Live-Action Shows

 movie coverI'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Netflix link]

Carolyn & I finally decided to watch this… We needed something serious and depressing to watch during our sober nights, haha. Plus, it had been over for so many years, and we had the entire series available to watch. It just seemed like time, after finally watching Oz. It’s so much better to watch series after they are concluded. You can plow through the entire thing without ever having to wait a week (or half a year) for the next episode.

This post is mostly just so I have a place to put our episode synopsis.

PLOT SUMMARY: A series following the life of a mob boss.

PEOPLE: A huge cast over the many seasons, with a ton of known actors. Tony’s wife came straight from the series Oz, where she played a prison guard. Steve Van Zandt (Silvio Dante) is one of Bruce Springsteen’s brand members. Basically you can get lost on the IMDB page for this, seeing what everyone has done. Paulie played poker in an episode of Police Squad back in the 80s! Tons of random connections to be found.

QUIRKS: Mob violence. Complicated relationships, alliances, and motivations.

VISUALS: Kinda drab. Jersey.


MORALS: The mob isn’t amoral. They just have different morals than us.

POLITICS: It’s easy to understand political corruption when criminals such as these are depicted the way they are.

GOOD STUFF: It’s certainly interesting.

BAD STUFF: Occasionally it can be downright hard to keep track of all the people involved. And the series doesn’t end on any definitive note. It just ends. Life goes on; It always does. Mob-fare fiction isn’t really our thing, so we didn’t like it as much as most. A work of art (such as a TV series or a movie) does not automatically become deeper and better simply because it features a protganist who kills people.

Two of the 86 episodes are fucking awful. The rest aren’t. But those two. Ouch.

CONCLUSION: The writing is good in this show, but it’s not the most amazing thing we’ve seen, it’s not even in the top half of things we’ve seen. It’s good, and we’re glad we watched it, but this is something that has virtually zero chance of ever being re-watched. It was something to pass the time by. It was good — maybe even great — but not the fucking masterpiece everyone paints it as.

Clint: Netflix: 3/5 stars. IMDB: 7/10.
Carolyn: Netflix: 3/5 stars. IMDB: 7/10.
The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 9.2/10 (wow), Netflix: 4.1/5 stars.

RECOMMENDATION: Worth seeing because it’s considered one of the best television shows in history… But if you are generally disinterested in mafia stuff, you won’t like it as much as its fanboys.


(Sopranos S3E2, Todd And The Book Of Pure Evil S1E9) Two shows in a row with talk about a person not being able to have a baby, then that person projectile vomiting on others.

(real life, Sopranos #11) Clint’s back was hurting so bad from moving stuff that he had to drink a bunch to stop it, so we watch Sopranos, and it immediately starts with somebody’s back hurting!


Anthony ‘Tony’ Soprano Sr.: What fucking kind of human being am I, if my own mother wants me dead?

Anthony ‘Tony’ Soprano Sr.: You know where I was yesterday when you called?… I was outside a whorehouse, while a guy that works for me was inside beating the shit out of a guy that owes me money. Broke his arm. Put a bullet in his kneecap.
Dr Jennifer Melfi: How’d that make you feel?
Anthony ‘Tony’ Soprano Sr.: Wished it was me in there.
Dr Jennifer Melfi: Giving the beating or taking it?


(If you’ve watched the series already, reading these synopsis will let you re-live the whole series in five minutes.)

Season 1:
1=Tony is depressed,garbage business problems,family problems,seed of doubt planted in his Mom that something might have to be done about Tony
2=mother put in nursing home,subordinates hit uncle’s truck of suits when they shouldn’t
3=2 dudes who robbed “Jr”‘s suits truck:1 killed(shot in the eye),1 roughed up,Tony’s friend has cancer,daughter gets crystal meth,Tony slept with the cook’s wife a long time ago
4=boss dies,Tony Soprano gives leadership to Jr. based on “coping with the elderly” book shrink gave him,hires cop to follow shrink but he beats her lawyer-boyfriend instead,who seems to be related to the dude who was shot in the eye in #3
5=college interviews,rat in Maine whacked,Carmilla has a sleepover with the priest,confesses,discovers Tony’s therapist is a female,Daughter knows Tony is in the mob
6=Tony has crush on shrink,fixes her car,wife decides to be ‘that person’ in his life after being jealous of shrink,Jr. shakes down mob poker game,but they talk him down and Tony gives his share back to the guy
7=son gets ADD,Tony’s childhood flashbacks finding out about his dad
8=indictments,Soprano house raided,Tony hides money at mom’s,unruly dude(Christopher) shoots bakery cashier in foot(dumbass),shrink now scared of Tony,her family+therapist introduced
9=Jr. doesn’t eat pussy,then he does,gets found out,puts pie in woman’s face,soccer coach leaving drama+threats+oh he molested that girl who slit her wrists/let’s kill him/Tony calls off the hit,gets drunk
10=filler ep? music industry stuff,Tony gives next-door neighbor a package of sand to fuck with him for making fun of him at the country club,stock tips,Tony’s working out
11=FBI raid,Pussy’s wearing a wire but actually the bad cop may be making that up cause of his $30K debt,so bad cop suicides off a bridge,oh it’s JIMMY {just released} who has the wire!;new character says Tony’s about to be killed
12=Tony shot,thinks he meets Italian hottie Isabella but she doesn’t exist,Grandma doesn’t recognize her own granddaughter
13=(Season 1 finale)Tony realizes his mom was in on the hit,tells crew he sees shrink,chef realizes Tony torched his restaurant(almost kills him),Indictments happen,Jr made offer by FBI,Tony’s mom has stroke before Tony whacks her

Season 2:
14=Pussy comes back,Soprano sisters introduced,stockbroking,Tony blacks out,can’t find shrink,can’t convince old shrink to take him back
15=Is sister Janice angling for Tony’s mom’s money? Uncle Jr. breaks his hip;wants Tony to make peace with his mother. Edgar from 24 makes an appearance! Meadow’s gained weight!
16=Shrink runs into Tony & says “toodle-oo” which causes her to have to see her own shrink,new character Richie–ex of sister Janice Soprano–gets out of jail,fucks up pizza shop owner with glass coffee mug,then runs him over,paralyzing him,totally disrespecting Tony’s chain of command,Meadow has party that ruins Grandma’s house,Janice almost kicked out of Soprano house; 17=Tony goes to Italy,HOT female boss there,Pussy’s wife wants a divorce
18=new guy Furio comes to America,shakes down whorehouse for Tony,Tony sees shrink again,Chris’s acting class ends up making him attack fellow actor,he literally throws his dreams in the dumpster
19=retail store friend of Tony’s (who’s son is the Nip/Tuck dumbass-mime-robber son) talks his way into executive poker game,loses big,is already in trouble with just-released-from-prison guy,gives car to Tony,which makes Nip/Tuck-dumbass mad,refusing to sing with Meadow at her recital
20=Tony’s son gets existential,gets stoned for confirmation,Christopher the movie-wannabe meets Jon Favreau,fucks Alicia Witt,and assholes himself out of the situation,Edgar-from-24 *IS* a cop,Pussy *IS* wearing a wire,but cries like a pussy over it
21=out-of-jail Ritchie is asked to build a ramp for the guy he crippled in his coffee shop,gives Tony jacket which Tony gives away in front of him,Meadow’s recommendation letter via mob threats,gay douchebag brothers shoot Christopher(1 gets killed)to impress Ritchie,who throws his bat at the surviving one
22=2ND WORST EPISODE EVER,Carmella prays for Christopher to survive&see Jesus,Christopher visits hell,freaks out Pauly–who has a girlfriend/wife with kids,is freaked out,sees psychic who names his first murder victim,PARANORMAL GOD BULLSHIT,they kill Bevilaqua for shooting Christopher,Carmella wants a fucking kid now,SHARK JUMP!!!!
23=FBI wants Tony for murder;witness to Bevilaqua murder,but then they shut up,Carmella makes out with wallpaperman
24=therapist’s drinking more,Tony mad at ex-con Ritchie for selling coke on the garbage route
25=Tony asks Sleazy P. Martini to kill Ritchie,but Janis beats him to it,effectively ending their engagement,Carmella-wife leaves for Rome,Tony’s Russian Gumar tries to commit suicide
26=food poisoning dreams,Grandma’s given bad plane tickets that get her in trouble,Pussy killed,Meadow graduates,Gamblor leaves town

Season 3:
27(thought it was 29)=They do a LOT of work to put the bug in Tony’s basement
28(thought it was 30)=Tony’s mom dies,awkward funeral
29(thought it was 27)=Tony’s fainting comes from association with meat due to seeing his father cut off a butcher’s hand then erotically play with the food with his mom,Meadow’s dating a ‘black’ guy in college,Tony gives her shit,Janis moves to Mom’s house,steals Russian amputee’s leg,Tony’s old Gumar’s getting married,Chris is Made but falls 2G short on first 6G payment,not enjoying it,is Tony’s mom dead?!
30(thought it was 28)=Yes,Tony’s mom is dead,Therapist raped,rapist let go,wants Tony to kill rapist but not asking for that [yet],new young kid is supposed to stay in college but went on a minor job instead,New York boss moves to New Jersey,Janis beaten by Russians who wanted leg back,born again
31=Christopher’s girlfriend quits hostessing,dude comas other dude with golf club,so lung-cancer oldie offs him as one last job before he dies,Junior has cancer,Tony gets cop demoted,buys fountain from him,Meadow takes the FBI’s bugged lamp to college
32=Meadow’s roommate is a psycho,braces-stripper too friendly with Tony,gives him bread,gets advice to get abortion,Ralphy is obnoixious,quoting Gladiator,fucking up bouncer with a chain for no reason,kills braces-stripper,Meadow dumped
33=Pussy’s wife wants $1200 for her maybe-not-sick dog so Tony smashes her Cadillac,Meadow’s dean wants $50K but Tony says $5K,Christopher hazed,Carm sees shrink who says “Leave!”,convinces tony to donate $50K to college
34=Ralphy made captain but Tony still pissed at him and he knows it,Meadow crashes Jackie’s car,Tony’s fucking another patient of his therapist(Mercedes dealer)
35=Tony takes Mercedes to zoo,AJ vandalizes school,Christopher gives GF a nightclub
36=Pussy flashbacks,Tony beats JackieJr for getting lapdance while dating his daughter,Christmas,not much happened
37=Christopher & Pauly get lost in the woods after failing to kill Russian drunk guy who bottled Chris in the face for Pauly breaking his universal remote,Meadow catches Jackie Jr. cheating on her
38=JackieJr+buddies try to rob Furio/Christopher/etc’s poker game(2/3 killed,Furio shot),Mercedes Gumar is a crazy bitch&Tony breaks it off w/her,threatens to kill her in response to her blackmail,Tony realizes she reminds him of his mother,she gets threatened w/murder by round-glasses-guy
39=[S3 finale]Jackie Jr’s shot,funeral,AJ isn’t going to military school after all cuz he fainted,Meadow seems to be getting a drinking problem,silver-sideburns has a problem with Ralphie and Tony,Junior beat cancer

Season 4:
40=Christopher’s doing heroin,gets to kill his dad’s murderer,Tony/Carmella worrying about money,Junior’s trial costs a lot&a fed was in the Dr’s office,Pauly’s in jail,Tony’s sister & Ralphie are fucking,undercover FBI agent(her husband is Will Arnett!) getting deeper
41=Meadow loafs about,is going to Europe,then not,Christopher’s girlfriend gets mad at undercover FBI agent,so they bring her in to turn her,she pukes on them all,Sleazy P. Martini(Sil) undermines Tony
42=Native Americans Vs. Italians RE:Christopher Columbus,funny race relation angry conversations,Karen(newly-promoted capo’s wife)killed in car accident
43=Carmine’s underboss is all mad at Ralphie for insulting his wife,puts some dude in intensive care,walks away from sit-down with Ralphie,wants to kill Ralphie but calls it off,but not before Tony’s crew puts a hit on him,Ralphie dumped by Tony’s sister,Meadow volunteers for legal representation of indigent/immigrants,Furio buys a house
44=race horses,Adriana’s getting deeper w/FBI,Bobby getting over Karen’s death thanks to Janis’s manipulation
45=Crazy Mercedes Lady killed herself,upsets Tony,who loans restauranteur $50K that he loses to French guy,who he fight,loses,tries to kill himself,Furio sent in,Furio hooked up with dental assistant by Carmella,AJ hooks up with girl richer than them
46=Real estate scam in crack neighborhood,Pauly out of jail,Christopher&Adriana getting married cause Aud wants to not legally testify,but oops she could be forced to afterall,Assemblyman dates Tony’s ex-gumar so he whips him with his belt
47=Ralphie gets a girl Valentine who Tony promptly fucks,she tells him about Raphie’s kinkiness & dumps him,Tony pays his sister $3K to verify this so he can fuck her w/o being creeped out,Carmella steals & invests Tony’s money,Pauly’s mom in retirement home isn’t making friends so he breaks the other woman’s son’s arm to make him make her be friends with his mom
48=Junior falls down courthouse stairs,starts pretending dementia,Ralphie’s son hit with arrow,Tony/Ralphie’s horse killed in fire,Tony accuses Ralphie,punches him,gets in fight,kills him
49=Christopher sits on/kills dog,gives Adriana black eye,intervention,rehab,Tony sleeps with Russian-amputee-nurse,HUD deal found out by New York,Paulie saves Tony’s horse painting
50=TOny’s sister continuing to move in on Bobby now that Karen is dead,manipulates kids,Bobby finally eats Karen’s Ziti,NYC mad about Tony’s HUD deal,want 40%,won’t take 5%,they rough up Vic The Appraiser,Tony goes to Miami,Tony breaks up with therapist becuase one-leg broke up with him
51=Pauly’s being more of a dick,Furio almost kills Tony,suddenly leaves country,Meadow has an apartment,Carmella=menopause?Not getting along with Meadow,meeting Meadow’s new roommates
52=Tony’s gonna take out other-boss Carmine for blocking the hotel construction,but then doesn’t when he settles,wants to buy beach house,pulls deal,lawyer keeps his deposit,noise-boat deployed,Tony&Carm separate after Irena calls Carm to tell Carm Tony fucked her&1-leg,Christopher out of rehab

Season 5:
53=buncha ppl get out of prison,Paulie says he’s “through” with Christopher,A BEAR,Christopher&Paulie at odds over meal-paying,culminating in undertipped waiter getting shot,Carmine’s stroke,Tony tries to date shrink,she shoots him down based on his “values”
54=Steve Buscemi[Tony 2]gets out of jail,Tony’s sister&Bobby are married,snitch killed,Adriana has meltdown;almost tells everyone she’s a snitch;instead directs FBI to chick flirting with Christopher
55=Junior getting dementia,pisses off Tony,goes missing,found,power vacuum from Carmine’s death=landscaper wars
56=Tony gets son car to inspire grades,but son parties hard,loses eyebrows,car,moves in with Tony;old guy just out of jail tells too many stories,so they trick him into going back to jail
57=Adriana has irritable bowel syndrome,Tony and her almost make out,he returns to shrink,has small skin cancer removed,gets in car accident with her,Christopher freaks out,beats her,kicks her out,starts drinking again,has a gun,is stopped,Tony almost kills him but Buscemi talks him out of it,awkward dinner w/both couples
58=AJ moves back in,Carm fucks guidance counselor,he thinks she’s a user,dumps her;Buscemi’s boss wants to invest in massage,but Buscemi freaks out and attacks him with a board after losing $12K in crack money he found
59=Tim Daly,Christopher’s AA-buddy,shows up,has gambling problem,owed Christopher money,gets roughed up,signs over deed to car,goes to rehab,Jr going to tons of funerals,Tony meets dad’s gumar,gets some of her retirement back from Hesh
60=Carmella’s dad’s 75th birthday party,guy Tony made crash his car screwing Pussy’s wife’s body shop via being a fussy customer,Buscemi shoots someone for money
61=Buscemi killed one of Johnny’s guys,making him really upset,Meadow’s new boyfriend catches Vito giving a blowjob,thinks Vito is going to kill him,balks & starts to run but gets engaged to Meadow instead,Carmella’s divorce lawyers keep dropping her
62=Tony’s sister attacks soccer mom,anger management fixes her so Tony trolls her,Tony&Christopher breaking Buscemi’s balls too much,Tony fucks up Bing bouncer=hearing loss+quitting
64=Christopher’s[been]drinking again,FBI busts Adriana for obstructing discovery of murder in her club,Tony moves back in,they drop the hammer,she tells Christopher,he tells Tony,they set her up & kill her,Christopher snorts some heroin,Tony kicks his ass,Tony says GFY to NYC RE:turning over Buscemi,who now has a definite boss,buying a lot for Carmella
65=[season finale]Tony discovers Paulie’s painting of his horse that he was supposed to burn,everyone’s unhappy w/Tony for not turning over Buscemi,so Tony shoots him,NYC still mad they didn’t get to torture them,but Tony patches it up just as the FBI raids NYCboss

Season 6:
66=1 year later,Janice(Tony’s sister)has kid,FBI guys now friendly,hanging w/the family,cause now they care more about terrorism,rat-guy who was about to implicate Tony spontaneously dies,NYCboss still in jail,dude wants to move to Florida w/his aunt’s inheritence,Tony says no,FBI(he’s a rat?!)says no,so he hangs himself,Junior getting more senile,shoots tony
67=Tony in hospital
68=still in hospital,Sleazy P. Martini not liking being boss,asthma attack hospitalization,Vito&Pauly not wanting to give their points to Carmella,but finally do,Tony awakes after defibrulation from dying of Pauly-talk,can’t talk
69=Paulie’s mom is his aunt,& vice-versa,garbage company being sold,Pauly beats son who didn’t know about the biz,demands $4K/mo&death if he tells Tony(wtf),Bobby paid $7K to shoot rapper in thigh(hits butt instead)to give him cred
70=NYCboss’s daughter’s wedding,Tony gets new muscle-bound driver who he then kicks the ass of to get alpha-male status back(pukefest)
71=Vito’s outed
72=Artie restaurant problems,credit card fraud,kicks Christopher’s lackey’s ass into the ER,he then burns Artie’s hand,Christopher’s movie meeting w/Ben Kingsly,Christopher robs Lauren Bacall
73=Vito hooks up with guy,fistfights him,they go on a picnic,Tony sells building,actually prevents himself from cheating at the last minute,AJ clubbing,cocaine,panic attack
74=Christopher suddenly married,roadtrip winejacking with Tony,reminesce RE:telling Tony about Adriana’s narcage,drinks&does heroin again,Paulie’s biopsy,carnival ride awry
75=Bobby shot in eye,NYCboss takes 15yr plea deal,Tony gets his house for his sister,Vito comes back to NJ
76=Christopher pregnant,Vito beaten to death by Phil’s crew,one of Phil’s crew killed by Sleazy P. Martini+1,Carmella’s Paris trip,Tony cheating on her again,mindfucks AJ
77=Christopher’s gumar is the Jambajuice Realitor?!,he’s already regretting his marriage,AJ gets a girlfriend,Phil Leotardo has a heart attack
78=Tony arrested for gun he dropped during NYCboss raid,charges dropped,Tony’s birthday at the cabin,insults his sister,Bobby&Tony get in huge fight,Tony has Bobby kill a Canadien drummer
79=NYCboss dies,Christopher doesn’t go to the club anymore,to avoid alcohol,movie released,Tony thinks movie means Christohper hates him
80=Tony/Paulie on the lam,Tony annoyed that Paulie talks so much,is tempted to wack him on the boat,Corrado the bigshot prisoner,medication/no medication/medication again/his Asian protegee attacks him
81=Carmella sells her spec house,Vito’s kid’s an emo&gets a stern talking to by Leotardo&Tony,Tony still owes Hesh $200K,finally pays it back when Hesh’s s.o. dies,has apparent gambling problem,breakdown
82=AJ’s suicidal,Christopher mad about Tony being mad about him not drinking/socializing/being around,power tools jacked from Christopher’s father-in-law so he throws guy out the window,drinks,gets made fun of,has meltdown,shoots Tim Daly
83=Christopher crashes truck while driving Tony,Tony finishes him off(suffocation),Tony goes to Vegas,fucks & does peyote(tripping gambling winnings)with girl Christopher knew
84=AJ attempts suicide,Coco-guy makes lewd remarks to Tony’s daughter,Tony curb-stomps him,Phil Leotardo won’t talk to him
85=Therapist breaks relationship with Tony due to study showing sociopaths get worse from therapy,Phil Leotardo puts a hit on Tony,vice-versa,T’s Italians kill wrong Leotardo,shit hits the fan,Bobby killed,Sil shot/vegetative,everyone goes to a safehouse
86=AJ’s hooking up with model chick,car catches on fire,wants to join army,offered film position instead,sit-down where everyone turns on Phil Leotardo,FBI guy rats payphone location[by sleeping with another LEO?],Phil killed,someone’s gonna testify so Tony will probably be indicted,but life goes on, it always does.

Hope you enjoyed that. (more…)

I'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Not available on Netflix. Good luck finding it if you don’t have the right connections.]

PLOT SUMMARY: Same as the movie, except it doesn’t finish because it’s a pilot for a TV series, and thus the story was supposed to be stretched out a lot longer than the 2001 movie.

PEOPLE: David Lynch directs this (duh). The cast is actually more or less exactly the same as the movie.

QUIRKS: Same as the movie.

VISUALS: Much worse. This looks bad, even for an ABC series. Perhaps it was the worn VHS tape it was recorded on? Or the fact that ABC didn’t shoot in high def back then? Or the fact that it’s fullscreen instead of widescreen? Or the hissy, buzzy audio from the VHS tape. But overall… It just looked worse. Even Naomi Watts seemed to be about 5% less hot.

SOUNDTRACK: Angelo Badalamenti FTW.

GOOD STUFF: …Any good in this is overshadowed by how much better the actual movie is.

BAD STUFF: They didn’t even really get to the part where all the characters change and everything gets insanely crazy and confusing. No Naomi Watts masturbation. No lesbianism. The story never finishes (because it’s not supposed to). This is just kind of disappointing if you’ve already seen the movie. Some parts just came off as cheesy — like the cops talking to each other.

CONCLUSION/RECOMMENDATION: Completists … You’ve been warned. This is a good glimpse of what could have been, but does not provide any additional insight whatsoever to the experience of watching the later-produced movie version.


“”All I know is, I loved making it, ABC hated it, and I don’t like the cut I turned in. I agreed with ABC that the longer cut was too slow, but I was forced to butcher it because we had a deadline, and there wasn’t time to finesse anything. It lost texture, big scenes, and storylines, and there are 300 tape copies of the bad version circulating around. Lots of people have seen it, which is embarrassing, because they’re bad-quality tapes, too. I don’t want to think about it.”” –David Lynch

Clint: Netflix: 2/5 stars (vs 3/10 for the movie). IMDB: 5/10 (vs 8/10 for the movie).
Carolyn: Netflix: 3/5 stars. IMDB: 7/10. “I wasn’t disappointed. It was supposed to be a whole series… you had warned me about that, so I didn’t get my hopes up too high for a resolution.”

The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 8.4/10 — which is higher than the 8.0/10 rating of the actual movie! But that’s also comparing 120,000 votes to 330 votes. I’m sure if the 120,000 people who watched the movie then watched this pilot — that the pilot would get a lower rating. (more…)

So I was in an episode of The Office. I was Jim. But something had happened, and I had forgotten my shirt. We were in some assembly type meeting in a reverse ampitheatre. That is, it really reminded me of the real-life Squires Student Center at Virginia Tech, except instead of the teacher on the floor at the lowest level, with everyone looking down… We were sitting at that lowest level, looking up. This makes no sense, as that’s not how ampitheatre/classes are held. But nobody noticed this.

So I was hanging out, kinda joking around, not paying too much attention to this assembly… When one of The Office characters (Kevin?) pointed out that I had no shirt on. I was somewhat disturbed that I’d gone to work shirtless, and not even realized it. I asked someone for a shirt. I think Andy had a spare one, but then it was a bit small for me.

I’m not sure when The Office part ended. It was a bit more elaborate than my description. At some point I was not in The Office, but was still shirtless and in the corporate world. We had gone to another building for a friend to run an errand. I was in the halls with him, still embarassingly under-shirted. Walking down corridors. He went into one businessplace, so I was in the hall alone, shirtless, getting a drink from the water fountain, as businessman walked by, obviously wondering if they need to call police/security. Awkwarrrrd.

At some point, I woke up from The Office dream — and perhaps the outer-layer dream that the inner-layer-Office-dream was contained in — and told Carolyn ALL about it, in greater detail than I can remember. I had written talking points on my left arm, succintly summarizing up what happened, and I elaborated on each one to her.

But the point that I woke up and told my dream to Carolyn might have been at the very end of things. Or it may be that I fell back to sleep and had more dreams. I’m really not sure.

Because I also had a crazy dream segment with me trying desperately to get home, but failing. I was in my car, but it was at the bottom of a 2-storey tall concrete backyard stairscase. Cars were not supposed to be down here. There was no road or driveway. It was a pedestrian staircase to someone’s house (as is common with houses higher/lower than the street they are on). To top things off, the top of the staircase was a cul-de-sac, and a car was parked in front of it. I was pretty much trapped, but I said “fuck it”, and drive up the concrete stairs. Amazingly, I got enough traction to handle the 45-degree pointy-stair-corner angle, and even gained enough momentum, to drive over the curb/bushes that were necessary to drive over to get around the car blocking the top.

At some point, I looked at my car, and it was just the trunk and the engine. The insides were all smashed up. Not sure how that worked. I really should realize these things are dreams!

But that wasn’t then. I still continued to drive around. I was at some downtown market. I ran into an ex-co-worker. Maybe Meschelle, but as is common in my dreams, people are not fully defined, just concepts, so I don’t know who they are for sure. Hardly ever. Even when they are close friends. So anyway, we are talking, and without her saying it, I gather she is homeless. So I offer to buy her some overpriced $5 sandwich at a local vendor stand. Meanwhile, my car is fucked up (maybe now it’s finally just-trunk-and-engine), and I’m not sure how to get home myself.

Everything was a jumbled mess. There was definitely a dream-within-a-dream, for sure. But the downtown-market-stuff was likely a completely different dream. But the fucked up car in that dream seems to be linked to the driving-up-concrete-stairs event, except that my car WASN’T fucked up for that one. So who knows. There were a lot of other crazy aspects that I don’t remember.

''Dreams... They're the hurricanes that wash the soulfilth from the superdome of our nightminds.'' --Xavier:Renegade Angel

“Dreams… They’re the hurricanes that wash the soulfilth from the superdome of our nightminds.”
Xavier:Renegade Angel (more…)

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We here at the Peoples’ Republic Of Clarolyntopiastan are sad to report the passing of one of our most frequent honorary citizens, John The Canadian, who has moved on to the great coast in the west, now to be known as Mighty Joe-John The Californian Canadien. Past the jump below is a copy of his final blogpost reviewing the cartoons we watched during our final Cartoon Night (The Sequel). The night was a sequel because we had a final night, then there was an extension, so we had another final night of cartoons. It worked out well as there was a glut of toons prior to the pre-season-wrapup haitus that most networks went on near the end of March.

Where to begin? We met in 1996, hung out until I graduated in 1997, I assume he hung out with Carolyn during the year she was still at college and I wasn’t, and we all started hanging out again once we moved into our house in 1999. So it’s been around 16 years. There’s been quite a few adventures along the way, and it is truly the end of an era.

Can’t think of very many people I’m still in touch with (Facebook doesn’t count) that I was friends with 16 years ago. While we are both still in touch with several of our college friends, for the most part we’ve all gone our separate ways over the last 15 years since I graduated, and these people are basically “online friends” / pen pals. The few college-era friends that remain as facetime-meatspace-real-life-actual-friends are often only seen at parties that we host — (and almost never in reverse) — leading us to conclude that if we didn’t throw parties, we’d probably not see them at all.

Mighty Joe-John The Californian Canadien was probably our last regularly-hanging-out (15+ times a year, every year) college-era friend. The friendship didn’t require constant reaching-out and making-oneself-available, hoping for a chance to see someone in real life and not just on Facebook. You didn’t need to work to maintain the friendship; it was just there.

I suddenly feel like I’m writing a eulogy.

Despite the fact that Mighty Joe-John The Californian Canadien did not drive or own a car, he forged an alliance with the very honorable LORD OF THE EAGLES, allowing himself to be magically dropped off at our doorstep without ever asking for a ride in 16 years of friendship. (I once glanced upon the countenance of the Lord Of The Eagles; it is a site no other Clarolyntopiastanian has ever witnessed.)

It is thus that the leaders of the Peoples’ Republic Of Clarolyntopiastan have elected to officially bestow to Mighty Joe-John The Californian Canadien the never-before-bestowed LIFETIME EAGLE LORDSHIP TRANSPORTATION ACHIEVEMENT AWARD for being less of a transportation hassle as a pedestrian than most people are as drivers. Every non-driver could take a lesson from this guy. He also receives the rare Purple Couch Heart award for inflicting couch-related injuries in the honorable Clarolyntopiastanian War Against Sobriety, as well as a permanent entry in to the Clarolyntopiastan Anecdote Hall Of Fame Archives.

Fortunately he will be coming back to visit, so this isn’t as permanent of a goodbye as when my best friend Sam Watson moved to Mississippi in 1989ish. Nonetheless, as John said in his own blog post (below), this is the end of an era. We have been given pause to consider friendship, what it truly means, how it is achieved, how it is maintained, and whether it’s always worth it.

Thus, the only logical step is to open our minds, ignore our fear of Bronyism, and  to finally allow ourselves to watch My Little Pony:Friendship Is Magic. And with that segue, here are the reviews of the cartoons, as written by John on his blog HERE.

20100930 - Carnival Machine Armada - John, Clint - (by Carolyn) - IMG_0827



MEDIA: VIDEO: CARTOONS: REVIEWS: ‘Cuz 12 Out Of 13 Ain’t Bad

Reviews of the shows John The Canadien watched with Carolyn & I during Cartoon Night: Final Edition.  As a bonus, 12 out of 13 of these shows were also good!


VIDEO: MOVIES: REVIEW: Tim & Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie (2012)

We had a big movie night for this, and we were not disappointed! The ratings people gave to the movie seemed to — for the most part, with slight exception — be directly proportional to how much of a Tim And Eric fanboy that person is.

Clint: 5/5 stars, 8/10.
Carolyn: 5/5 stars, 8/10.
Greg: 4/5 stars, 8/10.
Lauren: 3.5/5 stars, 7/10.

Native ratings: Netflix: 3.9/5, IMDB: 5.8/10.

AE: Fell asleep.
Meagan, Andy, Joe, Heather: Ignored my request for rating, but Joe had his complaints.

Anyway, this link is Ian’s reviewfor NPR, which sums up the actual movie decently.


TAGS: media, video, movies, reviews, TimAndEric, AdultSwim, TV, shows, TimAndEricAwesomeShow, GreatJob!, TimAndEric’sBillionDollarMovie, IanB, NPR, personal, hangingout, movienights, Clint, Carolyn, GregZ, MeaganP, AndyH, JoeH, HeatherLove, AE, articles, comedy

VIDEO: CARTOONS: REVIEW: Wrath von MagicMist Explains The Subtle Nuances Of Coroner’s “Masked Jackal”

A review of 7 shows we watched with John The Canadien last Friday… Plus talk on Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter and the song that got Clint into the band Coroner.


TAGS: personal, journal, hangingOut, Clint, Carolyn, JohnTheCanadien, media, video, TV, shows, cartoons, FOX, TheClevelandShow, TheSimpsons, Simpsons, FX, Archer, CartoonNetwork, AdventureTime, Delocated, NBC, TheOffice, reviews, Unsupervised, Coroner, AbrahamLincoln:VampireKiller

 movie coverI'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Not available on Netflix.]

PEOPLE: Buncha BBC British people most americans have never heard of.

PLOT SUMMARY: A zombie outbreak happens during the filming of the UK Big Brother show; the people in the Big Brother house don’t even realize what happened. Carnage ensues.

QUIRKS: OMFG A ZOMBIE MINI-SERIES?!?!?!?!?! I found out about this after watching The Walking Dead pilot. I thought, “Damn?! Are there any other zombie TV shows? I think The Walking Dead is the first ever!” And that’s how I found about about this zombie TV show. But I would technically call this a mini-series, not a tv show, due to the fact that it was aired several nights in a row, and not stretched out over a season. Plus, the story pretty much completely concluded.

VISUALS: INSANE levels of shaky-cam. I don’t mind shaky-cam very much, but it annoyed me slightly here… So those who really hate it would probably really hate this here.

MORALS: In a crisis, fuck other people. Except you won’t survive without them. But also, fuck them.

GOOD STUFF: John The Canadien’s review does a good job summarizing things. So I don’t really see a point in duplicating his effort.

BAD STUFF: Starts off a bit slow, but then the action crescendos VERY quickly.

CONCLUSION: Finally, a zombie SERIES!!!!!! YES!!!!

Clint: Netflix: 5/5 stars. IMDB: 9/10.
Carolyn: Netflix: 4/5 stars. IMDB: 8.4/10.
John The Canadien: Netflix: 4/5 stars. IMDB: 9/10.
Two Beans: 4/5 beans.

The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 8.1/10.

RECOMMENDATION: Great zombie stuff! Must see!

SIMILAR MOVIES: The only other zombie TV series: The Walking Dead! Of course, you could say this is similar to most other zombie movies. And the reality TV aspect brings the movie Live! to mind. Live! is a great movie.

 movie coverI'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Netflix link] [Wikipedia link] Been meaning to watch this series for quite awhile. We finally plowed through all 56 episodes in about 25 days.

PEOPLE: Created by Tom Fontana (St. Elsewhere).

The cast is incredibly varied, with prisoners entering, dying, and moving all the time. So it’s a revolving door cast with only 9 characters in at least 50 out of the 56 episodes, 17 characters in at least 40 out of 56 episodes, 26 characters in at least 30 out of 56 episodes, 34 characters in at least 20 out of 56 episodes.

Characters: Beecher is Lee Tergesen (jerky older brother Chet Donnelly from the Weird Science TV series, Terry from Wayne’s World 1-2). Vern Schillinger is J.K. Simmons (J. Jonah Jameson in the Spider-Man movies and Ultimate Spider-Man cartoon, Megamind, I Love You, Man, Jennifer’s Body, Juno, The Ladykillers, Law & Order, Poseidon from Flapjack). Warden Leo Glynn is Ernie Hudson (Winston from Ghostbusters, Sifu Norris from Dragonball: Evolution, Miss Congeniality 1-2, Airheads, Agent Fowler in Transformers Prime, 1 ep of Childrens Hospital, 2 eps of Heroes). Harold Perrineau as Hill, the handicapped narrator (Link from The Matrix 2-3, Flynn from 28 Weeks Later, Mercutio from Romeo + Juliet 1996, Lost).

Tim McManis is Terry Kinney (who I’ve never run into, tho he was in 7 eps of thirtysomething). Sister Pete is Rita Moreno (Carmela from 780 episodes of The Electric Company) (pic of her young, pic of her with blue hair).

Ryan O’Reilly is Dean Winters (who is actually Irish-Italian) (30 Rock, Rescue Me, Terminator:The Sarah Conner Chronicles). Bob Rebadow is George Morfogen. Agamemnon Busmalis is Tom Mardirosian. Kareem Said is Eamonn Walker (Dr. Mathison in Unbreakable, Kings, Justice, The Bill, In Sickness And In Health). Father Ray Mukada is B.D. Wong (The Salton Sea, a cockroach voice in Joe’s Apartment, Mystery Date, Law & Order:Special Victims Unit, All-American Girl). Alvarez was Kirk Acevedo (Band Of Brothers, The Thin Red Line, Fringe, The Black Donnellys, Law & Order:Trial By Jury).

Officer Joseph Mineo was Philip Scozzarella (only ever in Oz + 1 bit TV movie part). Cyril O’Reilly was Scott William Winters (Clack from Good Will Hunting, Agent Samuels from 4 eps of 24 S6, Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back). Dr. Nathan is Lauren Velez (Maria LaGuerta from Dexter, New York Undercover). Chucky “The Enforcer” Pancama is Chuck Zito (Man On The Moon, Gia), who is a real ex-con. However, he was a biker in real life, not a Wise Guy. Chico Guerra is Otto Sanchez (Push (2006), Kidnapped). Chris Keller is Christopher Meloni (Law & Order:Special Victims Unit, Frank from the movie Carriers, The Grand Wizard from Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo, Freakshow from Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle, Gene from Wet Hot American Summer, Runaway Bride, Sven the Clerk at Flamingo Hotel from Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas, the movie Bound, Twelve Monkeys, Hal Jordan/The Green Lantern from Green Lantern:First Flight, 1 ep of Michael & Michael Have Issues, 5 eps of NYPD Blue).

Poet is Craig muMs Grant (Dark Water), and has served actual time. Officer Sean Murphy is Robert Clohessy (Boardwalk Empire, Kidnapped, Ohara, Arthur 2011). Jaz is Evan Seinfeld aka Spyder Jonez, ex-bass player of Damnocracy, porn star/director (which explains why he likes to flash his dick so much). Simon Adebisi is Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje (Heavy Duty from G.I. Joe:Rise Of The Cobra, The Bourne Identity, The Mummy Returns, Hitu from Ace Venture:When Nature Calls, Mr. Eko from Lost). Robson was R.E. Rogers, writer/director of F–K and Crash&Burn, but not really in much stuff outside of Oz. Governor Devlin was Zeljko Ivanek (Emile Danko from Heroes, Andre Drazon from 24, Homicide:Life On The Street, In Bruges, Black Hawk Down, Hannibal, Donnie Brasco, The Event, Damages). Officer Claire Howell is Kristin Rohde (Homicide:Life On The Street).

Enrique Morales is David Zayas (Sgt. Angel Batista in Dexter, The Expendables). Officer Diane Whittlesey is Edie Falco (Carmela Soprano from The Sopranos, Nurse Jackie from Nurse Jackie, 4 eps of 30 Rock). Omar White is Michael Wright (Elias Taylor from the original V series). The O’Reillys’ mom is Betty Buckley (Eight Is Enough). Death-row Shirley Bellinger is Kathryn Erbe (Stir Of Echoes, Law & Order:Criminal Intent). BTW, she was married to the actor who played Tim McManus — though they divorced in 2006.

Clayton Hughes was Seth Gilliam (The Wire). Nino Schibetta (the father) was Tony Musante (Detective David Toma from Toma way back in 1974). Peter Schibetta (the son) was Eddie Malavarca. Mobay is Lance Reddick (Fringe, The Wire, Jonh Hex, Godzilla 1998 [uncredited bit part]). Raoul “El Cid” Hernanzes was Luis Guzman (Lemony Snicket’s A Series Of Unfortunate Events, Dumb And Dumberer, Anger Management, Punch-Drunk Love, The Salton Sea, The Count Of Monte Cristo, Traffic, Magnolia, Arthur 2011) (NOT from Weeds). Nikolai Stanislofsky was Philip Casnoff (How Stella Got Her Groove Back, Strong Medicine). Officer Dave Brass, the basketball player, is Blake Robbins (Agent McGuinness from 1 ep of Firefly, Tom Halpert from 3 eps of The Office). Carrie Schillinger was Jenna Lamia (Hi-Life). Supreme Allah was — get this — an actor named Lord Jamar. Pro basketball player Vahu was Rick Fox (in lots of stuff, but nothing I’ve heard of).

Napp was Mark Margolis (Black Sawn, The Girl Next Door, The Fountain, Daredevil, Infested, Requiem For A Dream, Pi, Ace Ventura:Pet Detective, Arthur 1981 [uncredited wedding guest], The Equalizer). Rev. Jeremiah Cloutier was Luke Perry (Dylan from Beverly Hills 90210). The chick who (SPOILER ALERT) almost got Beecher out on parole that one time was Sandra Purpuro (5 eps of Days Of Our Lives, 2 eps of 24).

And Miss Sally was Whitney Allen.

Also weird: Steve Buscemi directed 2 episodes.

PLOT SUMMARY: Jail sucks ass. Oz chronicles life in an experimental prison ward called Emerald City, where prisoners have more rights. It is considered an experiment, and a luxurious unit for a prisoner to live in compared to GenPop — the general population units where fights and rape are that much more common. The main character (if there even is one) would be Tobias Beecher, a lawyer who killed a girl in a drunk driving accident, now serving 15 years. He is the “everyman” compared to the typical scum that resides in this prison. You watch as group after group struggles for power, and then struggles to stay alive. Muslims, Latinos, Aryans, bikers, Christians, gangstas, Italians — almost every group is separated by lines drawn via racial or religious categorization. Life here — even in this experimental unit where it’s not as bad as GenPop — is very hard. Staying alive is hard for almost anybody. Jail sucks ass.

BACKWARD PLOT SUMMARY: Corpses re-animate into prisoners who join other prisoners, all of whom serve prison term, are released, and then go on to commit crimes. (Hmmm — that’s barely different than the plot in forward order!)

UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): [highlight for spoilers] Tax dollars fail to rehabilitate prisoners.

QUIRKS: Jail. Struggles for power. Violence. Violence. Violence. Tension. Struggles for power. Violence. Politics. Violence.

VISUALS: Bleak, and mostly the same sets over and over. In this series, you only see the outside world maybe 5 times before it’s over.

SOUNDTRACK: There isn’t really much of one. Though in the last 2 seasons, they have this “whoo whoo” sound they use during high tension/spooky moments, which make me & Carolyn imitate Bubb Rubb from the Whistle Tips videos on YouTube. Funny stuff. Look it up. “Y’all should be up cookin’ your eggs!”

MORALS: It’s not the who or how that’s important when people die — but the why. That’s the only human part of the story.

POLITICS: Lots of politics about the American prison system, and how fucked up the laws are, and how they don’t necessarily solve any problems. Most of this is done through Hill’s narration each episode, but some of it is done via characters such as the asshole governor Devlin.

GOOD STUFF: Great character development and interaction. For instance, I liked how they kept you guessing about Keller. I changed my mind about my opinion of him at least 4 times! They kept me guessing! His character reminded me a bit of the main character from The Rules Of Attraction.

Beecher was awesome when he was crazy. (“Who else would you get to represent you? Beecher?” [Beecher throws cards up in the air in the background.])

The series actually has a lot of comedic moments too, despite being pretty bleak and depressing.

The series finale wrapped up most of the story lines relatively nicely, all things considered.

BAD STUFF: Slight shark jumpings throughout the later seasons… The religious angles got a bit preachy. The musical episode with the LSD overdose — c’mon! Ridiculous! The writers of that subplot should be shot – no amount of LSD will leave you brain dead! Occasionally a plot or character would be dropped without mention in between seasons. (Remember Glynn’s hot black secretary? Poof!)

CONCLUSION: A great series about prison life. TONS AND TONS of characters and subplots.

Clint: Netflix: 5/5 stars. IMDB: 8/10.
Carolyn: Netflix: 5/5 stars. IMDB: 8/10. “My favorite characters were Beecher, Ryan, and Cyril, I felt bad for Omar White. All he wanted was a friend, but he was pretty nuts… Vern Shillinger was a dick, and I guess his granddaughter didn’t change him after all. And then Keller… wow… that guy was nuts…”

The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 9.2/10 (wow!), Netflix: 3.9/5 stars (Netflix‘s predicted rating for us was also 3.9/5 stars).

RECOMMENDATION: This series is not for the faint of heart, but it is an excellent (albeit exaggerated) look into prison life.

SPOILERY SUMMARY: S1=Beecher’s Vern’s prag,prison riot,Whittlesby smuggles cigaretes,shoots guy who was in biker gang with her during riot,Alvarez’s baby born,dies,he cuts his face, S2=Beecher’s gets crazy,bites tip of Robson’s dick off,shits in Vern’s mouth,falls in gay love with Keller,gets arms&legs broken,Adabizi gets sober briefly,O’Reilly kills Dr.Nathan’s husband via his retarded brother Cyril,Said refuses clemency,Hill wants to escape,lays in coffin, S3=escape totally glossed over!,Beecher’s lover rats on Vern,gets shived,health care privatized,Alvarez gouges out C.O.’s eyes,goes to solitaire,hangs self,boxing exhibitions,crazy C.O. stalker chick,Snake the family-murderer arrives;Hill rats on him;to protect Hill wiseguys kill Snake, …, S5=Beecher’s childhood friend is a prick,becomes Aryans’ prag,Keller on death row,Cyril’s trial,Omar White’s so pathetic,learns to sing,S5E6=jump the shark musical episode with LSD overdose making guy brain dead; Keller/Cyril/Hoyt on death row,narrator(Hill) killed, S6=Robson cuts his ‘nigger gums’ out but still becomes a prag,gets aids from Cutler,Beecher paroled,Keller tricks Beecher into violating his parole, Said shot dead,killer wants Omar White to kill him,Omar wouldn’t,so he kills Omar, Keller death sentence commuted, he kills ex-prag who killed Beecher’s dad, Cyril almost executed,then later is, Leo Glen killed,Devlin implicated,Kwerns back as warden, Alvarez inherits all of Cutler’s stuff, even tho they didn’t know each other, Agamemnon Busmalis marries Norma, Beecher kills Schillinger AND Keller, both by accident, bio-terror attack takes out Aryans, ends Oz.

SIMILAR SHOWS: I’ve actually never watched a prison show before, so I got nothin’.


Agamemnon “The Mole” Busmalis: This is the best Miss Sally ever.

Robert Rebadow: God told me.

Augustus Hill: The worst stab wound is the one to the heart. Sure, most people survive it, but the heart is never quite the same. There’s always a scar. Which is meant, I guess, to remind you that – even for a little while – someone made your heart beat faster. And that’s a scar you can live with. Proudly. All the days of your life.

Martin Querns: DON’T fuck with Querns!


 movie coverI'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Netflix link]

PLOT SUMMARY: Two people who just met must pretend they are a couple in order to trick their landlord into letting them rent a room. Comedy ensues.

UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): [highlight for spoilers] Relationship rejects exploit landlord’s drunkeness via lies.

PEOPLE: Simon Pegg (Shaun Of The Dead, Scotty from the new Star Trek reboot, Hot Fuzz, Run Fatboy Run) wrote and starred in this, along with Jessica Hynes. The rest of the actors are basically British TV actors who didn’t do much except tag along with Pegg in a few of his minor movies like Hot Fuzz and Run Fatboy Run.

QUIRKS: Lots of references to movies and TV series. Lots. It’s almost Family Guy-esque in that sense. Lots of trivia for this series.

VISUALS: Not too good; looks like a dank British production. Not crisp. Fortunately, visuals aren’t required for comedy.

BAD STUFF: There are definitely some flaws to the series, but they aren’t fatal. For example, not much happens. But Seinfeld has proven that formula can work. Their relationship issues are never really resolved in a conclusive way, despite building it up for 2 seasons. Twist didn’t really seem to add anything to the series, other than a cute face, and one of the awesomest names I’ve ever heard. Mike was never really explored or truly fleshed out. He’s basically just a Dale Gribble. But despite these flaws, pretty much every episode is filled with laugh-out-loud moments. Not much happens with the finale; They had a montage of characters doing things that we had heard reviewed as being a profound montage that may bring tears to your eyes, but actually seemed, to us, to be utterly pointless, conveying nothing.

The IMDB trivia, however, offers this bit: “At the end of a documentary about the series made in 2004, there is a moment where the characters Tim and Daisy come out of the house and talk for a moment; if this is canonical to the original storyline, then they got together and had a baby girl (who Daisy refused to call ‘Luke’).” So perhaps they caught on to things not being resolved unambiguously, and stuck this bit into their documentary to provide some additional closure.

CONCLUSION: A solid sitcom from the UK, chock full of pop culture references. Plenty of great laughs, though the series isn’t as perfect as some people proclaim.


Carolyn: Netflix: 4/5 stars. IMDB: 9/10.
Clint: Netflix: 4/5 stars. IMDB: 7.8/10. It’s an 8/10, but I was tempted to give it 7/10, so I will give it a “lower 8”.

The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 9.4/10, Netflix: 4.0/5 stars (Netflix‘s predicted rating for us was slightly lower: 3.9/5 stars). I find the IMDB rating a bit overrated–there are tons of shows funnier than this; even from the UK (Fawlty Towers!). But I don’t disagree with the Netflix rating.

RECOMMENDATION: Definitely one of the best UK sitcoms to check out.

SIMILAR SHOWS: American remake pilot! … Produced by McG of Charlie’s Angels fame. Here’s some clips:

COINCIDENCES: (Breaking Bad S2-end-ish, Spaced #1) 2 shows in 2 nights with 2 characters discussing superhero/villain drawings that one made.

FRIENDS’ RATINGS: Ian loves this series, and considers it [one of?] his favorite sitcom[s] ever. A lot of Americans know about this series, actually. (more…)

The full 3-minute version of the Mr. Belvedere theme, by Gary Portnoy are absolutely nowhere to be found on the internet! So I’m posting them myself. If this is some kind of copyright violation, please let me know via the comment section rather than contacting my host, but frankly you should enjoy the free advertising:

Purchase a non-DRM mp3 of the full 3 minute Mr. Belvedere song, as originally sung by Gary Portnoy (best known for writing and singing the Cheers and Punky Brewster themes), for 99 cents at

This song is still stuck in many peoples’ heads, apparently.

Now, enjoy the theme as sun by Stewie of Family Guy:

Here’s another goofy cover:

Yes… There’s still a lot of people obsessed with this song!

Then things get REALLY weird, I mean, why does something like this exist?

And if you’re curious what the instrumental closing-theme version of the original theme sounded like, just fast forward to the 8 minute mark in this video:

Anyway, here are the lyrics…

 movie coverI'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Netflix link] [Facebook ‘fan/like’ link] [old JumpTheShark page from] Mostly watched in 720p HD — people had been recommending this show to us for many years. I’m glad we started late enough that the finale happened before we finished! We had no clue it was about to end. It took us about 2.5 months to watch all 100 episodes.

PLOT SUMMARY: Plastic surgeons and longtime friends deal with interesting professional ethical challenges.

For people who already watched the series, here’s the most concise season-by-season plot summary that still covers most of the main plot points. I simply took notes as I watched the season. Here it is: [highlight for spoilers] S1=Escobar the criminal 80’s-music-loving guy, horny-rich-old-bitch blackmail, Matt’s self-circumcision, S2=shrink gone?!?, carver, McNamara separation, Christian’s=Matt’s dad, Ava/Famke the transsexual, S3=McNamara divorce, spa, Sean works @ FBI, Rhona Mitra+Quentin=carver, S4=new management=blackmailed ex-escort/kidney thief/gold-digger, mutant baby=surgery+midget+McNamara re-breakup, Matt+Kimber=Scientology+pregnant, is Christian gay? No, Escobar killed, S5=shark jump?, Hollywood fever/stabby pretend agent/Sean=pretend cripple, Julia lezes w/Portia De Rossi+psycho daughter Eden that poisons+shoots her, Matt=Kimber+heroin+break up,burn victim,incest, Christian=cancer,marries/divorces Liz, Biker/”24 Mole” chick hired, S6=Matt’s a mime/robber/prisoner, daughter’s a hair-eatin’ emo, biker chick now=Rose McGowan,marries,tries to kill family,gets killed, S7=Christian’s a self-hating worthless asshole,marries Kimber,auto-erotic asphyxiation,Kimber suicides, Sean+Christian=couples therapy, Liz dates squirter, Matt leaves Ramona@altar for Ava, Christian breaks partnership, makes Sean go to Bucharest

LIMERICK REVIEW: There once were two plastic surgeons named Christian and Sean,
Their lives were exciting, and would not make you yawn.
Their jobs were morally complex,
And their social lives oversexed–
But finally they realized they needed a new dawn.

HAIKU REVIEW: Plastic surgery:
Way more morally complex
than people would think.

UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): [highlight for spoilers] Plastic surgeons refuse to change for the better, lose the women they love, fail to stop a serial killer, fail to stop an organ thief ring, and altogether fail at personal growth.

QUIRKS: Gory plastic surgery set to music. Crazy professional ethical situations the likes of which you’d never imagine. Medical oddities, transsexuals, fetishists, swingers, lesbians, sex addicts, sex addiction, drug addiction, serial killers, organized crime, abusive police, gangsters, rich powerful people, Scientology, Hollywood.

This show is more intense and disturbing than many. And the characters are complex and nuanced…. That’s why it’s good!

VISUALS: A great show to watch in HD: Tons of close-up gruesome surgery scenes, tons of beautiful women, tons of intense situations.

 movie coverI'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Wikipedia link] [Not available on Netflix.] Watched with John The Canadien [except for the last episode] and Mark I [first ~4 episodes only].

PLOT SUMMARY: Kids In The Hall are back! With what could be considered an 8-episode-long sketch. Or maybe it could be considered a 3-hour movie? Either way, this was probably better than Kids In The Hall: Brain Candy.

UNCOMFORTABLE PLOT SUMMARY (inspired by this): Morbidly obese fat bastard solves crime; gay necrophiliac hangs around with corpse.

PEOPLE: The Kids In The Hall! This is the first stuff they’ve done together in many years!

VISUALS: Kids In The Hall were never about visuals — but the kid who sees normal people as butterflies is pretty damn funny.

BAD STUFF: The first 2 episodes weren’t as funny as the last 6. Some people probably quit early. Mark I did, but he’s a total hater. Of everything.

CONCLUSION: Goddamn Kids In The Hall need to stay together and keep doing stuff! Nothing they did separately was as funny as what they can accomplish together. This “Canadian Monty Python” group needs to STAY TOGETHER!

Clint: Netflix: 5/5 stars. IMDB: 8/10.
Carolyn: Netflix: 4/5 stars. IMDB: 8/10.
John The Canadien: Netflix: 4/5 stars. IMDB: 8/10.
The native public rating for this movie is: IMDB: 8.5/10.

RECOMMENDATION: Kids In The Hall fans should be careful not to miss this!

QUOTE: Bartender, to Death, after Death told him he only drinks owl’s blood, and the bartender didn’t remember him until finding a bottle of owl’s blood on the bar: “Ohhhh.. The owl’s blood guy!”

COINCIDENCES: (double coincidence) (Archer #5, Kids In The Hall:Death Comes To Down #5) 2 comedy shows in a row talking about poached eggs, both with an episode number of 5. (more…)

Yes, I keep track of this stuff!

We watched over 241 movies in 2009 (up 25% from the 193 we watched last year), so our TV-series viewing was down in 2009. Still, our list of TV shows watched was quite sizable. Read on for the full list.

I try to list the more obscure stuff first, as it’s probably no surprise that I watch Heroes. (more…)

I'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] I love failed pilots!

PEOPLE: Paul Ruebens (Pee-Wee Herman) as the hairless, earless alien in U.S. military captivity. Matthew Lillard (Without A Paddle, SLC Punk!, Scream 1 & 2, Hackers) as the new Lt. Col / project manager who just found out about the alien….err…I mean “visitor”. Jane Lynch (The L Word, Walk Hard:The Dewey Cox Story, Fifty Pills, The 40 Year Old Virgin) as the uptight high-ranking female. Bruce McGill (MacGyver, W., Legally Blonde 2, Timecop, D-Day from Animal House) as the highest-ranking general.

QUIRKS: Taking place in “Area 57”, an obvious parody of “Area 51” / “Hangar 18”, where our government did secret research that many people think involved extraterrestrials. We have the too-young-for-his-rank Lillard playing opposite an “evil” Pee-Wee Herman. In 40 yrs of government interrogation, the visitor has yet to tell the U.S. govt a goddamn thing.

VISUALS: Paul Reubens/Pee-Wee is pretty much unrecognizable as an alien. He exclusively eats cavier and straight vodka.

BAD STUFF: A bit low budget — after all, this is a failed pilot probably made for a very small amount of money. But that just adds to the charm.

CONCLUSION: IMDB: 7/10. Pretty funny. Would have loved this to be picked up: We haven’t had a good sci-fi live-action comedy since… Alf?!?! Maybe there’s a reason for that.

Lillard’s cluelessness reminds me of all the bad things that happened to him in Without A Paddle. And Rubens really is a brilliant choice for a freaky alien! Maybe someday this will be on one of the “TV Shows That Never Were” type specials. Until then, it will only be seen by those who use bittorrent trackers named after parts of the human body.

RECOMMENDATION: If you can find it… Watch it. Good luck with that. (more…)


I'd rather be watching TV![IMDB link] [Wikipedia link] [Not available on Netflix] [WATCH CLIPS ONLINE HERE]

PEOPLE: Directed and produced by Peter Girardi (Friday After Next, Crank Yankers, The Batman, Teen Titans, and producer of Saul Of The Molemen, Minoriteam). Also directed by Dave Willis (Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Space Ghost Coast To Coast, Squidbillies, Perfect Hair Forever, and writer of 6 episodes of Sealab 2021).

Starring a rarely-seen-in-live-actrion Dana Snyder as Benjamin Franklin (he was Master Shake in Aqua Teen Hunger Force, The Alchemist in The Venture Bros., Granny in Squidbillies, Todd in Code Monkeys, Gazpacho in Chowder, Strata Operator in Saul Of The Molemen, Dr. Wang in Minoriteam); Hugh Davidson (Robot Chicken, Bertrum from Saul Of The Molemen, and writer on Robot Chicken and Saul) as Thomas Jefferson; Gary Anthony Williams as Paul Revere (Malcolm’s friend’s dad Abe in Malcolm In The Middle, Uncle Ruckus in The Boondocks, Stroker And Hoop, Saul Of The Mole Men).

And with the shortest appearance of Tim And Eric ever. They’re in it for about 30 seconds, then they get “replaced”.

This is basically the same team that did Saul Of The Mole Men, and it’s produced in the same style — live actors with computer-generated/animated backgrounds. It’s actually a spinoff from the “Poor Clancy’s Almanack” episode of Saul.

QUIRKS: What… The… Fuck!?!?!?!? This history is not accurate! This history makes NO SENSE WHATSOEVER. Ahh, AdultSwim. You know how to melt my brain just right.

CONCLUSION: I’m not sure how this would have fared had it been picked up as an actual series. But as 22 minutes of insanity, it works VERY well.

RECOMMENDATION: AdultSwim fans should find this and watch it! Or use the link at the top of the article to watch various clips of it. I’m not sure that watching the clips in order even matters! This is one of the most random things I’ve watched in my life! (more…)

I'd rather be watching TV! [Wikipedia page] Oh yes! A new AdultSwim show! They’ve pretty much never made anything that I didn’t appreciate as being both funny and extremely unique and F’ed up — usually a combination of all 3. 90% of my favorite shows from the last decade have come out from the various studios employed by AdultSwim. In this case, we have a new studio called “Easily Avoidable Entertainment”. Which is quite appropros.

Anyway, this is a [only] 4-episode live-action sitcom. It’s probably the 3rd *fully* live-action show to ever air on Cartoon Network/AdultSwim, with the others being Tim And Eric Awesome Show, Great Job, and Delocated.

In fact, this show reminds me of what you would get if Delocated and Moral Orel had a baby: A parody live-action show that’s completely sacriligious.

Basically, the Virgin Mary is kind of a horny older blonde woman, and in 23 years of marriage to Joseph, he’s never gotten to take her to the bone zone. That’s because she’s still fucking God. By episode 3, God wants a threesome. But not with Joseph. With someone else. Enter Satan, in the form of a hot girl. Of course Mary checks her out too. No, I’m not making any of this up.

Jesus? He is some fat schlubby guy who totally looks older than the 23 years of age he claims to be. And Mary Magdalen happens to be 2 siamese twins named Mary and Magdalen. Jesus, who does not yet realize who his real father is, decides to follow Mary and Magdalen as HIS messiah.

Yup. Your typical AdultSwim weirdness. We watched all 4 episodes in 2 consecutive nights, though really — at 44 minutes, anyone could take this all in in one sitting. It’s half a movie.

Here’s another review for the show: [REVIEW].

BAD STUFF: Low production values. Somewhat stilted acting. But this is on purpose. They are parodying soap operas. Is the idea of parodying a soap opera simply an excuse to get the audience to accept bad acting? Who gives a fuck?!

CONCLUSION: AdultSwim‘s broken ground again, in yet another sick twisted way. IMDB: 8.5/10 (if it were on IMDB< anyway). Netflix: 4/5 stars (if it were ON Netflix, anyway).

RECOMMENDATION: If you like AdultSwim, sacriledge, making fun of soap operas, or endeavors “so good they’re bad” — this is definitely worth checking out.

I also found 3 out of the 4 episodes on YouTube:

Episode 1:

Episode 2:

Episode 3:

Episode 4:
Not yet posted, but may show up here eventually.

EXPECT THE YOUTUBE VIDEOS TO BE PULLED. Save with or snatch off D____oid if you are so inclined. (more…)

Yes, I blew him off, unfortunately.

Sometime around March 1st, 2000 — a year after moving out of my parents house — my Mom called me to tell me that someone had called looking for me. This had only happened once prior; an ex-girlfriend who I refused to call back. He had, apparently, found my video list online, figured out my last name (which I now try not to mention, but didn’t care bout back then), paid attention to where I lived, and gone through the phonebook and found our phone number. He was the only person to ever use my webpage to call me. But I had moved out, so he talked to my mom. She gave him my email address instead, but pretended that she wasn’t sure it was the right address — presumably to leave me an out if I decided not to reply.

On March 2nd, 2000, I received an email from Gary Portnoy. He had stumbled upon my vhs video catalog and noted that I had taped the final episode of Cheers. Hello. His email said: “My name is Gary Portnoy. I am a songwriter living in New York. I am the writer and the singer of the theme from “CHEERS” (Where Everybody Knows Your Name). / I would very much like to speak with you about a video in your collection, as listed on your web site. / I spoke with your mom. She wasn’t sure if this was still your e-mail address or not, but I figured it was worth a try. (She said she would speak to you within the next day or so.) / If you could, I would really appreciate it if you would call me at 914-666-xxxx tonight (Thursday) or tomorrow morning, or at 212-246-xxxx on Friday afternoon, or back at 914-666-xxxx on Saturday. I realize this is a long distance call for you; I promise to cover the charges. Or, if you prefer, I would be happy to call you. / I hope this doesn’t seem too crazy to you. I hope to hear from you soon.”

I always liked to imagine this being said in the voice of Lionel Hutz (Phil Hartman) from The Simpsons. “Hi! My name is Gary Portnoy! You might remember me from such classic TV themes as Cheers, Punky Brewster, and Mr. Belvedere!”

It actually was a bit too crazy for me. I found out that what he wanted was a copy of my VHS recording of the last episode of Cheers. It was a bit too much for me at the time, so I eventually stopped responding.

By the way, my personal VHS recording of the Cheers Series Finale DOES NOT contain the post-show segment, where the cast comes out of the Cheers bar and seems to be visibly drunk in real life. I don’t think that bit was released on DVD, because Cheers was highly controversial in that it took place in a bar and thus tacitly endorsed drinking, and then sold it to families where children would watch people drink all the time. Bad P.R. Recall that That 70’s Show had a HUGE backlash before episode #1 aired simply because they smoked pot in it. Nothing has really changed…. So anyway, if someone could find that segment and let me know where to get it — I’d love to see it again. In case no one remembers, that night in 1993 was a big deal, as Cheers had run for 11 years:

So this was a weird experience that I figured I should write down before I forget the details. (I had to GREP txt files of old email dumps just to figure out what happened to blog this…)

I’d dealt with online people on the phone before — voice verification (to prevent fake/dupliate accounts) in the BBS days was a standard practice. But I’d never had a celebrity called me on the phone. I’d emailed with a few celebrities (April Winchell) and well-known musicians (Bobby Steele, Voltaire) before, but I don’t usually get a chance to talk to them on the phone.

So. That’s it.

For reference, Gary Portnoy co-wrote (with Judy Hart Angelo) and sung not only the Cheers theme song, but the Punky Brewster theme as well. He also composed the music to the Mr. Belvedere theme. In 2007, Gary released a new album, Dynasty, with a “full” version of Mr. Belvedere, sung by himself. Purchase that version DRM-free HERE for 99 cents. You can also get the full two-verse version of the Cheers theme song HERE. If those links fail to work, this is the link to Gary Portnoy (in general) on Amazon: LINK. It’s quite strange hearing Mr. Belevedere sung in his voice, instead of the goofy voice NBC chose to use. (more…)

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