March 2022

VIDEO: MOVIES: REVIEW: The Battery (2012) [zombies]

Claire: 3/5 stars, 6/10.
Carolyn: 3/5 stars, 6/10.
Native ratings: 6.7/10 IMDB. Not available on Netflix.

A strange zombie flick that proves that not all zombie flicks have to be the same. Some of them can have hardly any action, and be completely unexciting!  This is one of those “horror-dramas”, because it’s not really that scary.  It’s more about building a slow sense of dread, and demonstrating that when the zombies are really here, our deaths will be a bit more like Castaway and a bit less like Rambo. Rotting away. Alone.

Except this movie is actually a buddy flick. They rot away, alone together. Frenemies ’til the end. One makes safer, secure choices, and the beardier, assholeyer one makes more wild, feral, nomadic choices.  Of course Mr. Safe can’t stand Mr. Beard, and Mr. Beard generally thinks Mr. Safe is a pussy. These guys are besties, and they have their loyalty — but the movie verges on comedy in terms of wondering whether they were actually going to kill each other before the zombies (or other human survivors) got to them.

That aspect of the movie was great. The slowness was…. different. A bit refreshing. Not as enjoyable, but not wholly unenjoyable. But there were a few scenes where we were in disbelief that so little was happening for so long. Still…sitting…in…a….car……..  It was uncomfortable. But it did capture the essence of what the characters were going through.

So this was alright. I liked it. Nothing special. At least it wasn’t a *generic* zombie movie.

Written, directed by, and starring Jeremy Gardner.

Jeremy Gardner as Ben.
Adam Cronheim as Mickey.
Niels Bolle as Jerry.
Alana O’Brien as Annie.
Jamie Pantanella as Egghead.
Larry Fessenden (Cabin Fever 2) as Frank.
Kelly McQuade as Laura.


VIDEO: MOVIES: REVIEW: Pretty Ugly People (2008)

Claire: 2/5 stars, 3.6/10.
Carolyn: 2/5 stars, 5/10.
Native ratings: 3.2/5 stars Netflix, 4.9/10 IMDB.

Claire’s thoughts: Apparently, we aborted this movie. Apparently we didn’t really want to watch the rest. Months passed by before we realized we hadn’t finished it.  Carolyn had even written a partial review, found in her drafts, which is how we even remembered to write this “review”.

Anyway, fuck this movie. We stopped in the middle and totally forgot we’d watched half of it. Both of those are not good signs. I hear the end ties it all up, but it’s a painful movie to watch. I think I may have gotten this when I was more obsessed with camping.

Carolyn’s thoughts: Not that good. Definitely not very funny. They had a shrooming scene, and I was hoping the drug scene would somewhat save the movie, but it didn’t. Lame people are tricked into having a reunion, and are tricked onto going on a 3-day backpacking trip with their fat friend who had lost all her weight and wants to rekindle the special relationship they had in college. There was no relationship, it was just 5 people who happened to hang around each other, and now don’t have much in common, and some of them are having marital strife. The hot slut chick from college got fat, so she’s dealing with her own unhappiness and her seemingly loveless marriage. The only saving grace is the black chick from Halfway House, but her funniness is lost in the group because the rest of them are so unfunny, so she’ll say something funny and it just falls flat because nobody else is on her level. And her congressman husband keeps saying “I don’t even know you anymore.” and it’s just like “Yup.” We aborted it halfway through with the plan of watching the rest the next day. However, after thinking about it, I don’t really feel like continuing, because I don’t think it’s going to redeem itself.

Written & directed by Tate Taylor.

Missi Pyle (Miss Nobody, Visioneers, Percy Jackson 2, Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay, Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story, 50 First Dates, Live!, Charlie And The Chocolate Factory, Big Fish, Galaxy Quest, 4 eps of The Sarah Silverman Program, 4 eps of The Life & Times Of Tim, 2 eps of Heroes, 2 eps of American Dad, 1 ep of Family Guy, 1 ep of Frasier) as Lucy.
Melissa McCarthy (Hangover 3, Identity Thief, This Is 40, 1 ep of Curb Your Enthusiasm, Charlie’s Angels, Go) as Becky.
Larry Sullivan (Miss Nobody, Psycho Beach Party, Rush Hour, 3 eps of 24, 2 eps of Six Feet Under, 1 ep of Nip/Tuck) as Austin.
Phill Lewis (Heathers, Total Drama Island, 3 eps of American Dad, 2 eps of Mad About You) as Raye.
Josh Hopkins (L.A. Confidential, G.I. Jane) as George.
Jack Noseworthy (Cecil B. DeMented, Barb Wire, Encino Man) as Trevor.
Octavia Spencer (Halfway Home, Dinner With Schmucks, Smashed, Percy Jackson 2, American Virgin 2000, Drag Me To Hell, Halloween 2, Bad Santa) as Mary.
Philip Littell as Richard.
William Sanderson (Larry from Newhart, Mirror Mirror, Mirror Mirror 2, 4 eps of Batman-TAS (1990s), 1 ep of Tim And Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!) as Sam.


VIDEO: MOVIES: REVIEW:o How I Live Now (2013)

Claire: 2.4/5 stars, 6/10.
Carolyn: 3/5 stars, 7/10.
Native ratings: 3.1/5 stars Netflix, 6.5/10 IMDB.

War sucks.
Purposefully living through it unnecessarily is stupid.
You’re stupid.

Lots of walking.
All for romance.
You’re still stupid.

Well. I thought I was liking this movie as I watched it, but in retrospect, I was just interested in what would happen next because I like end-to-end stories and never watch things in parts. Perhaps if I was the kind of person to turn a movie off mid-movie, I’d have turned this one off.

It kinda dragged on, and I lost interest somewhat–Although parts of it were exciting.

For the most part, it’s just a chance to see Saoirse Ronan with platinum blonde hair and emo-ish makeup, being a bitch, then not being a bitch.

I really didn’t like how her character changed from not wanting to be there at all–and being a bitch–to suddenly wanting to be there so much that she would do stupid fucking things like not leave a country in the middle of a fucking war. It was an almost instant transformation to retardation, and it was based on romance they barely showed or developed.

Was it because he nursed that bird back to life? Jesus fucking christ.

In the end, her personality is like Bella from Twilight: Taking ridiculous risks for a love that had yet to actually mature. At least Edward Cullen has the promise of eternal life and saving you from fucking werewolves and evil vampires and shit. What the fuck can some douchebag in the middle of a country at war do? Shortern your life? While you’re at it, why not date someone who causes you to get killed by werewolves? Stupid bitch. (I love you Saoirse!)

Carolyn’s thoughts: I agree they really glossed over her transformation from elusive bitch to “I will give up everything just to be here.” It was covered as a quick montage, which was just too rushed. Then it delves into the war stuff which just shows how much it sucks and without hope, what’s the use of going on?

Directed by Kevin Macdonald.

Written by Jeremy Brock, Tony Grisoni (Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas), and Penelope Skinner.
Based on a book by Meg Rosoff.

Saoirse Ronan (Violet & Daisy, The Host, Hanna from Hanna, Byzantium, the voice of Arriety in The Secret World of Arrietty) as Daisy.
Tom Holland (The Secret World Of Arrietty) as Isaac.
George MacKay as Eddie.
Harley Bird as Piper.
Danny McEvoy as Joe.
Anna Chancellor (St. Trinian’s (2007), The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy) as Aunt Penn.
Corey Johnson (X-Men: First Class, Kick-Ass, The Bourne Identity 2-3) as Consular Official.