CARTOONS: Cartoons That Never Should Have Been: #9: Rubik, The Amazing Cube

I’ve been grabbing a lot of episodes of “cartoons that never should have been” lately. Not for watching, but mostly for having. And laughing at. And fast-forwarding through. And getting a feel of how bad they were. I present you with screenshots from “Rubik, The Amazing Cube” (1983) (imdb), based on the Rubik’s Cube puzzle.

Talk about a suckfest! You’re making a show about an inanimate cube. What were you thinking?
Not a literary, film, music, or even toy hero … but a cube. Not exactly the most inspiring material to begin with.

The theme song

The tale follows our “Hispanic” family as they go on various adventures with their friend “Rubik”, who just happens to be an amazing cube! I put Hispanic in quotes because they are basically white people, drawn darker, who occasionally gratuitously say something in Spanish. And eat tacos. Other than that, they look and sound completely white, and have no real sign of their heritage whatsoever. Except for their “very special episode” that has to do exclusively with cultural issues, and kind of makes up for it. Maybe it was because the 1980s were not renowned for having the best animation, but it just felt like one of those “unlikely diverse groups” that you would find on a government poster that wants to make sure everyone feels represented. Still, they pushed the envelope in some ways since every other cartoon on at the time pretty much exclusively did star only white kids, so kudos to them for that, even if it came off corny.

So anyway … This show is about a freakin’ cube!

But this cube is different! This cube fell off the back of a wagon … and um … I didn’t quite catch it due to lack of apathy, and maybe sobriety — but I guess those people were witches or evil or magical or something (maybe they were Al Queda), because this cube sprouts legs that look like “The Thing” from Fantastic Four, except in an unsettling, unsightly blue color — along with a really creepy facethat remins me of…. I don’t know what. It just reminds me of something that I wish I didn’t have to remember. God help me.

So, the cube is magic, and is basically the main character. His name is Rubik. And you have to solve him to make him appear. Pay attention, this is a critical plot element.

Of course the effort of solving a cube is totally worth it, because it has powers! You can fly! I mean, don’t you remember the stories of lore about magical Rubik’s cubes? It’s practically an archetype in classical literature! So anyway — his flying comes in real handy during Halloween when you need a suitable flying ghost to score yourself some extra candy:

Seriously guys.
With great power, comes great responsibility.
You’re using it to get candy.
Great lesson.

Of course, that also means that Rubik can make you fly as too:

I can’t imagine a better marketing mechanism than “this toy will make you fly“. Can you? I mean, it’s pretty much the child-equivalent of” this toy will make you have orgasms”, which seems to be the basis for a lot of adult toys (including Viagra). I wonder how many naive and sheltered children only finally lost their innocence after finding out that a Rubik’s Cube can’t really make them fly?? And how many more plummeted to their deaths, thinking they could fly?

By the way kids — Santa Claus is a fake too! And since Rubik can make you fly, he can also turn you into a superhero, and give you a prepubescent God complex just waiting to be nurtured further — during your sociopathic teenage years:

“I’m God here!” -Lawnmower Man

And of course, if you can make people fly, you can make them waterski too:

And not only can he move matter around in these various useful manners, but he can transmute it as well. That’s how he made the super-hero outfit on the little girl above. He can also, of course, transmute himself into various matter. When a robot tried to crush him, he became a sticky mess of custard-looking goop, and bounced around before transforming back into a cube. He also used cotton candy to tie up some crooks, later laying them down like a hotdog and covering them in ketchup and mustard. How humiliating. And since he can transmute, and thus basically shapeshift, he can of course substitute for a flight of stairs, or a beach chair:

What is he supposed to be with the beach chair?… Rubik’s Magik?!?!)

And since he can control matter, he can change your body as well! Of course if he gets “un-solved” and reverts to a powerless inanimate cube — then you’re stuck with your modified body. And adventures will ensue as you inhabit this strange body and need to solve a Rubik’s Cube with it. Pay attention, kids — this comes up later.

No, this isn’t the Teen Wolf animated series.
But probably just as bad.

As established earlier, you have to solve Rubik to make him appear. This inevitably leads to predictable corniness, as they go through great efforts to invent all kinds of obscure “extreme Rubik Cube” situations. It gets rather ridiculous and contrived, which just adds to the guilty pleasure of reveling in how much this show sucks. First, we have the “OMG we got him mixed up with a bunch of magical cubes we have to grab them all and take them home and solve them all real quick” scenario, a true nightmare:

Which is fortunately solved by having a dog around…

Then, we laughably encounter a situation where a character has to solve the cube with his hands tied behind his back:

Hardcore!

And since he can alter matter, he can alter your size as well. At one point, the kids ended up small, and Rubik became “un-solved”, and thus powerless to change them back to full size. Thus, they had to solve a cube that had an apparent height of four feet. Because we just can’t possibly run out of exciting Rubik’s Cube scenarios, can we? This is extreeeeeeeeme, kids!

Of course, what could be harder than solving a cube that’s 4 feet tall?

How about solving a cube without opposable thumbs!
Since he can alter the composition of your matter, and change your body (“Teen Wolf”, above), he can of course also make you a dog. They use this to pass off the phenomenon of switching bodies with a dog (so some dog is in your body). Of course Rubik gets un-solved, so now one of the main characters has to solve a Rubik’s Cube as a dog!

Extreeeeeeme!

Or maybe you need to solve a Rubik’s cube while stealing it from an Eagle’s nest on a cliff-side? Better hurry up, that eagle’s coming! (It really did.)

EXTREEEEEEEEEEEEEME!!!!!

And, just when you think it can’t get extreme enough — QUICK! Solve a Rubik’s Cube before you go over the side of a waterfall!! Except he didn’t! OH NOES!! Solve it while falling down, upside-down! (He did, of course. This is a cartoon. No one can die.)

Does it get any better than this?

Does it get any better than this?? Well where can we really go from here? There’s really just one place left — monkeys! M-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-Monkeys!!!!

Lancelot Link: Secret Chimp?

Yes, it’s true. At one point, the fate of all the characters in the show relied on this one stupid random primate’s luck in solving a Rubik’s Cube that just washed ashore. They even made it look like the monkey was just playing with it randomly, and got lucky — which actually makes it worse. At least give me hope for a lower brainform, instead of just making it look like idiotic serendipity. The children of 1983 can’t depend on serendipity, for God’s sake! Show us the monkey being logical, next time. Not just dumb luck. I am reminded of Star Wars:The Phantom Menace, with a young Annikan Skywalker randomly pushing buttons in his fighter, and destroying ships left and right. I call bullshit!

Anyway — They get into some other situations. A cat chases Rubik, they have an entire episode based in Alice In Wonderland, they have a ghost-based episode. (Think the ghost likes them because they can also fly?):

Flying after mushrooms?

But what takes the cake was the season 1 finale.

Basically, they steal United States Federal Government blueprints for a new robot… And I believe they might sabotage some U.S. hardware as well. Then they build the robot (or somehow get him to leave the government complex, I skipped MOST OF THIS SERIES, of course, so I don’t know for sure what happened.)

But the point is — Nowadays, you’d probably get taken away and not given a lawyer for years, Guantanamo-style, just like Jose Padilla. I mean, they had to send two agents on an investigation just to find the kids and recover their Top Secret schematics (which they called a “program”; totally inaccurate).

G-Men after Renaldo…

Secret program schematics

And of course, what does a logical government entity do after losing thousands of taxpayer dollars in manpower and resources investigating the stealing and sabotage of their technology? They eat tacos with your family, of course! Yes, it’s true. After they find out it was just a “child hacker”, they conclude: “Well, I guess since no real harm was done here….” And this is after sitting down to eat tacos with the family.

Yes, we are to believe that our government can be bought off … with tacos. If that were the case, there would be no immigration debate, as Mexico would have already bought its way in with an infinite supply of tacos. Tacos which our government would gladly take as payment for stolen technologies. Tacos which I would gladly accept on government subsidy. Even in a cartoon, they look delicious. And huge!

“These tacos are espionagelicious!”

And just for general WTF value:

Rubik’s fledgling tattoo parlor business failed.

And of course, our daily moment of zen:

Wilson!!!! WILLLLSONNNNNNNNN!!!!!!

NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
WILSOOOOONNNNN!!!!!!!! NOOOOO!!!!
WILSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So in summary, as usual:

Be glad if you never saw this.
Be very glad.

For other postings in my series, “Cartoons That Never Should Have Been”, click HERE.
Look for a new one every Friday, until I lose motivation. I’m pre-writing these several entries ahead.