My Parody Religion Is Better Than Your Parody Religion … or: How I Survived X-Day XI [2008]
Day Three

20080704 - X-Day at Brushwood - SubGenius salute - (by Scalpod) - 2656035869_e7a34b77b6_o - please click through to leave a comment on FlickR
SubGenius
salute (by Scalpod)

EIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIE. This is the SubGenius salute! Remember it!

So anway… By the time we woke up in the morning — it was HOOOTTTTTTT. Longjohns were stripped out of within 2 minutes of achieving consciousness. This was much like the Assateague Natural Alarm Clock phenomenon, where you stay up late, freeze, go to your tent cold, and wake up hot from the sun. We got up and explored a bit. There was a kids area. A few kids were amazingly brought to X-Day — which seemed like a bad idea. And was kind of annoying a few times. But it’s cool to know that the campsite has a designated area for kids… with a ROOM FULL OF BALLS!!! I jumped right in, of course.

20080704 - X-Day at Brushwood - 161-6113 - ball park - please click through to leave a comment on FlickR
ball park?
take me out to the ball game?
i’m having a ball?
this campground’s got balls?

We took a can of Dinty Moore Beef Stew to the ‘main’ campfire. Someone wanted some so we shared; there was a lot of sharing going on. Sharing of everything.

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pavilion with Bob Dobbs banner, where we hid from the rain yesterday

The “Why NOT A Goat?” goat had also come along nicely, and now had fur and a complete sphincter as well:

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Why NOT a goat, bitches?

ANONYMOUS guy convinced me to take a sip of his rum & absinthe mix — he put rum in his absinthe to take the edge off. It was abysmal, but I would have far worse before the night is over… So in retrospect, it wasn’t that bad. Keep in mind that it was only around 8-9AM by now — but pretty much everyone was already drinking and cooking and such.

I forget who’s vehicle this was, but it was from a place that doesn’t require plates on the front of your car:

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SubGenius license plate

I mentioned that it was hot, right? Well, my Axe deodorant completely liquefied in its container! So I decided to keep our tent from sweating. Now it is marked for life. Carolyn didn’t like this, but I found it to be very bulldada myself. Plus, if anyone ever decides to puke on a tent (unlikely), it will look like mine has already been puked on. And it will doubtlessly be a conversation piece during future camping trips:

20080704 - X-Day at Brushwood - 161-6120 - melted deodorant - please click through to leave a comment on FlickR
melted deodorant

And actually…. I recorded a video of The Great Pourening as well:


melted deodorant pour, Brushwood 360 (28s)
the campsite is fuller now, and our truck is wearing fishnets

We talked with various people — mostly the group we had hung out with last night — and drank and such.

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Gypsy Prime, Tangent, Reggie Zus

Eventually, we wandered to the main pavilion for shade around 1PM, and hour before the official events of 2PM kicked off. In the sun, it was barely survivable outside. We repeatedly used a water mister (“Mr. Mister”, as we call it) to keep cool. And yet, in the pavilion — which provided only shade — Clint had to wear a long-sleeved sweater due to the wind chilling his bones. Going between a sweater and sweating your ass off made Clint feel particularly cold blooded. We played another 4 hands of rummy, for 10 total, with Carolyn starting at 160 points, and me starting at 350 points. Yet, in 5 hands, she handed my ass to me, 520 to 400. I did very poorly: 75,35,25,5. That’s how you lose when you have twice as many points as your opponent.

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Bob” Dobbs is now in the stockade

There was a stockade set up right outside the pavilion, facing the access road as you came in. We had some fun with it:

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Carolyn in the stockade

20080704 - X-Day at Brushwood - 161-6127 - Clint in the stockade - please click through to leave a comment on FlickR
Clint in the stockade

Oh dear god NO!:

20080704 - X-Day at Brushwood - 161-6129 - random dude humping Bob - please click through to leave a comment on FlickR
random dude humping Bob

I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to sleep soundly again. Well, at least not this soundly:

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picture of a contented man napping

Either way, I was glad to finally round out my collection of family members in stockades. My parents posted one on their flickr, I now had one for me & Carolyn, and of course I had one from my sister Britt — which I turned into a trading card:

Anyway, it was 1PM. Another live Hour Of Slack was to be recorded. As usual, a select few of these unherdable SubGeniuses managed to make it out for the official events:

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audience watching preaching and/or Hour Of Slack

They read a letter from Rev. Mary Magdelene about her legal problems — her child was taken away from her because she was a SubGenius. Read about that HERE on wikipedia. She has her child back, but has no way to relieve herself of $120,000 in debt from the legal fees. She only got her kid back after the father got a felony drunk driving conviction.

I also wrote down the quote: “SubGenius 102 – You’ve passed it when you realize all there is is to teach the next guy SubGenius 101.” Hah!

20080704 - X-Day at Brushwood - 161-6132 - audience watching preaching - please click through to leave a comment on FlickR
audience watching preaching and/or Hour Of Slack

There was also a question and answer section — the only real audience participation to the live Hour Of Slack. People wrote down questions and submitted them to Dr. Hal & Ivan Stang. One of them was, “What if cottage cheese replaced ‘time’ in the space-time contiuum?” Dr. Hal is really good at giving 5 minute answers to such questions.

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audience watching preaching and/or Hour Of Slack

I submitted a 2-part question, the first part being “Why is the sky?”

He went on for QUITE some time about “Why is the sky?”, talking about the moon, tides, the sun, carbonated oceans, the atmosphere, and various other stuff.

My second question was “Why does the conspiracy value cleanliness so much?” He also went on for a bit about the cleanliness as well, basically saying that “Cleanliness is next to Godliness”. But he went on to say that God is exoraganic and does not need to be clean. “But also…So are lifeless lunar rocks……. Cleanliness is an illusion”.

I hope to eventually find this audio in one of the Hour Of Slack show episodes.

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Air Shrine, Carolyn sitting on a rock in the background

It was around then that I had a conversation with Rev. Comma Door about Atari and MOD files. Don’t remember the specifics, but we exchanged emails to try to remember what the hell it was we were talking about.

I Also heard a great joke: “What sound does a disembodied vagina make when it’s thrown into the lake?” This text put here to visually distract from accidentally reading the answer first. “Doooosh!” This text put here to visually distract from accidentally reading the answer first.

Another Bulldada Auction was to be held, but it was going to be in awhile. We headed back out into the field.

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Morgan visited the campsite we were at

Carolyn bought a hemp necklace from Pantiara, and I bought some artwork from Rev. Panik, who had some cool stuff:

20080704 - X-Day at Brushwood - 161-6138 - Rev. Panik's drawings - please click through to leave a comment on FlickR
Pantiara’s necklaces & Panik’s art

I liked his Voudoun Seppuku piece, and used photoshop to trip the colors out more than in real life:

20080704 - X-Day at Brushwood - 161-6139 - Rev. Panik's art - Voudoun Seppuku - please click through to leave a comment on FlickR
Rev. Panik’s art + photoshopping – Voudoun Seppuku

I ended up buying a non-colored, non-captioned print of this picture (click picture to see it):

20080704 - X-Day at Brushwood - 161-6154 - Rev. Panik's art - Strawberries - colorized - please click through to leave a comment on FlickR
Rev. Panik’s art – Strawberries – colorized

I also liked this piece:

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Rev. Panik’s art – ICBM Delivery Service

As well as this one, entitled “hubris”:

20080704 - X-Day at Brushwood - 161-6142 - Rev. Panik's art - Hubris - please click through to leave a comment on FlickR
Rev. Panik’s art – Hubris

And this one was cool too. Cool enough that Panik had it tattooed on his arm:

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Rev. Panik’s art – Under My Skin

I’m pretty sure I can get in touch with Rev. Panik if anyone wants to purchase the originals to his stuff. There was LOTs of stuff; I only took pictures of a few items.

Then there was this guy:

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“Tom Petty”

And all of a sudden….Out of the blue.. from strangers… CUPCAKES!!!! NOM NOM NOM. Don’t know who brought them, or why, but we were all very happy. And our teeth very blue for some time.

20080704 - X-Day at Brushwood - 161-6145 - Cupcakes - please click through to leave a comment on FlickR
blue cupcakes out of the blue = SLACK!

I then wandered back down to the pavilion to get a few minutes of shade and check out the Bulldada auction and see if anything cool was being sold. I bid on a few things, but the bidding always got higher than I was willing to pay, as I am a cheapskate.

No photos, but I did snap 3 videos, combined into 1, of them selling the book “The Guide To Getting It On”:


Bulldada auction – The Guide To Getting It On

Finally, I did get something! Doktor Dark’s Crock Of Shit. Awesome, but the lid was cracked:

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Crock Of Shit

I went back to Gypsy Prime’s site, and along the way several people asked to see my crock of shit (as did the campsite people). It was passed around for everyone to enjoy.

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My name is Mr. Douchebag

Really the only truly negative experience to happen to me the entire time was this guy. The guy must work for Brushwood, and was driving a tractor around. I took some shots of the tractor over my shoulder, without really looking, because I thought it was hilarious that a tractor was driving around the middle of a field.

The next thing I know, he’s trying to get my attention, and calls me over there, giving me a lecture about how “maybe some people don’t want to be photographed”. Yeah, because they’re fat redneck pieces of shit who drive tractors around for a living. This guy was clearly not a SubGenius, and everyone was quite surprised by his reaction.

In fact, later I had to talk a group of 5 or so people OUT of forming a cadre of camerapeople who were going to assault him by running up and photographing him from all angles with 5 or so cameras. That would have been pretty funny had it happened!

This also makes methink of the Virginia Tech PhoneMail message that I had, which was a comedy bit that included the phrase, “It ain’t a fuckin’ tractor!” over and over.

Anyway, it was a yearly gathering where lots of photos are taken every year. We were paying customers. I don’t know what his damn problem was.

20080704 - X-Day at Brushwood - 161-6159 - MySlack license plate - please click through to leave a comment on FlickR
another SubGenius license plate – MySlack

Popess Pantiara Evokovitch, by the way, seemingly changed outfits every 2 hours. This one was my favorite, and I managed to droolingly snap a picture, since I had seen how there was nothing on beneath the fishnet bodysuit:

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Pantiara with fishnets and flip-flops – a popular Brushwood SubGenius choice

It was around that time that I heard the absolutely lovely sounds of fire and destruction. LOUD fire. I was immediately drawn towards the sound, so I grabbed my camera and approached. Turns out that there was a guy (“Jason”, says someone on YouTube) lighting a bonfire in the Roundhouse / Fire Shrine … with a blowtorch. That was seriously cool:

20080704 - X-Day at Brushwood - 161-6166-diptych-161-6165 - Lighting a bonfire with a blowtorch - please click through to leave a comment on FlickR
Lighting a bonfire with a blowtorch — It has a name: The Dragon.

I also took a video, so that one might appreciate just how ferocious the sound of the blowtorch was:


lighting a bonfire with a blowtorch (30s)

We then walked around some more, checking out the various campsites and various strange lights in the night:

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Strange lights

The above lights were kind of connected to these lights:

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Strange lights

This campsite seemed near permanent… A trailer of sorts:

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alien yard gnome

This structure didn’t seem as permanent, and was overwhelmingly blue-lit. Nobody was in it at the time, but it seemed like a cool place to hang out:

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blue campsite

Apparently in New York they have basically passed a law specifically outlawing raves. How ridiculous; this is like the recent controversy in Russia where they are considering banning “emo and goth music and clothing”. Talk about a violation of expression and freedom. So anyway, everyone was cordially invited to the “not a rave” zombie after-party at midnight. But first we decided to go to the pavilion and check out the current band playing, Mike Bison:

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Mike Bison playing – Nick on Atari 2600, Phil on tiny drums

Mike Bison was a strange band indeed. Their instruments consisted of a tiny drumset that looked almost like a toy drumset, and an Atari 2600 with SynthCart. They even had the TV doing the “light show” mode. It was mesmerizing. And quite strange. There was one sample, which we heard repeatedly throughout our entire Brushwood experience –

“Tonight I’m gonna get so fucking drunk, and smoke so much dope and cigarettes… It’s gonna be awesome.”

^^ I found the sample! Wont say where it’s from, so not as to arouse the ire of the copylords.

They set up shop around the Roundhouse a lot of the time too, so you would often hear this sample.

Finally, it was around midnight, time for the Zombie Not-A-Rave. We had remembered to bring our own fake blood, thanks to the checklist of Things To Bring To Brushwood. When we arrived at the campsite, someone at the “door” put more zombie makeup on us — grey zombie skin tones:

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Clint & Carolyn in zombie make-up

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Zombie Clint

20080704 - X-Day at Brushwood - 161-6185 - Zombie Carolyn - please click through to leave a comment on FlickR
Zombie Carolyn
lowering the gamma in photoshop brought out her sunburn more and made her look more zombie-like

We thought we were at Dr. Legume’s semi-permanent campsite — but it was actually the late Professor Chas’s campsite, now adorned with glowsticks all over the ground:

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glowsticks adorned the ground of this campsite

This campsite included a bondage cross, a watch tower of sorts, and a tiny (5 ft x 4 ft perhaps) stage. We came back and took more pictures of this site the next day, so you’ll be able to see what I’m talking about when I post that.

At some point, there was a sort of dedication, the “Baptism Of The Dead”. It turns out that Professor Chas was a SubGenius who recently died, so this was a dedication for Chas. Dr. Legume thanks various forces from the north, south, west – but not the east. Fuck the east.


Baptism Of The Dead – 1 minute dedication excerpt
Hear the whole thing during
Hour Of Slack #1162, near the 45 minute mark

Everyone had to draw the name of a serial killer out of a bottle. You then had to wait for your serial killer name to be called, at which point you went up to the stage and took a ceremonial swig of a blood-colored alcoholic concoction of sorts, which was called “The Blood Of Chas”:

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Baptism Of The Dead – Anna Dynamite helps read off names

Carolyn drew Ghengis Khan. I hadn’t heard of him at the time, but I drew Ottis Toole, who killed John Walsh‘s son, thereby giving us America’s Most Wanted.

Y’know–John Walsh never gave a shit about murdered children until his OWN son got killed, sort of like how Christopher Reeves never gave a shit about paralysis until HE was paralyzed.

In fact, if you listen to the Hour Of Slack #1162 11 X-Day Special #1 podcast, at about 15 minutes before the end of it through 14 minutes and 30 seconds before the end of it (45:00 – 45:30), you can hear me say “Ahh” after they say “Ottis Toole“, and then you can hear them call “Ghengis Kahn”, and clearly hear Carolyn laugh, and Legume say, “You’re much shorter than I remember.” Nice for us to have a ‘cameo’ in an Hour Of Slack! In fact, I extracted just that section to test out WordPress’s mp3 embedding:


^^ Our cameo in the Hour Of Slack ^^

There was also one other blonde there who had hair more blonde than Carolyn‘s. She said “Whateva, man.” A lot. As in, I’ve seen blogposts by other people (Doktor Holocaust, and maybe others) who mentioned this was the only thing she ever said.

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Baptism Of The Dead – Allison drinks the blood of Chas
from SubGenius.com

She told Carolyn that she “worked in the industry” and so it helped to have the blonde hair. What industry, though? Hair? I found out via filenames on other posted pictures that her name was Allison.

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Zombie Pantiara and Zombie Carolyn

Sometime shortly after that, I was handed more absinthe. But the dude didn’t tell me it was homemade. After he swigged directly from the bottle, I did the same. That was the end of me.

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Senator, Morgan with “Pussy Worship Now!” shirt, and Zombie Eggplant

The absinthe taste was horrible. I did not even taste the licorice. It was just wormwood swill! I pretty much kept spitting, and pounding beers to get the taste out of my mouth. (NOTE: This did not work, and the taste was just as horrible the next morning — until I ate breakfast.) This got me wasted in record time. At one point, I told Carolyn, “Uh oh! I’m becoming that guy again!”, in reference to my 7-hour absinthe rampage at our annual Assateague Beach Camping Trip in 2007. But I was joking. Then, after smoking, I pretty much was just passed out. Carolyn took me to the tent and we went to bed. I have no recollection of this. She had to hold me.

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Zombie Panik, hacker of Furbies

Apparently after we went to bed, someone convinced ANONYMOUS guy to go up on the bondage cross. At this point, he had glowsticks inserted into his ass. The number I hear is 9. I also heard “He only screamed, ‘Yes! Yes’, for the first 2”. Ahahahah. Heard the same story with Gary/Cuzbuggery/Caption Velcro and 15 glowsticks, but that may have simply been a vicious rumour. Most online reports seem to say it was the ANONYMOUS guy with 9 glowsticks.

And many people’s write-ups include “glowsticks in rectums” as one of the salient bullet points of crazy things that happened at X-Day. The next morning, ANONYMOUS guy was walking around, looking TERRIBLE. Very wasted and hung-over. He looked how we felt when we woke up after Day #1. Actually — the picture of me tomorrow morning when I first wake up is just as bad.

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Skeleton costume

I think Carolyn took this picture of a guy in a skeleton costume while I was passed out after slamming beers to get the absinthe taste out of my mouth. For some reason, I think he looks really sad. But I know in reality he was probably enjoying himself immensely. But the posture involved just seems sad.

Anyway, I’m sorry I missed the glowstick incident. That would have been hilarious to see.

READ ABOUT DAYS FOUR & FIVE HERE….

READ ABOUT DAY TWO HERE…

See also: Doktor Holocaust’s X-Day reviews: Day 1, Day 2, Day 3, Day 4. And the official reports from SubGenius.com.