

FRIENDS’ OPINIONS: Reverend Pockets: “I saw it in 3D in the theater. I stand by my word. Best Film of ALL time.”

(more…)

 movie coverI'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Netflix link]

PEOPLE: Written & Directed by Adam Green (Frozen).

Has cameos by Robert Englund (Freddy Krueger of Nightmare On Elm Street) [in the beginning sequence], Kane Hodder (Jason) [as Mr. Crowley], and Tony Todd (Candyman) [as Rev. Zombie].

Starring Joel Moore (Norm Spellman from Avatar, J.P. from Grandma’s Boy, Owen from Dodgeball:A True Underdog Story) played a kind of annoying, dorky, buzzkill character, and co-starring Tamara Feldman as Mary Beth. She is replaced by Danielle Harris [Super Capers, Halloween 4-5] in the sequel.

Parry Shen plays the tour guide. The pornographer guy, Joel Murray, was in One Crazy Summer. The token black guy was Deon Richmond (Scream 3, Not Another Teen Movie, Van Wilder 1, The Cosby Show). The older couple on the tour were played by Richard Riehle (who looks like the “This is what I do. I sit on you” guy from Tim And Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!, and will be in Harold & Kumar 3, and was in Palindromes, Mysterious Skin, Office Space, Fear & Loathing In Las Vegas, Lethal Weapon 4, Fried Green Tomatoes) and Patrika Darbo (Days Of Our Lives, Speed 2, Gremlins 2).

Joleigh Fioravanti (who was in 1 ep of Nip/Tuck), plays a soft-core porn-star brunette, with her DUMBEST-BLONDE-EVER “partner” played Misty by Mercedes McNab (Harmony Kendall from Buffy/Angel, Hatchet 2, young Susan Storm from The Fantastic Four movie). Somehow both these actresses return as the same character in Hatchet 2, [highlight for spoilers] even though I thought everyone died in this movie.

The monster is played by Rileah Vanderbilt (Frozen). Pretty awesome to have a monster played by a woman, even if it’s only for budget reasons.

UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): [highlight for spoilers] Fraudulent tour guide kills customers.

QUIRKS: Horror-comedy.

VISUALS: New Orleans-centric visuals: Bourbon Street and Swamps. The monster itself is not that impressive looking. It’s barely a cut above what you’d put in a Troma movie.

Joel Moore’s vomit was real.

SOUNDTRACK: Marilyn Manson!

GOOD STUFF: I wasn’t expecting any comedy, so the fact that this had some laughs in it turned out to be a pleasant surprise.

BAD STUFF: The horror doesn’t kick in for a long time… And when it does, it’s not that scary. So they saved the movie by making it funny — but some of the funny parts could have been funnier too.

CONCLUSION: A kind of generic mediocre horror movie, saved by dosing it with a decent amount of comedy.

RATINGS:

Clint: Netflix: 3/5 stars. IMDB: 6.4/10 (a high 6).

Carolyn: Netflix: 3/5 stars. IMDB: 6/10. “It wasn’t terrible, but it was kind of stilted, in my opinion.. that guy was uber-lame in the beginning…but there were definitely funny parts… The horror part wasn’t as “horror-y” (horrible? hehe) as it could have been. But I don’t think it was trying to be… ”

The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 5.8/10 (the sequel gets 6.2), Netflix: 2.9/5 stars (the sequel gets 3.7/5 stars) (Netflix‘s predicted rating for us was 3.2/5 stars).

RECOMMENDATION: Neutral. Only reason to watch this, really, is to affirm the fact that Adam Green’s other movies aren’t as good as his magnum opus, the movie Frozen. If you do watch it, don’t expect to take it seriously.

SIMILAR MOVIES: Hatchet 2 – supposedly more serious and less of a comedy. And it has the “Amy” girl who was in The Walking Dead season 1 [her sister watched her die in ep #4 or #5].

MOVIE QUOTE:

[after Jenna and Misty’s make-out session in front of the guys]
Jenna: Eww! Brush your teeth much?
Misty: Lick me, bitch.
Jenna: No thanks. I like my tongue without the syphilis.
Misty: You’re syhpilis, Ms. Big Words!
Jenna: …Okay, that didn’t even make sense.
Misty: Lick me. (more…)

 movie coverI'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Netflix link]

UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): Republicans accidentally make strippers strip better, then[highlight for spoilers] shoot them.

PEOPLE: Starring Robert Englund (Freddy from Nightmare On Elm Street, Willie from the original V series, Jack Brooks:Monster Slayer, The Adventures Of Ford Fairlane) is the only good actor in the entire movie. He’s not exactly an Oscar winner, but he’s still awesome nonetheless. Also with Jenna Jameson (the porn star), Roxy Saint (some singer) as Lilith the goth chick, Penny Drake as the redhead, Whitney Anderson, Shamron Moore, Jeannette Sousa (Urban Legends:Final Cut), and Carmit Levite as the ridiculous Blavatski woman.

QUIRKS: Zombies. Strippers. Badfilm. And that’s about it.

VISUALS: Zombies. Strippers. Tits. Blood.

WILHELM SCREAM: Yup! When she threw a patron against the wall…

MORALS: Nope, not here.

SOUNDTRACK: Pointless.

POLITICS: Anti-Republican statements are thrown in, yet politics have almost nothing to do with anything in the movie. It’s like they just wanted to get on the anti-Republican bandwagon too. The opening 2 minutes was the best part, in this respect.

GOOD STUFF: Zombies. Strippers. Tits. Blood.

BAD STUFF: Wow… Bad writing, bad acting, bad editing, bad special effects, bad cgi, looks like video cameras. Yet… Zombies! And… Strippers!

It got a bit better once you got through the first half, but it really just seemed like an excuse to see strippers acting like zombies. Of course, that’s what the title implies…

It was almost like a Troma movie. If I’d known that going in, I might have been able to deal with it more easily.

The racist comedy isn’t even funny racist comedy. Call a guy Paco, make him have a ridiculous mustache, make him the janator, and then have him say, “Badgers? We don’t need no stinkin’ badgers.” It seems like it was written by a high schooler. A lot of racist comedy is funny — because I am a firm believer that NOTHING is sacred, not even Jesus’s penis rubbing up on the World Trade Centers’ ashes. This time, it wasn’t. Jokes aren’t automatically funny, and a lot of the humor in this movie was just NOT funny.

CONCLUSION: A terrible movie — even when compared to Troma movies. This is trying to be so bad it’s good, and failing by just being flat out bad. Yet, we have zombies and strippers, which was enough for us to want to finish watching it, even though watching it was painful a majority of the time.

RATINGS:
Clint: Netflix: 2.6/5 stars. IMDB: 4/10.
Carolyn: Netflix: 2.6/5 stars. IMDB: 4/10.

Wow. This is about the closest we’ve ever rated a movie to it’s IMDB AND Netflix ratings. 4 vs 4.4, 2.6 vs 2.6!:
The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 4.4/10 (for once, we agree, and rate lower than IMDB), Netflix: 2.6/5 stars (Netflix‘s predicted rating for us was 3.9/5 stars, and was way wrong).

RECOMMENDATION: If you like strippers and zombies, you might want to plow through this just to look at strippers and zombies. Don’t expect a good movie, though. This is badfilm. Don’t even expect a Troma-quality movie.

Also: ONLY WATCH THIS IN BLU-RAY QUALITY. There’s no way the titillation is worth it in standard def.

SIMILAR MOVIES: Lesbian Vampire Killers — though we haven’t watched that yet.

MOVIE QUOTE:

Cole: Hey, you think this is a good idea? I mean, wasn’t that bitch dead a minute ago?
Ian: Fuck it. What’s the worse that can happen?

Paco: It’s Paco time.

(opening dialog) Announcer: George W Bush has won his fourth consecutive term as president, taking Florida, which due to a glitch in the Jeb B voting terminals, tallied one single vote for President Bush and Vice President Schwarzenegger. Bush’s presidency was unanimously declared legally binding by the Supreme Court as well as “totally cool” by Supreme Justice Jenna Bush who subsequently set in motion another Supreme Kegger. Following the landslide victory, a constitutional amendment banning public nudity was implemented. Shortly thereafter, President Bush dissolved Congress, claiming it was “cramping his style.” American Troops continue to be strung thin due to the still raging wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria, Iran, Lebanon, Libya, Pakistan, Venezuela, France, Canada, and Alaska.

^ If only the rest of the movie could have been this good. Or even about this at all.
(more…)

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 movie coverI'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Netflix link]

UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): Halliburton makes more money than ever.

PEOPLE: Written by the same writer as The Amityville Horror (2005), The Machinist (2004), and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003). Scott Kosar mostly rewrites old horror movies, huh? Also written by the writer of the movie Pulse. Starring Timothy Olyphant (the drug dealer in Go, Scream 2, Gone In 60 Seconds, the backstabbing producer in The Girl Next Door), Radha Mitchell (Surrogates, Silent Hill, Phone Booth, Pitch Black), Joe Anderson, Danielle Panabaker (Friday The 13th 2009), Christie Lynn Smith.

QUIRKS: Remake of George Romero’s 1973 horror film of the same title. Good action. A couple fairly disturbing scenes. Not your typical “zombies”: They don’t spread their infection. It’s the water that infects you.

I gotta say, the scene where the couple are holding hands [highlight for spoilers] in front of the nuclear explosion just kinda struck me as super romantic and kind of sweet. Is that weird?

MORALS: If people start going crazy, don’t drink the water.

POLITICS: The government is NOT your friend in a crisis situation. They are the ones most likely to kill you! Just look at Hurricane Katrina for another example.

BAD STUFF: The town became a ghost town WAY too soon. I mean, here we are focused on a bunch of characters who randomly didn’t get sick — yet they hardly show anyone else who shared the same fate. Statistically, there would have to be more than just those 3 or so characters! However, it could be that the government had already infiltrated when this happened. Still, they should have made that transition more gradual.

The movie is in general uninspired — it’s pretty exclusively things we’ve seen before. Now that’s to be expected with a zombie / government containment movie, but still. People have plenty of complaints, and they’re valid. But others liked this one better than the original, and I’m betting I would too.

Still — jump scares and deus ex machinas. Watch out for ’em.

CONCLUSION: The same ol’ zombie / government containment plot. Pretty well executed.

RATINGS:
Clint: Netflix: 4/5 stars. IMDB: 7.2/10. (That is, tempted to give it an 8/10.)
Carolyn: Netflix: 4/5 stars. IMDB: 7/10.
The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 6.9/10, Netflix: 3.8/5 stars (Netflix‘s predicted rating for us was 3.7/5 stars–interesting that it was slightly lower).

RECOMMENDATION: If you need more zombie flicks, here’s one.

SIMILAR MOVIES: Most zombie flicks, except the infection doesn’t really grow here. Everyone simply gets infected at the same time.

MOVIE QUOTE: David Dutton: Don’t ask me why I can’t leave without my wife and I won’t ask you why you can. (more…)

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I lived with my parents at my aunt Marcia & Duke’s house. This happened for one month in real life right before 3rd grade, when my parents had to sell their 2nd house one month before they could move into their 3rd house. I was, however, my current age, and quite annoyed at living with them.

We were watching South Park, and there was an episode with a giant destructive monster, and every time it would destroy something, a joke display on South Park would score another point, as if it was a videogame. It was part of the humor of the episode. I was playing it with my computer of course, and I wanted to show them how if you went into the properties for the video player, the joke-score would be listed as an attribute along with resolution, length, video codec, and all the other video attributes. Someone had actually tagged each point that was scored in the episode content with a timed-tag that would increment a counter that would be displayed in the actual episode tags.

I basically went into file->properties, then clicked over to the next tab, then there were 3 or so attributes, and if I clicked on one, the score would appear in the right column, matching the South Park episode’s current score.

I wanted to show them this, but they wouldn’t pay attention. When it came up all easily, my parents were immediately talking to each other and not paying attention. The display timed out. I bitched and moaned at them about how lame it was that they couldn’t pay attention for 5 seconds… Especially Mom, who I thought wouldn’t understand it as much without seeing it, because she’s somewhat technically challenged in real life.

So anyway, they finally agreed to give me their undivided attention, and of course THAT time, it took me forever to find the attribute. It wouldn’t come up as easily. Something had changed in the program, and I had to click through and go through 100+ attributes to find it. It was a one-shot thing. A bug in the video player software that made it 20X harder to find a user-tagged attribute if you had already open and closed the attributes list once during the episode. And I didn’t want to close and restart the video player again (as I had recently done in real life 30+ times in order to re-optimize my Media Player Classic video playback after trying to tweak my video player into handling SBS 3-D anaglyph video).

So finally I stormed off and left in anger, not even finishing act 3 of the South Park episode. “Fuck those guys!” … I go back to my downstairs room — complete with the bunk bed I used to have in MY downstairs room in their 3rd house (which we weren’t in — we were in Aunt Marcia & Duke’s house)…

And there’s a DEAD BODY in the room!

Now at the time, I had decided to masturbate, and I really didn’t want to call 911 to report the dead body, because I knew they would totally encroach on my jerkoff time, being in my room, snooping around for evidence, generally not giving me any jerkoff privacy (Hmm–no Carolyn in this dream!). So I started, but then I started to get paranoid that if a masturbatory-length’s worth of time passed, the police would begin to grow suspoicious that my delay in reporting the dead body implied my complicity in a murder I did not actually commit.

So finally, I decided to call 911. But the phone at their house was not working for 911 called! 0 for operator wouldn’t work either! It was some stupid VOIP (voice over IP) phone that had stupid problems. Maybe someone was downloading torrents, sucking up all the bandwidth? But no, I believe the situation was that other numbers would work, but not 911 or 0. I had tried to look up some non-emergency or other numbers in a phone book, but I still had no luck. What the hell is wrong with this phone?

Finally — still in my underwear for some reason — I go to houses across the street asking if I can use the phone. People are hesitant to let a random crazed 38-year-old man in his underwear in to call 911. It just doesn’t sound like something people want to do.

Eventually, someone finally let me call the cops, who came.

''Dreams... They're the hurricanes that wash the soulfilth from the superdome of our nightminds.'' --Xavier:Renegade Angel

“Dreams… They’re the hurricanes that wash the soulfilth from the superdome of our nightminds.”
Xavier:Renegade Angel (more…)

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So, Dildo Valerie‘s blog had a post called “life art“, where she talked about some of the stupid shit she does to have fun. It made me think of my own stupid shit, though it quite possibly doesn’t fall into the “life art” category. It was still fun.

We used to take our bicycles…

postcard - naked women on tandem bicycle - b41c2 (b&w)

Is this viewable to the public? It’s flagged as “moderate” on flickr.

And go to a busy corner in Lake Ridge (Oakwood Dr. & Woodfern Ct. was our favorite)…

2003 - Woodbridge - my childhood home - with cars in driveway -  o (by Britt)

My house from ~1982-1999.

Then we would walk/run our bikes into each other, to create a realistic crash…

20091206 - hit a deer - front left - GEDC0912

A real accident — with real deer poop

We would then get under the bikes, and twist our body into painful looking positions, to simulate crash injuries…

20090829 - Evan's parents' cabin - (by Tabbitha) - 0 - Clint - funny face, thumb touching arm - 3886135214_0c4fae8bf1_b

Help! I’ve fallen in a bike accident, and I can’t get up!

Of course, we weren’t really bloody…

19891031 - Sam W, Sara W - Halloween costumes - 0410

Sarah and Sam W… Sam was the one I typically did this prank with.

We would then wait for a car to come by, and stop all concerned, and be like, “ARE YOU OKAY?!?!?!?!?!”


20050910 - camping - 0682 - Vicky xterra

“Hey… Are you kids hurt?”

1990s (mid) - Theta Zeta - Ben - 05

“What the hell’s wrong with you guys?! Are you okay?! Your bodies are so twisted up… I think… I’m gonna… be… sick….”

But it was pretty fun to mess with people. For a second, they were tricked into believing they had witnessed VIOLENT TEENAGE HORROR!! But in reality, it was fake:

postcard - what's that up on the road a head - b39c1 (b&w)

I wonder if they would fall for this one too?

And the marks were of course the most helpful, good-willed people.

We weren’t targeting douchebags — we were targeting good Samaritans! Oh the irony.

I wonder if Doug got the same reactions when he went around like this?

1990s (mid) - Theta Zeta - Doug - covered in blood - 20

OMG YOU’RE HURT!!!! ARE YOU OKAY???!?!?!

Mischief. Good times.

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We were in college again. We’d gone back to Viginia Tech. We had another basement-floor apartment, only this time it was a 2-storey building so there was somebody above us. Didn’t matter. I still played music a lot, and they didn’t seem to mind.

This apartment was a lot (2X?) bigger than our old one we had in real life while at college. It had a deck in back and everything. Quite large for a college apartment. We had a decent-sized bed in a bedroom bigger than our real-life bedroom. We had discussed how to arrange the furniture, and I said that we should just wait until we’ve lived in the apartment a month or two, to have a more organic sense of what we want where.

My Computer Science classes used one of the same books I had from my bachelor’s degree. I had only bought one book, actually. I’d also mostly done my work remotely. We’d been in town for over a week and I hadn’t even seen the campus yet. I had some paperwork so I finally went to it. Hot chicks everywhere. I had forgotten about the abundance of hotness in college. We did some paperwork. It also felt like paperwork for the new job I’m about to start in real life.

We were hanging out, and some friends breezed through. More specifically, ex-friends (people who hang out with enemies) and enemies (people who brought violence into my house and/or harassed me for years until I had no choice but to stop being friends with them). I was in the bathroom or on the computer or something, so I hadn’t noticed. Carolyn had gone out to bum a cigarette, and let them walk through the house, and hang out on the deck.

I felt very alienated and betrayed that Carolyn would undermine my (*and* her) decision to not associate with these people anymore, but I didn’t want to directly enter into a conflict with a mob of people outnumbernig me. (Been there, done that in real life, then took flak later for defending myself from a mob.)

So I signaled her in, and eventually she came in, and I kinda chewed her out for the whole situation. I think this actually woke me up a la nightmare.

Also, at some point before I woke up in real life, our friend Susan had invited us to some party that we went to, and we did that. I can’t remember too many detaials of the party, except that there was a room, a hallway, some people sitting on the floor, and it was mostly girls.

''Dreams... They're the hurricanes that wash the soulfilth from the superdome of our nightminds.'' --Xavier:Renegade Angel

“Dreams… They’re the hurricanes that wash the soulfilth from the superdome of our nightminds.”
Xavier:Renegade Angel (more…)

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