VIDEO: MOVIES: REVIEW: Machete 2: Machete Kills (2013)

Carolyn: 3/5 stars, 8/10.
Claire: Deferring to Carolyn’s rating.
Native ratings: 3.5/5 stars Netflix, 5.9/10 IMDB.

Watched with TwoBeans. However, I fell asleep a lot during the end, so the net effect of the movie was completely lost on me.

I know I laughed a lot.

Fortunately, parts 2 & 3 are a duology (i despise that word!) of sorts, so it won’t be so wasteful to rewatch #2 when #3 comes out.

Directed by Robert Rodriguez (Grindhouse, Planet Terror, Sin City).
Written by Kyle Ward.

Starring Danny Trejo (Breaking Bad, Predators, The Haunted World Of El Superbeasto, Eyeborgs, Fanboys, Smiley Face, The Devil’s Rejects, Anchorman,Trojan War, Enrique on King Of The Hill, Machete in Spy Kids 1-3) as Machete.
Mel Gibson as Voz.
Demian Bichir (Esteban Reyes in Weeds) as Mendez.
Amber Heard (Pineapple Express, Zombieland, The Informers, 1 ep of The Cleveland Show) as Miss San Antonio.
Michelle Rodriguez (Avatar, some Fast & Furious movies, Turbo, Resident Evil 5) as Luz.
Jessica Alba as Sartana (uncredited).
Sofía Vergara (The Three Stooges, The Smurfs, Escape From Planet Earth, 1 ep of The Cleveland Show) as Desdemona.
Charlie Sheen as Mr. President.
Lady Gaga as La Camaleón.
Antonio Banderas (Puss In Boots in The Shrek movies, Zorro in The Legend Of Zorro (2005) and The Mask Of Zorro, Four Rooms, Interview With The Vampire) as El Camaleón 4.
Walton Goggins (Django Unchained, G.I. Joe: Retaliation, House Of 1000 Corpses, The Bourne Identity, The Crow 3, 1 ep of Unsupervised) as El Cameleón 1.
Cuba Gooding Jr. (Don Jon) as El Camaleón 2.
Vanessa Hudgens (Sucker Punch, Spring Breakers, 1 ep of Robot Chicken) as Cereza.
Tom Savini (Django Unchained, The Perks Of Being A Wallflower, 1 ep of Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1, Zack and Miri Make A Porno, Planet Terror, Grindhouse, Dawn Of The Dead, Creepshow, and original Dawn Of The Dead) as Osiris Amanapur.
William Sadler (Freaked, Onion News Empire, Iron Man 3, The Shawshank Redemption, Bill & Ted‘s Bogus Journey, Die Hard 2) as Sheriff Doakes.

It didn’t carry the weight of the first one, but it was still entertaining for what it is.  “Machete don’t tweet.”


Clio: 3/5 stars, 6/10.
Carolyn: 3/5 stars, 7/10.
Native ratings: 3.6/5 stars Netflix, 3.4/10 IMDB.

The Swan, Paranormal Activity 2, Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes, Inception, Evil Dead. These were the primary movies spoofed.

This wasn’t that great, but it was still Zucker enough to be entertaining. Carolyn seemed to like it slightly better than Clio. It definitely could have been better, but it definitely could have been worse. It certainly wasn’t as good as Scary Movie 4, which wasn’t as good as Scary Movie 3, which wasn’t… Well, you get the picture. Maybe this was actually better than Scary Movie 4.

No Anna Faris this time. Apparently, she was pregnant. The rest of the characters declined to come back too. So this is almost like “Scary Movie presents: Rise Of The Paranormal Swanception”.

I’ll still watch a Scary Movie 6 if it ever comes out. But it’s probably time to stop now. Even Marlon Wayans has moved on to his own franchise: A Haunted House. This is a basically a franchise cooped by a corporation at this point. Zucker — now only a writer, and not a director — is the only element of legitimacy remaining.

But I’d still watch a 6…. sigh.

coincidence: (real life, Scary Movie 5) After seeing cellphone credit-card readers for the first time ever (and seeing a shitload of them) at BronyCon, 4 days later they show up in this movie.

Directed by Malcolm D. Lee. Written by David Zucker (BASEketball, Naked Gun 33 1/3, Airplane!, The Kentucky Fried Movie, 6 eps of Police Squad, director of Scary Movie 3 & 4) & Pat Proft (Scary Movie 3-4, Naked Gun movies, Police Academy movies, Hot Shots movies, The Star Wars Holiday Special).

Starring Ashley Tisdale (Phineas And Ferb, 2 eps of Family Guy, High School Musical movies) as Jody Sanders.
Simon Rex (Scary Movie 3-4, Superhero Movie) as Dan.
Lidia Porto (Idiocracy) as Maria.
Snoop Dogg as Ja’ Marcus.
Erica Ash (MADtv) as Kendra Brooks.
J.P. Manoux (Trailer Park of Terror, Eurotrip) as Pierre.
Molly Shannon (Tina in Neighbors From Hell, Saturday Night Live, Wet Hot American Summer, Scary Movie 4) as Heather Darcy.
Josh Robert Thompson (fake Arnold Schwarzenegger on 2 eps of Howard Stern On Demand, The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson) as Narrator (voice).
Terry Crews (Herbert Love in Arrested Development, Terminator Salvation, 3 eps of The Boondocks) as Martin Jacobs.
Katrina Bowden (Movie 43, Piranha 3DD, American Reunion) as Natalie.
Christopher ‘Critter’ Antonucci (he’s usually a stuntman) as Caesar.
Charlie Sheen as Charlie Sheen.
Lindsay Lohan as Lindsay Lohan.
Heather Locklear as Barbara.
Kate Walsh as Mal.
Mike Tyson as Mike Tyson.


Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (1986)

Clio: 4.6/5 stars, 8.2/10.
Carolyn: 5/5 stars, 8.6/10.
Native ratings: 4.0/5 stars Netflix, 7.9/10 IMDB.

I rated this a bit lower than Carolyn… Maybe it didn’t live up to my hyped up expectations. That is the problem with going back and watching old things. Nostalgia causes us to remember things as being better than they really were.

But this was still awesome. I had totally forgotten the context of “Bueller? Bueller?”.  And knowing the principal in the movie has now been arrested for child porn kind of adds an interesting flavor to his acting. This movie is an undeniable classic.  It still holds up.  Not so much of a party movie, but the execution of everything unfolding works out well.

Kid decides to skip school with his best friend and his girlfriend and have a Ferrari-ride caper around the city, while dodging his parents and principal. Sort of a predecessor to Parker Lewis Can’t Lose (there was an actual Ferris Bueller show that didn’t do as well as Parker Lewis Can’t Lose…. because the fact of the matter was that Parker Lewis was a better Ferris Bueller than the Ferris Bueller they had for the TV series.)

Starring Matthew Broderick, Alan Ruck as the tightly-wound hypochondriac best friend (Star Trek 7, Speed, I Love You Beth Cooper, Twister, The Edge, eps of Mad About You, principal in The Happening); Mia Sara as the girlfriend (Harley Quinn from Birds Of Prey, Timecop); Ben Stein (famous role for him), Jeffrey Jones as the principal (Sleepy Hollow, 4 eps of Invader Zim, Justice League, Beetlejuice, The Devil’s Advocate), Jennifer Grey as the sister (Dirty Dancing, Red Dawn), Cindy Pickett as the mom (Sex And Death 101 — also as someone’s mother), Lyman Ward as the dad (Not Another Teen Movie), Edie McClurg as the principal’s secretary (Wreck-It Ralph, The Life & Times Of Tim, and of course, she was Mrs. Poole from Valerie/Valerie’s Family/The Hogans), and also a bit part from Charlie Sheen. I totally didn’t see Louie Anderson (Life With Louie), but he was in there too. I also didn’t notice Kristy Swanson (Buffy The Vampire Slayer [the movie], Hot Shots, 8 Heads In A Duffel Bag, Dude, Where’s My Car?)

“To produce the desired drugged-out effect for his role as the drug addict in the police station, Charlie Sheen stayed awake for more than 48 hours before the scene was shot.” Staying up for 48 hours and playing druggies is a gateway drug to being Charlie Sheen…

Cindy Pickett and Lyman Ward, who played Ferris’s parents, married in real life after filming this movie. Awwwww.


Jeremy Turn3r: “It’s funny how, aside from this movie, Broderick has mostly made a career out of playing guileless, wide-eyed doofuses. Yet in this movie he’s motherfucking Machiavelli.”

Sheer Panic: “Ferris Bueller will always be a 10/10 for me.”

Soundwav: “I once read a comparison of FBDO to fight club that was amazing. That ferris only existed as a fantastical figment of an awkward boys mind to cope with an overbearing father and a lack of friends. I’d post a link if I wasn’t afk and hammered.”

J. Walter S: The Ferris Bueller Fight Club Theory


Carolyn: Heh, that’s very interesting.