The party from this picture ws pretty awesome, as were the experiences of attending this party.
Up until a drunk DJ Mike Kangal sexually assaulted Carolyn with his unwanted non-consensual ass groping, which she never received an apology for. And then J.W. with her appeals to not tell the host about the violation until after the party (incredibly shitty advice–which I criticized vehemently later–which resulted in J.W. later making a huge scene at a MakePeace party, holding Clio hostage, and screaming in her face multiple times “If you want to be a woman, grow some fuckin’ tits! I’ll show you how estrogen works!”, because Clio dare criticized her for her incredibly shitty advice).
So anyway, after J.W.’s shitty advice that later resulted in transphobic screaming in Clio’s face, Carolyn finally found Clio, and Clio insisted, “We have to report this right away. The first thing people say to discount sexual assault victims is ‘Why didn’t you report it sooner?’ So let’s find the host RIGHT NOW”. And we did. As we “filed” our “report”, Clio was hyperventilating, trying her best to stay calm and avoid Mike in order to avoid further confrontation. (DJ Kangal also went into a drunk yelling tirade at a DIFFERENT girl who he THOUGHT was the one who reported him, with her later chiding him for how incredibly shitty he was.)
#MeToo
Further confounding things: When Evan violated peoples’ consent, he was forced by the host to leave the party for being drunk. When Kangal violated peoples’ consent, the host protected him with “He’s too drunk to kick out”. Completely and utterly inconsistent.
#MeToo
So the party unfortunately turned out to be a huge nexus of drama. Friends became enemies that night; enemies became friends that night. Clio was a perfect angel, never making a scene, never starting a fight with the person who groped her wife’s ass, and actually spending most of her time with four people she had previously defriended! All but one have now been refriended.
But none of that mattered. A week later, the hosts of the party summarily blocked both of us without explanation or further answer to requests for clarification. Why? We don’t know. We assume it is because we did not follow the Unwritten Rulebook Of How Sexual Assault Victims Must Behave, combined with a dash of sexism and transphobia.
Why is that our conclusion? Well, our 3rd-to-last non-trivial interaction was the host sending me a Facebook private message professing that they valued the friendship of Carolyn & I, which was one of our oldest, clocking in at about 10 years. The 2nd-to-last non-trivial interaction with the host was them OPENLY LAUGHING at their first glimpse of Clio, presenting female (this was at the fetish ball 3 days before Clio came out as trans). That was a humiliating and anxiety-creating experience that only made Clio feel worse about her coming out anxiety, and unsupported by her old friend. It gave Clio pause, but she tried to ignore the laughing incident. And then there was the party, the sexual assault, and us being blocked with no explanation.
#MeToo
We simply can’t think of a single experience in our life that felt more like oppressive rape culture, where a perpetrator is deliberately protected, and the victims ousted for being victims. Sprinkle it with the laughing at Clio’s female presentation, and suddenly it seems like the whole friendship was some kind of dishonest lie. The whole incident was a huge component in Clio having suicidal thoughts for the first time in her life around Christmas (along with Clio’s father’s shitty behavior, and other #MeToo fallout).
#MeToo
Suffice to say, it’s incredibly disheartening to find out that one’s friends who virtue signal having a moral compass about consent … Actually have no moral compass about consent whatsoever, to the point of protecting a sexual assault perpetrator.
#MeToo
And of course we know how things played out behind the scenes. Of COURSE we know about the new secret group. Of COURSE we know that the parties didn’t actually stop. Of COURSE we know about the “votes” against us. Of COURSE we know some of the stuff that’s been said behind our back. Of COURSE we know how different reasons for their block have been told to different people (including: It was actually because I’m argumentative {but only after sexual assault & gender transition was that an issue}; It was actually because I’m not friends with people I used to be friends with {but only after sexual assault & gender transition was this an issue, despite the host having regularly blasted and bragged about their own defriending}).
We’re not buying any of those explanations… We know that the consent violation & gender transition were the only real things that happened between “you’re our friend” and “now you’ve blocked us”. And the reason we’ve heard some of the hosts’ private explanations is that people thought it was a shitty thing to do, and thus many mutual friends spilled the beans in our direction as to what’s been said behind our back about us.
And of COURSE we know that the sexual assaulter is still protected and welcomed by the hosts, and their continuing parties with their new secret facebook group–While us, the victims, got blocked.
Just Remember: Your friends are rarely who you think they are. You don’t know someone’s true colors until you (or they) have some kind of crisis. It was soooo shitty for us to lose close friends right when Clio needed their support the most — a mere month after coming out as trans. So yeah. Those people aren’t good friends, and you might want to be wary of their space. If that’s how they treat 10 year friends who report consent violations, then you can’t report consent violations if you want to remain friends with them. Or you need to follow an unwritten playbook. Thus, if consent violation in this space comes with repercussions, then their space should not be considered a safe one regarding issues of consent. The end.
#MeToo
#MeToo
#MeToo
#MeToo
#MeToo
#MeToo
#MeToo
Ex-Friend’s house, Sterling, Virginia.
October 28, 2017.
Claire's blog 