I'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link]

RATINGS:
Claire: Netflix: 1.2/5 stars. IMDB: 3/10.
Carolyn: Netflix: 1.3/5 stars. IMDB: 3.4/10.
The native public rating for this movie is: Netflix: 3/5 stars, IMDB: 5.7/10.

CLAIRE’S THOUGHTS: A Christmas movie. I thought that maybe this would be funny, what with all the comedic actors in it… But no…

They keep doing this thing where they throw a bunch of comedic actors into some barely-constructed story with a bunch of extra characters and plotlines that don’t always intersect, and the story isn’t funny at all, and why did I watch this? This movie is a box of feelgood cliches, shaken up, digested, and vomited in your face. About 20% of the way through the movie, you can see it telegraphied quite clearly: “This is a bunch of feelgood bullshit with no real substance. That’s what this is. That you should abort the movie.”

But, y’know…Foolish optimism and perserverance prevail: “Maybe it will all come together?” No. It does not fucking come together other than a bunch of sanguine Christmas warmth ejaculated all over your fucking face. Make it stop. But it doesn’t stop. Not for one hour, and forty seven minutes.

The Olivia Wilde subplot was the most interesting… That part could have at least held itself as a slightly disappointing movie. But that was the best part. And how much of that was simply her gorgious face making everything around her more interesting?

If you actually think greeting cards are sincere and heartfelt expressions of emotion worth waxing poetic about… Maybe this piece of shit movie is for you.

CAROLYN’S THOUGHTS: This was another one of those movies where the narration starts to indicate that it’s one of “those movies” and makes you question whether you should abort it, but then you trudge through hoping it’d pick up and get better, only to be ultimately disappointed and annoyed that you didn’t listen to yourself. Don’t make the same mistake we did. Stay away. [Another example of a movie that made me feel this way was (500) Days Of Summer.] [I adjusted my rating.]

PEOPLE:

Directed by Jessie Nelson.
Written by Steven Rogers (Kate & Leopold–which was good, but gimmicky/flukey good).

Starring:
Steve Martin as Rags (voice).
Diane Keaton as Charlotte.
John Goodman as Sam.
Ed Helms (Andy from The Office, The Hangover movies, Vacation (2015), The Lorax, Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay, Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story, Someone Marry Barry, They Came Together, Stretch, 5 eps of Childrens Hospital, 3 eps of NTSF:SD:SUV, 3 eps of Arrested Development, 1 ep of Bojack Horseman, 1 ep of Ugly Americans) as Hank.
Alex Borstein (Lois Griffin in Family Guy, The Cleveland Show, A Million Ways To Die In The West, Ted, Robot Chicken, MADtv, 3 eps of Slacker Cats, 1 ep of Friends) as Angie, Hank’s ex-wife.
Timothee Chalamet (Interstellar) as Charlie, Hank’s son.
Maxwell Simkins as Bo, Hank’s younger son.
Blake Baumgartner as Madison, Hank’s daughter.
Amanda Seyfried (Mean Girls, Jennifer’s Body, A Million Ways To Die In The West, Ted 2, 1 ep of American Dad) as Ruby, the waitress who had a crush on Bucky.
Alan Arkin (The Incredible Burt Wonderstone, The Change-Up, Insp. Jacques Clouseau in Inspector Clouseau (1968), Gattaca, The Jerky Boys, Grosse Point Blank, Edward Scissorhands) as Bucky, Charlotte’s father.
Marisa Tomei (War Inc., What Women Want, Four Rooms, Crazy Stupid Love, My Cousin Vinny, Trainwreck, an extra in The Toxic Avenger 1, 1 ep of The Simpsons) as Emma, Charlotte & Sam’s daughter.
Olivia Wilde (Tron 2, The Incredible Burt Wonderstone, The Change-Up, Drinking Buddies, Better Living Through Chemistry, Her, Year One, 4 eps of BoJack Horseman, 1 ep of Tron: Uprising, 1 ep of Portlandia, 1 ep of American Dad) as Eleanor, Charlotte & Sam’s other daughter who picked up the guy at the airport.
Jake Lacy (Pete in The Office) as Joe, the airport bar pickup.
June Squibb (Scent Of A Woman, 1 ep of Wander Over Yonder, 1 ep of Axe Cop) as Aunt Fishy, Sam’s aunt.
Anthony Mackie (Falcon in Captain America 2, Avengers 2 & Ant-Man; The Night Before; Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter; What’s Your Number?; The Adjustment Bureau; The Hurt Locker; 8 Mile; 10 Years; Love The Coopers) as Officer Williams, who was taking Emma in for shop-lifting.Mood: spring fever aggro
Music: Babes In Toyland – Big Top