VIDEO: MOVIES: REVIEW: Holy Motors (2012)

Clint: 3.4/5 stars, 7.6/10.
Carolyn: 3.6/5 stars, 7.6/10.
Native ratings: 3.8/5 stars Netflix, 7.1/10 IMDB.

Dafuq did I just watch? Seriously. That was some weird fucking shit.

Of course this was totally expected. I actually read reviews of this movie, which helped set me up for the experience.

Because that’s what this is: An experience. It’s about the journey, not the destination.

There is not really a plot. The movie is about acting, but only in the broadest sense: That, as Shakespeare said, we are all just actors on a stage.

But who sets up the stage? Who decides what role we all play?

Fortunately it’s not a mysterious white limo that drives us around like the main character in this movie.
Fortunately *WE* get *SOME* amount of say in the matter.

The main character in this movie? He has to live many different peoples’ lives–all in one day. Anyone who could really pull that off would be the best actor on the planet. Is that the point of the movie?

I have no clue… But this was one of the most unique movies I’ve seen in a long time, and was visual as well: The psuedosex scene with the motion capture actors was one of the strangest things I’ve seen in my life. Or was it the scene with Eva Mendez singing to a fake penis? Or was it Edith Scob looking surprisingly attractive for a 76-year-old (way mroe attractive than her IMDB pictures where she looks like a grandma)? This movie is FULL OF STRANGENESS.

The best explanation of the movie I have found is here:


VIDEO: MOVIES: REVIEW: Boy Eats Girl (2005) [ZOMBIES!]

3/5 stars, 6/10 from both of us.
Native ratings: 2.9/5 stars Netflix, 5.0/10 IMDB.

This was a zombie romance film of sorts. There was real conflict, but the main motivation of the main character is that he just wants the girl.

It’s not done THAT well. At times, you really have to have left your brain at the door to get by some of the deficiencies.

Also, these zombies were created by… voodoo. Brace yourself.

There’s problems. It’s not as memorable as it could be. There’s screw-ups. There’s some things that fall flat.

This movie is considered by some to basically be My Boyfriend’s Back (1993), except trying to be more of a serious romance/thriller, instead of a purposefully campy comedy. Which might be a mistake.

Conclusion? Glad I watched this, but I don’t think I’d watch it again. I recommend this for zombie completists.

P.S. It was nice to see the lovely half-Irish, half-Zambian Samantha Mumba (The Time Machine, 2002) again. She is so friggin’ hot, and makes any movie she’s in a bit easier to watch :D


VIDEO: MOVIES: REVIEW: Skyfall (2012) [James Bond]

Clint: 2.9/5 stars, 5.8/10.
Carolyn: 2.9/5 stars, 5.4/10.
Native ratings: 4.2/5 stars Netflix, 7.9/10 IMDB.

I should have remembered that neither Carolyn nor I are James Bond fans. Carolyn thought she had never even seen a bond movie, but then I reminded her that we watched whatever the new one was in 2004.

I’d never seen any of the 3 movies with the current (Daniel Craig) bond….This guy is a TERRIBLE Bond. He’s the least JamesBond-y of all the James Bonds. Ever.

And man this was movie generic and kid of pointless. It had entertainment value, which kept us from outright disliking it… But this is very much just “ok”.

And what the hell is “skyfall”, anyway? “Skyfall.” “Done!” … Then never mentioned again. Meh.

And the computer parts! Fucking ridiculous, not even a realistic unrealistic like one would hope for. There’s more realistic computer usage in childrens’ cartoons!

Also: Adele is terrible. Not helping. Not helping.

Big disappointment.

NOT. ENOUGH. ACTION. Javier Bardem as a crazed killer is already cliche, too.


VIDEO: MOVIES: REVIEW: Crazy People (1990)

Clint: 3.4/5 stars, 7/10.
Carolyn: 3/5 stars, 6/10.
Native ratings: 3.4/5 stars Netflix, 5.3/10 IMDB.

This was a charming movie with the gimmick of an advertisement agency accidentally starting a trend of ultra-honest advertisements, and continuing to get these ideas from incarcerated mental patients. It started out pretty funny at times, though it got more serious near the end.

This movie is ultra-unbelievable, from the totally unsecure mental hospital, to people actually liking honest advertising, to Daryl Hannah being a crazy hot chick available to instantlly fall in love with a schlub like Dudley Moore. But that’s part of the movie’s charm.

Strangely, this is from the director of… My Bodyguard (1980)?!?! and the writer of Good Morning, Vietnam (1987). Though you’d never guess. Starring Dudley Moore & Daryl Hannah, with Paul Reiser, Mercedes Ruehl, and a bunch of people playing crazy people at what must be the least secure mental health facility on the planet. Including David Paymer (who was in Bad Teacher), who I thought I recognized from the lame NBC sitcom Boston Common, but no, that was his brother Steven Paymer.



Clint: 4/5 stars, 8.4/10.
Carolyn: 4.6/5 stars, 8.6/10.
Native ratings: 3.4/5 stars Netflix, 6.5/10 IMDB.

Did I mention this was written by Joss Whedon?

Very interesting animation… It looks like it’s going to be motion-comic-style with hardly any real movement and no lip-moving, but then it turns out to be almost fully animated. Still more “comic-book-y” than any “real” animation… But I think this really meets the halfway point between the two, in a way that I’ve never seen done better in my life. However, the strange warping they did to simulate 3D-ness kind of wigged me out. But I get it: This is a motion comic, they take shortcuts, lower budget means higher ability for more releases. Works for me. You just gotta accept it.

My one problem with this was that there was no steadfast conclusion to all the various stories spinning up (and down). In that respect, yes, it was very comic-book-y. Almost too much! Though… If something like this came out once a month for the rest of my life, it’d be frickin’ awesome.

Also, the voices weren’t top-notch… Beast’s voice especially threw me off as being so different from what I’m accustomed to that it was actually distracting. But again, that’s kind of something you have to accept when doing with motion-comic type releases (Even though this is the most motion-y motion comic I’ve ever seen.)

But other than that? That was pretty fucking awesome. It took place in the current chronology: The Legacy Virus is long gone… Beast had his secondary cat mutation… Colossus is dead…Jean is long dead [again, but this time for real]… Cyclops is dating Emma Frost The White Queen now…. ¬†[Which, if you read the wiki on Jean… Her spirit actually basically rose from her grave to tell Scott it was okay to hook up with Emma…]

WAIT WAIT WAIT.. THIS IS ONLY THE FIRST OF FOUR “MOVIES” (some call them seasons, but they are analagous to Whedon’s graphic novels)?!?! WTF!!! WELP.. I’M OFF TO GET THE REST! CYA!


VIDEO: MOVIES: CARTOONS: REVIEW: Batman: The Dark Knight Returns (both parts) (2012, 2013)

Clint/Carolyn: 5/5 stars, 9/10 (part 1), 10/10 (part 2/both parts together).
Native ratings: 3.9/5 stars Netflix (only part 1 available), 7.9/10 and 8.1/10 IMDB.

Frank Miller’s Batman adaptation is concluded with this, which really should be the 4th movie in the current live-action Batman movies, but whatever.

The live-action Batman movies have been frickin’ amazing, but they have been less true to the comics than almost every other Batman adaptation out there. (They do kill people in the live-action movies a lot more, though.)

Set in the future, Batman had been retired for 10 years, and Commissioner Gordon is set to retire in a few days. (A cop should never say he is 3 days from retirement because bad things happen!)

This ties together Twoface, The Joker, Batman being old, Superman, and futuristic mutant gangs (that part definitely reminded us of Batman Beyond at times–except without the new Batman. But we get a new Robin). There is a lot going on, and it really takes both movies to conclude it all. (Though the total runtime is only about 2.5 hours for both movies combined, we watched one-per-night.)

This was really, really, really good. ¬†Bruce Timm’s Batman productions have been top-tier for well over 20 years now. Nobody has such a consistent longstanding record of producing quality superhero animation.

Peter Weller (Robocop) as Batman was pretty interesting too. He sounded older (which he was, he has grey hair in this).
And this Batman is more hardcore. There is blood, beatings, murder. It’s rated PG-13 but it would probably be R back in the 80’s. THIS IS THE SHIT. This is maybe my favorite Batman animation ever.


Clint: 3/5 stars, 6/10.

Carolyn: 2.6/5 stars, 5.6/10.
Native ratings: 2.4/5 stars Netflix, 2.4/10 IMDB (83rd lowest-rated move ever).

I bought this VHS cassette for $2.50 at a yard sale because I hadn’t heard of it, liked the hot chicks on the cover, and read the plotline about girls who decide to turn the tables and rape guys. It just seemed like an outrageous plot. After years of never playing the VHC cassette… I finally Netflixed it.

Written/directed by Kat Slater who made this movie, then a bunch of porno movies. This is the only real one. wtf. I guess this was hated so much (83rd worst movie ever) that Kat Slater (aka Christina Peters) had to go into porn afterward. She’s up to Young Sluts 15 now. Here’s an article about it.

But this is her one “real” movie.

We’d seen some of these actresses elsewhere: Busy Phillips (White Girls), Keri Lynn Pratt (A Midsummer Night’s Rave, Cat from Smallville, 1 ep of That 70’s Show and Nip/Tuck), Dominique Swain (Totally Awesome, Happy Campers), Thora Birch (American Beauty, Patriot Games, Dungeons & Dragons 1).

So anyway, the movie itself was a little sophomoric. Not particularly well written, acted, shot, produced, edited, or transferred to dvd.

But it was still interesting. It almost seemed inspired by Gregg Araki‘s teenage apocalypse trilogy. Over the top plot lines & characters. Over-the-top sexual obsession. Gender power struggles. Crazy fashion that doesn’t exist in real life.

I actually felt like this movie had a lot going for it… But it was held down by the badness of it all. But some like it for being bad.

Unfortunately, it became kind of a downer at the end. Which is also a Gregg Araki thing to do. It makes it a bit more poignant (or possibily pretentious).
At least it was interesting. More interesting than your average movie.