Clint: 3/5 stars, 6/10.

Carolyn: 2.6/5 stars, 5.6/10.
Native ratings: 2.4/5 stars Netflix, 2.4/10 IMDB (83rd lowest-rated move ever).

I bought this VHS cassette for $2.50 at a yard sale because I hadn’t heard of it, liked the hot chicks on the cover, and read the plotline about girls who decide to turn the tables and rape guys. It just seemed like an outrageous plot. After years of never playing the VHC cassette… I finally Netflixed it.

Written/directed by Kat Slater who made this movie, then a bunch of porno movies. This is the only real one. wtf. I guess this was hated so much (83rd worst movie ever) that Kat Slater (aka Christina Peters) had to go into porn afterward. She’s up to Young Sluts 15 now. Here’s an article about it.

But this is her one “real” movie.

We’d seen some of these actresses elsewhere: Busy Phillips (White Girls), Keri Lynn Pratt (A Midsummer Night’s Rave, Cat from Smallville, 1 ep of That 70’s Show and Nip/Tuck), Dominique Swain (Totally Awesome, Happy Campers), Thora Birch (American Beauty, Patriot Games, Dungeons & Dragons 1).

So anyway, the movie itself was a little sophomoric. Not particularly well written, acted, shot, produced, edited, or transferred to dvd.

But it was still interesting. It almost seemed inspired by Gregg Araki‘s teenage apocalypse trilogy. Over the top plot lines & characters. Over-the-top sexual obsession. Gender power struggles. Crazy fashion that doesn’t exist in real life.

I actually felt like this movie had a lot going for it… But it was held down by the badness of it all. But some like it for being bad.

Unfortunately, it became kind of a downer at the end. Which is also a Gregg Araki thing to do. It makes it a bit more poignant (or possibily pretentious).
At least it was interesting. More interesting than your average movie.

LINK URL: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0205418/combined

VIDEO: MOVIES: REVIEW: Gridlock’d (1997)

Clint: 3/5 stars, 6/10.
Carolyn: 3/5 stars, 7/10.
Native ratings: 3.7/5 stars Netflix, /10 IMDB.

So…. first movie we watch this year opens with a New Year’s Eve countdown… What are the odds of that? Compute them for me, please.

Carolyn’s thoughts:  I thought this was going to be more of a caper, but it turned out to not be as funny as I was hoping.  It was more a commentary about how messed up the system is for drug addicts who want to get help to kick the habit.  It was pretty interesting, and it was lighthearted enough to not bring us down too much.

Clint: I can still see why this has “comedy” listed as one of its IMDB genres, but I should have noticed “Comedy | Crime | Drama” having “drama” right there at the end.  If the only thing between drama and comedy is crime, then it verges on dramedy territory. I hate expecting humor and getting little. But this still had comedic elements all the way through to the end. It was kind of a black comedy. Depressing yet unexpectedly funny at the same time.  I don’t know that I’d recommend it, but it had its interesting moments.

Written & directed by Vondie Curtis-Hall (directed 1 ep of Firefly).

Starring Tupac Shakur as Ezekiel ‘Spoon’ Whitmore. One of the last 2 movies he appeared in.
Tim Roth (Mr. Orange in Reservoir Dogs, The Incredible Hulk (2008), Funny Games, The Cook The Thief His Wife & Her Lover) as Alexander ‘Stretch’ Rawland.
Thandie Newton (2012, Run Fatboy Run, The Chronicles Of Riddick, Interview With The Vampire, Mission Impossible 2, 1 ep of American Dad) as Barbara ‘Cookie’ Cook.
Lucy Liu as Cee-Cee. (Why the hell didn’t I recognize her?)
Charles Fleischer (Roger Rabbit in Who Framed Roger Rabbit, A Nightmare On Elm Street, Dick Tracy, Gross Anatomy, 1 ep of Men In Black:TAS, 1 ep of God The Devil And Bob, 1 ep of Weird Science, 1 ep of Lois & Clark) as Mr. Woodson.
Howard Hesseman (Halloween 2 (2009), WKRP In Cincinnati, 7 eps of Soap, 3 eps of That 70’s Show) as Blind Man.
James Pickens Jr. (19 eps of The X-Files, 19 eps of Roseanne, 2 eps of Curb Your Enthusiasm, 2 eps of Six Feet Under) as Supervisor.
Tom Towles (Rob Zombie’s Halloween, Grindhouse, The Devil’s Rejects, Night Of The Living Dead, 1 ep of Firefly, 1 ep of Malcolm In The Middle) as D-Reper’s Henchman.
Tom Wright (The Onion Movie, Live!, 2 eps of 24, 1 ep of Nip/Tuck) as Koolaid.
Richmond Arquette (A Midsummer’s Night Rave, Rob Zombie’s Halloween, Smashed, Scream 3, Fight Club, Se7en, The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button) as Resident Doctor.
Vondie Curtis-Hall (Die Hard 2, 1 ep of The Sopranos, and the director of this movie) as D-Reper.

LINK URL: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0119225/combined

VIDEO: MOVIES: REVIEW: Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010) [Finland]

 A Finnish film subverting the Christmas legend with a twist.  Entertaining, though somewhat slow in parts.  The execution could have been better, but hey, it’s not a blockbuster-funded endeavor. It’s Finland. Still fun to see Santa Claus depicted as an evil demon. The ending was downright funny.

Written & directed by Jalmari Helander.

Starring a bunch of Finnish actors:
Onni Tommila as Pietari Kontio.
Jorma Tommila as Rauno Kontio, his father.
Tommi Korpela as Aimo.
Rauno Juvonen as Piiparinen.
Per Christian Ellefsen as Riley.
Ilmari Järvenpää as Juuso, Pietari’s naughty friend.
Peeter Jakobi as Pietari’s Elf.

LINK URL: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1401143/combined

VIDEO: MOVIES: REVIEW: The Da Vinci Code 2 – Angels & Demons (2009)

Clint: 3/5 stars, 8/10. (Compared to 3/5, 6/10 for Da Vinci Code.)
Carolyn: 4.4/5 stars, 8.6/10.  (Compared to 5/5 stars for Da Vinci Code.)
Native ratings: 3.7/5 stars Netflix, 6.6/10 IMDB. (Compared to 3.6/5 stars, 6.4/10 for Da Vinci Code.)

Pink Panther minus comedy plus religion.”
National Treasure minus comedy minus patriotism plus religion.”
“24 minus America plus The Vatican.”
Da Vinci Code 1 minus Leonardo Da Vinci plus Illuminati.”

It seems like everyone — Clint, Carolyn, Netflix people, IMDB people — all liked this better than first movie of the trilogy, The Da Vinci Code. Ignore the fact that Carolyn gave this one 4 stars and the last one 5 stars — she, too, agreed this one was better. (It’s hard to rate consistently, people!)

This was done very well… And was interesting. But I am quite turned off by religion, so I wasn’t super-thrilled with the entertainment, despite recognizing its quality. Religious stuff just doesn’t resonate with me.

Still better than the first, though. This one wasn’t a disappointment like the first one.

LINK URL: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0808151/combined

VIDEO: MOVIES: CARTOONS: REVIEW: Spider-Woman, Agent of S.W.O.R.D. (2009) [Marvel Knights]

Clint: 3.2/5 stars, 6.4/10.
Carolyn: 2.6/5 stars, 5/10.
Native ratings: 5.9/10 IMDB (not available on Netflix).

Only 51 minutes; a compilation of 5 motion comics that were about 10 minutes each.

Carolyn thought the dialog was a bit stilted and annoying, but this is really meant to be in the same vein as a comic book, not a movie… So I don’t hold it against it as much.

The artwork was good — Spider-Woman was modeled after Jolynn Carpenter. Did a google image search on her afterward. Yup! Spider-Woman!

The voice acting wasn’t as good.

A motion comic is a really low budget thing… I celebrate additional low-grade stuff vs having nothing.

I could see this as being done as an animated series akin to the Men In Black animated series. I’d watch it.

The conclusion seemed kind of rushed. Like, “Whoa, it’s suddenly over?” I thought more was going to happen but then it suddenly felt like The End.

LINK URL: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1673449/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

VIDEO: MOVIES: MUSIC: Marillion: Brave (1994) (directed by Richard Stanley)

Clint: 3/5 stars, 6/10 (rated against other music videos, not movies in general).
Carolyn: 3/5 stars, 7/10.
Native ratings: 2.7/5 stars Netflix, /10 IMDB.

Look: Anyone who knows me knows that I am a music giver, not receiver. I hate listening to other peoples’ music, and I hate listening to music I don’t already know. I time my concert arrivals so that I always miss the opening band, and I’m not into seeing live music unless it’s music that I’ve already learned.

But you know what I really fucking love? The movie Hardware. And the great talent of its director Richard Stanley. So when he makes an hour-long video to go with a concept album by a band I once saw on the back of a leather jacket worn by a punk at TJ in 1989…. I fucking watch it, even if I’m not into the experience of that kind of thing.

There aren’t a lot of video versions of concept albums out there. The main ones that I think of are Pink Floyd:The Wall and the Nine Inch Nails:Broken banned movie, and both of those are perfect.

This one was not in th e same league. It was cool, but it was a bit cheesy at times, and really had the feel of late 1980’s music videos. I don’t mind that so much, but this isn’t music that I know and love (like Nine Inch Nails) or grew to later love (like Pink Floyd), so it didn’t have that going for it.

It was interesting. And very sad at the end. And definitely a bit psychedelic, and very artsy–like all of Richard Stanley’s stuff. Not bad, but not necessarily great either.

LINK URL: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0109331/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

VIDEO: MOVIES: REVIEW: The Crow 4: Wicked Prayer (2005)

Clint: 2.4/5 stars, 5/10.
Carolyn: 2.6/5 stars, 5/10.
Native ratings: 3.0/5 stars Netflix, 2.8/10 IMDB (yikes!!).

As expected, this was the worst of the 4 Crow movies. And the differential between 3 & 4 was larger than between 2 & 3 or 1 & 2.

Really bad sound mix. Didn’t understand a lot of dialogue.

The Crow was John Conner in Terminator 2, and Hawk in Detroit Rock City. But this time he looks like a girl (at least once The Crow makeup is put on). Least badass looking Crow ever.

The plot? It’s kind of confusing why we are being shown the things we are shown. Bad direction. Bad writing. Cheesiest Crow movie ever. I mean, we have a Satanic gang whose names are War, Famine, Pestilence, and Death, and who drive around cars with their names airbrush-painted onto them. And Tara Reid is one of them. Damn she’s hot in this, but that’s about the best aspect of the fucking movie!

There are some good actors, but then they are barely in it. Emmanuelle Chriqui (Waiting, Tron:Uprising), Danny Trejo (Machete) & Dennis Hopper (Blue Velvet). And the guy who was to become Satan? Angel from Angel.

But all this could not save this flop of a movie.

LINK URL: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0353324