VIDEO: MOVIES: REVIEW: Rock Of Ages (2012)

Clio: 2.6/5 stars, 5.4/10.
Carolyn: 4.6/5 stars, 8.6/10.
Native ratings: 3.0/5 stars Netflix, 5.8/10 IMDB.

Wow! Carolyn and me rating 2.0/5 stars apart from each other (Netflix), and 2.2/10 apart from each other (IMDB). I think that is a top-1% disagreement level; we’re never this far off from each other!

This movie actually failed to keep me engaged. The plot was so thin that once it became “just people singing songs” with 5 minutes of song to every 30 seconds of plot, I began to grow bored, which then made me tired, which made me fall asleep, which made me have to take a break to wake up just to get through the movie.

A musical needs at least some plot. Not a huge amount. Just something more tangible than what we had here. Repo:The Genetic Opera, Sweeney Todd, Nightmare Before Christmas, the South Park movie, Rocky Horror Picture Show. All of these have more engaging plots. Yes, evenm Rocky Horror! In the end this was just too random, I didn’t care about the characters enough to care about the movie, and it started to feel like an extended music video of old songs sung by celebrities instead of the original artists. I was waiting for it to be over, and was happy when it was.

Any given moment was kinda awesome, and Tom Cruise was great… The whole cast was… But it was just too devoid of story for me. It was too much. Maybe I would have enjoyed a shorter version (I did watch the extended version, after all). It’s totally out of character for me to say that, though.

Maybe on a different night, with a different mood and body chemistry, I would have enjoyed this more. Dunno if I’ll ever be able to make myself try it again, though. Life’s too short.

Carolyn adds: I enjoyed this movie.  I didn’t love it quite as much as Take Me Home Tonight, but I had fun watching it… They did have a lot of songs, and barely any plot, but it was more the ride than the story for me, I guess.

My mom adds: I saw this on an airplane, a captive audience. I must admit that I lean towards Clio‘s opinion.

Parthena, who recommended this to us (but didn’t rate it high?!) adds:  I would rate this 3/5 stars myself! For all the reasons you listed. Very loose plot…like they couldn’t decide which story to focus on. But some parts made me laugh.


Co-written by the writer of Tropic Thunder & Iron Man 2.
The main girl is Julianne Hough (uncredited role in Harry Potter 1, Footloose remake).
Diego Boneta (Mean Girls 2)
Russell Brand (Despicable Me, Get Him To The Greek, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, St. Trinian’s)
Alec Baldwin (Dr. Seuss’ The Cat In The Hat, 5 episodes of Clerks-TAS, Beetlejuice)
Bryan Cranston (Breaking Bad, Malcolm In The Middle, 6 episodes of The Cleveland Show, Jim Gordon in Batman: Year One)
Catherine Zeta-Jones (Ocean’s Twelve, Titanic, The Mask Of Zorro)
Paul Giamatti (John Dies At The End, The Hangover Part II, The Haunted World Of El Superbeasto, Sideways, Man On The Moon, Saving Private Ryan, Lady In The Water)
Kevin Nash (wrestler)
Tom Cruise (Knight And Day, Mission: Impossible, Magnolia, Eyes Wide Shut, Minority Report, Interview with the Vampire: The Vampire Chronicles, Days Of Thunder)
Malin Akerman (Childrens Hospital, The Giant Mechanical Man, Wanderlust, Watchmen, The Brothers Solomon, Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle)
Will Forte (5 episodes of Gravity Falls, 5 episodes of American Dad, Saturday Night Live, 19 episodes of The Cleveland Show, Tim And Eric‘s Billion Dollar Movie, Tim And Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!, Sit Down Shut Up, Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs, Fanboys, The Brothers Solomon, Clone High
Eli Roth (writer of Cabin Fever, Hostel)
T.J. Miller (Robbie in Gravity Falls, Seeking A Friend For The End Of The World, Gulliver’s Travels, How To Train Your Dragon, Get Him To The Greek, Cloverfield
Debbie Gibson
Sebastian Bach (Skid Row)


VIDEO: MOVIES: REVIEW: Detroit Rock City (1999)

Clio: 5/5 stars, 9/10.
Carolyn: 5/5 stars, 9/10.
Native ratings: 3.9/5 stars Netflix (Netflix is down right now, sorry), 6.6/10 IMDB.

Oh my “Bob” did this movie hold up to a second viewing!!

Carolyn actually had no recollection of it, even though she knew she’s seen it.
Clio had only the vaguest recollection — maybe 5 seconds of total information.

This is pretty much exactly what I want from a comedy movie! It’s just full of awesomeness. The soundtrack, the cast (nexus movie alert! lots of people), the plot, the fact that it deals with “heavy” music, the nostalgic 1970s setting, the crazy capers that happen to them, the girls, the splitting stories that re-converge. This is a fun “night on the town” caper movie! A classic! A must-see!

Suburban high school rockers are on a quest to make sure they get to the Kiss concert in Detroit. I don’t like Kiss, but I respect them for selling out and milking it as much as possible, and would do the exact same thing if I were in their position.

Directed by Adam Rifkin (he wrote & directed National Lampoon’s The Stoned Age).
Written by Carl V. Dupre (he wrote 2 of the direct-to-video Hellraiser movies).

Starring Giuseppe Andrews as Lex (Deputy Winston from Cabin Fever, Pleasantville, Independence Day, Homo Erectus aka The Stoned Age).
James DeBello as Trip (Dorm Daze, Cabin Fever, Scary Movie 2, 100 Girls, enthusiastic guy in American Pie).
Edward Furlong as Hawk (John Connor in Terminator 2, Pecker from Pecker, The Crow in The Crow 4, The Green Hornet).
Sam Huntington as Jam (Fanboys, Jimmy Olsen in Superman Returns, Not Another Teen Movie).
Lin Shaye as Mrs. Bruce, the bitchy mom (Nurse Crotchet in 2012 The Three Stooges, Snakes On A Plane, Dumb And Dumber, Contagion, Kingpin).
Melanie Lynskey as Beth (Seeking A Friend For The End Of The World, Becky in The Life & Times Of Tim, The Informant!, Coyote Ugly, But I’m A Cheerleader).
Natasha Lyonne as Christine (American Pie 1/2/Reunion, Kate & Leopold, Scary Movie 2, But I’m A Cheerleader).
I didn’t even notice Emmanuelle Chriqui as Christine’s friend Barbara (Paige in Tron:Uprising, Cheetara in the 2010s Thundercats, You Don’t Mess with the Zohan, The Crow 4, Wrong Turn, Waiting 1 & 2). (“Girl #1” was in Wrong Turn too.)
Also Ron Jeremy. Because he just shows up in things. Often enough that I have a screenshot from a movie that includes someone I know (Reverend Morgan Proctor) AND Ron Jeremy. He must get around a lot :)
And Shannon Tweed.
And oh! The cashier? Who wants Dr. Love to come back after saving her? Kristin Booth! I didn’t know who she was until I looked it up… She’s the voice of Parker in the Producing Parker. So frickin’ weird! She was also in Defendor and Young People Fucking.
Speaking of Defendor… One of the priests in this movie was Grandpa Henry in Defendor. The other one was in Slackers and Stripes.
Hehe…Chongo was in Gothika and Resident Evil:Apocalypse.

This movie is just weird. A lot of people were in other things we’ve seen. Maybe we’ve just watched a lot of movies.

“Beefy Jerk #1” was in Seven Psychopaths, which we JUST watched. He was also in The Dictator, Pineapple Express, Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist, Registered Sex Offender, Superbad.

Beefy Jerk #2!??! Is Bobby ‘Bacala’ Baccalieri from The Sopranos! The guy who kinda took care of Junior. He was also in Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas. I didn’t notice any of this. Just a testament to how much of a nexus this movie is…


Clio: 3/5 stars, 6/10.
Carolyn: 3/5 stars, 7/10.
Native ratings: 3.6/5 stars Netflix, 3.4/10 IMDB.

The Swan, Paranormal Activity 2, Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes, Inception, Evil Dead. These were the primary movies spoofed.

This wasn’t that great, but it was still Zucker enough to be entertaining. Carolyn seemed to like it slightly better than Clio. It definitely could have been better, but it definitely could have been worse. It certainly wasn’t as good as Scary Movie 4, which wasn’t as good as Scary Movie 3, which wasn’t… Well, you get the picture. Maybe this was actually better than Scary Movie 4.

No Anna Faris this time. Apparently, she was pregnant. The rest of the characters declined to come back too. So this is almost like “Scary Movie presents: Rise Of The Paranormal Swanception”.

I’ll still watch a Scary Movie 6 if it ever comes out. But it’s probably time to stop now. Even Marlon Wayans has moved on to his own franchise: A Haunted House. This is a basically a franchise cooped by a corporation at this point. Zucker — now only a writer, and not a director — is the only element of legitimacy remaining.

But I’d still watch a 6…. sigh.

coincidence: (real life, Scary Movie 5) After seeing cellphone credit-card readers for the first time ever (and seeing a shitload of them) at BronyCon, 4 days later they show up in this movie.

Directed by Malcolm D. Lee. Written by David Zucker (BASEketball, Naked Gun 33 1/3, Airplane!, The Kentucky Fried Movie, 6 eps of Police Squad, director of Scary Movie 3 & 4) & Pat Proft (Scary Movie 3-4, Naked Gun movies, Police Academy movies, Hot Shots movies, The Star Wars Holiday Special).

Starring Ashley Tisdale (Phineas And Ferb, 2 eps of Family Guy, High School Musical movies) as Jody Sanders.
Simon Rex (Scary Movie 3-4, Superhero Movie) as Dan.
Lidia Porto (Idiocracy) as Maria.
Snoop Dogg as Ja’ Marcus.
Erica Ash (MADtv) as Kendra Brooks.
J.P. Manoux (Trailer Park of Terror, Eurotrip) as Pierre.
Molly Shannon (Tina in Neighbors From Hell, Saturday Night Live, Wet Hot American Summer, Scary Movie 4) as Heather Darcy.
Josh Robert Thompson (fake Arnold Schwarzenegger on 2 eps of Howard Stern On Demand, The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson) as Narrator (voice).
Terry Crews (Herbert Love in Arrested Development, Terminator Salvation, 3 eps of The Boondocks) as Martin Jacobs.
Katrina Bowden (Movie 43, Piranha 3DD, American Reunion) as Natalie.
Christopher ‘Critter’ Antonucci (he’s usually a stuntman) as Caesar.
Charlie Sheen as Charlie Sheen.
Lindsay Lohan as Lindsay Lohan.
Heather Locklear as Barbara.
Kate Walsh as Mal.
Mike Tyson as Mike Tyson.


VIDEO: MOVIES: REVIEW: Road Trip (2000)

Road Trip (2000) –
Clio: 4.6/5 stars, 8.6/10.
Carolyn: 4.6/5 stars, 8.6/10.
Native ratings: 3.5/5 stars Netflix, 6.4/10 IMDB.

The director/co-writer of this movie (Todd Phillips) later went on to direct Old School, The Hangover 1-3, and Due Date — most of which he also co-wrote. He also co-wrote Borat. So suffice to say: This is the early work of a comedic genius of a writer-director, and it most definitely held up to a second viewing. It’s been so long since we saw at the Arlington Drafthouse, we were even wondering if we liked it better the second time around.

College road trip caper sex comedy? That’d kind of an ideal type of movie for us! And this movie is even complimented by people who normally hate that kind of thing. Some say this one “transcends the genre”. That’s a bit of an overblown description, but this movie is real good for what it is.

On paper, it sounds derivative, formulaic, and generic. In practice, it’s an excellent instance of this kind of movie that we’ve all seen before. One that should be revisited and that is worth watching twice!


Breckin Meyer as main character Josh Parker (Robot Chicken, Joseph Gribble in King Of The Hill, Titan Maximum, Jon in the 2004 & 2006 Garfield movies, 54, Clueless).
His girlfriend Tiffany, the child-hood sweetheart turned long-distance relationship, is played by Rachel Blanchard (Snakes On A Plane, Without A Paddle, 62 eps of Clueless, Are You Afraid Of The Dark?). She looks absolutely amazing as a redhead–better than any of her blondeish IMDB pics.
Amy Smart as new-love-interest Beth Wagner (6 eps of Robot Chicken, Crank 1/2, Mirrors, Starship Troopers, Just Friends).

His roadtrip buddies are played by:
Seann William Scott as the guy Seann William Scott always plays (Stifler in the American Pie movies, Goon, Bo in The Dukes Of Hazzard movie(s), Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back, Dude Where’s My Car?, Final Destination, Role Models, Old School, Evolution).
Paulo Costanzo as the scientist pothead (Puff Puff Pass, Joey’s brother in the Joey Friends-spinoff).
DJ Qualls as the wimpy friend (we JUST saw him in Small Apartments, but seeing Road Trip under his name on IMDB was what prompted us to watch this movie. He is also in The New Guy, 1 ep of Breaking Bad, and Senior Trip).

Tom Green as Barry Manilow, the guy who is afraid to leave campus and is obsessed with feeding the snake. His college campus tour provided the framing device for the rest of the movie, which is just a story he was telling a tour group.

The douchebag who tries to get get Breckin Meyer to fail his exam is Anthony Rapp (Dazed And Confused, Adventures In Babysitting, Twister, A Beautiful Mind).

We also have:
Andy Dick as the motel clerk.
Ethan Suplee as Ed (Fanboys, The Fountain, Without A Paddle, Dogma, Chasing Amy, Mallrats).
Horatio Sanz as French Toast Guy (Wreck-It Ralph, Year One, Step Brothers).
Ellen Albertini Dow as Mrs. Manilow (Barry’s Grandma) (Not Another Not Another Movie, Wedding Crashers, Disco Dotty in 54. Carolyn recognized her and said, “She’s a very recognizable Old Lady”. This is one of the few actors Carolyn recognizes and Clio doesn’t).
Mary Lynn Rajskub as a blind chick (Safety Not Guaranteed, Chloe O’Brian in 24, Mysterious Skin, Dude, Where’s My Car?, Man On The Moon, Magnolia, The Larry Sanders Show, Mr. Show With Bob And David).

Who would have guessed it was Jimmy Kimmel who was the voice of the Dog?
Todd Barry as Campus Security #1 (Delocated, Wanderlust, 3 eps of Bob’s Burgers, 3 eps of Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1, Brian the Alter Boy in Lucy: The Daughter Of The Devil, 1 eps of Tom Goes To The Mayor, 1 ep of Wonder Showzen, 2 eps of Squidbillies, 3 eps of O’Grady, 13 eps of Dr. Katz). It’s always a shame that I don’t really recognize minor players like this, despite benefiting from their contributions for 20 years.

By the way, the big girl who seduced DJ Qualls died of fatness. Not really, but she had to have knee surgery. Probably because knees aren’t meant to support that kind of weight. Complications killed her. That is too bad. She was good looking for a BBW.


VIDEO: MOVIES: REVIEW: Queer Duck: The Movie (2006) [NOT the 1999 TV series]

Clio: 3.6/5 stars, 7.4/10.
Carolyn: 3.6/5 stars, 7/10.
Native ratings: 2.9/5 stars Netflix, 5.7/10 IMDB.

That was a pretty funny gay-oriented adult cartoon series-cum-movie. It felt more like a tv show than a movie… But it just kept going. Actually, that feeling is probably explained by the fact that this apparently *was* a series in the past (1999).

There was definitely some good voice acting here. Queer Duck‘s voice actor was Prince Valium from Spaceballs, and also in National Lampoon’s One, Two, Many. The woman he was with played Dilmom in Dilbert:TAS, and was Dora In A Dirty Shame. Both of them were in Kissing Jessica Stein.

We also have Kevin Michael Richardson, Billy West, Estelle Harris, Mark Hamil, Tim Curry, Andy Dick, Tress MacNeille, Maurice LaMarche, Jeff Bennet… And Conan O’Brien & David Duchovyny (as tiny Jesus).

So it sounded great. It was mature, adult, edgy… With songs. And pretty gay. This  is the gayest cartoon we’ve seen since we watched all 13 episodes of Rick & Steve:The Happiest Gay Couple In The World.


VIDEO: MOVIES: REVIEW: Small Apartments (2012)

Clio: 4/5 stars, 8/10.
Carolyn: 3.6/5 stars, 7.6/10.
Native ratings: 2.6/5 stars Netflix, 5.9/10 IMDB.

This rating is disproportionately low. Is it because the main character is a fat bald dude who never wears pants the entire movie? C’mon, people. This is that special genre I like to call “FUCKED UP”. Except it’s also a comedy, so it’s not really as fucked up as some other movies (like Gummo, Irreversible). So it’s not really THAT fucked up. At least, the movie makes this fucked up story comical. So I don’t know why people would rate it so low. Fucked up is a boon, funny is a boon. This movie was solid. On par with any major hit you’d see.

It’s just a bit creepier, that’s all.

Based on a book about a creepy guy who seems a little off, finds himself living alone in a small apartment with a cranky old man and a deadbeat stoner for neighbors.  He misses his brother, who is in a looney bin, but sends him cassettes every day.  Then his landlord is accidentally killed, and the fun of watching things unfold begins: People with poor coping skills trying to cope with a situation stranger than most situations most of us will ever have in our lives. That’s entertainment.

We thought this was an interesting movie, full of interesting quirks.

Directed by Jonas Akerlund (who used to mostly direct music videos, but has moved on to “realer” endeavors). Book *and* screenplay are by Chris Millis. Mr. Millis is a book author, not a screeplay writer. This is the only one he wrote. But it was based on his book. Isn’t that nice? A little respect actually being shown to the author? It almost seems quant, but it really should be common sense!

Matt Lucas as the main character (2 eps of Portlandia, Tweedledee & Tweedledum in Alice In Wonderland, Cardinal One from Popetown, Cousin Tom from Shaun Of The Dead).
James Caan as the old next-door neighbor (Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs, Elf, Honeymoon In Vegas).
Juno Temple as slutty teenager (Kaboom, The Dark Knight Rises, The Three Musketeers, St. Trinian’s, Year One).
Saffron Burrows as… the mom?! (Wainy Days, Wing Commander).
Johnny Knoxville as the stoner neighbor (Jackass, The Ringer, Dukes Of Hazzard, A Dirty Shame, Men In Black 2, Coyote Ugly).
The celebrity shrink was Dolph Lundgren (He-Man in the He-Man Movie, Johnny Mnemonic, Dark Angel, Rocky 4).
James Marsden as the crazy brother (Anchorman, Sex Drive, Cyclops in the X-Men movies, and we just recently saw him as the son in Robot & Frank).
DJ Qualls plays a clerk! (The New Guy, Road Trip). Good to see him again.
Peter Stormare as the landlord (1 ep of Adventure Time, 2 eps of Weeds, 1 ep of Tim & Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!…No I did not recognize him).
David Koechner as a fire investigator (Anchorman, Final Destination 5, Sex Drive, Talladega Nights, Thank You For Smoking, The 40 Year Old Virgin, The Dukes Of Hazzard, 4 eps of 2011 Beavis & Butt-head, 12 eps of American Dad).
Hell, we even get Billy Crystal here! (Soap, When Harry Met Sally, Analyze That/This, America’s Sweethearts, City Slickers, Howl’s Moving Castle, Monsters Inc.).
The strangest one to pop up was Rosie Perez (Pineapple Express, choreographer on In Living Color). Why do we all recognize her so readily? She’s not really on screen in anything we’ve really seen, other than Pineapple Express.


VIDEO: MOVIES: REVIEW: My Awkward Sexual Adventure (2012)

Clio: 4.6/5 stars, 8.6/10.
Carolyn: 4/5 stars, 8/10.
Native ratings: 3.7/5 stars Netflix, 6.0/10 IMDB.

This movie might be the perfect intersection of sex comedy and romantic comedy. It was FUN. It didn’t have that “all humor stops here” point that so many romantic comedies have. That’s the sex-comedy influence :) Admittedly the comedy lets off a bit in the last 10%, but the jokes do indeed go all the way to the end, and even into the credits. And it’s not just a bunch of overt sex comedy (not that there’s anything wrong with that)… There’s also some a lot of “cringe comedy”. Awwwkwarrrrrd moments. I mean, they put the word awkward the title for a reason. It’s obvious.

If you were to combine Roger Doger with The 40-Year-Old Virgin… It still wouldn’t be this movie. But it would be close.

This is Canadian, so most people aren’t going to hear about it outside of my review, he types, drunk on power. So I’d recommend this over other movies I post about and like, simply because it’s easy to miss this one.

Plot-wise: Stuck-up girlfriend of boring accountant (who pined for 24 years before dating her) breaks up with him because he’s boring in bed.  They might have been able to work out some sort of alternative lifestyle arrangement regarding that, but instead she just breaks up with him.  This made him have to go on their planned, pre-paid vacation alone.  While on vacation, he tries to make his girlfriend jealous by taking pictures of him posing with strippers.  He ends up befriending a stripper who agrees to help instruct him on being better in bed in order to win back his girlfriend. You’d think it would be raunchy, but no, it really isn’t that raunchy, actually.

Cast-wise: Dudeface is played by Jonas Chernick (Degrassi: The Next Generation) WHO ALSO WROTE THE MOVIE. Stripper-with-a-heart-of-gold is played by Emily Hampshire (Boy Meets Girl, 1 ep of Puppets Who Kill, ‘Misery’ in some animated series called Ruby Gloom that kinda looks interesting). Bitchy girlfriend is Sarah Manninen.  Indian man-slut friend is Vik Sahay (Chuck, American Reunion, Stir Of Echoes 2). Naked Tom (Mike Bell) was in Goon. Dudeface’s androgynous co-worker who really seemed like “Pat” from Saturday Night Live turned out to not be Pat, but Sarah Constible, who was a teacher in 2 episodes of the MOST AMAZING SHOW EVER Todd And The Book Of Pure Evil. The “Mint Girl” was in Todd as well.


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