September 2021

VIDEO: MOVIES: REVIEW: Confessions Of A Porn Addict (2008)

Claire: 3/5 stars, 6/10.
Carolyn: 3/5 stars, 6.6/10.
Native ratings: 2.3/5 stars Netflix, 5.1/10 IMDB.

This was sitting in our “to watch” pile for awhile. Why? Because Kenny Vs. Spenny is a hilarious show, and we were very curious what Spenny‘s movie about a porn addict would be like.  Then we watched Don Juan and both of us remembered that this movie existed and had been on our pile for years.  So we were also curious how this would compare with Don Juan (answer: Exact same rating from Claire, 0.4/10 higher IMDB rating from Carolyn).

This was slightly better than we expected, because our expectations were extremely low. This was obviously going to be a low-budget, unpolished, possibly-improvised, mockumentary-feeling kinda comedy. It wasn’t necessarily funny most of the time — but it was pretty awkward and cringe-inducing.

Spenny has awkward down pat. He basically just plays himself, since he’s awkward in real life. And it works.

Putting him in a relationship like that? That was pretty awesome. The reconciliation? Easily the most ridiculous reconciliation I’ve ever seen between two characters in any work of fiction that I’ve ever read, watched or listened to in my life. Worth it for that. So worth it.

It’s not great, but it is entertaining — with a few sigular laughs.  A tuesday-night kinda movie.

Directed by Duncan Christie (1 ep of Kenny Vs. Spenny, 1 ep of Single White Spenny)
Written by Spencer Rice (Kenny Vs. Spenny, Single White Spenny) and Duncan Christie.

Starring Spencer Rice as Mark Tobias.
Mark Breslin as Bob.
Lindsey Connell (Cube 2) as Felice.
Michael McMurtry (5 eps of Undergrads) as Marilyn Monroe Impersonator.
Michelle Morgan (1 ep of The L Word) as The Wrong Felice.
Errol Sitahal (Harold & Kumar 1-2) as Video Store Clerk.
Philip Williams (Max Payne, 1 ep of Puppets Who Kill) as Support Group Guy #1 (as Phil Williams).
Cecil Phillips (X-Men 1) as Support Group Guy #4.
Robert Black (porn director) as Himself.
Duncan Christie as Himself.
Kevin Morgan (miscellaneous crew on Kenny Vs. Spenny) as Himself.
Matt Zane (porn director/actor, Robert Black’s cousin) as Himself.
Tom Byron (has been in over 1600 pornos) as Himself.
Lizzy Borden (porn actress) as Herself.


SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT She left him due to his porn addiction and disappered, so he went to a support group for sex addicts, and one of the addicts recognized her from a picture… so he realized she’d gone into porn, but had only made one movie… he tried to find her via porn contacts, but they thought he was a creepy fanboy and tried to assault him.. so then they had to go undercover…when they heard about her bukkake scene, he managed to infiltrate as one of the bukkake-givers, and when it was his turn to cum on her face, that’s when he took off the raincoat and revealed himself, they reuined, and she kissed him with a bunch of loads all over her face.. most awkward relationship reunin EVER SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT

VIDEO: MOVIES: REVIEW: After Earth (2013)

Claire: 3.2/5 stars, 6.8/10.
Carolyn: 4/5 stars, 7.4/10.
Native ratings: 3.1/5 stars Netflix, 5.0/10 IMDB.

Claire’s thoughts: This wasn’t as good as I hoped.  Interstellar travel, yet we spend our time on earth. Futuristic technology, yet we mostly just see clothes and a sword.  Too much father stuff and not enough aliens stuff.  The moral of fear being optional is a bit too Vulcan for me. I’ll file it under “sacharrine platitudes” right next to “you can be anything you want to be” and “looks don’t matter”.  The kid’s accent is annoying, and why would I want to watch a movie that’s mostly just a kid in the woods anyway? And WHERE’S MY FUCKING TWIST, Shyamalan? Is the twist of this movie that there isn’t a twist???

That’s a lot of bad things I just said, but I still liked the movie. It just wasn’t spectacular. I think these days people have come to expect that from Shyamalan. They should have let him continue with the Avatar movies, goddamnit. The Last Airbender 2 would have been so much better than this.

I still liked it though.

Carolyn’s thoughts: I thought the point of the movie would be to show more of what happened to earth after the humans abandoned it.  They touched on how nature took over, but I thought it would more about that and less about the kid’s relationship with his father. The accent was kind of annoying at first, but then you get used to it.

Directed by M. Night Shyamalan (The Last Airbender, Lady In The Water, The Village, Signs, Unbreakable, The Sixth Sense)
Screenplay written by Gary Whitta (Walking Dead video games) and M. Night Shyamalan.
Story written by Will Smith.

Starring Will Smith’s son Jaden Smith (The Day The Earth Stood Still) as Kitai Raige.
Will Smith (The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air, Men In Black movies, Wild Wild West, Independence Day, I Robot, Hancock, Anchorman 2) as Cypher Raige.
Sophie Okonedo (Sithandra in Aeon Flux, Hotel Rwanda, ) as Faia Raige.
Zoe Kravitz (X-Men: First Class, It’s Kind Of A Funny Story) as Senshi Raige.
Glenn Morshower (Aaron Pierce in 24, X-Men: First Class, Transformers: Dark Of The Moon, The Men Who Stare At Goats) as Commander Velan.
David Denman (Roy Anderson in The Office, Fanboys, Big Fish) as Private McQuarrie.


VIDEO: MOVIES: REVIEW: Last Vegas (2013)

Claire: 4.2/5 stars, 8.2/10.
Carolyn: 4/5 stars, 8/10.
Native ratings: 3.7/5 stars Netflix, /10 IMDB.

This was pretty funny.  Old people decide to go on a Vegas trip for a bachelor party. We had our honeymoon in Vegas, so it always imparts a personal meaning to movies that take place in Vegas.  I gotta say, though, that these guys appeared to have had a better time than us ;) Because movie logic kicks ass. Want the best party ever? Just have a 10 second montage where you’re passing out flyers. Bam! Party appears! Not even Pinkie Pie can manage that!

But there’s actually a lot more to this. Distinct characters with distinct stories. Honestly, if you drink too much while watching this movie, it can actually confuse you! This is described as “Hangover for old people”, but there’s no real hangover or major binge drinking in the movie. Just a bunch of stuff happening, with jokes interspersed.

This is how a party comedy is meant to be, and it’s very refreshing to see it with old people instead of young people.  (Either way, none of them will be MY age.) [40 as of writing this review]

Honestly, I’m surprised they pulled it off.  This entertained, and that’s all I really want from a comedy about a bachelor party in Vegas.

Directed by Jon Turteltaub (The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, National Treasure movies).
Written by Dan Fogelman (Crazy Stupid Love).

Michael Douglas as Billy.
Robert De Niro as Paddy.
Morgan Freeman as Archie.
Kevin Kline (Mr. Fischoeder in Bob’s Burgers, The Pink Panther (2006)) as Sam.
Mary Steenburgen (Clara Clayton in Back To The Future 3 and the TV series, Four Christmases, Step Brothers, Inland Empire, Elf, 5 eps of Curb Your Enthusiasm, 1 ep of Robot Chicken) as Diana.
Romany Malco (Conrad in Weeds, Darius in Unsupervised, Blades Of Glory, The 40-Year Old Virgin) as Lonnie.
Roger Bart (Harold & Kumar 2, Hostel 2, The Stepford Wives, 1 ep of The Life & Times Of Tim) as Maurice.
Joanna Gleason (Maddy Platter in King Of The Hill, 1 ep of Delocated) as Miriam.
Marla Malcolm (\+1, Road Trip) as Party Guest.