movie coverI'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Netflix link]

PLOT SUMMARY: Some people sail and then walk and some fighting happens occasionally. The end.

UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): Boring people go on a boring quest and [highlight for spoilers] die pointlessly and boringly.

PEOPLE: Directed and co-written by Nicolas Winding Refn — Let’s make sure to never watch anything of his. One Eye (who represents Odin) played by Mads Mikkelsen (Clash Of The Titans: Draco). Jamie Sives was in Clash Of The Titans and this movie as well. Mostly, these are like Norwegian actors or something.

QUIRKS: Fantasy quest, Christian/Pagan tension. But NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT action.

The story caused me to keep thinking of the Sabbat Dreamweaver album during, as a lot of the story had similar aspects to the Way Of The Wyrd story Dreamweaver is based on. Specific parts of the movie were analogous to specific songs on the album (mostly side 1). Even up to the point of the Wyrd sisters buzzing as a swarm of bees in the book/album — in this movie, there was a inexplicable and almost spiritual swarm of flies in a similar fashion. Except nothing ever came of that or anything else in the movie! Or, rather, it’s all over our heads because our heads aren’t in the cloud. Such an annoying movie. Someone said it’s a “tone poem”, whatever the fuck that is. Also described as “dime store spirituality”.

VISUALS: It definitely had an interesting visual style, and a unique cinematography. But it didn’t live up to its potential at all.

SOUNDTRACK: Bleak, blowing wind. No, actually, they had some modern music during certain scenes. It helped add tension. Of coursed this tension was never really resolved, so it was just masturbation.

MORALS: Fuck if I know.

POLITICS: Christians suck.

GOOD STUFF: Had it’s visceral, violent moments. The “arrow that I felt the most of any arrow in any movie ever”. VERY surprising, VERY well done. Best arrow shot in a movie ever. And still not worth it — [highlight for spoilers] they never say who it came from, and while they stop using their ship after that, they still stand about in the open as if another arrow coming isn’t within the realm of possibility. So fucking stupid.. They had good elements and managed to fail to make a good movie with them.

There is definitely an “unreleting sense of despair and pathos”, if you’re into that.

BAD STUFF: It’s an arthouse film. SO FUCKING BORING. OH MY GOD. NOTHING HAPPENS AT A REASONABLE PACE. NOBODY TALKS. PEOPLE DON’T EVEN MOVE THEIR HEADS. CONVERSATIONS [the few that exist] TAKE EONS. Eurotrash.

Seriously, hardly anything happens. We watched the Astro Boy movie after this movie, and more happened in the first 2 minutes Astro Boy than in all 90 minutes of this movie.

Spirituality and religion interest me. I don’t feel spirituality. I’m not going to empathize with spiritual bullshit. Not at THIS pace.

TRAILER:

This trailer probably includes over half the dialog and events that occur in the whole movie…

CONCLUSION: STAY AWAY! If there was a point to that, I don’t know what it was. It seemed like there was supposed to be some deeper message to it, but we didn’t get it. Maybe it was this. It was just completely slow and boring, with moments of brief, intense violence. One of the slowest, most boring films I’ve ever seen in my life. Nobody moves. Nobody talks. Cinematic masturbatory stupidity.

RATINGS:
Clint: Netflix: 2/5 stars. IMDB: 4/10.
Carolyn: Netflix: 2/5 stars. IMDB: 4/10.
The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 5.9/10, Netflix: 3.3/5 stars (Netflix‘s predicted rating for us was 3.0/5 stars–How right it was that we would like this less than average).

RECOMMENDATION: STAY AWAY FROM THIS!

SIMILAR MOVIES: The slow pacing kept reminding me of the feeling of watching the movie Avalon [the one about the video game] — especially Avalon’s later half — except with hardly anything interesting going on. Just people on a silent quest to nowhere doing nothing.

But in fact, this movie was probably closer to Dust Devil than anything else I’ve seen. Except Dust Devil had more interesting visuals, far more dialog and audio, and wasn’t nearly as boring or incoherent.

Dead Man also comes to mind, but Dead Man had humor to take the edge off the pointlessness. This… didn’t. Any chance to redeem itself was missed.

Or maybe Eraserhead — that was full of despair and emptiness. But at least we get the Lady In The Radiator / In Heaven song, the dancing chicken, and all that David Lynch surrealness. None of that here. Just the despair and emptiness.

MOVIE QUOTE: Viking chief: “He’s never belonged to anyone for more than 5 years, your time has passed, mine has come.” Pffft.

FRIENDS’ RATINGS: Matt D said to not watch it, it’s the most boring thing ever. He’s right.

Kills:


Mood: not hung over
Music: Nine Inch Nails – Letting You