movie coverI'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Netflix link]

PEOPLE: Starring Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz. Just like Vanilla Sky.

We also recognized Viola Davis, but I’m not sure from where. Sure, we’ve seen Traffic, Kate & Leopold, and most of Solaris (so awful I aborted, a 1 in 400 movie occurrence) — but I wouldn’t think she’d be memorable from those.

PLOT SUMMARY: Clueless car-loving blonde bumps into Tom Cruise, and suddenly her life is in danger from a global conspiracy. Wait — is this the real life story of Katie Holmes? (No, not really.)

UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): [highlight for spoilers] Taxpayer money fails to kill innocent civilian.

QUIRKS: Over-the-top, ridiculous action. Cartoonily ridiculous. Think Crank / Shoot ‘Em Up / Wanted ridiculousness levels. This is an action-romance-comedy.

This movie passed through 7 different writers and several sets of stars before finally morphing into what it ultimately became.

VISUALS: Fights!

MORALS: Nope, not really. Surviving a government conspiracy is simply a roll of the dice. No real morals here.

POLITICS: Government corruption kills innocents.

GOOD STUFF: The action/romance angle is funny, and a refreshing when compared to romantic comedies that have no gunfights.

BAD STUFF: It’s a romantic comedy in disguise. But I’ve long thought that shitty genres mixed with good genres produce watchable films. It’s why I don’t mind the Twilight movies. They’re certainly better than shitty teen romances without vampires and werewolves. And this is certainly better than shitty Tom Cruise / Cameron Diaz romance movies without vast, ridiculous government conspiracies.

The action is ridiculous. People survive situations they’d never survive in real place. Suspension of disbelief is required; this is one of the “cartoony aspects” of the movie.

Carolyn: “Why are they having a moment right now?!?”
Clint: “Becuase the pacing of a formulaic movie requires that this happens now.”
Carolyn: “Oh. Right.”

CONCLUSION: For mindless ridiculous action combined with a paper-thin romance story and predictable pacing… This was still entertaining. Call it king of the turds; we still both liked it despite it’s vapidness. Ridiculous cartoony action is fun. Michael Bay probably could have made this better, haha.

Clint: Netflix: 3/5 stars. IMDB: 7/10. Met my expectations rather precisely.
Carolyn: Netflix: 4/5 stars. IMDB: 7/10. Exceeded her expectations.
The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 6.5/10, Netflix: 3.7/5 stars (Netflix‘s predicted rating for us was 3.8/5 stars).

RECOMMENDATION: This could be a good compromise movie between a husband who wants some cartoony action, and a wife who wants a romance story about a scientologist and a girl who gets cum in her hair.

SIMILAR MOVIES: There’s a level of ridiculous action, like in the movie Crank, or the movie Wanted, or the movie Shoot ‘Em Up. But I’d say, out of the three, that it’s most like Shoot ‘Em Up, but if it was done as a romance-action instead of a gun-loving action.

MOVIE QUOTE: “Don’t worry. I’ve got it.”

COINCIDENCES: Two videos within a week featuring a howto on how to escape someone grabbing you from behind. The other was The Boondocks episode where the black guy who acts white conquers his fear of going to jail and getting anally raped, and uses the same move to escape his captors.

OTHER REVIEWS: Outlaw Vern’s review captures a lot of the flaws in this movie.

Music: Marvin Gaye – I Heard It Through The Grapevine