movie coverI'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Netflix link]

PEOPLE: Written & Directed by newcomer Tom Six. “Horror is really unexplored territory, and there are still barriers to look for,” he says. Here’s an interview with him about making the movie: [INTERVIEW].

Bad guy played by Dieter Laser, who has been in lots of German movies. He is basically a modern-day Mengele — this film could indeed be considered a commentary on the Holocaust science “experiments” performed on unwilling Jews. Hell, the character shared the same first name and nationality as Mengele. This is no coincidence. Nor is the inclusion of a Japanese character. This is World War 2 shit.

The two dumb bitches who pretty much deserve to die for being so fucking stupid are played by Ashley C. Williams (the only other movie she was in was Willow when she was 4 years old) and Ashlynn Yennie (who’s been in 2 movies before, 1 a TV movie). Yes, their real life names are Ashley and Ashlynn, and as a duo, they are as stupid in the movie as they sound in real life.

Also starring Akihiro Kitamura, a Japanese actor.

PLOT SUMMARY: An evil retired surgeon conspires to make a human centipede, sewing multiple people together — ass to mouth.

UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): Elective surgery leads to complications.

HAIKU REVIEW: Evil scientist;
Bad elective surgery
that nobody wants.

QUIRKS: Horror without hope. The IMDB forum for this movie has some of the most insane threads ever.

Contains English, German, and Japanese dialog.

VISUALS: They could have made this a lot grosser, actually. For a movie with peoples’ mouths sewn to other peoples’ asses, they could have had a LOT more shit eating. Instead, it’s about 10 seconds. Personally, I would have directed them to choke on the shit and show it dripping out of their nose. For all the people who won’t see this because it’s so gross — I think Troma movies are way grosser. This has blood. And a drop of puss. Whoop de do. Gwar concerts are more explicit. Troma movies have more blood and gore. This is actually tame, visual wise.

MORALS: Don’t be such a fucking dumbass. If you’re in the middle of the woods asking someone for help, don’t turn your back to them. Don’t drink whatever drink they give you. And if you have a chance to escape, TAKE IT, even if it means leaving your friend to die. At least you can try to get help.

GOOD STUFF: Such a feeling of hopeless despair. Such human suffering. THIS… IS… DISTURBING. They succeeded in disturbing me. This is as disturbing as the Saw movies, but with far less gore.

BAD STUFF? PLOT HOLES? STUPID PEOPLE? OF COURSE!: Like the girls never [highlight for spoilers] trying to use the phone. I don’t think these are actually plot holes. I think this is deliberate: These girls are FUCKING IDIOTS. They think cell phones work everywhere; they can’t navigate worth shit; they get lost; they wander into the woods with no sense of direction or purpose; they don’t take obvious ways out. That’s kind of the point–that crazy people aren’t necessarily perfectly methodical in their craziness. It takes a real fucking idiot to fall into the fate of the people in this movie. In a sense, they almost deserve what happens to them for being so fucking stupid. Even the [highlight for spoilers] cops willingly drink from a glass of water provided to them by a suspected mass murderer. I actually think the movie shows how having no street smarts can get yourself killed. I don’t consider their idiocy to be a flaw in the movie, I consider it to be a flaw reflective of the idiocy of certain aspects of humanity.

Of course, not every horror movie needs to have stupid people. If the criminal is a mastermind [and not just a crazy surgeon], he can ensnare smart people. Jigsaw from Saw ensnared plenty of intelligent people — albiet they all suffered from their own personal hubris.

Also, you don’t make a movie about the smart people who figured out how to escape. That’s kind of boring. A doctor tries to do something, but the people are smart, they escape, and it never happens. What kind of movie would that be? What would you call it? The Human Centipede That Almost Was But Then Wasn’t? No! You make a movie about STUPID FUCKING PEOPLE who get in ridiculous situations. You don’t make a movie about normal people who are too smart to fall for this shit. Hell, one of the staples of horror movies in general is that the people are so fucking stupid as to put themselves into these situations in the first place. It’s like what Eddie Murphy said about Amityville (or some horror): When the house says, “Get out!”, it’s time to say, “Too bad we can’t stay!” and get the fuck out. But if you made this happen in a horror movie, it would be over before it started. Of COURSE characters need to be idiotic for these premises to work. To treat a fundamental component necessary for a movie to happen as a flaw is a bit of a heavy-handed judgment to me.

BAD STUFF? NAHHH: People who watch this: They have lots of hate for it. I can’t believe the sheer idiocy of all the people who hate on this movie for being too gross or disturbing. 2 Girls 1 Cup is 100X sicker than this — IT’S A FICTIONAL HORROR MOVIE. IT’S SUPPOSED TO MAKE YOU FEEL HORRIFIED. Hating a horror movie for making you feel horrified is like hating a comedy movie for making you laugh too much, or hating a certain type of candy for tasting too good. To like horror movies but not like being horrified seems like an incredible oxymoron. The fact that so many people had to walk out, turn this off, or later decry it as the worst movie they’ve ever seen PROVES ITS MASTERFUL SUCCESS.

At least in Saw, you had a chance of living if you played the game right. And your actions were of your own free will (play or die). At least in Hostel, your torture ended after a few hours. This is quite possibly a fate worse than any fate dealt to anyone in any horror movie I’ve ever seen. That makes it an automatic masterpiece of horror. Of course, some people say it’s a dark comedy. Aren’t all horrors dark comedies, if you consider the fact that they are fictional?

CONCLUSION: FUCKING AWESOME. And original. And bold, going to new frontiers no horror film has dared explore. Though you could just say this is Croenenberg-ism taken to the max.

Clint: Netflix: 5/5 stars. IMDB: 9/10.
Carolyn: Netflix: 5/5 stars. IMDB: 9/10.
John The Canadien: Netflix: 5/5 stars. IMDB: 10/10.

The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 5.1/10 (really? hilarious), Netflix: 3.3/5 stars (Netflix‘s predicted rating for us was 4.0/5 stars).

RECOMMENDATION: DON’T BE SUCH A FUCKING PUSSY. If you don’t watch this, you’re not a true fan of being horrified. But to be fair, this is a movie for people with creative senses of imagination, who hold nothing sacred (i.e. non-pussies).

SIMILAR MOVIES: Saw, Hostel. People try to compare this to 2 Girls 1 Cup, but 2 Girls 1 Cup is wayyyyy grosser than this. They actually show it, it has vomit AND poop/stuff actually coming out of an actual ass. The Human Centipede is nothing compared to 2 Girls 1 Cup. The Human Centipede is nothing compared to German shit-porn.

MOVIE QUOTE: Dr.Heiter: I’ll explain this spectacular operation only once. We start with cutting the ligamentum patella, the ligaments of the kneecaps, so knee extension is no longer possible. Pulling from “B” and “C” the central incisors, lateral incisors and canines from the upper and lower jaws, the lips from “B” and “C,” and the anus of “A” and “B,” are cut circular along the border between skin and mucosa, the mucus cutaneous zone. Two pedicelated grafts are prepared and lifted from the underlying tissue. The shaped incisions below the chins of “B” and “C” up to their cheeks connecting the circular mucosa and skin parts of anus and mouth, from “A” to “B,” and “B” to “C,” connecting the pedicelated grafts to the chin-cheek incisions from “A” to “B,” and “B” to “C,” creating a Siamese triplet, connected via the gastric system. Ingestion by A, passing through B, to the excretion of C. The human centipede, first sequence.

COINCIDENCES: (The Human Centipede, Delocated S2E06) 2 videos in a row with surgery & someone waking up on a gurney in a cellar after surgery while strapped into the gurney.

FRIENDS’ RATINGS: John The Canadien’s review. Dildo Valerie loved it. Anna Dinamight didn’t like it(?). A lot of other people I know saw it and agreed it was disturbing.

Outlaw Vern’s review (“It’s only incredibly god damn disgusting in what it makes you think about, not what it shows.”) This is the best review of the movie available.

Here’s another review whining that it’s gross.

Here’s another review.

Mood: hurty
Music: Atari Teenage Riot – Hetzjagd Auf Nazis!