2001 - computer - Fire - in it's heyday doing IRC

IRC downloading, 2001

Remember IRC? It was the first thing I did when I got on the internet in 1992 at Virginia Tech — and the first time I’d done it legally. Funny stuff you could do with the mIRC IRC client. You could have a custom quit message. For example, you could type:

/quit gotta go to work

and then it would say to everyone else in the channel:

ClintJCL (192.168.0.1) quit the channel (gotta go to work).

Wanting to out-do everyone else, I thought it would be funny to say something offensive to a lot of people. Especially since they can’t kick you from the channel — because you just quit! But I wanted my solution to be technically impressive too, so I scripted up random twisted sentences, by creating some text files that would be pieced together, almost like a Mad-Lib. That way, I could leave, and it would automatically come up with hilarious/crazy/sick/twisted things.

Here are some actual examples:

  1. ClintJCL (192.168.0.1) quit the channel (sold children to pimps (who will make whores out of them), while they slowly bled to death).ClintJCL (192.168.0.1) quit the channel (got a blow job from your fat mom while on the floor of congress).
  2. ClintJCL (192.168.0.1) quit the channel (sold children to cannabalistic African tribes, where they will slowly starve to death)
  3. ClintJCL (192.168.0.1) quit the channel (got a rim job from your fat mom in front of the Queen Of England).
  4. ClintJCL (192.168.0.1) quit the channel (smoked medical marijuana with The Taliban in front of 221 innocent children).
  5. ClintJCL (192.168.0.1) quit the channel (sold children to child pornographers, while they pleaded for their lives).
  6. ClintJCL (192.168.0.1) quit the channel (dropped acid with Ronald Reagan while in the White House).
  7. ClintJCL (192.168.0.1) quit the channel (sold children to black market organ harvesters, while onlookers laughed).
  8. ClintJCL (192.168.0.1) quit the channel (had an intense bondage session with your aunt while watching cartoons).
  9. ClintJCL (192.168.0.1) quit the channel (got a hand job from Mohammad Atta on national television).
  10. ClintJCL (192.168.0.1) quit the channel (sold children to black market organ harvesters, where their spirit will be broken).
  11. ClintJCL (192.168.0.1) quit the channel (spooged all over your raunchy mom in front of 566 innocent children).
  12. ClintJCL (192.168.0.1) quit the channel (sold children to medical laboratories for twisted genetic experiments, where their spirit will be broken).
  13. ClintJCL (192.168.0.1) quit the channel (snorted crystal meth with George Bush while going on a homocidal killing spree).
  14. ClintJCL (192.168.0.1) quit the channel (spanked Mohammad Atta in front of Mohammad Atta’s mother).
  15. ClintJCL (192.168.0.1) quit the channel (smoked P.C.P. with George W. Bush in front of 317 starving Afghan refugees).
  16. ClintJCL (192.168.0.1) quit the channel (took psychedelic mushrooms with Jesus Christ in front of 567 innocent children).
  17. ClintJCL (192.168.0.1) quit the channel (spanked your sister in front of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir).

The possibilities, while not endless, were pretty damn vast.

How did I do this?

I did this by piecing together sentence fragments from text files I created. Sentences followed one of these formats:

  1. sold children $read(thingstosellchidreninto.lst) $+ , $read(sadsentenceendings.lst)
  2. $read(drugtaking.lst) with $read(funnydrugcelebrities.lst) $read(funnysentenceendings.lst)
  3. $read(sexualthingstodowithpeople.lst) $read(funnypeopletohavesexwith.lst_ $read(funnysentenceendings.lst_)
  4. It was also set up so that about 5% of the time, it would make political statements, quote Sabbat lyrics, or Praise “Bob” …. but I’m not including those in this blogpost. This blogpost is about funny things I’ve said dynamically and programatically; not static things I’ve said. :)

I will include the actual contents of the files at the bottom of the post. But here is the list of the files themselves:

  • drugs.lst: a list of drugs (pot, acid, cocaine).
  • drugtaking.lst: a list of drugtaking phrases (injected heroin, dropped acid, smoked pot).
  • Ha! Ha! Overdosing on drugs and trying to kill yourself is funny!!

  • FunnyDrugCelebrities.lst: a list of people/entities that are amusing to think about doing drugs. (The Pope, Barbara Bush, Janet Reno, God).
  • Haha.. Celebrities are funny to do drugs with. Aren't Sid & Nancy funny? Ha ha.

  • FunnyPeopleToHaveSexWith.lst: it’s what the filename sounds like. (Your mom, your sister, your dead grandmother’s corpse, etc).

    Funny to have sex with

  • FunnySentenceEndings.lst: Tacked on to the ends of sentences to make them funnier. (while in the whitehouse, on national television, in front of 22 cops, in front of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir)

    everything's funnier in front of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir!

  • SadSentenceEndings.lst: This could have been in the same file as FunnySentenceEndings, but I randomly decided whether it would be funny or sad. Sad ones included “while they begged for death’s sweet release”, “while they slowly bled to death”, “where they will spend the rest of their lives in misery”, and such.

    sentence endings so sad...they're funny

  • SexualThingsToDoWithPeople.lst: A list of sex acts (had anal sex with, had an intense bondage session with, etc)

    No... Really... Weird sex acts ARE FUNNY!!!

  • …And the most twisted filename of all: ThingsToSellChildrenInto.lst (sweatshops, sexual slavery, etc – check out the full file below)

    Postcard - 2 boys smoking

    Sell them into smoking advertising! HA HA!

  • HatedPeople.lst: Only used from within FunnyPeopleToHaveSexWith.lst (because it’s funny to have sex with hated people) and FunnySentenceEndings (because it’s funny to do things in front of the mom’s of hated people). Osama Bin Laden was in this list. I really could have made this a nice, long list if I’d really tried.

And now, past the jump, the contents of the files themselves… But first, a Sloth!

_Sloth_

This is actually related to the discussion. Back in the IRC days, my name was _Vengeance_. Needing to win wars against other people's scripts, I ended up running several other clients, including _Wrath_, _Sloth_, and _Avarice_. Well, someone sent this sloth.jpg file to me randomly once! Paranoid people will never experience the joys that can be had by automatically accepting unattended file transfers from strangers!

What Would Jesus Smoke - bumper sticker - y7845_450

DRUGS.LST:

some drugs are repeated so they come up more often; exotic drugs only appear once; common drugs appear several times:
acid
absinthe
cannabis
cocaine
crack cocaine
crystal meth
D.M.T.
ecstacy
G.H.B.
hashish
heroin
ketamine
L.S.D.
L.S.D.
L.S.D.
medicinal marijuana
marijuana
marijuana
marijuana
mescaline
methamphetamine
methcathinone
opium
P.C.P.
pot
pot
pot
pot
pot
psychedelic mushrooms
shrooms
weed

20070113 - Clint's 33rd Birthday party - Mark - jello shot while smoking - (by Britt) - 360153648_c3e97404c2_o

DRUGTAKING.LST:

ate acid
ate pot brownies
drank tequilla
dropped acid
dropped L.S.D.
inhaled nitrious oxide
injected heroin
smoked crack
smoked cystal meth
smoked hash
smoked heroin
smoked marijuana
smoked medical marijuana
smoked opium
smoked pot
smoked P.C.P.
snorted cocaine
snorted cystal meth
snorted ephidrene
snorted ketamine
snorted methamphetimine
snorted methcathinone
snorted Ritalin
took barituates
took ecstacy
took mescaline
took psychedelic mushrooms
took Ritalin
took shrooms

20090117 - Kevin Nealon, Clint, Carolyn - 174-7493

FUNNYDRUGCELEBRITIES.LST:

Adolf Hitler (what a fag)
Al Gore
Barbara Bush
George Bush
George W. Bush
God
Janet Reno
Jesse Helms
Jesus Christ
Mother Theresa
Osama bin Laden
Richard Nixon
Ronald Reagan
Satan
The Pope
The Taliban
Woody Harrelson

20090124 - Clint's 35th Birthday Party - Lynne Cheney - 2 - (by AE) - 3225147133_6de88181b7_o

FUNNYPEOPLETOHAVESEXWITH.LST:

your mom
your raunchy mom
your fat mom
your ugly mom
your aunt
your great-grandmother’s corpse
your dead grandmother’s corpse
your mother
your sister
your woman
The Taliban
$read(HatedPeople.lst)

^^^ Yes!! It’s funny to have sex with people you hate!

So here’s HATEDPEOPLE.LST, which I barely got to work on before I quit IRC:

Osama bin Laden
Mohammad Atta

1990s (mid) - Theta Zeta - Doug - covered in blood - 20

FUNNYSENTENCEENDINGS.LST:

in front of $read(hatedpeople.lst) ‘s mother. – Yes, it’s funny to do things in front of people you hate’s mothers!
in front of $rand(2,25) cops
in front of $rand(142,583) innocent children
in front of $rand(92,669) starving Afghan refugees
in front of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir
in front of the Queen Of England
in front of the Taliban
while in the White House
while on the floor of congress
on national television
while watching cartoons
while going on a homocidal killing spree

20091215 - cats vs. mouse #24 - 0 - GEDC1179 - Lemonjello, mouse - sad

SADSENTENCEENDINGS.LST:

while religious fundamentalists praised what was happening as a ‘good deed’
while onlookers laughed
while the Taliban killed their parents
while they begged for death’s sweet release
while they begged for sweet oblivion
while they pleaded for their lives
while they screamed for mercy
while they screamed in agony
while they slowly bled to death
where they will slowly starve to death
where they will spend the rest of their lives in misery
where their spirit will be broken

20080704 - X-Day at Brushwood - 161-6129 - random dude humping Bob

SEXUALTHINGSTODOWITHPEOPLE.LST:

spanked
spooged all over
got a blow job from
got a hand job from
got a rim job from
had deep, penetrating anal sex with
had oral sex with
had kinky sex with
had an intense bondage session with

1980ish - Marcia, Clint, Emily - 0017

THINGSTOSELLCHILDRENINTO.LST:

into sexual slavery
to black market organ harvesters
to child pornographers
to medical laboratories for twisted genetic experiments
to sweatshops
to pimps (who will make whores out of them)

IN SUMMARY:

Anyway… suffice to say.. I really made the most out of the IRC /quit command.

Mood: full
Music: Sleater-Kinney with Pearl Jam – Mother (live)