Claire's blog

VIDEO: MOVIES: CARTOONS: REVIEW: The Lorax (2012)

Clio: 2.8/5 stars, 5.4/10.
Carolyn: 3/5 stars, 5.6/10.
Native ratings: 4.1/5 stars Netflix, 6.3/10 IMDB.

Based on the Dr. Suess book. Very generic. Too many songs. It’d probably be more enjoyable for a young kid, but didn’t have nearly as much to offer to adults.

Worth it to be able to visually explore a CGI instance of a Seuss-inspired world. For a lot of these Seuss movies, that’s really the sole point: Seeing what it looks like a grander scale.

Worth it, but I’d like more.

Directed by:
Chris Renaud (Despicable Me) and Kyle Balda.
written by: Ken Daurio (Despicable Me, Horton Hears A Who, College Road Trip, The Santa Clause 2).

Starring Danny DeVito (Taxi, Penguin in Batman Returns, Twins, The War Of The Roses, Man On The Moon, Mars Attacks!, It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia) as The Lorax.
Ed Helms (Andy Bernard in The Office, The Hangover movies, 3 eps of Arrested Development, Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story, Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay) as The Once-ler.
Zac Efron (Anakin Skywalker in Robot Chicken: Star Wars Episode III, 17 Again, High School Musical, 1 ep of Firefly) as Ted.
Taylor Swift (the singer) as Audrey.
Betty White as Grammy Norma.
Rob Riggle (P.O.T.N. in NTSF:SD:SUV, 4 eps of American Dad, The Hangover, Step Brothers, Human Giant, Talladega Nights: The Ballad Of Ricky Bobby) as Mr. O’Hare.
Jenny Slate (2 eps of Bob’s Burgers, 1 ep of Ugly Americans, Saturday Night Live) as Ted’s Mom.
Nasim Pedrad (87 eps of Saturday Night Live, The Dictator, 7 eps of Allen Gregory) as Once-ler’s Mom.
Elmarie Wendel (Mrs. Dubcek in 3rd Rock From The Sun, 1 ep of American Dad, 5 eps of General Hospital) as Aunt Grizelda.
Danny Cooksey (5 eps of Invader Zim, Kung Fu Panda, 2 eps of G.I. Joe Renegades, Tiny Toon Adventures, Terminator 2, Static Shock, Dave The Barbarian) as Brett / Chet.
Stephen Tobolowsky (Bob Bishop in Heroes, The Time Traveler’s Wife, Boxboarders!, Buried) as Uncle Ubb.
Chris Renaud (he’s the director of The Lorax, Despicable Me) as Forest Animals.

LINK URL: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1482459/combined

VIDEO: MOVIES: REVIEW: TerrorVision (1986)

Clio: 2.6/5 stars, 5.4/10.
Carolyn: 2.0/5 stars, 4/10.
Native ratings: 5.2/10 IMDB. Not available on Netflix. Ha!

Another cheezy movie to watch while Carolyn is ill.

Sooooo 1980’s!

And the fact that this is a family, but that the parents are swingers? That really added to the hilarity, and was arguably what caused this to be worthwhile.

The whole sex-positive vibe of the movie was incongruent with the profanity-negative vibe. They went out of the way to say “what the hey” and other such ridiculousness (rather than cursing)… But they have Nagel’esque bondage threesome art and other topless art all over their walls?

So refreshing to see sex portrayed as less harmful than cursing or violence.

Also, the actors all seem to be from other things I’ve seen. And yet I only recognized about 3 of them.

Overall this was a campy piece of 1980s cheeziness. Something I would have probably loved as a kid, but can only barely stand as an adult, and only as something to ridicule.

There was definitely redeeming value, though. I can see why so many people recommend this movie. It was over-the-top 80’s-horror cliche to the max. Dude.

Written & Directed by: Ted Nicolaou (involved in a lot of cheesy horror movies, it seems like)

Starring Chad Allen (147 eps of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, 21 eps of My Two Dads, 5 eps of General Hospital: Night Shift) as the brother, main character Sherman Putterman.
Diane Franklin (Better Off Dead, Bill & Ted‘s Excellent Adventure, How I Got Into College, The Adventures Of Lass 1-3) the punk-rock daughter/sister, Suzy Putterman.
Gerrit Graham (guardian in Gargoyles, Franklin Sherman in The Critic, 6 eps of Parker Lewis Can’t Lose, 22 eps of Now And Again) as the dad, Stanley Putterman.
Mary Woronov (The Devil’s Rejects, The Living End, Rock N Roll High School) as the mom, Raquel Putterman.
Jon Gries (Uncle Rico in Napoleon Dynamite, Lazlo in Real Genius, Unicorn City, 2 eps of Carnivale) the metal-head boyfriend, O.D.
Bert Remsen (Dick Tracy, 4 eps of Dynasty, 3 eps of Melrose Place, 13 eps of It’s A Living) as Grampa.
Alejandro Rey (74 eps of The Flying Nun, 7 eps of Dallas, 1 ep of Knight Rider) as Spiro, the swinger.
Randi Brooks (Hamburger: The Motion Picture, 8 eps of The Last Precinct, 1 ep of Designing Women) as Cherry, the swinger. You can find videos of her real estate company on YouTube. And another one where she sings with her daughters. Not as hot today, obviously–but still not bad.
Jennifer Richards (2 eps of Night Court) as Medusa, the Elvira wannabe. She had the vibe of a Tromette, for sure.
Sonny Carl Davis (Evil Bong 1-3, Thelma & Louise, Where The Buffalo Roam) as Norton, the satellite tv guy.
Ian Patrick Williams (1 ep of Dexter, 1 ep of Batman Beyond, 2 eps of Weird Science) as Nutky (the cop?).
William Paulson (5 eps of Law & Order) as Pluthar, the alien.
Frank Welker (voice-actor GOD) as the monster’s voice. How he manages to always be SO GODDAMN UNIQUE is beyond mystery. We counted his IMDB credits: 750. I’ve never seen anyone else with 750 credits in my life!

LINK URL: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0092074/combined

VIDEO: MOVIES: REVIEW: Mega Python vs. Gatoroid (2011) (TV) (SyFy) (The Asylum)

Clio: 2.2/5 stars, 3.6/10.
Carolyn: 1.6/5 stars, 2/10.
Native ratings: 2.7/5 stars Netflix, 3.1/10 IMDB.

WHO THE FUCK CAN RESIST A MOVIE STARRING BOTH DEBBIE GIBSON *AND* TIFFANY? (Also, Micky Dolenz of The Monkees is in this briefly.)

Carolyn was feeling kind of sick, so we didn’t want to waste a good movie on sickness. Thus, we finally had a chance to watch another movie by The Asylum — a company that makes deliberately bad movies. Often mockbusters, but sometimes “original” ideas like this one. Now add the fact that it’s a SyFy original movie just to make the endeavor that much more awful.

But with the cast of these two has-been (but well-respected by me) pop stars at the helm, how could I fucking resist? HOW COULD I? I’d be doing a grave disservice to 16-year-old me. Y’know, I STILL have two copies of the Tiffany cassette because I couldn’t figure out which print had the shade of red that I liked better as her hair color. And I still have the 7″ single to Only In My Dreams by Debbie Gibson.

I have no shame.

Carolyn: “That movie was terrible. I don’t think it had any redeeming qualities. Except for the boobs. Those boobs were really good, but not enough to save that trainwreck of a movie.”

And how! This movie had some of the best boobs ever. Sure, they aren’t naked. But they are boobs people have lusted after for 20 years. Pop-singer Tiffany has gained a few pounds since her Playboy shoot in 2005 (conveniently found at http://www.vintage-erotica-forum.com/t19397-tiffany.html )…. And you know what? It doesn’t look bad! She’s basically Christina Hendricks, but sultry.

Whereas Tiffany has the sultry, refined look of an older woman….Debbie Gibson has retained her youthful looks a bit more — or at least disguised herself as such. She still has the figure of a [boobless] 18-year-old, thanks to being stick-thin anorexic looking. Upon initial purview I thought she was the hotter one, but after staring at Tiffany’s tiffanies the whole movie, I realized I was wrong. Sultry beats cutesey in this instance!

So yes. This movie was awfully bad. Bad writing. Plot issues that didn’t make sense. Bad acting. Bad CGI. Bad sets. Bad dialog. But GODDAMN, YOU GET TO SEE TIFFANY AND DEBBIE GIBSON IN A CAT FIGHT. The money shot is Debbie Gibson covernig Tiffany’s tits in whipped cream during a catfight scene. Did I spoil it for you? Good, becuase that’s really the only reason to watch this movie, so you may as well know.

Things get really over the top in the 3rd act… So much so that I was laughing hysterically. Sometimes you gotta enjoy a bad movie, and I’m ashamed to say that I didn’t hate this. I didn’t like it either… But I edged towards liking it. Sick, guilty pleasure.

Thank you Syfy.

BTW, the young cop was in American Pie: The Book Of Love. And this was directed by the director of Pet Semetary, and the writer of #1 Cheerleader Camp (which was itself a mockbuster for Fired Up).

LINK URL: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1680138/combined