movie coverI'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Fortunately, not available on Netflix.] [Official site]

QUIRKS: Based on a role-playing game called Midnight, which is a campaign setting (fictional world) in which Dungeons & Dragons is played; an evil-dominated world. So the genre is, obviously, fantasy. Go ahead and click the link and read it. It’s far more interesting than this movie. Here’s a 3rd-party review of the role-playing game.

Is not strictly a “real” movie. This is a failed pilot TV movie. Like Virtuality, for example. (Except Virtuality was awesome.)

PEOPLE: It is important that we remember who is responsible for this piece of garbage. That would be writer, director, and producer Christian T. Petersen. Let us remember this name, and to NEVER LET HIM WRITE OR DIRECT A MOVIE AGAIN. Let us not also forget that Greg Banage is credited with the story.

PLOT SUMMARY: A Legate [powerful bad magic guy] hunts down another Legate who has forsaken The Shadow. Blah blah blah.

UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): A world full of assholes who are assholes because their world is so fucking boring and nothing happens.

VISUALS: You’d think in 2008 with HD cameras they could at least get the visuals right. Indeed, they are the only redeeming part of the movie. But they are still a bit stiff and bottom-of-the-barrel compared to most movies. They made the Discworld movies (the great Christmasy Hogfather movie, and the so-so Color Of Magic movie) look like Hollywood movies. Apparently a lot of their props and sets were donated from the Minnesota Renaissance Festival.

MORALS: Don’t watch movies.

POLITICS: Evil rules. Let it. Your struggle will not be worth watching, even when turned into a movie.

GOOD STUFF: That blonde they showed for 2 minutes.

BAD STUFF: Everything. The dialog. The acting. The plot (is there even one?). **Even the editing** was retarded. They managed to fuck up even the editing. And oh, it’s long. And it’s a big build-up with a disappointing “climax” that barely counts as a climax. Then they ham it up with the power of books in the last 60 seconds. Really, everything about this so-called “movie” makes me want to murder the whole planet, starting with myself.

CONCLUSION: The worst piece of filth I’ve watched since Fraternity House.

Clint: Netflix: 1.4/5 stars. IMDB: 2.6/10.
Carolyn: Netflix: 1/5 stars. IMDB: 3/10.
The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 4.4/10. And rightly so. But one of the few movies we’ve watched with such a low rating that actually deserves it.

RECOMMENDATION: STAY THE FUCK AWAY. Or, alternately, if this is aired in front of your self, kill yourself as quick as possible.

SIMILAR MOVIES: I’m thinking the Dungeons & Dragon movie was 50X better than this.

MOVIE QUOTE: “I’m a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt.”

COINCIDENCES: (real life, this movie) Several parts of me died simultaneously while watching this.

FRIENDS’ RATINGS: My friends are too fortunate to have seen this.

OTHER REVIEWS: Just read the IMDB reviews. They pretty much sum up how much this FUCKING SUCKS.Mood: full
Music: Slayers – Slayers Opening Theme