VIDEO: MOVIES: REVIEW: Vampires Anonymous (2003)

Claire: 2.8/5 stars, 5.8/10.
Carolyn: 2.6/5 stars, 5.6/10.
Native ratings: 2.8/5 stars Netflix, 5.1/10 IMDB.

A vampire joins a 12-step program to stop drinking human blood (and use animal blood instead). Good premise…though tainted by the Twilight stigma.

Anyway, this was pretty generic. The one thing it had going for it was that it was a comedy. However, it was only OK, and not that good.
It was somewhat funny, but not that much.
The romance angle of the romantic comedy grew to overtake the comedy, like with most romantic comedies. That’s bad.
But not quite as much as the average rom-com; That’s good.
It wasn’t even widescreen, it was fullscreen!
Lots of booms! The most booms I’ve ever seen in a movie. Also the furthest into the screen I’ve ever seen a boom go in any movie.
Some bad editing.
Bad filmstock.
Sometimes unbelievable plot — even for a movie about vampires.
Still…. It did have laughs. A vampire-loving comedy-completist might want to check this out.

Directed by Michael Keller (he directed some 4 “Expert Insight” things, whatever those are…), written by J.P. Srinivasan (the only thing he’s written) and Michael Keller.

Paul Popowich (1 ep of Dark Angel) as Vic Weller.
Michael Madsen (Mr. Blonde in Reservoir Dogs, Scary Movie 4, Kill Bill: Vol 1, Not Another Not Another Movie, 4 eps of 24, 1 ep of Bob’s Burgers) as Geno.
Nicole Forester (298 eps of Guiding Light, Jack Reacher (action movie like Parker that we haven’t seen)) as Maggie Miller, the love interest.
Judith Scott (1 ep of Frasier, 1 ep of 24) as Christine, the VA moderator.
Carolyn Lawrence (Orel in Moral Orel, Spongebob Squarepants, Resident Evil, 1 ep of Caroline In The City) as Penelope. She must have been the blonde chick from the VA group.
Michelle Stafford (1468 eps of The Young & Restless, and she plays *THAT SAME CHARACTER* from Young & Restless in the movie Parker [WTF]) as Taffeta Munro, the vampire slayer.
John Boyd West (21 Grams) as Jimmy.

So yes. There are 2 women in this movie who were in hundreds of episodes of soaps, and then one 2013 action movie each: Parker and Jack Reacher. What The Fuck.

Another, personal coincidence: The night we watched this movie, Carolyn was reading her book (Discworld#24: The Fifth Elephant) and there was a reformed Vampire who talked about how she was addicted to blood and how she only drank animal blood now. Hmm, from the imdb message boards: “I haven’t seen the film but it sounds exactly like the vampire in Terry Pratchett‘s Discworld novel ‘The Truth’.” Carolyn hasn’t read that one yet. Oh, that is #25, so that will be the next one she reads. Go figure. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0197996/board/flat/4225539

LINK URL: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0197996/combined

VIDEO: MOVIES: REVIEW: Once Bitten (1985) [vampires] [Jim Carrey]

Clio: 3/5 stars, 6/10.
Carolyn: 3/5 stars, 6/10.
Native ratings: 3.0/5 stars Netflix, 5.1/10 IMDB.

It was a light-hearted 80’s movie, completely agreeing with an IMDB review we had read. It basically stated that this movie was not great, and wouldn’t make you laugh out loud much, but that it was still funny and amusing and worth watching ONCE.

Carolyn had heard of it, but didn’t think she had seen it until the library scene at the end.

Jim Carrey was good in this, but not great. There were definitely hints of Jim Carrey’s later, future greatness. He had a few moments of physical comedy that would later become components of his ongoing wacky shtick. It was interesting to see him pre-fame.

Also: Both famous ex-model Lauren Hutton, and lesser-known Karen Kopins were great women to watch in a movie. A Ginger and a Mary-Anne, if you will… Too bad Kopins stopped acting.

 

  • Jeremy: I remember this movie. It was okay, but it was no Earth Girls Are Easy.
     
  • Parthena: I think before I saw Vampire’s Kiss I had confused that movie with this one….and was, um, surprised when I realized how dark Vampire’s Kiss was. 

LINK URL: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0089730/combined

VIDEO: MOVIES: REVIEW: National Lampoon presents Dorm Daze 3: Transylmania (2009)

Clio: 3.4/5 stars (compared to 3.4 for DD1, 3 for DD2), 7.4/10 (compared to 8 for DD1, 6.2 for DD2).
Carolyn: 4/5 stars (same as other 2), 7.7/10 (compared to 8 for DD1, 7.6 for DD2).
Native ratings: 2.6/5 stars Netflix (compared to 3.7 for DD1, 2.7 for DD2), 3.7/10 IMDB (compared to 4.4 for DD1, 3.7 for DD2).

So it seems that Carolyn & I liked this better than the first movie in the “trilogy”. It’s funny that this is a trilogy, because the movies have little to do with each other. They called the 2nd one Dorm Daze 2 even though it took place on a cruise ship. At least for this one they dropped the “Dorm Daze” from the title, but how would people who liked the first 2 movies know about and find this? The only real way is Movie Connections on IMDB, under the “Followed By” section. Weird.

Dorm Daze 1 was about misunderstandings and plots.  Dorm Daze 2 was about capers and a theft.  Dorm Daze 3 was about vampires.

It had some of the same characters from the other Dorm Daze movies, but this is no longer called Dorm Daze.  It had a recap of the characters and the setup for why they were going to Romania.  And vampires!  Don’t forget vampires.

Directed by: David Hillenbrand (Dorm Daze 1-2, mostly a music developer, we haven’t seen the other 7 things he directed), Scott Hillenbrand (Dorm Daze 1-2, we haven’t seen the other 7 things he’s directed)
Written by: Worm Miller (Dorm Daze 1-2, we haven’t seen the other things he’s written), Patrick Casey (Dorm Daze 1-2, we haven’t seen the other things he’s written)

They had some of the same characters as Dorm Daze 1 and 2:
Oren Skoog (we haven’t seen his work) as Rusty / king vampire Radu.
Jennifer Lyons (3 eps of That 70’s Show, Can’t Hardly Wait, 2 eps of Night Stand) as Lynne.
Tony Denman (Fargo, 2 eps of King Of The Hill) as Newmar.
Patrick Cavanaugh (1 ep of Thundercats (2011), 1 ep of Batman: The Brave And The Bold, 1 ep of Six Feet Under, 1 ep of Frasier) as Pete.
Paul Hansen Kim (1 ep of Andy Richter Controls The Universe, 1 ep of 3rd Rock From The Sun) as Wang.
James DeBello (Cabin Fever, Scary Movie 2, Trip in Detroit Rock City, enthusiastic guy in American Pie) as Cliff Richards.
Patrick Casey as Mike
Worm Miller as Brady.

Some characters were missing with no explanation, but since this is college, one can assume that people drift apart year-to-year. Most notably, Lynne’s counterpart Marla (the “other hot chick” of the 2-hot-chick group in Dorm Daze 1, who became fat in Dorm Daze 2), was absent. Foosball was also not around.

And some new characters:
David Steinberg (Epic Movie, Willow) as Dean Floca. Unfortunately, this was his last movie, as he committed suicide in 2010.
Natalie Garza (1 ep of Dexter, haven’t seen anything else) as twin sister, Lia.
Nicole Garza (1 ep of Dexter, haven’t seen anything else) as twin sister, Danni.
Musetta Vander (The Cell, O Brother Where Art Thou?, Wild Wild West, 1 ep of Frasier, 1 ep of Xena) as Teodora Van Sloan, the vampire hunter. Incredibly sexy. She’s like a slightly younger Catherine Zeta-Jones!
Irena A. Hoffman (Four Christmases) as Draguta Floca, the dean’s daughter.

LINK URL: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0936471/combined

VIDEO: MOVIES: REVIEW:Fright Night 2: New Blood (2013)

Carolyn: That movie was dumb.  The annoying friend was more annoying than funny and he had no redeeming qualities… The vampire wasn’t very hidden, and was just so obvious, and it barely made any sense.  Ugh, this movie was just so stupid.  I rolled my eyes a lot.  I tried to keep my hatred to myself because I could tell Clio was at least liking it more than me and I didn’t want to taint his enjoyment of it, but eventually I couldn’t hold out and I had to express how dumb that movie was.  Stay away.  Don’t bother with this one.

Clio: Stupid, but I don’t expect much from direct-to-video sequels of remakes.  I mean, this movie is so far removed from the original I wasn’t expecting much. The main vampiress was super hot, there were a few moments of comedy, but for the most part it was just an ultra-generic horror with some extra-retarded moments, so retarded they detracted from the movie.

Directed by Eduardo Rodriguez.
Written by Matt Venne.

Starring a bunch of nobodies:
Will Payne as Charley Brewster.
Jaime Murray (1 ep of Childrens Hospital) as Gerri Dandridge.
Sean Power as Peter Vincent, the monster hunter TV show host.
Sacha Parkinson as Amy Peterson, the girlfriend.  She’s got creepy-hot down.
Chris Waller as ‘Evil’ Ed Bates.

LINK URL: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2486630/combined

VIDEO: MOVIE: REVIEW: Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012)

Clint: 5/5 stars, 8/10. Carolyn: 4/5 stars, 9/10.

Native rating: 4.5/5 stars, 6.0/10.

Produced in part by Tim Burton, directed by Timur Bekmambetov —  the same director as Night Watch and Day Watch — so he already has experience with awesomely-visual surreal worlds involving vampires. Very good choice. I’m glad this guy is doing English-language movies now.

This was an awesome concept. I pretty much instantly knew from the title alone that I would love this movie.

But then… Even despite all that… It completely blew away my expectations. Way more than I thought, and I already thought I’d love it.

I did not catch on that Abe’s wife was Ramona Flowers from Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World.

Anyway… Abe Lincoln was already pretty awesome, and this movie made him even cooler than before. Doesn’t matter if it’s fiction. This stoked simultaneous feelings that no other movie has ever stoked before. Great job!

This also wins the award for “best movie idea produced by manatees” (that’s a South Park Vs. Family Guy reference, in case you missed it).

LINK URL: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1611224/

VIDEO: MOVIE: REVIEW: Dark Shadows (2012)

Clint: 3.4/5 stars, 8/10.
Carolyn: 4/5 stars, 8/10.
Native rating: 3.5/5 stars, 6.5/10.

I try to catch every Tim Burton (/Johnny Depp/Helena Bonham Carter) movie, and am almost never disappointed.

This wasn’t as much of a comedy as we were expecting (since IMDB lists comedy before fantasy)…but it still had funny moments, and was an interesting story. It helped that we had no concept of the original series… And that it also had a good soundtrack. And Alice Cooper!

Great cast (Eva Green was fucking HOT!) (But then, so was pretty much every female), and the typically-great production values and direction one comes to expect from a Tim Burton film. I’m glad this got the taste of Alice In Wonderland (2010) out of my mouth, because that was the one Burton film that I really found wanting.

Looking forward to Burton’s next film, Frankenweenie, based on his short film from 1984!

LINK URL: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1077368/

VIDEO: MOVIES: REVIEW: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 (2012)

Twilight 5: Breaking Dawn Part 2 (2012) –
Clint: 4/5 stars, 8/10.
Carolyn: 4/5 stars, 7.6/10.
Native ratings: 4.0/5 stars Netflix, 5.7/10 IMDB.

“Twilight sucks!”
It’s not so bad. It’s just Underworld with more romance and less action.

“It sends the wrong message to women! It’s Mormon propaganda!”
Uhhh… I watch South Park and Beavis & Butt-head and Family Guy. You think I care if a bad message is sent? My favorite horror franchise is Saw.

“The relationship is so dysfunctional! It’s a trainwreck. Why would anyone want to watch that?”
HellOOOOOOO… Dysfunctional relationships have always been great to watch! Natural Born Killers, anyone?

“Vampires that sparkle! What the fuck!”
Right… I forgot that when an idea, like vampirism, is introduced into the cinema world, that it means that any other movie using that idea should do it the exact same way. For this reason, I hate the Star Trek reboot and The Fly remake. Just kidding! The whole point of a media is for people to create different interpretations of the same concept. It’s like arguing that a metal song shouldn’t have horns. Limits are stupid.

So anyway…. Of the 5 Twilight movies, this was the best. The ending could be construed as a let-down, but this one really had the least romance and, I think the most action of any Twilight movie.

Plus, it’s over now, and that makes me happy, since it’s not the greatest franchise in the world. But it was good enough to watch all 5 movies. I think movie #2 was the worst of the 5.

LINK URL: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1673434/combined