October 2012

 movie coverI'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Netflix link]

PEOPLE: From Alexander Aja, director of Mirrors (yay!!), High Tension (yay!), and The Hills Have Eyes. The writers I’d never heard of, but they wrote 2 eps of Avatar:The Last Airbender, which is kinda funny.

With Elizabeth Shue, as the person hiring a babysitter instead of being the babysitter. I see what you did there! A nod to her role in Adventures In Babysitting.

Also with Christopher Lloyd (Back To The Future), Richard Dreyfuss, Eli Roth, Jerry O’Connell (from Sliders, Scream 2, Stand By Me, Can’t Hardly Wait, and who also voiced Nightwing in The Batman cartoon) as a pornographer. Also with a porn star, a girl who was in 4 Smallville eps, and Jessica Szohr from Gossip Girl as the cute kinda-ethnic-looking love interest who gets sucked into the pornographer’s world.

PLOT SUMMARY: Piranha fish that kill people. It had to happen.

UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): [highlight for spoilers] Earthquake leads to marine life complications; partiers who fail to obey cops mauled.

QUIRKS: Ridiculous remake of an already-ridiculous horror.

VISUALS: 3-D, but we watched it in 2-D. Even in 2-D, it was obvious that a lot of the 3-D shots were gimmicky shots pandering to the technology. And those aren’t as enjoyable in 2-D… This was shot in 2-D with 3-D in mind, and converted to 3-D in post. Some people say that means it’s automatically horrible, but Nightmare Before Christmas was converted to 3-D in the same way, and it kicked ass.

MORALS: Spring break decadence will KILL YOU DEAD. (Haha.)

GOOD STUFF: Entertaining, but so utterly ridiculous.

BAD STUFF: Full of flaws. Script stupidity of the highest order, bad greenscreening, horridly obvious cgi, cgi used where they should have used practical effects, and thus the special effects were below average even though they were technically up to date. Unrealistic horror movie cliches, gratuitous sexy scenes, over-acting (Christopher Lloyd, but isn’t that his shtick?), bad acting. This movie had ’em all.

CONCLUSION: It’s not really that great. Full of flaws and script stupidity. Better to see it in 3-D if you’re really going to bother. It’s enjoyable, and we still liked it for virtue of being a passable movie… But it’s certainly nothing special or memorable.

Clint: Netflix: 3/5 stars. IMDB: 6/10.
Carolyn: Netflix: 3/5 stars. IMDB: 6/10.

The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 6.2/10, Netflix: 3.5/5 stars (Netflix‘s predicted rating for us was 3.6/5 stars–A bit in the wrong direction, Netflix.).

Our ratings seem to be pretty inline with the public’s ratings, this time. If not slightly lower.

RECOMMENDATION: Neutral, unless you can see it in 3-D, then: Go for it!

SIMILAR MOVIES: There’s already a sequel in the works…

MOVIE QUOTE: “Chew on this motherfuckers!”

FRIENDS’ OPINIONS: Reverend Pockets: “I saw it in 3D in the theater. I stand by my word. Best Film of ALL time.”


 movie coverI'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Netflix link]

PEOPLE: Written & Directed by Adam Green (Frozen).

Has cameos by Robert Englund (Freddy Krueger of Nightmare On Elm Street) [in the beginning sequence], Kane Hodder (Jason) [as Mr. Crowley], and Tony Todd (Candyman) [as Rev. Zombie].

Starring Joel Moore (Norm Spellman from Avatar, J.P. from Grandma’s Boy, Owen from Dodgeball:A True Underdog Story) played a kind of annoying, dorky, buzzkill character, and co-starring Tamara Feldman as Mary Beth. She is replaced by Danielle Harris [Super Capers, Halloween 4-5] in the sequel.

Parry Shen plays the tour guide. The pornographer guy, Joel Murray, was in One Crazy Summer. The token black guy was Deon Richmond (Scream 3, Not Another Teen Movie, Van Wilder 1, The Cosby Show). The older couple on the tour were played by Richard Riehle (who looks like the “This is what I do. I sit on you” guy from Tim And Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!, and will be in Harold & Kumar 3, and was in Palindromes, Mysterious Skin, Office Space, Fear & Loathing In Las Vegas, Lethal Weapon 4, Fried Green Tomatoes) and Patrika Darbo (Days Of Our Lives, Speed 2, Gremlins 2).

Joleigh Fioravanti (who was in 1 ep of Nip/Tuck), plays a soft-core porn-star brunette, with her DUMBEST-BLONDE-EVER “partner” played Misty by Mercedes McNab (Harmony Kendall from Buffy/Angel, Hatchet 2, young Susan Storm from The Fantastic Four movie). Somehow both these actresses return as the same character in Hatchet 2, [highlight for spoilers] even though I thought everyone died in this movie.

The monster is played by Rileah Vanderbilt (Frozen). Pretty awesome to have a monster played by a woman, even if it’s only for budget reasons.

UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): [highlight for spoilers] Fraudulent tour guide kills customers.

QUIRKS: Horror-comedy.

VISUALS: New Orleans-centric visuals: Bourbon Street and Swamps. The monster itself is not that impressive looking. It’s barely a cut above what you’d put in a Troma movie.

Joel Moore’s vomit was real.

SOUNDTRACK: Marilyn Manson!

GOOD STUFF: I wasn’t expecting any comedy, so the fact that this had some laughs in it turned out to be a pleasant surprise.

BAD STUFF: The horror doesn’t kick in for a long time… And when it does, it’s not that scary. So they saved the movie by making it funny — but some of the funny parts could have been funnier too.

CONCLUSION: A kind of generic mediocre horror movie, saved by dosing it with a decent amount of comedy.


Clint: Netflix: 3/5 stars. IMDB: 6.4/10 (a high 6).

Carolyn: Netflix: 3/5 stars. IMDB: 6/10. “It wasn’t terrible, but it was kind of stilted, in my opinion.. that guy was uber-lame in the beginning…but there were definitely funny parts… The horror part wasn’t as “horror-y” (horrible? hehe) as it could have been. But I don’t think it was trying to be… ”

The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 5.8/10 (the sequel gets 6.2), Netflix: 2.9/5 stars (the sequel gets 3.7/5 stars) (Netflix‘s predicted rating for us was 3.2/5 stars).

RECOMMENDATION: Neutral. Only reason to watch this, really, is to affirm the fact that Adam Green’s other movies aren’t as good as his magnum opus, the movie Frozen. If you do watch it, don’t expect to take it seriously.

SIMILAR MOVIES: Hatchet 2 – supposedly more serious and less of a comedy. And it has the “Amy” girl who was in The Walking Dead season 1 [her sister watched her die in ep #4 or #5].


[after Jenna and Misty’s make-out session in front of the guys]
Jenna: Eww! Brush your teeth much?
Misty: Lick me, bitch.
Jenna: No thanks. I like my tongue without the syphilis.
Misty: You’re syhpilis, Ms. Big Words!
Jenna: …Okay, that didn’t even make sense.
Misty: Lick me. (more…)

 movie coverI'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Netflix link]

UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): Republicans accidentally make strippers strip better, then[highlight for spoilers] shoot them.

PEOPLE: Starring Robert Englund (Freddy from Nightmare On Elm Street, Willie from the original V series, Jack Brooks:Monster Slayer, The Adventures Of Ford Fairlane) is the only good actor in the entire movie. He’s not exactly an Oscar winner, but he’s still awesome nonetheless. Also with Jenna Jameson (the porn star), Roxy Saint (some singer) as Lilith the goth chick, Penny Drake as the redhead, Whitney Anderson, Shamron Moore, Jeannette Sousa (Urban Legends:Final Cut), and Carmit Levite as the ridiculous Blavatski woman.

QUIRKS: Zombies. Strippers. Badfilm. And that’s about it.

VISUALS: Zombies. Strippers. Tits. Blood.

WILHELM SCREAM: Yup! When she threw a patron against the wall…

MORALS: Nope, not here.

SOUNDTRACK: Pointless.

POLITICS: Anti-Republican statements are thrown in, yet politics have almost nothing to do with anything in the movie. It’s like they just wanted to get on the anti-Republican bandwagon too. The opening 2 minutes was the best part, in this respect.

GOOD STUFF: Zombies. Strippers. Tits. Blood.

BAD STUFF: Wow… Bad writing, bad acting, bad editing, bad special effects, bad cgi, looks like video cameras. Yet… Zombies! And… Strippers!

It got a bit better once you got through the first half, but it really just seemed like an excuse to see strippers acting like zombies. Of course, that’s what the title implies…

It was almost like a Troma movie. If I’d known that going in, I might have been able to deal with it more easily.

The racist comedy isn’t even funny racist comedy. Call a guy Paco, make him have a ridiculous mustache, make him the janator, and then have him say, “Badgers? We don’t need no stinkin’ badgers.” It seems like it was written by a high schooler. A lot of racist comedy is funny — because I am a firm believer that NOTHING is sacred, not even Jesus’s penis rubbing up on the World Trade Centers’ ashes. This time, it wasn’t. Jokes aren’t automatically funny, and a lot of the humor in this movie was just NOT funny.

CONCLUSION: A terrible movie — even when compared to Troma movies. This is trying to be so bad it’s good, and failing by just being flat out bad. Yet, we have zombies and strippers, which was enough for us to want to finish watching it, even though watching it was painful a majority of the time.

Clint: Netflix: 2.6/5 stars. IMDB: 4/10.
Carolyn: Netflix: 2.6/5 stars. IMDB: 4/10.

Wow. This is about the closest we’ve ever rated a movie to it’s IMDB AND Netflix ratings. 4 vs 4.4, 2.6 vs 2.6!:
The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 4.4/10 (for once, we agree, and rate lower than IMDB), Netflix: 2.6/5 stars (Netflix‘s predicted rating for us was 3.9/5 stars, and was way wrong).

RECOMMENDATION: If you like strippers and zombies, you might want to plow through this just to look at strippers and zombies. Don’t expect a good movie, though. This is badfilm. Don’t even expect a Troma-quality movie.

Also: ONLY WATCH THIS IN BLU-RAY QUALITY. There’s no way the titillation is worth it in standard def.

SIMILAR MOVIES: Lesbian Vampire Killers — though we haven’t watched that yet.


Cole: Hey, you think this is a good idea? I mean, wasn’t that bitch dead a minute ago?
Ian: Fuck it. What’s the worse that can happen?

Paco: It’s Paco time.

(opening dialog) Announcer: George W Bush has won his fourth consecutive term as president, taking Florida, which due to a glitch in the Jeb B voting terminals, tallied one single vote for President Bush and Vice President Schwarzenegger. Bush’s presidency was unanimously declared legally binding by the Supreme Court as well as “totally cool” by Supreme Justice Jenna Bush who subsequently set in motion another Supreme Kegger. Following the landslide victory, a constitutional amendment banning public nudity was implemented. Shortly thereafter, President Bush dissolved Congress, claiming it was “cramping his style.” American Troops continue to be strung thin due to the still raging wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria, Iran, Lebanon, Libya, Pakistan, Venezuela, France, Canada, and Alaska.

^ If only the rest of the movie could have been this good. Or even about this at all.

5 new photos uploaded just now (October 26, 2012 at 07:29AM).

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 movie coverI'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Netflix link]

UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): Halliburton makes more money than ever.

PEOPLE: Written by the same writer as The Amityville Horror (2005), The Machinist (2004), and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003). Scott Kosar mostly rewrites old horror movies, huh? Also written by the writer of the movie Pulse. Starring Timothy Olyphant (the drug dealer in Go, Scream 2, Gone In 60 Seconds, the backstabbing producer in The Girl Next Door), Radha Mitchell (Surrogates, Silent Hill, Phone Booth, Pitch Black), Joe Anderson, Danielle Panabaker (Friday The 13th 2009), Christie Lynn Smith.

QUIRKS: Remake of George Romero’s 1973 horror film of the same title. Good action. A couple fairly disturbing scenes. Not your typical “zombies”: They don’t spread their infection. It’s the water that infects you.

I gotta say, the scene where the couple are holding hands [highlight for spoilers] in front of the nuclear explosion just kinda struck me as super romantic and kind of sweet. Is that weird?

MORALS: If people start going crazy, don’t drink the water.

POLITICS: The government is NOT your friend in a crisis situation. They are the ones most likely to kill you! Just look at Hurricane Katrina for another example.

BAD STUFF: The town became a ghost town WAY too soon. I mean, here we are focused on a bunch of characters who randomly didn’t get sick — yet they hardly show anyone else who shared the same fate. Statistically, there would have to be more than just those 3 or so characters! However, it could be that the government had already infiltrated when this happened. Still, they should have made that transition more gradual.

The movie is in general uninspired — it’s pretty exclusively things we’ve seen before. Now that’s to be expected with a zombie / government containment movie, but still. People have plenty of complaints, and they’re valid. But others liked this one better than the original, and I’m betting I would too.

Still — jump scares and deus ex machinas. Watch out for ’em.

CONCLUSION: The same ol’ zombie / government containment plot. Pretty well executed.

Clint: Netflix: 4/5 stars. IMDB: 7.2/10. (That is, tempted to give it an 8/10.)
Carolyn: Netflix: 4/5 stars. IMDB: 7/10.
The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 6.9/10, Netflix: 3.8/5 stars (Netflix‘s predicted rating for us was 3.7/5 stars–interesting that it was slightly lower).

RECOMMENDATION: If you need more zombie flicks, here’s one.

SIMILAR MOVIES: Most zombie flicks, except the infection doesn’t really grow here. Everyone simply gets infected at the same time.

MOVIE QUOTE: David Dutton: Don’t ask me why I can’t leave without my wife and I won’t ask you why you can. (more…)

5 new photos uploaded just now (October 25, 2012 at 07:35AM).

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1 new photos uploaded just now (October 24, 2012 at 07:16AM).

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